QUENTIN TARANTINO WILL FILM NEXT MOVIE ON A CAMERA WITH A TURNY HANDLE

HOLLYWOOD – Tarantino’s next movie to be filmed using one of those cameras that you have to manually wind the film through the camera with a handle on the side like the olden days.

Quentin Tarantino will do anything to go back to the old school. Film in 70mm, use VHS rather than Netflix and make compilations of his favorite music on a cassette. His anachronistic mania will now include filming his latest film using an old fashioned camera that requires manual winding of the film. The Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill director wheeled his cabriolet into the parkway of the Studio Exec bungalow so as to explain himself further.

I’ve always been a fan of the old classics. The silent movies of Eissenstien, Chaplin, Keaton, D.W. Griffiths and especially F.W. Murnau and so when I started to wonder about my next movie it occurred to me that I wanted to go back and make a film the way those dudes did. I wanted to recreate some of the excitement that must have been right there at the birth of cinema and in order to do tha I needed to physically limit myself to use tyhe equipment they would use as well. That way there’s no special effects except more or less what we can do in camera. I won’t be able to write a lot of my dialogue because … well, otherwise the title cards will last longer than the actual film. It’s a whole series of disciplines that we need to master and rediscover as we make this film.

But is there still an audience for it?

Yes, I’d say so. I was watching a Charlie Chaplin film with some young friends and they all really dug it. The success of The Artist and Hugo as well shows that there is a real hunger for this era.

It sounds fantastic. What will the new movie be about?

It’s going to be my first Science Fiction movie and I’m quite nervous becuase this is a genre I’ve never tried before. Essentially the Inter-Galactic Empire of the Thorgs is threatened by a small band of Freedom Fighters. The Rebels learn that the Thorgs have built a massive all powerful battle station. So large it looks like a small moon.

That sounds familiar.

Yes, I know. The reason is that I’m basing it on Akira Kurosawa’s Hidden Fortress.

Wars in the Stars will be released only at selected Nickelodeons around the country in 1915.

BEASTMASTER TO HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – In a surprise move it was revealed today that the Oscars will no longer be hosted by Neil Patrick Harris, who has moved aside to be replaced by Beastmaster.

The How I Met Your Mother star spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec about the shift:

Of course I was really excited about the gig. I had worked on material and we were going to do song and dance numbers as well. But late Friday night the call came in that Beastmaster was going to be available after all. And the minute I heard that I acquiesced. This is a historic moment in Oscar history.

Beastmaster had been approached in the early 1980s to host the Oscars but had consistently refused claiming that the awards ceremony was an infantile way of judging a medium which ‘should aspire to artistic relevance and genuine profundity, not these feeble trinkets’. Despite this the Academy continued to woo Beastmaster for three decades claiming that ‘What with the animal demographic alone, he could make the show a spectacular success.’

Beastmaster was born in a realm of fantasy and despite living the humble life of a hero and demi-God, he gained fame in 1982 when he was the subject of the film Beastmaster starring Marc Singer. Two sequels and a TV series followed, but lately Beastmaster’s powers have been on the wane. Uma Thurman, a longstanding critic of Beastmaster told Studio Exec:

I met Beastmaster when we were making Kill Bill Volume 2. He was great buddies with David Carradine and he came on location. It was sad really. This guy had commanded lions and mountain wolves, eagles and bison. Now he had this little otter on a string that he’d jerk and pretend was coming to his summons. It was pathetic.

What do you think of him presenting the Oscars?

Oh that’ll be great. He’ll bring his A game, I’m sure.

The Oscars will be broadcast on Sunday. 

MICHAEL MADSEN: TARANTINO LEAK MEA CULPA

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Madsen has given an extraordinary confession to the Studio Exec following the leaking of Quentin Tarantino‘s new script The Hateful Eight onto the internet and the director’s shelving of the project.

‘Yeah, it was me,’ said Madsen. ‘And I’d do it again tomorrow.’

Initially suspicion had fallen on Bruce Dern and the agency that represents him, but both issued vehement denials. Tim Roth, Tarantino asserted, was in the clear, because the Django director knew for a fact that Roth had been working as an undercover cop for the past thirty years. That only left Madsen, who came into the Studio Exec office to make his full confession. 

Initially, the Reservoir Dogs actor sounded defiant:

I did it, yeah. I told Quentin, either I read it or I don’t, or I’ll put it on the internet or I won’t. He just laughed. I was kinda warning him, but he didn’t care. If he hadn’t done what I warned him not to do, he’d still have a film.

What’s the script about it?

It’s about a girl who’s very sensitive she’s been f*cked over a few times. Then she meets some guy who’s really sensitive.

Whoa, ain’t that ‘Like a Virgin’?

I told Quentin. I said “Listen kid. I’m not going to bullshit you, all right? I don’t give a good f*ck what you say or what you don’t say, I’m gonna leak the script onto the internet anyway. Not for profit. But cos it’s amusing, to me, to leak a Quentin Tarantino script onto the internet.” QT was just laughing is head off. “Great Mike, stay in character,” he said.

 Has Tarantino been in touch?

He phoned me and got a little angry, talking about legal ramifications and stuff but I just told him. “Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?” Then he got really mad.

So now that the film looks cancelled what are your plans?

I’ve got loads of offers and possibilities. You think that I can’t get any work except in Tarantino pictures? Is that what you’re implying? I was in Thelma and Louise Goddam it! I was in Species! [Incoherent sobbing] Oh Sweet Jesus, what have I done? What have I done?

 What are you doing with that razor?

 Now hold still, you f*ck. Hold still.     

The Hateful Eight will be released in 2015.

BRITISH JOURNALIST ACCUSES QUENTIN TARANTINO’S FILMS OF BEING “VIOLENT”

LONDON – A British television interview has revealed that the films of auteur director Quentin Tarantino are in fact – as some have long contended – violent. The horror and virulent disgust sent bile waves through the film community and saw trusted moral arbiter Reese Witherspoon declaring from now on the name of Quentin Tarantino would be struck from the record of all film chat and talk.


Kurt Russell – a one time collaborator – shook his head sadly:

As one who defended Quentin time and again, I have to now hold my hand up and say, in the face of this overwhelming evidence, Quentin must be declared a pariah and forced to walk the earth like Kane from Kung Fu. If he appears on my property though, I’m afraid I’m going to have to shoot the violent son of a bitch.

The interview – which seems to have taken place in what the British call a ‘hotel’ – was conducted by an important news journalist, who repeatedly accused Tarantino of making violent films. Mantle Harmony – spokesperson for QTBS a watchdog body devoted to pissing off the Reservoir Dogs director – said:

Though I am grateful to Krishnan Guru-Murthy for having cornered Tarantino so effectively with his shock revelations, I have contended for years that Tarantino’s films contain occasional scenes of violence. Reservoir Dogs has multiple shooting and an ear amputation, Kill Bill is called kill Bill and in Inglourious Basterds an innocent man with a neat moustache is machine gunned in a horrific way.

 Krishnan Guru-Murthy is well known in England for his fearless exposés of nepotism in the British Royal family, the use of violence on battlefields and the dangerous presence of potatoes in packets of what the British call ‘potatoes’.

Please vote in our very first poll, ever and you decide whether they are violent or not, over there on the right. My right.