BEST CANCELLED ACTOR OSCAR INTRODUCED

HOLLYWOOD – The Academy has announced next year will see a new Best Cancelled Actor Oscar introduced. The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar award will recognize actors who have gone out of their way to alienate, offend and even abuse while inexplicably remaining in the public eye.

 

The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar Goes To…

The award will be issued as a farewell gesture to the privileged world that is Hollywood. Therefor the recipient will accept their award with their face pixelated out. Their acceptance speech will be over-dubbed with Give Peace A Chance. And the disgraced actor will shuffle off stage to abject silence.


 

Mouth Breathers

The recipient will never be seen again in any legitimate mainstream production. Because most likely, they will appear in some right wing, batshit-crazy Baptist church funded production. These films will usually be about angels being real or talking dogs. There is always the option of them creating a YouTube channel. There they can rant about the satanic influence of liberalism and the Covid hoax. Websites are also a good option. They can sell merch to any slack jawed, gun owner who hates themselves enough to empathize with psychopaths. Or they might get a job on Fox News.


 

Favorite Assholes

There has been great speculation about who will be nominated. So the current front runners are: Kirstie Alley, Jon Voight, Kevin Sorbo, Scott Baio and Vincent Gallo. Gallo is the bookies’ favorite because bets are no longer being taken on him clutching the award at the end of the evening.

 

The Golden Asshole

The Academy has also announced a new lifetime achievement award. It’s for actors who despite being obviously vile, mysteriously continued to work. It will be known as The Golden Asshole Award. James Woods and Kevin Spacey will be jointly honored. They will receive statuettes of Harvey Weinstein’s asshole.

 

The Oscars Takes Place Next March

KEVIN SPACEY TO STAR AS JEFFREY EPSTEIN

HOLLYWOOD – Jeffrey Epstein is the subject of a new film starring Kevin Spacey.

Could a new Jeffrey Epstein biopic be the comeback vehicle for Kevin Spacey? Perhaps, as he tees up a new movie looking into the life of disgraced pedofile Jeffrey Epstein. An independent production of Spacey’s own production company Inappropriate Films, rumors have it that Spacey might also direct. A Spacey watcher, Mike Cavern told us:

At the moment, no director is going to touch Kevin. Ironically. So it makes sense that he do the film himself. I know that he watched the Netflix series Filthy Rich and was very impressed. But he’s been working on the film for some time. Even before Jeffrey killed himself. In fact, that’s one of the reasons that he was close to Jeffrey. He researched all of his roles very thoroughly. Kevin took flights with Jeffrey and tried to study him so that he could play him well. At least that’s what he told me.

Of course, many have criticized Spacey’s project. Critic Angela Panella told Studio Exec:

It’s tasteless and will do nothing to restore his image. Spacey will never live down the reputation that he now has. The only reason I can see for him making this film would be to show there is someone in the world worse than he is. But I don’t think that will work.

Jeffrey Epstein had a long history of abusing and raping women and children. He counted some of the most powerful men in the world as his friends, including Harvey Weinstein, Presidents Clinton and Donald J. Trump. Celebrities such as Woody Allen and Kevin Spacey attended his parties.

Epstein is due out in 2021.

KEVIN SPACEY TO RETURN IN MILK 2

HOLLYWOOD – Kevin Spacey is to return to the world of movies in the role of Harvey Milk.

Following his fall from grace, not much has been heard from Kevin Spacey. But now the Studio Exec can reveal he is to return as Harvey Milk in Gus Van Sant’s Milk 2. The sequel to the Oscar winning Milk lost its main actor Sean Penn who decided to become a writer of bad novels. We spoke with Spacey about his rehabilitation:

Harvey Milk is of course a fascinating character. He’s also gay and I’m gay. Did you already know that? I’m not sure if I ever properly came out but I am gay. That’s what I identify as. So I identify with Harvey as well. Not Weinstein. Milk. Harvey Milk!

Do you hope that the part will restore your reputation?

I don’t know. I hope so yes. But the main thing is I want to act again. I’m an actor so without that I have no meaning.

Didn’t Milk die at the end of Milk?

Yes of course. This is very much a speculative piece of work. Milk goes to heaven and is told he has to return to Earth to continue his work. It’s like Warren Beatty in Heaven Can Wait.

