FARRELLY BROTHERS ROSEMARY’S BABY

The Farrelly brothers Rosemary’s Baby remake gets the green light as news spread that Pineapple Express director, David Gordon Green is to direct a new Exorcist trilogy.

As an unusual genre for the Farrelly brothers Rosemary’s Baby remake will star Amy Adams as Rosemary (previously played by Mia Farrow) and Jon Hamm as Guy (previously played by Nick Cassavetes). 

 



The Farrelly Brothers Rosemary’s Baby

The Farrellys told The Exec,  ‘We’re huge fans of Polanski’s films. Uumm… up to and including Chinatown. But nothing after that. Y’know what I talking about. And we always thought we would be a perfect fit to bring Rosemary’s story to a new generation. We will tell her story with compassion and sensitivity. Oh, and a whole heap of fart gags.’

 


Shallow Hell

‘We’ve got a great supporting cast lined up and ready to go. We have Kirstie Alley in the Ruth Gordon role. We’re very proud to announce we have Kevin James on board as Satan. He just brings so much class and heft to any role he plays. From The King Of Queens where he pulled funny faces and fell over a lot, to Paul Blart Mall Cop, where he pulled funny faces and fell over a lot. The man’s a comic genius.’

 


An American Wayans In Venice

The Wayans brothers brought us classics such as White Chicks and 85 entries in the Scary Movie franchise and are remaking another horror classic. They will write, direct and star in a remake of Don’t Look Now. It will be called ‘What The Fuck Was That?!’ Marlon Wayans will play all three main roles including the mysterious figure in the red coat. 

 


The Farrelly Brothers’ There’s Something About Rosemary Starts Shooting In September. The Wayans’ What The Fuck Was That?! Starts Shooting In November. The Sequels Will Start Shooting In December.

KEVIN JAMES MOVIE CAREER DECLARED ILLEGAL

BREAKING NEWS – Kevin James movie career is declared illegal.

In a shock bill that has been passed by the federal government with no resistance from Democrats or Republicans, POTUS has signed the bill that now makes the Kevin James movie career illegal.


Ask Not What Comedy Can Do For You


The federal law that has been passed will hunt down and prosecute any company or individuals who attempt to write, produce, finance or perform in any comedy that stars Kevin James. The crime is punishable by a maximum sentence of 20 years that can be imposed. President Biden is quoted as saying, ‘Jill and I sat down to watch TV the other night and we caught the first 20 minutes of Paul Blart Mall Cop, and poor Jill hasn’t stopped vomiting since. It’s truly awful stuff. I vowed to unite the country and dag-nabbit, this is the one thing we can all get behind.’

 

But What You Can Do For Comedy

 

Local state laws have also been passed nationwide whereby the viewing of any Kevin James movie will be a misdemeanor offence with harsher corporate fiscal penalties for stations and companies broadcasting or distributing the outlawed back catalogue.

 

Sorry As Shit


Kevin James appeared on nationwide TV, under house arrest to read a brief statement of contrition. ‘I want to take this opportunity to apologize for my films. I can see now what upset and harm they have caused to so many people. This will make me become a better person. I will re-educate myself on what decent people actually find funny.’

 

At that point he fell over into a paddling pool full of whipped cream. He then slipped several times whilst trying to stand up. Then, with a familiar glazed expression staring into camera, farted. He was then restrained by several federal agents. He was taken away under armed guard to an undisclosed location where he will face trial.

 

More on this story as it breaks.

CANNES FILM FESTIVAL BEGINS

CANNES – The 73rd Cannes Film Festival opens today.

Another year, another Cannes film festival. We flew in to Nice late last night and now the Studio Exec team has gathered in our hotel suite overlooking the Croisette. The program promises to be lively and the jury, led by Spike Lee no less, will no doubt begin their deliberations. One things for sure, this is going to be a bumper year of fun and controversy.

For once there doesn’t seem to be that many people about. In fact going for a walk this morning there was hardly anybody and no sign of the massive billboards that usually front the hotels. The Palais du Cinema looks dark and the queues at the accreditation are non-existent. It’s a bit sloppy of the organisers but they haven’t announced the official programme or what the opening film is going to be. Come on Thierry, get it together!

