ELI ROTH: GREEN INFERNO FIRST OF THREE COLORS TRILOGY

HOLLYWOOD – Horror maestro and Mr. Eyebrows 1997, Eli Roth today announced that Green Inferno was but the first in a ‘Three Colors Trilogy’, in imitation of Krzysztof Kieslowski’s famous Three Colors Trilogy.

Eli Roth, director of Hostel and Cabin Fever, revealed today that his latest film – The Green Inferno – is just part one of a projected Three Colors Trilogy. Slipping into the Studio Exec Bungalow ealry this morning, he sat in the dark watching us sleep before announcing his presence.

The first film is of course The Green Inferno, partly because of the green of the rainforest and also because of the ecology, the politics of the young people who go there and find themselves embroiled in a terrible fight for survival as they are beset by cannibals. The second film in the trilogy is going to be The Blue Inferno. Here, we have some oceanographers who are researching the famous plastic bottle island. Again there is a sense of environmental responsibility but now it is a group of mutants who attack them and rend their flesh. The twist here is that the mutants were originally extras working on Kevin Reynolds Waterworld, starring Kevin Costner, who were left behind when the movie wrapped and went feral.

What about the third film?

The third film is going to be called The Red Inferno.

Ah! Because of blood?

No, because it is going to be set on Mars. A group of ecologists are taking it to the next level. They are worried about not only saving the planet but saving all planets. Worried abvout a spike in temperatures on the planet Mars they travel there in an attempt to draw attention to global warming on Mars. But unfortunately they are captured by Tim Robbins and Gary Sinise who are still there following Brian dePalma’s tragic Mission to Mars.

Jesus!

I know.

And how does this tie in to Kieslowski’s Three Colors Trilogy?

Kieslowski has been an influence on my whole career. Look at Hostel: Part 2 and you’ll see it’s basically a remake of A Short Film About Killing. I always wanted to match the maestro’s breadth, but until now I was unable to find the subject matter that would suit such scope, but now with Green Inferno, Blue Inferno and Red Inferno, I think I’ve got it.

The Green Inferno is on general release.

TOM SELLECK TO REMAKE WATERWORLD

HOLLYWOOD – In what is being seen as an outrageous excess of gall, former Magnum PI star Tom Selleck is to remake Kevin Costner’s hit movie Waterworld.

Three Men and a Baby star Tom Selleck is to remake Kevin Reynold’s 1995 movie Waterworld. Although originally considered a massive flop at the time, plagued with a number of logistical and ego-derived problems, Waterworld actually went on to make a modest profit in ancillary sales. Tom Selleck came around to the Studio Exec bungalow to speak about what he called his dream project:

I love the original. I love the scale of it. Kevin Costner and Kevin Reynolds were both coming off a massive hit, but even so their combined vision is unbelievable. I’ve always been considered a TV actor and that’s okay with me. But at the same time I’ve longed to have a true break out movie on the big screen and I mean big. A real four wall blockbuster. So This is what I hope to do with Waterworld.

What attracted you to Waterworld in particular?

It combines two themes I am really interested in. First of all the future. I care about the future as anyone who has seen my hedge fund portfolio can tell you. But the other passion I have is water. I love water. I love drinking in it, swimming in it, taking baths and showers and God, watering my lawn. That is a genuine pleasure. I am a firm believer also in the health benefits of water. I think you should drink it down. I really do. So to make a film in which water has become the entire world… That’s a dream come true.

But what do you say to people who say that – considering the water shortage – this film choice is tactless, perhaps even a provocation?

I don’t understand how people could even dream of thinking like that. I’m not a scientist bu the California water shortage is exactly that: a water shortage. I water my crops and fill my pool. I’m using water. How is that a shortage? I’m drinking water right now, look [glug glug]. See!

But the shortage means the more you use the less everyone else has?

I don’t understand that. Surely if there’s a water shortage we should encourage people to use as much water as possible and I am for that. But this is all by the by. In the future the world will be water and my film Waterworld will show the way. In the film an evil government tries to stop rich individuals from using all the water they want to water golf courses and the like. They want to steal rich people’s water and give it to all these so called ‘thirsty’ people. But Magnum (that’s me) part man, part fish, comes along and saves the day.

Waterworld will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

JOSEPH FIENNES FOUND IN A HOLE

HOLLYWOOD – Shakespeare in Love actor Joseph Fiennes has been found at the bottom of a deep hole in Cornwall, England.

The shaken actor was rescued yesterday afternoon when Alan and Mavis Petersen, walking their border collie Deridda, heard cries for help coming from a hole near the path. It is believed that Fiennes must have fallen down the hole sometime shortly after shooting FlashForward. His agent spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

This is a real relief. I’ve been trying to contact Joseph for years. Literally years. I thought he was mad because it was me that persuaded him to do Killing Me Softly, but all this time he’s been down the hole in Cornwall. It comes, I have to say, as a relief. Now we can finally start looking at those offers for Shakespeare in Love Again that we’ve been getting. Or at least got ten years ago.

How is Joseph?

He’s fine. Obviously he’s lost weight and he’s a little bit deranged. At first there was this preternatural calm but then he learned that Ralph Fiennes (Joseph’s brother) got a role in the Harry Potter films and he went ballistic.

Still rivals, huh?

Apparently when he was in the hole, Joseph made a model of his brother out of pebbles and twigs and mud, meticulous and perfect in every detail, just so that he could kick it in the head.

Yikes.

I know.

But there’s one thing that confuses me. If Joseph Fiennes has been stuck down this hole for five years or more, how come he was in American Horror Story recently?

This stings a bit because he didn’t come to me, but apparently some of his old FlashForward pals knew where Joseph was all along and they’d come and collect him from hole via a helicopter and a winch, He’d shoot his scenes and then they’d put him back in the hole where he would give Ralph a healthy thrashing and resume his rocking back and forth and keening.

What’s next for Joseph?

Appropriately enough he’s doing a film called Risen, about the resurrection of Jesus. Kevin Reynolds of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and Waterworld fame is on the job. So we’re all very excited.

Risen will be released 2018.