Milk 2 is in theaters Tuesday.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER TO PLAY KEVIN SPACEY

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Plummer has signed up to play Kevin Spacey in Oliver Stone’s biopic of the disgraced actor.

 

The Studio Exec caught up with Plummer to discuss his latest role.

 

Did you have any qualms about playing such a controversial character?

 

Not at all. I’ve been living as Kevin Spacey for the past three months so i‘ve had plenty of time to get over my early reservations.

 

What do you mean you’ve been ‘Living as Kevin Spacey’?

 

Well I didn’t just replace him in ‘All the Money in the World’ I replaced in him in real life. I’m living in his house, driving his car and browsing his extensive collection of greco-roman pornography on a daily basis. I’m wearing a pair of his silk underpants as we speak, they cradle my balls splendidly.

 

So where is Kevin?

 

I’m Kevin.

 

No, you’re Christopher Plummer.

 

You miss the point, dear boy. There is no Christopher Plummer.

 

Then who is that guy in The Sound of Music?

 

Kevin Spacey.

 

Christ. Okay. Let me phrase the question in a different way. Where is the guy you replaced?

 

Oh, he’s still around but I ignore him. At first that was difficult, you know, when you’re sharing a bed or taking a bath together, it took a few days to get used to but now the only time I notice he’s there is when I hear him sobbing to himself in the middle of the night and when I wake in the morning with this erection poking into my lower back.

 

I see, so what does 2018 have in store for….you?

 

Well after the movie with Oliver I’ll be working on a film called The Usual Suspects 2: The Wrath of Keyser Söze and following that I start work on Spielberg’s Christopher Plummer biopic.

 

Christopher Plummer is playing Christopher Plummer in a Christopher Plummer biopic?

 

No, Kevin Spacey is playing Christopher Plummer in a Christopher Plummer biopic.

 

BUT WHO THE F*CK IS CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER?

 

I have no idea I haven’t read the script. Though I hear he’s a bloody marvellous chap.

 

 

The Kevin Spacey biopic is due 2019.

DISNEY BUY CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

HOLLYWOOD – In a deal worth $78 billion, media giants Disney have just bought Canadian actor Christopher Plummer.

Following the purchase of Star Wars, Marvel, Pixar and now Fox, the Disney Company have just announced a $78 billion dollar deal to buy Sound of Music star Christopher Plummer. Media Analyst Dunque Screens told the Studio Exec:

This is a great deal for Disney. It looks like a lot of money but what Disney are getting is not just Mr. Plummer’s extensive back catalogue and his film work and TV work, they’re also getting the rights to whoever Mr. Plummer replaces in the next few years. And looking at the pace of the scandals currently sweeping Hollywood and the entertainment industry generally that could mean extensive acquisitions.

However, critics of the deal point to this widespread application of Christopher Plummer as a problem. Marquis Martinique underlined this danger:

When Disney got Marvel, they got Iron Man, Avengers and all those properties. With Star Wars, they get the films, but also the characters and the universe. And with Fox they get the Simpsons and the X-Men. Now, with Plummer, they get Kevin Spacey, Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner, Def Jam records, Matt Lauer, the documentaries of Morgan Sporlock and the entire back catalogue of Woody Allen and Roman Polanski as well as the Cosby Show.

The Monopolies and Mergers Commission will inspect the sale closely.

Image courtesy of @thePixelFactor. Follow him on twitter here.

SCRIPT LEAK: HOUSE OF CARDS FINAL SEASON

HOLLYWOOD – House of Cards final season has been confirmed, but they’ve had a script leak.

The final season of House of Cards is to go ahead, starring Robin Wright. The Studio Exec has received a leaked copy of the first episode.

INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY.

Claire UNDERWOOD sits at the desk. Enter Doug STAMPER.

DOUG

Mrs Underwood.

CLAIRE

When is President Underwood due back from the totally normal trade talks he went to?

DOUG

Any minute now. Actually that sounds like him now.

SOUND of Helicopter ROTOR BLADES overhead.

EXT. ROSE GARDEN. DAY.

Claire and Doug go outside as the President’s helicopter comes in to land. The helicopter suddenly EXPLODES.

CLAIRE

Oh no. Francis’ helicopter just exploded, probably definitely killing him.

DOUG

There won’t be anything left of him.

CLAIRE

Not even a contractually obligatory Exec Producer credit.

They return into the Oval Office.

INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY.

A young woman stands waiting for them.

CARRIE

Hello Madam President.

CLAIRE

Who are you?

CARRIE

I’m Carrie Mathison from Homeland. I’m here to begin a cat and mouse intrigue with sleeper agent Doug Stamper.

CLAIRE

Doug? I thought I was the sleeper agent.

CARRIE

Gotcha.

CLAIRE

Rats!

 

 

FINE

For more Script Leaks, Click Here. 

RIDLEY SCOTT INSERTS KEVIN SPACEY INTO PROMETHEUS

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott has taken the unprecedented step of digitally inserting disgraced actor Kevin Spacey into his 2012 science fiction film Prometheus.

Ridley Scott is inserting Kevin Spacey into Prometheus. The move came after Spacey  Scott removed The Usual Suspects star from his new film All the Money in the World.

The British director explained his actions to the Studio Exec:

When you digitally remove an actor, you have to work out where to put him. You can’t just delete him, because due to an error in the law that’s illegal. So we decided we’d put him somewhere no one is going to look. Prometheus can hold Kevin and there’s very little chance it will spoil anyone’s involvement of the film.

Some however contest that the insertion actually constitutes ‘cruel and unusual punishment. Legal expert Devin Pok told the Studio Exec:

It’s actually crazy. So far Kevin Spacey has not been charged with any criminal behavior. A lot of the scandal is sleazy but doesn’t necessarily stand up to anything illegal. The fact that he has been taken out of the Ridley Scott film is understandable. An artist will want to protect his work and the studio has a right to protect their investment. However, to then take that actor and place him in a movie as bad as Prometheus… Not even a murderer deserves that kind of treatment.

Ridley Scott will release the Director’s Cut of Prometheus released Tuesday night at seven.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER TO HEAD WEINSTEIN COMPANY

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Plummer is to take over as CEO of the Weinstein Company following the sacking of founder Harvey Weinstein amid an ongoing sex scandal.

If there’s a problem Christopher Plummer is almost always the solution. Such is the respect with which the former Sound of Music star is held. Already, Ridley Scott drafted Plummer in for the role of Kevin Spacey in All the Money in the World. Scott told the Studio Exec:

The thing about Plummer is he can do anything. He can sing, he can act, he can do comedy, he can do Spacey. And he’s very, very cheap.

However, there was some surprise that the act was being drafted to run a multi-million dollar media company when he had no previous experience.

The Edelweiss fan spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

What you have to understand dear boy, is that I am an actor. A Canadian actor, it is true, but nevertheless an actor. I will study the role of CEO in the Weinstein Company and then I will give my performance. You may disagree with my interpretation, but I assure you I will give it my all.

Already shares in the Weinstein Company began to recover as news of the Plummer appointment spread. Financial analyst Amos Ghastly told the Exec:

The company still has good holdings and with Plummer at the helm I’m sure it will be steered towards a prosperous future. He was so good in The New World.

Christopher Plummer will next appear in Season 5 of House of Cards.

 

THE USUAL SUSPECTS PREQUEL GETS A TITLE: SOZE RISING

HOLLYWOOD – Bryan Singer has confirmed that he will be directing a prequel to his break through hit The Usual Suspects, provisionally entitled Soze.

Christopher McQuarrie today admitted he has finished the first draft of a prequel to The Usual Suspects and Bryan Singer is signed up to direct. Soze Rises will tell the story of master criminal, arch-villain and manipulator as a young man.

We want to see how Kayser Soze becomes Kayser Soze. Originally the idea was that perhaps Verbal had invented the story the way he had invented almost everything else. But then we began to wonder about what if Kayser was real and the Verbal was Kayser and what would happen. So first I wrote about him and what happened to his family. How he killed his family first and then went after all his enemies, but then we decided to go back even further. We’re gonna see the beginning of the career of a sociopath, a modern day Moriarty. And we’re gonna see him in school.

Kevin Spacey has agreed to play a cameo and there is a chance that other cast members might have their own prequel movies.

McQuarrie continued:

Benicio Del Toro and Gabriel Byrne have both been on the phone asking me if they will get prequels too. But we made that film over twenty years ago. The nature of the prequel would be that they would have to be younger and not older. Having said that, I would love to go back and see where those characters came from. What made them get to the stage that they are at when The Usual Suspects begins.

