HOLLYWOOD – The Academy has announced next year will see a new Best Cancelled Actor Oscar introduced. The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar award will recognize actors who have gone out of their way to alienate, offend and even abuse while inexplicably remaining in the public eye.


The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar Goes To…

The award will be issued as a farewell gesture to the privileged world that is Hollywood. Therefor the recipient will accept their award with their face pixelated out. Their acceptance speech will be over-dubbed with Give Peace A Chance. And the disgraced actor will shuffle off stage to abject silence.


Mouth Breathers

The recipient will never be seen again in any legitimate mainstream production. Because most likely, they will appear in some right wing, batshit-crazy Baptist church funded production. These films will usually be about angels being real or talking dogs. There is always the option of them creating a YouTube channel. There they can rant about the satanic influence of liberalism and the Covid hoax. Websites are also a good option. They can sell merch to any slack jawed, gun owner who hates themselves enough to empathize with psychopaths. Or they might get a job on Fox News.


Favorite Assholes

There has been great speculation about who will be nominated. So the current front runners are: Kirstie Alley, Jon Voight, Kevin Sorbo, Scott Baio and Vincent Gallo. Gallo is the bookies’ favorite because bets are no longer being taken on him clutching the award at the end of the evening.


The Golden Asshole

The Academy has also announced a new lifetime achievement award. It’s for actors who despite being obviously vile, mysteriously continued to work. It will be known as The Golden Asshole Award. James Woods and Kevin Spacey will be jointly honored. They will receive statuettes of Harvey Weinstein’s asshole.


The Oscars Takes Place Next March


‘Kevin Sorbo has friends’, according to a new statement released by the actor in the aftermath of his admitting he shouted ‘Bullshit’ in a Starbucks when asked to wear a mask. It is not known if he was asked to put on the mask due to Covid19 or to hide the fact that Sorbo was using their Starbucks. Sorbo, star of blockbusters such as Piranha Sharks, Bernie The Dolphin and Bernie The Dolphin 2 advised why he felt the need to explain that ‘Kevin Sorbo has friends’ in the following statement:


Kevin Sorbo Has Friends And Everything


I, Kevin Sorbo, wish to state that I was not acting alone when I screamed ‘Bullshit’ at being asked to wear a mask. I had been standing in the queue talking with my friends, who were totally there and everything. The staff kept pointing at me and giggling. It was humiliating, but I remained calm and reasonable.


I AM Hercules


When I gave my order of a small Soy Latte Decaf with extra Sweet’N’Low, after the guy stopped giggling behind his mask they asked for my name. I did my usual and said at the top of my voice, ‘I am TV’s Hercules, young man.’ I waited for the applause, but there wasn’t any.


Piece Of Shit


You know what this little piece of shit behind the counter said to me? He said, ‘You WERE TV’s Hercules, man. What’s your actual name, y’know, for your little latte?’ And then he turns around to all the other douchebags behind the counter and they’re all laughing with him.


Little Bastard


So my friend, who was still totally with me, um… urr… umm… DAVE! Yeah, his name is Dave, you don’t know him. Dave said to me, ‘Are you going to take that, man?’ I tell Dave to calm down. It’s an explosive situation that could go south at any time and we need to keep our cool. These god damned pinko liberal strong arm bullies think they have us. So you know what I do? I take my mask off. I start shouting, ‘USA, USA, USA, USA. Come on, everyone… .’ They’d never heard a white middle-aged man shout that before, I bet.


Put Your Mask On


So then the little prick asks me to put my mask back on because it’s ‘policy’. Well, I’d just about had enough, so I shout. And remember, I wasn’t on my own and I totally have many, many friends and their name is Dave. I shout, ‘This is BULLSHIT’. And me and Dave walk out of there high fiving each other, because he was totally there and because I totally have friends. How many friends do you have?

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