DAVID FINCHER LAUNCHES KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN TO BUY HOUSE IN MALIBU



MALIBU – Famed pop music video director David Fincher has launched a Kickstarter campaign to buy himself a house in Malibu. 


“I have a house in Beverly Hills and a nice apartment on Central Park West in New York, but I’d like a house in Malibu” the Alien 3 director explained. “There’s one I have my eye on, but it’s 27 million dollars, which is quite a lot, so I thought I’d launch this campaign so everyone who wants to can contribute to buying me a mansion.”

But don’t you have enough money to just buy it yourself?

Oh hell yes, I’m stinking rich. But thing I’ve found is if I spend the money – like if I buy a house or a car – then that money is kind of gone. I can’t use it again. This way, if we raise enough money, I get the house and then I get to keep my money and use it for other shit.

Fincher’s career began when he shot a ground breaking video for Frankie Goes to Hollywood or someone, and went on to scale epic heights with such classics as Panic Room and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Having run out of ideas, Fincher now prefers to steal ideas from Scandinavian film makers, and spend his time laughing at the misfortunes of others.

BOTH OBAMA AND ROMNEY BACK SANDLER STAY AT HOME BILL

WASHINGTON – Responding to a massive swell in popular opinion and a Kickstarter campaign, both President Obama and Governor Romney expressed their support for an ‘Adam Sandler Stay at Home Bill’ in the next legislature.

Bi-partisan support was expressed during the debate in Denver last night when moderator Jim Lehrer asked both candidates ‘What should be done about Sandler?’ For once the bickering and arguing stopped as both candidates pledged to oversee a law which would see the Jack and Jill comedian forced to stay at home ‘possibly reading magazines, why not?’ and not make movies.

‘Have either of you ever seen an Adam Sandler movie?’ Lehrer followed up. Romney looked pained and admitted to having seen one, ‘I was on a long flight,’ he pleaded.

Obama in his one gaffe of the night replied ‘Fuck no.’

Mr Sandler said that the whole thing was laughable and throughout his whole career he had successfully avoided anything that was laughable.

KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN TO PAY ADAM SANDLER TO STAY HOME AND READ MAGAZINES

HOLLYWOOD – We all hate Adam Sandler films but an unemployed electrician from Salt Lake City is actually doing something about it. He’s started a Kickstarter campaign to financially persuade Adam Sandler to stop making films.

Rodney Kaylow, 36, has been frequently upset by how poor Adam Sandler movies are.

‘It’s not that they’re not funny,’ he said. ‘They usually aren’t, but they’re also really mean spirited.’

And so not happy with simply complaining, Mr Kaylow and his girlfriend Jenny have kicked off a Kickstarter campaign which he hopes will raise enough money to effectively bribe Mr Sandler to stay home and read magazines instead of making movies.

‘I understand he makes millions so we’re going to have to raise a lot of money,’ said Mr Kaylow. ‘But wouldn’t it be better if that money was spent and there wasn’t an Adam Sandler movie out every year? Sometimes he makes two. In 2008 he made three. Three Adam Sandler movies! For the love of God!’

Mr Kaylow had no exact figures to hand but he says the support has been overwhelming. ‘But aren’t there more important causes for people to give money to?’ Studio Exec asked. 

‘Oh yeah,’ Mr Kaylow chuckled. ‘I expect they’re will be lots more dying kids in Africa this year but at least we won’t have to walk around wondering if the next one could possibly be worse than Jack and Jill.’