Soze Rises will be released in 2018.

MAX HEADROOM: THE MOTION PICTURE

LONDON – Max Headroom – the cult British TV film from 1985 – is finally going to get a big screen makeover in the capable hands of Sam Mendes and starring House of Cards chameleon Kevin Spacey.

The original film featured Matt Frewer playing a journalist, Edison Carter, in a dystopian future who investigates why couch potatoes are exploding while watching television. After an accident, Carter  is computerized and becomes the titular Max Headroom, a wisecracking TV host who helps boost ratings.

The original film was directed by Rocky Morton and Annabel  Jankell, the creative team guilty for  Super Mario Bros – widely regarded as one of the best films ever made. Max Headroom was entirely remade as a TV show with all the weird gory bits removed, but alas to little success.

The Motion Picture version has long been a dream of Sam Mendes,who hopes to follow up his success at rejuvenating 007 with yet another resurrection:

When I was making American Beauty me and Kevin Spacey would yak about how great it would be to make Max Headroom rather than waste our lives on the arse wipery that was American Beauty, that stinking bucket of sewer soup made film.

Spacey also marks his love of Max Headroom as an inspiration.

As a young boy, with nary an idea in my head as to what to do with myself, Max Headroom represented more than a character. It was the possibility to transform myself into a totally different being. You want to know who Kaiser Soze is? Max Headroom is Kaiser Soze.

Max Headroom is due to be released on April 17th, 2021.

ADAM SANDLER TO STAR IN SEASON 4 OF HOUSE OF CARDS

HOLLYWOOD – A hidden clause in his new Netflix deal means Adam Sandler is to replace Kevin Spacey in season 4 of the hit show ‘House of Cards’

Netflix boss Reed Hastings announced the deal very quickly and quietly at the end of his press conference, in the same super-speedy way car insurance adverts deliver the small print of the contract:

‘Oh yeah and Adam is going to be taking over for Kevin Spacey in House of Cards 4. We’re all thrilled,’ he said.

It is understood that Mr. Sandler has been a fan of Kevin Spacey for some time and has been heard many times to exclaim, ‘Why don’t people take me seriously as an actor?’

Mr. Sandler telephoned Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY to explain his motivation:

I am a fantastic actor when I get the right material, and ‘House of Cards’ contains some of the sharpest dramatic writing of recent years. I can’t wait to get my tongue around some of that snappy dialogue.

So this is what you really want to do?

Absolutely—all that other stuff, the film stuff, that was just my way in. A pretty Underwood way of doing things, I think you’ll agree.

Yes.

And because of my experience in comedy, especially with the film ‘Jack and Jill,’ I am a versatile enough performer to play not only the part of Frank Underwood, but also the part of his wife Claire, previously played by Robin Wright.

Fans of the show are dying by the thousands as they decide life is simply not worth living in light of the news, but Netflix has been quick to point out that rival HBO began the trend when they hired Vince f*cking Vaughn to star in ‘True Detective.’

House of Cards 4 will premiere in early 2016.

SCRIPT LEAK: HOUSE OF CARDS SEASON 4

INT: WHITE HOUSE

 

FRANK UNDERWOOD IS SAT AT HIS DESK IN THE OVAL OFFICE. A HIGH RANKING MILITARY OFFICIAL ENTERS.

                                                           MAN

                                                     Mr President.

                                                         FRANK

                                                   What news, John?

                                                           MAN

                                             It’s not good, I’m afraid.

                                                          FRANK

                                          Tell me what you know.

                                                            MAN

I know now that in the early years of the twentieth century this world was being watched closely by intelligences greater than man’s and yet as mortal as his own. I know now that as human beings busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinized and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinize the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. With infinite complacence people went to and fro over the earth about their little affairs, serene in the assurance of their dominion over this small spinning fragment of solar driftwood which by chance or design man has inherited out of the dark mystery of Time and Space. Yet across an immense ethereal gulf, minds that to our minds as ours are to the beasts in the jungle, intellects vast, cool and unsympathetic, regarded this earth with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.

                                                        FRANK

                                      My God. This can only mean one thing.

                                                         MAN

                             Indeed, Sir. How would you like me to proceed?

                                                        FRANK

I’d like you to stop taking recreational LSD , John. You’re the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the United States for Christ’s sake.

                                                        MAN

                                          Of course, thank you, Sir.

