TENET WAS ALREADY RELEASED TWO YEARS AGO

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan announces that he released Tenet two years ago.

In a further twist to the Tenet release saga, we learned today that Christopher Nolan released the film two years ago.

He spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec saying that publications like Variety were rubbish. Here, is the interview in full:

I only talk to you SE, because you’re the only one who can truly grasp the intertwining intricacies of my complicated mind.

Right. Gotcha Big C. So what’s all this about Tenet already being out?

You’ve asked me that question already.

Have I?

You will have have.

Wait. What?

You see all my films firstly have this way in which their distribution and the theatrical experience mirrors the themes of the films. So I want to make a big film like Dark Knight, I use Imax. I want to make a dream I make Inception or I want to go back in time for Dunkirk, that’s what I do. Tenet is about time travel. So the best way of releasing it was to go back in time and release it then.

So you’ve gone back in time and released Tenet already?

That’s absolutely right. You’ve already seen it.

Did I like it?

You loved it. The critical reaction was overwhelmingly positive, except for those arseholes at Variety.

What have you got against Variety?

I hate them. They call their magazine Variety and it’s all about movies. Where’s the variety in that?

I see what you mean. So how come I have no memory of Tenet if I’ve already seen it?

Don’t you have a memory of it?

Wait, the way Kenneth Branagh dies is… oh hang on that’s a spoiler.

No it isn’t. Everyone’s already seen it.

Tenet comes in 2018.

JESSE PLEMONS ON BOARD FOR GOOD MATT DAMON HUNTING

HOLLYWOOD – Friday Night Lights and Breaking Bad star Jesse Plemons has signed on to play Matt Damon.

Jesse Plemons to star in the upcoming Gus Van Sant film Good Matt Damon Hunting, documenting the behind the scenes tensions which launched Matt Damon’s career.

Plemons spoke of his approach to the role EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec:

Throughout my career people have said to me that I resemble Damon. Add to this the fact I’ve studied Damon. I watch what he does in Ocean’s 13 and I take notes. I study The Informant! and he blows me away. So to go back to where it all began is almost like an actor’s pilgrimage for me. 

Gus Van Sant, who directed the 1997 drama from a script by Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, commented:

My career has always been one for the studio, one for me. Good Will Hunting despite being my most critically and commercially successful film was for the studio. And so is this one. 

What insight can we expect to see into the making of a modern day classic?

 None. None whatsoever. What insight did you want?

Kenneth Branagh will be play the role of Robin Williams and Chris Pine is currently in talks to take on the Ben Affleck role, scotching rumors that Affleck would appear as himself following huge internet backlash.

Good Matt Damon Hunting will be released in 2020.   

REVIEW – DUNKIRK

REVIEW – DUNKIRK – Christopher Nolan returns with a superb and unconventional war film about the BFG trying to save the British Army after they decided to Brexit.

Young British soldier Tommy (Fionn Whitehead) needs two things. One: to get out of Northern France and get home. And two, to have a shit.

Nolan’s movie never fully decides whether he achieves both. But it is testament to his brilliance that the whole film concerns itself with the nitty-gritty of survival alongside the historical import of it.

Along with 400,000 of his comrades in arms, Tommy is trapped on the beach with the Germans only miles away. At the same time, their planes strafing the lines of waiting soldiers. The Navy can’t get in to pick them up because of the shallow draught and the airforce is apparently reluctant to risk their planes when an invasion of Britain looks iminent. But Tommy still needs to get out.

Meanwhile, Mark Rylance – surely everyone’s ideal 1940s granddad – sets off in a small boat to help in the rescue operation. And above in the sky three spitfires seem to be all the RAF will allow. Luckily, Tom Hardy pilots one of them and there has been very little as satisfying in modern cinema as seeing Tom Hardy handle a spitfire.

With these ingredients – earth, sea, air – and an Inception like time structure – a week, a day, an hour – Nolan constructs one of those most original war films in years. There’s an immediate urgency and a latent panic all the way through, aided by one of Hans Zimmer’s most impressive scores. Nolan manages to places us in the middle of the action without ever glorying in the war porn. In fact, the most touching death occurs as a banal accident. And the terror of death comes as much from water as from bullets and bombs.

The performances are wonderful as well with Kenneth Branagh scanning the horizon with such Britishness that he might as well be suet pudding in a woolly sock. And then there’s what Nolan doesn’t show. The Germans. The homefront. Wives and sweethearts. Anxious mothers. Churchill.  Generals in front of a big map.

