DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON AND KEVIN HART SIGN ON FOR PREDATOR

HOLLYWOOD – Predator remake to star Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Kevin Hart.

Kevin Hart and Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson are to star in a remake of the 80s action classic Predator.

The official synopsis reads:

Dwight (Hart) and Toby (Johnson) are on holiday with their wives in Peru when they find a treasure map. As they search for the treasure however they get lost in the jungle.  Their troubles have only just started as they realize an alien is hunting them.

Director Shane Black spoke for the first time about his vision of the film:

It’s going to be a lot lighter. After The Nice Guys, I realized that this approach could work with anything. Action and adventure mixes with comedy and gross out humor. Kevin and Dwayne work well together. They bring a magic which frankly Carl Weathers and Arnold Schwarzenegger never had.

The Predator Vacation will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

MARK ZUCKERBERG AND PRISCILLA CHAN PLEDGE $3 BILLION TO STOP KEVIN HART MAKING FILMS

HOLLYWOOD – Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan today pledged a whopping $3 billion in a campaign to stop Kevin Hart making films.

Following the announcement that they were going to pledge 99% of their Facebook shares to charitable causes, Priscilla Chan and Mark Zuckerberg yesterday made good on their promise by pledging $3 billion to fund a campaign to stop Kevin Hart from making films. Making the announcement in San Francisco Wednesday, Dr Chan said the work to stop Kevin Hart making films was ‘an achievable goal, if not in our lifetime, certainly in the lifetime of our children.’ She went on to explain:

Kevin Hart is one of many comedians who has parlayed a reputation in the clubs into a successful movie career. But the films of all these guys are rotten. Just terrible. Kevin Hart is one of the worst examples. So we’re going to target him specifically and with the funds of the Chan Zuckerberg Foundation see if we can’t eliminate, reduce or at least manage all Kevin hart movies.

Responding to critics who said there were worse problems in the world, Dr. Chan replied:

Oh really?

Kevin Hart himself issued no statement, busy making Journey with Lara Croft to Jumanji Kong with Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson.

 

FIRST IMAGE OF JOURNEY WITH LARA CROFT TO JUMANJI KONG

HOLLYWOOD – The first image has been released from Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s new film, the multi-movie mash-up: Journey With Lara Croft to Jumanji Kong.

The photograph shows the cast in costume posing in the jungle on Skull Island.  Dwayne Johnson plays Dr. Smolder Bravestone and Kevin Hart his dumbass sidekick Moose Finbar. Karen Gillan is seen in the role of Lara Croft and Jack Black reprises his role as Carl Denham. Jack Black spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

You could look at the picture and say what happened to Jack Black? I mean, the guy used to star in movies and now he’s playing third fiddle to a wrestler and Kevin Hart, but that isn’t the way I look at it. I see it as the opportunity to pay tribute to three or four great movie franchises. Jumanji, Lara Croft, Journey to the Whatever and King Kong. Oh, and Central Intelligence as well I suppose. I have to say that last one or Kevin gets pissed and tells everyone not to give me food.

Journey with Lara Croft to Jumanji Kong will be released in 2017.

PEOPLE WITH VAGINAS ALSO FUNNY, HOLLYWOOD LEARNS

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that people with vaginas can also be funny.

The release of the female led Ghostbusters reboot has taken everyone by surprise. The new film starring Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy has been warmly received, despite a bunch of dicks trying to do down its IMDb score, because they’re … well … dicks.

Industry analyst Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:

This idea that people with vaginas can be funny is not actually a new thing. In the past we had some great film comediennes like Madeline Kahn, Bernadette Peters, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn to name but four. However, there has always been a prevailing idea in the big studios that men are funnier than women and that’s what the public want to see. But now with Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and Melissa McCarthy consistently bringing in high end critical and commercial successes to the big screen. There needs to be a rethink.

Where does this leave people with penises?

Also we have to look at the other side of the ledger. People with penises. Penii. Okay those. Adam Sandler, Kevin Hart, Kevin James, increasingly Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Robert deNiro, James Franco, Seth Rogen… maybe it’s time to consider the idea that people with penises aren’t so equipped for comedy. Especially since the frat boy idea of gross out comedy took the ascendancy and became essentially the only comedy we see these days.

Ghostbusters is in theaters.

RIDE ALONG 2 OFFICIALLY BETTER THAN THE REVENANT

HOLLYWOOD – According to Box Office figures Ride Along 2 is officially better than The Revenant and Star Wars The Force Awakens as of this week.

Looking at the first figures, it seems to be the case that Ride Along 2 is now better than either Star Wars The Force Awakens or The Revenant. The news, which had been predicted by analysts, left some movie goers perplexed but Box Office expert Joey Smole told The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that we must accept the facts:

Everybody knows that Hollywood is a business. Show business, sure enough, but a business nonetheless. Ride Along 2 is estimated to have taken $38 million by Monday and that will place it above both Star Wars and The Revenant and this will mean that it is the better movie. Next week might be different but for this week it’s the best movie and no film critic with his Harvard degree can contradict that.

But money isn’t every…

Shut your mouth.

Sorry. 

Does Kevin Hart make me laugh? No. Can Ice Cube act? Not really. Was Ride Along 1 really deserving of a sequel? I wouldn’t have said so. Burt the money has spoken. And THAT is all the matters.

Does this mean there will be a Ride Along 3?

Yes.

Ride Along 3 will be released in 2018.

TREVOR NOAH: ‘JON STEWART WAS SH*T’

NEW YORK – Replacing Jon Stewart as the host of The Daily Show was always going to be difficult bu Trevor Noah got off to a confident start, stating boldly ‘Jon Stewart was sh*t’ before tearing off his shirt and trousers and running around the studio practically naked.

Following an audible gasp from the audience, Trevor Noah went on to say in his first opening monologue as host:

Jon Stewart was yesterday’s man. He was rubbish. I’ve seen funnier dentists. Everything he said was wrong and dull, filled with mediocre analysis and second hand Groucho Marx schtick. [High-pitched mimicky voice] ‘I’m Jon Stewart, I’m Jon Stewart’. And now I have to sit in his chair and I have to tell you, it’s sticky. I, Trevor Noah, am much better. I’m the best. You won’t find anyone funnier than me. And I know my politics. What about that Pope? Huh!

At which point the South African host stripped off and went for a run around the studio audience. Things only got worse when the time came to interview his guest Kevin Hart. Noah set about the interview in what many considered an overly aggressive choke hold, before forcing Hart to sing an improvised song of praise to Noah himself to the theme music from Hart to Hart. Variety claimed that the debut was ‘eccentric but promising’, whereas Deadline said that the sight of the naked South African comedian throttling his guests was ‘refreshing’.

Trevor Noah will continue his Daily Show tenure.