FIRST STAND ALONE MINIONS MOVIE GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – The Despicable Me spin off Minions is itself getting a series of spin offs with the first ‘stand alone’ Minion film: We Need to Talk About Kevin.

The first Minions ‘stand alone’ film We Need to Talk about Kevin is due to be released early next year and will star Tilda Swinton and Kevin Spacey will voice Kevin the Minion.

Director Pierre Coffin described the concept EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec earlier this week:

It’s very simple. Throughout the two Despicable Me films and then with Minions, we have observed as a creative team how the characters of the individual Minions have emerged. At first they were just this mass of yellow raspberry blowers and the joke was they were all pretty much the same. But then it became apparent that they each had individual characters and once we noticed that we decided we wanted to really explore those characters. We wanted to show the world that these little guys had feelings and problems and the ‘stand alone’ movies will do that in the way the Star Wars movies are doing it. We are expanding the Minions universe.

Tell us about the first film.

We Need to Talk About Kevin is an origin story. We think we’ve gone far enough with the humor that has kept the films very jolly and fun. Now we wanted to do something dark. I was really influenced by Christopher Nolan and Batman Begins when I did this. So Kevin (Kevin Spacey) is a young minion  who simply won’t fit in. He has a very hard time relating to his mother, played by the wonderful Tilda Swinton, and he has an allergy to all food that isn’t bananas or ice-cream.  There’s a kind of Columbine subplot as well.

Sorry, a what?

It is dark. The idea is that Kevin is planning something terrible, but it is only when he latches on to his true identity that things begins to go better and I think people will watch this film and then hopefully go back and watch Despicable Me 1 and they’ll see it in a totally new light.

We Need to Talk about Kevin will be released in 2016. 

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

HOUSE OF CARDS 3: REVIEW

HOUSE OF CARDS 3: REVIEW – Frank Underwood is back and now he’s in the White House, but does the Netflix original series get our vote?

You campaign in poetry and you rule in prose, the hoary old cliché goes. The delight of seasons one and two of House of Cards was seeing the backroom boy, the wheeler dealer, Frank Underwood moving in the shadows. Bringing the post-modern Machiavelli into the klieg light of the presidency was always going to be a risk. There is a bold ambition to it, certainly, giving a harsh corrective to the soppy wish-fulfillment of The West Wing, but could the drama and can the character survive it? Rising to the challenge of the office?

Well, the answer is yes and no. But mainly no.

Okay what’s good about the season? Kevin Spacey has settled into the role like a comfortable pair of house slippers, but given that he doesn’t do much in the whole season, his conniving seems fairly low grade given the scandals of real presidents – wire tapping, adultery, illegal wars – he ends up performing a series of gestures to prove his badness – micturating on his father’s tomb, spitting in Jesus’ face etc. Robin Wright continues to be the best thing in the show and, as in season two, Claire gets most of the best scenes and drama. Her character changes while Francis remains much the same but in different places. And she provides an unexpected and genuinely interesting ending to the season.

So what’s bad about the season? Doug Stamper. I don’t care. You don’t care. We don’t care. I’m not even sure Doug Stamper cares. A cold unemotional hollow man is hard to root for at the best of times and Michael Kelly does his best, but he is so removed from the action and his behavior follows such clichéd lines, that the only benefit his subplot gave was the opportunity for a toilet break without having to press pause. Worse still was Paul Sparks as Thomas Yates. Again not the fault of the actor, but this is a TV exec’s idea of what a novelist looks like. And writes like. Good god, I’ve not heard purple prose like that since a saw the gallies of Prince’s autobiography. His very existence made no real sense, like almost all of Francis Underwood’s decisions.

But what about the politics? Surely being in the White House gave us more scope to get into the substantive side of the political debate? But somehow the adept politician of Seasons one and two was replaced by an incompetent who seemed constantly dumbstruck by the duplicity of … erm … politicians. Lars Mikkelsen as Putin Petrov provided Underwood with a great foil, but this rivalry was undermined by the fact that Underwood was consistently outwitted by the most junior of characters and more fatally by the audience. The joy of the first seasons was feeling you were never sure what Underwood was up to. Here, it looked more like he didn’t know what he was up to.

House of Cards is still a fascinating and beautiful show to watch. And a fourth season has potential given where we were left, but it really has to stop telling us how smart everyone is and start showing us.

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.