JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT TURNS UP TO FORCE AWAKENS PREMIERE DRESSED LIKE KERMIT

HOLLYWOOD – Star of Sin City: A Dame to Kill For and 50/50, Joseph Gordon-Levitt turned up to the Star Wars: Force Awakens première in Los Angeles tonight, dressed like a Muppet.

In some sad sack Cosplay attempt, Joseph Gordon-Levitt turned up to the first screening of Star Wars: The Force Awakens dressed in his pyjamas and with his face green and some home-made ears. A stormtrooper standing by told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I really liked Looper, but today Joseph Gordon Levitt was a sad embarrassment to the very serious business of Cosplay. We dedicate our time and energy to getting our costumes precisely accurate, but Levitt turns up and the asshole’s got the wrong movie.

Cheers and Hunger Games star, Woody Harrelson defended the actor saying, ‘Maybe he thought Kermit was in the picture.’ But everyone knows that Harrelson is always high so an endorsement from his mouth is almost worse than nothing. When asked what on earth he was thinking turning up to a Star Wars event dressed as a Muppet, Gordon-Levitt laughed it off:

Right, Muppet! Fantastic. After four hundred years so Kermity you will be. Ha ha!

Everyone agreed that it made no sense whatsoever. Noted linguist Noam Chomsky posted a video on YouTube criticizing Gordon-Levitt’s syntax. ‘It’s all wrong,’ he concluded.

Could this be the end of Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s career?

Use the comment box below to tell us what you think.

To read our Star Wars: The Force Awakens SPOILER FREE review CLICK HERE!

FLUFFER WORKS WITH CHILDREN AND ANIMALS

being bit

They say never work with children or animals. I have no idea at all who they are, but they’re quite right. I suffered quite nasty bruising when that vile brat Macauley Culkin deliberately pushed me down a flight of stairs on Home Alone, and the crew did nothing but roar with laughter. Out of the kindness of his heart darling Joe Pesci offered to slash the dreadful child’s face for me, and he seemed genuinely disappointed when  three production assistants had to hold him back, but I said no: Sir Edwin Fluffer fights his own battles. 

The resulting court case mean they had no choice but to fire me from the picture, and to my dying day I will always maintain that I didn’t know I still had my dentures in when I accidentally repeatedly bit the vile little toad until he cried.

Speaking of evil reptiles reminds me when I met Kermit The Frog. I was telling him about the time I bet King Kong $20 that he couldn’t get Vivien Leigh to fit a banana in her mouth sideways when he struck me in the face with a custard pie. A perfectly decent smoking jacket was badly stained, as was my cravat, and my toupee was ruined. They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but as always they’re completely wrong, and I’m not ashamed to admit I immediately set fire to him with my lighter. What happened next is probably best ignored, but to the young people in the audience who seemed so terribly upset I apologise. 
I let my temper get the better of me and I should never have said such awful things to Fozzie Bear who is a true gentleman. 
And I once porked Miss Piggy, but that’s another story…

STAR WARS STANDALONE: YOUNG YODA

HOLLYWOOD – The first news has come out concerning the new standalone Star Wars movie, Yoda: High School Years. Kermit has already been announced in a piece of inspired casting, as the future Jedi master.
Writer Brett Easton Ellis has leaked plot details.

Yoda is a young kid, uncertain, nervous, but with this incredible gift that he doesn’t know how to use.  He goes to Dagobah High and gets bullied and falls in love with the girl and worries about going to the Prom. 

Disney heads have denied that Mr. Ellis – the author of American Psycho – is in anyway involved with the franchise. ‘Jesus, he keeps giving himself jobs,’ said a source. ‘It’s the Fifty Shades of Grey all over again.’
However, they did confirm that the tone would be relatively light.

Oh yeah, there’ll be lots of jokes about him growing. ‘After twenty years so small I will not be’ he says a lot. Woody Allen is going to voice his father and Billy Crystal will voice the mother (I know, I know, we’ve addressed this).   

Kermit admitted he was nervous about taking on such an icon.

I know that there will be a lot of fans out there waiting for me to fail, but I’m at a stage in my career when I want to take risks. I want to break the bubble.


 Yoda: High School Years will be released in 2015.