EXPERTS WARN 2018 WILL BE A FORCE 4 KEIRA KNIGHTLEY YEAR

HOLLYWOOD – Keira Knightley will return in 2018, experts warn. And she will be more powerful than ever.

Batten down the hatches.  2017 held some shocks for us, but experts today issued a warning that 2018 will bring with it a definite force 4 Keira Knightley. Knightley watcher and expert Domino Hatch told the Studio Exec:

Not since A Dangerous Method have we had so much Knightley on the horizon. She will be at Sundance with Colette. Later in the year, The Aftermath is expected. And then she’s also appearing in Berlin, I Love You and Disney fantasy The Nutcracker and the Four Realms. It’s terrifying.

How can people prepare?

The problem this year is we’ve been relatively Knightley free for some time. So we might not think we need to take precautions. People are dense that way. What I would do is just show the family a bit of Love, Actually or a couple of scenes from Bend it Like Beckham. That way the shock won’t be so extreme.

Is Knightley’s return linked to global warming?

There are some good studies that seem to suggest a link but so far nothing conclusive. I don’t want to muddy the waters by getting into all that.

Colette will be released in 2018.

FELICITY JONES IS THE NEW DEN MOTHER OF THE JOLLY BASTARDS

HOLLYWOOD – Rogue One star Felicity Jones is the new den mother for ex-pat English drinking club The Jolly Bastards.

Felicity Jones takes over from Emilia Clarke as the new den mother of The Jolly Bastards. The Monster Calls and Rogue One star had this to say:

The Jolly Bastards are legendary. I’ve always been a bit starry-eyed, but to actually belong to the group is a dream come true. Emilia did a wonderful job and will be a tough act to follow. As tradition dictates, I killed a swan and used its head as a weapon as we fought on a greased pole with Emilia. It was a tough fight.

Begun in the 1930s as a slapping club for Cary Grant and David Niven, the Jolly Bastards has achieved notoriety for allegations of Swan murder and even human sacrifice. The LAPD for many years tried to bring charges, but were always confounded by the ‘delightful accents’ of the suspects. Emilia Clarke’s mothership of the group has seen an unprecedented shift in the diversity of the Bastards. Once seen as a bastion for male misbehavior the Bastards now features a number of feisty young English women, such as Emily Blunt and Keira Knightley. They can smash up restaurants, inflate cats and ignite policemen as good as Charles Dance.

For more on the Jolly Bastards be so good as to CLICK HERE.

PEOPLE WARNED NOT TO ASK WHERE KEIRA KNIGHTLEY IS

HOLLYWOOD – People have been warned not to ask where Keira Knightley is, lest she return.

Keira Knightley the bafflingly famous actress from England has been missing for about a year. Whether she is working on that cook book that involves only eating stuff that begins with the letter H and cardboard, or scuba diving in sub-Saharan Africa for UNESCO, the important thing is not to ask. A government advisor from the Department of Vincent Gallo, Josie Blemont said:

When a celebrity like Keira Knightley goes off the radar, we at the DVG are very careful not to enquire too deeply lest the celebrity return. It’s a bit like that film Ca…

Is it like Candyman?

I was just about to say, that it’s a bit like that film Candyman, where, if you say the name of the celebrity five times in front of a mirror, they will appear behind you and smash you to death with their cheekbones. Even though…

Candyman had a hook.

I was about to say that.

So the important thing is not to say Keira Knightley Keira Knightley Keira Knightley Keira Knightley…

Stop you mad fool. If you had said Keira Knightley one more time… argh argh argh my face!

Keira Knightley will return.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY DOESN’T FLUSH

HOLLYWOOD – Following his comments on Keira Knightley, Begin Again director John Carney has doubled down on his comments in an outrageous attack on the Domino actress.

Irish director John Carney has already provoked outrage with his criticisms of star Keira Knightley given to The Independent newspaper in the UK, provoking other directors who have worked with the actress to leap to her defense. However, despite a note of apology on Twitter, the director has launched another series of complaints about The Dangerous Method star. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Carney said:

We were doing a read through at my house and Keira, Adam Levine and Mark Ruffalo were there. At one point Keira went to the bathroom – we were having a long session so there was nothing unusual in that – and then we continued. Once they’d gone I went to the bathroom and found the biggest floater I’ve ever seen. This was Cthulhu big! I’m not saying it was Keira, or one of her entourage, it could easily have been Mark and Adam, or even me. But I think it was Keira. I really do.

Jesus!

I know. And another thing. We were at a launch party and they have these plates of finger food going round and everyone is talking and milling about and I see Keira from across the room and she’s dipping this prawn in some sauce, she bites it in half and then she dips again. I didn’t see if she went for a third dip because now my high powered binoculars were shaking with the rage going through my forearms.

The inhumanity of it all. 

You understand, don’t you? Yes, she’s a great actress. Yes she turned up on time and was open to ideas and had some great ideas herself, but she is the kind of person that I’m sure squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. If you know what I’m saying.

Begin Again 2 will be released in 2018.

BEGIN AGAIN 2 MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE

HOLLYWOOD – The future of the eagerly awaited follow up to the musical comedy- drama hit of 2013, Begin Again 2 looks shaky following a spat between director John Carney and star Keira Knightley.