Personally, I have my fingers crossed for the Kevin James starrer Paul Blart Mall Cop 3. Though some people argued that Richard Jewell was effectively a Paul Blart sequel, I’ve never accepted it as cannon. Obviously, there’ll be a Naomi Kawase movie as there has been every year since 1946. Other highlights will include queuing for three hours to then not get in to the new Wes Anderson The French Dispatch. Also the culinary delights of moules frites, pan bagnat and pan aux chocolat. We’ll frequent all the most chic nightspots like Ma Nolan’s and the Petit Majestique.

Highlights

Some highlights to look forward to:

Gaspar Noe’s new film Rimjob looks set to be his most controversial yet with a forty minute sequence in which someone puts bread in the fridge, something you should never do.

Wes Anderson will grace the red carpet with everybody who has ever acted appearing in his new film.

The ‘Death of Cinema’ is debated for the first time ever.

To avoid spoilers being leaked via social media the festival is requesting press screenings to take place only after everyone in the world has already seen the films.

People finally admit rose wine is awful and we wouldn’t drink it if it wasn’t free.

The Cannes Film Festival ends on May 24th.

WILL 2020 OSCARS END KEVIN JAMES’ OSCAR DROUGHT?

HOLLYWOOD – Time has come to decide once and for all who will win the 2020 Oscars.

The 92nd Academy Awards – also known as the Oscars – are almost upon us and the time has arrived when we should start to ask the question: will 2020 finally be Kevin James’ year? Although the man known internationally as ‘the barrel of laughs’ has never been nominated, his name is always in the mix ever since Paul Blart Mall Cop hit the screens in 2009.  And yet 2020 is already heavy with Oscar worthy competition.

The Biggest Threats

So what are the leading threats to a James victory? First off, Quentin Tarantino’s 9th movie Once Upon a Time in Hollywood has just dropped a trailer and the Brad Pitt Leonardo DiCaprio double bill is bound to have the Academy salivating. Then there’s The Irishman – produced by Netflix and directed by Martin Scorsese – which is gaining a lot of steam and boasts both Robert de Niro and Al Pacino among the impressive cast. James Mangold’s Ford v Ferrari epic also has big hitter Christian Bale and Matt Damon in the running. But the most dangerous contender will be Oscar darling Tom Hanks, who hits the theaters as Mr Rogers in the movie A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.

But for what film?

Fans of Kevin James believe however that he can do it. We spoke with veteran Kevin James watcher Haneke Makalé:

As has always been the case with Kevin James – the fun biscuit as he likes to be called – the man is a perfectionist. He tends to choose one film project per year and throw himself heart and soul into it. A little bit like Daniel Day Lewis or Marlon Brando, but funny. He employs the method. Last year, he made Hotel Transylvania 3 and it took a lot out of him. Whether we see him this year is open to debate. And the Oscars are very strict about this. If you don’t appear in a film, you can’t win an Oscar, unless it is a lifetime achievement award. And Kevin James – The Saturn of Mirth as he’s known in France – is a bit young still for that.

You have to be in it to win it, Kevin. So get those film making trousers on and let’s go to work.

For more on the Oscars click here.

MELISSA MCCARTHY SIGNS ON FOR ROSEANNE

HOLLYWOOD – Melissa McCarthy is to take over as Roseanne Connor following the firing of Roseanne Barr.

Season two of the groundbreaking sitcom Roseanne will star Melissa McCarthy in the role of the Roseanne Connor, the working mother who keeps her blue collar family together with her sharp witty tongue.John Goodman is on board to play her husband Dan.

McCarthy had this to say about the project:

I’ve always been a huge fan of Roseanne Barr. For me she was a hero and a role model. She broke a lot of ground as a comedian for women and when ABC came to me with the idea I thought it sounded amazing. I agreed straight away.

How will your approach differ?

I’m not going to take Ambien. That’s for starters.  I think my version is going to be less angry and bitter. She’s going to spend less time on Twitter and more time investigating paranormal activity. In order to lighten the mood a little, I’ve also introduced a concept I’d like to call ‘Ghostbusting’.

Ghostbusting?

Having lost her job, Dan and I start up a new business where they investigate and capture paranormal activity and amusing CGI apparitions.

That sounds…

Absolutely amazing. I know, right?