The film’s concerns reflect those of the characters. The logistics, the numbers. For the pilots, the fuel they need to get home. Britain likes heroic failures. It’s why it glories in Scott of the Antarctic – who lost the race to the pole. And Mallory and Irvine – who died on Everest. It’s why Admiral Nelson – who died at the Battle of Trafalgar – gets a column in the middle of London, while Wellington – who won but survived at Waterloo – only gets a boot. Dunkirk was a defeat and Nolan’s characters see it as such. But his film earns its patriotic zeal and it’ll be a hard hearted Nazi who can watch the final reel without a tear breaching their defences.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON IS POIROT

LONDONSamuel L. Jackson boards Kenneth Branagh’s Murder on the Motherfucking Orient Express.

Samuel L. Jackson appears as the famed Belgian detective Hercule Poirot, creation of the English crime novelist Agatha Christie.

The Snake on the Planes star said he looked forward to the opportunity to show audiences his range:

People always try to put me in a box as an angry black dude whose always swearing and cussing. But with Poirot, I’ll be totally defying expectations and Merchant Ivorying the shit out of this motherfucker.

Director and bafflingly employed Kenneth Branagh said that Agatha Christie fans need not be nervous:

We’re going to stick very close to the original. It is going to be period and there’s the train and everything, but, you know, with Samuel L. Jackson.

Producers hope that if the first film is a success this could be the start of a new franchise with Death on the Motherfucking Nile, The Murder of Roger Fucking Ackroyd and The AB Motherfucking C Murders scripts already optioned.

Murder on the Motherfucking Orient Express is due for release in 2017.

NO ONE DIRECTION SONGS IN DUNKIRK TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The first trailer for Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk dropped, disappointing many One Direction fans.

The trailer for Christopher Nolan’s first foray into comedy Dunkirk hit the internet today. However, One Direction fans felt a little disappointed that the soundtrack didn’t give a taste of any new One Direction material. Christopher Nolan told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that fans shouldn’t panic:

Look, we haven’t put any songs in the trailer. Neither have we given the whole story away in the trailer either, or all the lines. We want to hold something back. And the One Direction songs, which will include a cover of Rio by Duran Duran, exist as an integral part of the story.

However, One Directioners everywhere, or 1Ders, or 1 D1rect1oners or… well them, fumed across internet message boards. Joey1dLover wrote:

This is bullsh1t!

Another one – Another1Done – wrote:

Shitty bull balls and horse’s piss flaps. Who are all these soldiers and why did Harry have to cut his ha1r?

The film set for a summer release tells the story of the retreat and evacuation of the British army from the beaches of France in 1940. It stars Tom Hardy, Kenneth Branagh, Cillian Murphy, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Naill Horan, Liam Payne and Mark Rylance. Though rumors of an appearance by Zayn Malik remain unconfirmed.

Dunkirk will be released in 2017.

NEW FRANKENSTEIN MOVIE ABOUT FRANKENSTEIN NOT REALLY FRANKENSTEIN

HOLLYWOOD – The new Frankenstein movie Victor Frankenstein isn’t really Frankenstein.

Paul Muigan’s new take on the Mary Shelley classic Victor Frankenstein isn’t actually Frankenstein but purports to tell the story of the secret story behind Frankenstein. Victor Frankenstein is played by James McAvoy who is most famous for playing Mr. Tumnus in the Narnia films. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the film:

You see the thing about Frankenstein by Mary Shelley is that there are a lot of words and these words are organised into sentences and they just go on and on for over two hundred pages, and we thought wouldn’t it be better if we just took the names and then added a few others and then went at it like that. I mean who wants Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. You’d have to be an idiot to want Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.

Kenneth Branagh did Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.

Yeah, but it wasn’t really Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, was it?

He actually called it Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. 

That I did not know. Okay. Well, there you go. It’s been done to death hasn’t it. And then James Whales did the classic version of Frankenstein and we can’t really compete with that. Then Mel Brooks did the best comedy Frankenstein in Young Frankenstein, so we don’t want to go that far. So we decided to do the shittest Frankenstein.

Well done. I think you’ve achieved your aim.

Thank you very much.

How was it working with Daniel Radcliffe?

Who?

Harry Potter.

Oh it was fantastic. You see he knows all about magic, he does card tricks, pulls handkerchiefs out of your ear, the whole thing. So as you know filming can be very dull, and Harry would always entertain the ‘muggles’ as he calls them.

Victor Frankenstein is in the cinema.

JACKIE CHAN IS WAITING FOR GODOT

HOLLYWOOD – Kung fu master and top physical comedian Jackie Chan has signed on for Kenneth Branagh’s Waiting for Godot.

Based on Samuel Beckett’s smash hit stage play, the Rush Hour and Shanghai Noon star Jackie Chan will play Estragon, one of a pair of old geezers who stand around waiting for Godot – a mysterious figure – to arrive. ‘It’s a hilarious knockabout comedy,’ said Thor director Brannagh. ‘And that’s why I thought Jackie would be perfect for the role.’

