EXTREME VEGETARIAN KEVIN BACON CHANGES NAME TO KEVIN KALE

HOLLYWOOD – Kevin Bacon has changed his name to Kevin Kale.

Vegetarian activist and Cop Car actor Kevin Bacon will henceforth be known as Kevin Kale. He came into the Studio Exec Bungalow and spoke to the Studio Exec about this frankly nutso decision:

You know me Exec. I’ve been a vegetarian how many years. And this is both an ethical decision and an environmental one. In my life I practice ethical living as much as possible. I object to the slaughter of millions of innocent animals for our nutrition when so many alternatives are available which involve no suffering. And have far less impact on the environment. But then I walk around with a name that means basically Kevin Pig Murder.

Okay, but Kale?

What’s wrong with Kale?

Everything.

Okay I hear you. But you know what it’s like in Hollywood man. We had to focus group a bunch of names. Kevin Cauliflower, Kevin Turnip, Kevin Tomato, Kevin Radish. They all sounded ridiculous.

Yeah, but Kale?

Forget Kale.

Are you going to retrospectively change your credits?

Yes. Tremors starring Kevin Kale, Footloose starring Kevin Kale. Etc.

I Love Kale starts on Showtime this Fall.

KEVIN BACON TALKS ABOUT STICKY-UPY HAIR TERROR

HOLLYWOOD – The Following and Hollow Man actor Kevin Bacon has for the first time revealed his long-running battle with hair sticky-upiness.

Footloose star, Kevin Bacon came round to the Studio Exec Bungalow early this morning to talk for the first time about his until now secret struggle with hair sticky-upiness.

It just sticks up and I comb it down but it springs up like it has a life of its own. People think its hair gel or some kind of salon hairdressing style but it isn’t. It actually comes from within the hair and I really don’t know what to do anymore. I am literally at my wit’s end.

Bacon was a young actor when he was first struck down by the rare syndrome.

I was making Friday the 13th. I had a small part. It was 1980 and was going to be my big break. I was to be murdered. I don’t know if you know much about how they make horror movies, but the director Sean Cunningham he was into doing it all for real and he scared the bejesus out of me. The morning after I shot the scene my hair was all sticky up and it never came down. In 1984, I did Footloose and my ‘electric hair’ was one of the reasons I got the job, but little did I know that it would be a battle for the next thirty odd years. Jesus, in A Few Good Man I was almost fired because it got so distracting.

Why speak out now?

Because I know there are so many kids at home with sticky upy hair and I just think if they can see someone like me, an ambassador if you will for hair that will not stay down, then they can live their lives reassured that perhaps they too can make a bucket of money with a film and TV career second to none.

Cop Car will be released now.

KEVIN BACON ACCIDENTALLY SEPARATED BY 6 DEGREES

HOLLYWOOD – News is coming in that Kevin Bacon – star of Flashdance and The Following – has separated by six degrees.

The incident happened in the early hours of this morning as Mr. Bacon and his party were leaving Chez Dave, a popular Anglo-Russian restaurant owned by Ryan Gosling where potato-themed dishes are bought via bartering with American cigarettes and Belgian chocolate.  An eyewitness said, ‘Bacon was just walking normally and then suddenly he just kind of split. A part of him just peeled off and the weird thing was, as well as there being blood, there was this strange purple sand that just fell out of him.’

Doctors at the Cedar-Sinai Medical Center were quick to reassure tearful fans that Bacon was out of danger. A spokesman for the Medical Center said:

Mr. Bacon is currently resting after the incident. He is obviously in some discomfort, having effectively come apart in a way that even I, as a medical man, would describe as rank, but we’ve stapled him and given him some painkillers, and he is currently in a stable condition. This is not the first time this has happened.

Avid Bacon watchers were only partially reassured by the diagnosis. Sepp Beaster commented from a trailer park just off the interstate:

Kev has separated five times in the last twenty years, but what makes this last one significant is that previously there have always been six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon, but this time, it’s seven. So we’re going to have to rename the game and hope that Kevvy doesn’t go any further.

 The maximum someone can separate according to Wikipedia is nine, so let’s hope Mr. Bacon can hold it together.

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DANIEL DAY LEWIS TO LAUNCH ROCK SUPERGROUP

Gary big bottom Sinise

DUBLIN – Three time Oscar winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis has embarked on a new career as a rock vocalist assembling a Celebrity Rock Super Group called Class Actors.

‘I don’t play an instrument or write my own material,’ said the famously happy actor. ‘But I do like to rock out and let my hair down and I play a pretty mean air guitar.’



Russell the Muscle
Smooth operator Eastwood
Mr. Perlman

Kevin Spacey is learning to play the drums, Gary Sinise is on bass, Russell Crowe on acoustic guitar and backing vocals, Clint Eastwood is tickling the ivories and Denzel Washington and Danny DeVito are making up the horn section.

Preacher man


Daniel Day Lewis commented:

I got the idea from Kevin Bacon who has had a band for ages but they’re absolutely gash. We’re going into the studio and we’re going to do a whole bunch of rock classics that reflect our careers. 

What songs do you have lined up?

Smoke on the Water, Stairway to Heaven, Wild Boys by Duran Duran, Take on Me by A-Ha, Living on a Prayer, The Eye of the Tiger, Drop Kick me Jesus (Through the Goalpost of Heaven). That one’s for Gary. Two Tribes and we’re toying around with Bruce Willis.

You’re going to do one of his songs?

No, we just keep telling him the wrong practice rooms and he turns up and waits for ages. It’s hilarious. 

Will Class Act be performing live?

Definitely. We’re booked for the Anchor Inn on the 23rd.  

Class Act are playing at the Anchor Inn on the 23rd.