Roseanne returns to ABC in 2021.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

SPIN OFF STAR WARS: PORKINS BEGINS GETS STAR

HOLLYWOOD – Stand alone Star Wars movie Star Wars: Porkins Begins today confirmed Kevin James would star as Red 6 and the first synopsis was revealed.

Due for release after The Force Awakens and Rogue One, Star Wars: Porkins Begins will star Kevin James as Jek Tono Porkins, the man who said he could hold it, but tragically couldn’t, during the battle of the Death Star. It will be directed by Frank Coraci.

Also the Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the full official synopsis of the new stand alone Star Wars film:

Star Wars: Porkins Begins traces the early history of Jek Tono Porkins, an easy going commercial pilot from planet Bestine IV. He teaches the young ones pod racing and has an adoring young girlfriend. But when Tin Fanu, a sworn enemy and Imperial stooge, takes over the local pod racing little league, Porkins must step up and fulfil his destiny. He trains his disadvantaged youngsters and beats Fanu in a one on one race to save the Community Center from financial disaster.

Star Wars: Porkins Begins sees the birth of a Star Wars legend, from humble beginnings in an out of the way system, to the man who will sacrifice his life on the attack of the Death Star. Porkins is a role model and the hero next door, but from a Galaxy Far Far Away…

Kevin James spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the role:

Pumped. When I went to see Star Wars in 1977, I didn’t feel Luke Skywalker represented me. I dreamed of being Han Solo, but that wasn’t me either. No I was Porkins. The fat kid who explodes! This film will give us the opportunity to find out who Porkins really lived. How he became a hero. This is for all the other kids out there who think they maybe can’t achieve their goals because of body issues.

The film is believed to be part of a new trilogy which will end where the first Star Wars: Episode IV concludes.

Star Wars: Porkins Begins will be released in 2019. 

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

CANNONBALL RUN TO BE REMADE BECAUSE SOMEONE ON TWITTER SUGGESTED IT

HOLLYWOOD – Cannonball Run will be remade following a question on twitter.

Someone on Twitter today wondered if there was a remake of Cannonball Run on the cards and within minutes the idea was green lit. The Studio Exec was casually trolling through Twitter looking for more reasons to hate himself and his country when he came across the following tweet. 

No sooner had he read it than he was on a conference call with Burt Reynolds and the Dom Deluise estate. Rights secured, it was a matter of seconds before the talents of Ryan Reynolds and Kevin James were enlisted and the matter placed in the safe hands of director Michael Haneke.

The Cannonball Run will be released in 2018.

PAUL BLART MALL COP 3 IN TROUBLE

HOLLYWOOD – Production suspended on Paul Blart Mall Cop 3 following really bad smell.

Kevin James has halted production on Paul Blart Mall Cop 3, the final chapter of the Mall Cop trilogy because of ‘really bad smells, like egg and zinc’.

A source close to the hilarious comedian told the Studio Exec:

We’re shooting in China. Don’t ask. Anyway, every time we come to the set, there’s this…woof. I mean someone is obviously farting. The smell is the kind of smell that can only be made by the inside of a body and bad food, or perhaps a drowned corpse.

Despite the smell, the film looks set to be another winner in the Paul Blart Mall Cop trilogy. It sees Kevin James’ mall security man go to China. He gets mixed up with Russian gangsters and a long lost brother.

Paul Blart Mall Cop 3 will be released in 2017.

 

MELISSA MCCARTHY SIGNS ON FOR ROSEANNE

HOLLYWOOD – Melissa McCarthy is to star in a remake of the late 80s early 90s sitcom Roseanne for Netflix.

The new Netflix version of Roseanne Barr’s groundbreaking sitcom Roseanne will star Melissa McCarthy in the role of the Roseanne Connor, the working mother who keeps her blue collar family together with her sharp witty tongue. Kevin James is on board to play her husband Dan.

McCarthy had this to say about the project:

I’ve always been a huge fan of Roseanne Barr. For me she was a hero and a role model. She broke a lot of ground as a comedian for women and when Netflix came to me with the idea I thought it sounded amazing. I agreed straight away.

Will the show be updated?

Absolutely. The original Roseanne was very much of its time. It was a show that spoke to the Clinton years really. Aspirational and working class. There was an optimism despite all the hardship and hard times. Nowadays, things have changed. We have a Trump presidency to look forward to and I think my Roseanne is going to be angrier and more bitter. She’s going to spend a lot of time on Twitter rants and working out why the bank are foreclosing on her house. In order to lighten the mood a little, I’ve also introduced a concept I’d like to call ‘Ghostbusting’.