The Drunken Master himself high kicked his way into the press conference and seemed genuinely pumped to be part of the cast which will also star Brannagh himself as Vladimir and include a cameo from Jet Li as Lucky:

I love Beckett and I can’t wait to see what Kenny is going to do with it.  I’ve wanted to work with him for years. Back when he was doing Hamlet I was going to play Claudius but there was a scheduling issue. Now I’m more determined and this will happen. The only thing I’m slightly disappointed about is that I didn’t get the role of Godot. That’s a peach.

Waiting for Godot will be released in 2017.

JACK RYAN VS JACK REACHER

HOLLYWOOD – You want to watch a movie with Jack in the title but do you choose Jack Reacher or Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit. Here’s our handy FREE cut out and keep 5 FACT guide.

1. In the CIA or out of the CIA? Jack Ryan is in the CIA, I think and Jack Reacher is out of the CIA, an ex-Military Policeman or something. Ryan is played by Tom Cruise, the Scientologist, whereas Reacher is played by Captain Kirk, or the other way round.

2. Motorcycle or car? Jack Reacher drives a car fast as a way of not being boring. Jack Ryan drives a motorcycle fast, proving also that he’s not boring either. Jack Ryan however has more to prove as he is also an information analyst, someone who can download information to a USB stick quickly and is attracted to Keira Knightley. During the making of neither film did the director shout ‘Action!’ Oh, incidentally, Jack Ryan is so boring that Kevin Costner’s appearance actually ADDS excitement!

3. Herzog or Branagh? Dodgy accents ahoy! But only one of them is also an actual accent. Jack Reacher’s Werner Herzog is zee villain of choice. In Jack Ryan, or Reacher, Kenneth Branagh looks bored, as if he is regretting not doing Thor 2.

4. And the villains want to destroy the world? More dodgy real estate (Jack Reacher) or market fiddling (Jack Ryan). Of course both of these ends require snipers (Jack Reacher) or terrorist attacks (Jack Ryan) but none of it makes much sense and it’s probably best you don’t actually think about it too much, because the thinking thing with the ideas stuff gets in the way of the technical stuff.

5. Based on books? Jack Reacher is a character from a series of books by Lee Child, a British author (real name Jim Grant) who supports Aston Villa football club. Anyone who knows Aston Villa football club will understand the excitement of Jack Reacher. Jack Ryan is the creation of the late Tom Clancy, who is to literature what wet paint is to dry paint.

 For more FACTS click HERE.

KENNETH BRANAGH CHANGES NAME TO ‘DIRECTOR OF THOR’

HOLLYWOOD – Kenneth Branagh renowned thespian and film director, adapter of Shakespeare for the big screen and Knight of the British Empire has changed his name to Director of Thor.

Sir Director of Thor telephoned Studio Exec to explain his reasons:

It happened when I happened across the trailer for my new film Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit and I saw they had written ‘From the Director of Thor ‘as a selling point. I was up all night thinking about that. Following my justly celebrated debut, starring in and directing Henry V, I went on to a career which was understandably compared to Laurence Olivier. I directed more Shakespeare including my masterpiece, a four hour Hamlet, as well as hugely successful Big Chill rip off Peter’s Friends. I’ve played Wallander and Shackleton and directed the National Theatre. I’m a knight of the realm. But none of that warrants a mention. No, it’s all subsumed by the fact I directed a comic book film, and not a very good one at that. So I thought f*ck ’em! If that’s what the people want, that’s what they’re going to get. I hop, a skip and a jump and I was down the deed poll office, paid my ten bob and my name was legally changed.

 Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit from the Director of Thor Director of Thor Branagh will be released secretly.

VIN DIESEL ANNOUNCES ELMER FUDD

 SAN DIEGO – Vin Diesel – of Fast and Furious and Riddick fame – has been hinting that a new franchise (perhaps coming from Marvel) was in the offing, but today he revealed he would be starring in a live action version of Elmer Fudd.

The film, provisionally entitled Fudd, will star Vin Diesel in the leading role of the follically-challenged hunter.

An obviously excited Diesel said:

I love the Looney Tunes ‘Universe’ and have been a fan for years. This will be a whole new take on Elmer ‘Egghead’ Fudd. If you think about it, he’s the original action star. A dark character, a man of violence, who relentlessly hunts his adversary the dubbuh-cwossing wabbit! the tweachewous miscweant!

A director has not yet to be attached but Kenneth Branagh has already evinced an interest in an interview with Rolling Stone.

‘He is perhaps the most complex character in animated history,’ said the Shakespeare interpreter extraordinary. ‘Except obviously for Bugs Bunny.’

Comic-Con c-c-c-con-tinues.