Ghostbusting?

Having lost her job, Dan and Roseanne start up a new business where they investigate and capture paranormal activity and amusing CGI apparitions.

That sounds…

Absolutely amazing. I know, right?

The Netflix original series will drop twenty episodes some time early in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

PEOPLE WITH VAGINAS ALSO FUNNY, HOLLYWOOD LEARNS

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that people with vaginas can also be funny.

The release of the female led Ghostbusters reboot has taken everyone by surprise. The new film starring Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy has been warmly received, despite a bunch of dicks trying to do down its IMDb score, because they’re … well … dicks.

Industry analyst Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:

This idea that people with vaginas can be funny is not actually a new thing. In the past we had some great film comediennes like Madeline Kahn, Bernadette Peters, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn to name but four. However, there has always been a prevailing idea in the big studios that men are funnier than women and that’s what the public want to see. But now with Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and Melissa McCarthy consistently bringing in high end critical and commercial successes to the big screen. There needs to be a rethink.

Where does this leave people with penises?

Also we have to look at the other side of the ledger. People with penises. Penii. Okay those. Adam Sandler, Kevin Hart, Kevin James, increasingly Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Robert deNiro, James Franco, Seth Rogen… maybe it’s time to consider the idea that people with penises aren’t so equipped for comedy. Especially since the frat boy idea of gross out comedy took the ascendancy and became essentially the only comedy we see these days.

Ghostbusters is in theaters.

FIRST IMAGE OF AXL ROSE IN STAR WARS MUSICAL: MAX REBO LIVE

HOLLYWOOD – The first image from stand-alone Star Wars musical Max Rebo Live features Guns n Roses singer Axl Rose, rocking with the band.

After The Force Awakens and Rogue One comes the first Star Wars musical Max Rebo Live, starring Axl Rose and Bono. Director Martin Scorsese talked about the project.

I’ve resisted for a long time the whole Star Wars thing. Frankly Science Fiction is not a genre that I’m that interested in, but when Disney approached me about doing a concert film for the Max Rebo band in Jabba the Hutt’s court, all I heard was the words ‘concert film’.

What’s the story Marty?

First off, there really isn’t a story. I mean this is Star Wars so who gives a shit, am I right? We’re just going to have a load of rock and roll legends perform science fiction versions of their top hits and I’m going to film the whole thing with about seven cameras and hope some sort of narrative comes out in the editing room.

With the Terrence Malick and Kevin James Star Wars films coming up, are you worried that there might be too many?

Not at all. We offer something very different. In the Seventies Terry was making Days of Heaven and I was making Mean Streets and Taxi Driver. But now we’re living in an age of comic books and franchises and no one gives a shit about original story telling anymore. So as far as I’m concerned, I just want to play some music and get it on.

What songs can we expect to hear?

Axl is going to play Sweet Wookie of Mine and Welcome to the Jungle Moon. Mick Jagger and the Stones are going to play Sympathy for the Vader. And Paul McCartney will play Hey Jedi.

Star wars: Max Bebo Live will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

CANNES RELEASE OFFICIAL POSTER

PARIS – Another year, another Cannes Festival and in preparation the Cannes authorities have released a poster which will be hung above the Palais du Cinema in May.

In the past Cannes has gone with icons of cinema history – Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, Marcello Mastronianni and Ingrid Bergman – as a way of both celebrating the glamour of the movies but also the prestige that they have achieved. This year is no different and the most famous European film festival is paying tribute with an image of Kevin James in Paul Blart Mall Cop.

Thierry Fremaux spoke EXCLUSIVELY about the thinking behind the decision:

There are two cinemas in this world. There is the cinema that existed before 2009 and the cinema that came after 2009. That year was the year of Paul Blart Mall Cop starring Kevin James, the heir of Chaplin, Keaton, Sandler, and directed by Frank Coraci, the American Fellini as he known around these parts. I believe with Paul Blart looking down on the Croisette, this festival will be inspired to ever greater heights and also humbled to some extent about the task of carrying on the great legacy that Coraci and James have left us.

A recently restored version of Paul Blart Mall Cop will also be shown as part of a season of digitally restored Kevin James films, – including Here Comes the Boom and the rediscovered classic Grownups – which will be shown during the festival. Of course Paul Blart has a long history with the festival after Paul Blart 2 opened the festival only last year.

The Cannes Film Festival takes place from 11th of May to the 22nd.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

TERRENCE MALICK CONFIRMS STAR WARS ANTHOLOGY ‘JABBA’

HOLLYWOOD – Cult director Terrence Malick has confirmed that he will be directing a Star Wars Anthology movie, entitled simply: Jabba.

The reclusive director of The Tree of Life and To the Wonder, Terrence Malick will direct a new Star Wars spin off movie based on the early life of Jabba the Hutt entitled simply Jabba. Very little is known of the movie, but the Studio Exec was able to talk to the notoriously shy director.

This is what he said:

I’ve always been fascinated by the desert. One of my favorite films is Lawrence of Arabia, so when Kathleen [Kennedy] telephoned and said they were wondering if I’d be interested in doing anything in the Star Wars universe, I said straight away yes, but it would have to be set on Tattooine and the character I would be most interested in would be Jabba the Hutt.

Why Jabba the Hutt?

I’ve always been interested in the way a soul that is so capable of joy and glory, becomes also capable strangely of destruction and wickedness. Watching Return of the Jedi, I always thought that Jabba was capable of appreciating beauty, but at the same time his own ugliness made him destroy that beauty. His tragedy was that he could appreciate the lithe beauty of the dancing girl and slave Leia, but he could never truly reach them. His was forever a yearning without any real chance of contact. And that was the root of his violence.

I see. 

I think it was Schopenhauer who said that life is divided between desire and boredom and in a nutshell that is Jabba’s dilemma. But in the new film we’ll see a young Jabba, a young creature with a dominant strict and somewhat distant father, and a beautiful dancing girl mother who represents grace and nature. It will be her early death in the maw of the Rancor that will scar the young Jabba forever and force him into believing that the toothed vagina of the Sarlacc Pit is the reality of love.

How will the film be stylistically?

Emmanuel Lubezki is very enthusiastic to be on board, so might beautiful photography. The Magic Hour will look gorgeous with the sand. You think of the best part of Episode IV, it was Luke gazing at the two setting suns. So we have more magic hour! We’ll have lots of voice-over. And Rachel Weisz will get cut out of the final movie again.

Who is going to play Jabba?

I know you want me to say Jonah Hill or Kevin James, just for the easy laugh. Am I right?

Okay, who will it be?

Jonah Hill. Definitely.

Jabba will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

ISIS POST 5 STAR PIXELS REVIEW

PALMYRA – ISIS (also known as the Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham) have given the Adam Sandler comedy Pixels a five star review in what is being viewed as another attack on culture.

The ISIS “Pixels” review was posted on Rotten Tomatoes, as well as on various Jihadi websites across the internet. It reads:

Adam Sandler returns to form with another hilarious comedy with all the thrills and spills of an arcade classic! Sandler is joined by Kevin James and Peter Dinklage (from the awful Game of Thrones) as a team of video gamers who are called to save the world when aliens invade in the form of classic arcade game monsters from the games of their youth. As Pac-Man and Donkey Kong rip up the city, our intrepid team must learn to fight together as they exchange rib tickling quips. It is fun all the way. And has some deep things to say about how women are awful.

Harry Potter director Christopher Columbus does an able job of mixing the comedy with the action and the score by

The UN believe that this is a second stage of the well-publicized attack on cultural artifacts.

A spokesperson told the Studio Exec:

Whether blowing up ancient Buddhist shrines, or trash sculptures and buildings in the Middle East, ISIS have shown themselves to be absolute enemies of culture and art. We believe that the Pixels review is the second prong of that same attack. If ISIS can raise the percentage on Rotten Tomatoes it will get more people to watch Adam Sandler films and who knows what else. The Fantastic Four maybe. That will obviously have a personal cost on the people who are duped into watching those films, but it also might turn some susceptible youth into a terrorist who hates the kind of society that can produce Grown Ups 2.

 

The CIA and MI5 have both said that they will be monitoring film sites from now on and any suspicious activity should be reported immediately to the appropriate authorities.

Pixels is on current release.