Fan was left stunned this week, as it became clear that Begin Again 2 was being put on indefinite hold. A source close to the production told the Studio Exec:

We were very excited going forward with the sequel tot he funniest and most moving dramedy to come out of the singer-songwriter scene, Begin Again. The stars were all in close talks about coming back to revisit their characters and John [Carney] had even been talking about a trilogy involving the same characters. However, after John’s comments about Keira and everything that has blown up since, it doesn’t look like it will go ahead after all. We’re all devastated here as we were huge fans of the original film and believed that these characters still had stories to tell.

Speculation has been rife that the film might go forward, with either a different director or a different female star. Mark Ruffalo, who is currently shooting Columbo, took time out to express his own thoughts.

I think it could still happen. We’re all professionals and I know we all some times blow off steam in a way that is inappropriate but when it comes down to it, the story we want to tell is bigger than all the egos and bullshit. So who knows. It would plainly be a disaster tot he future of world cinema if Begin Again 2 was not made.

Begin Again 2 was due to be released in 2018.

GEORGE LUCAS’ FORCE AWAKENS EMAIL

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars: The Force Awakens is currently smashing every record at the Box Office but there was one audience member who wasn’t entirely won over: George Lucas.

In an email to J.J. Abrams, George Lucas has expressed his feelings fully and candidly about Episode 7 of the Star Wars saga: The Force Awakens. The Studio Exec has EXCLUSIVELY received a copy of this email. Because of the newsworthiness of this particular item of correspondence, we have decided – after literally seconds of deliberation – to make it publicly available. Be warned, it does contain SPOILERS (if you want to read our SPOILER FREE review Click Here).

Hi JJ,

It was neat of you to let me have that sneak preview. I really enjoyed it, but – as you can imagine – I do have a few notes. Obviously you’ve made the film and do with them what you will. What do I know? I’m only the guy who INVENTED THE WHOLE F*CKING UNIVERSE *joking*. Okay, so here they are.

Luke Skywalker. WTF? Where is he? The whole movie I’m waiting for Luke Skywalker. Okay, he’s disappeared, but for the entire movie. Han Solo had disappeared in Return of the Jedi. Ten minutes into that film he was found, defrosted and back in the action. Christ almighty, JJ. This is Star Wars 101 here!

R2D2 spends the whole movie asleep. Not cool. This BB8 bullshit is never going to catch on. All that rolling around. Eeew. Reminds me of a Goddamned hairless testicle! And where is Jar Jar Binks? Surely you need some comedy in the film. I mean for the kids. No one stepped in ‘doo-doo’ or got their tongue paralyzed. Seriously, are you the same JJ who thought up the ending of Lost?

You misspelled Tatooine. Jakku? Not even close.

Han Solo and Leia. Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher are great obviously but I would have cast new actors to make them look a bit younger. I caught Taylor Lautner in The Ridiculous Six (very funny BTW). He would be perfect as Solo and Keira Knightley as Leia would have been a natural. File under missed opportunities.

14 parsecs – 12 parsecs – it’s a unit of space not time – asshole! And what was that bullshit with the Deathstar and the Starkiller base? Were you seriously just saying my dick is bigger than George’s dick? Is that what that was? Is it?

Kylo Ren should get his hand cut off (obviously).

Other than those minor criticisms I thought the film on the whole was moderately enjoyable. There are two more films coming up so I would give you some further advice if I might. The second film should be darker, the way Empire Strikes Back was. I would call it something like The Gungans Strike Back. Or Return of the Midi-chlorians. Those would be my favorite titles.

Live Long and Prosper, JJ.

G.L.

For more Star Wars click here. 

 

FIRST LOOK AT TARANTINO’S NORTHANGER ABBEY

HOLLYWOOD –  Quentin Tarantino’s 8th film – The Hateful Eight – hasn’t hit theaters yet, but already we have the first look at his ninth project: an adaptation of Jane Austen’s Northanger Abbey, entitled Northanger Motherf*cking Abbey Motherf*cker .

Tarantino had already spoken with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the project (click here for that), but it was only today that he revealed that he was already filming.

I am editing The Hateful Eight at the moment, but it isn’t exactly rocket science. I’ve got eight people in a cabin. So it’s cut to him then to her then back to him. Easy. So during my lunch break I decided we could get started on Northanger Abbey. I have my paperback of the book, annotated heavily in different shades of red crayon. Keira Knightley is on board and so we have been going for it.

The official synopsis reads:

Young Catherine Morland (Keira Knightley) is one of ten children of a clergyman and his wife. An addict of ‘gothic fiction’, she is invited by wealthy neighbors to accompany them on a visit to the spa town of Bath where she meets the Thorpes and Henry a man with whom she will fall in love. However, Henry’s father, General Tilney (Kurt Russell) disapproves and it looks as if no happy marriage can take place. However, when the Sicilian mafia led by Turko Polito (Samuel L. Jackson) kill General Tilney and his entourage over his gambling debts – the famous blood Bath scene for Austen aficionados – Henry and Catherine go on a murder spree around Europe to hunt down and kill the gang that offed General Tilney.

Northanger Motherf*cking Abbey Motherf*cker will be released in 2016. 

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

JACK RYAN VS JACK REACHER

HOLLYWOOD – You want to watch a movie with Jack in the title but do you choose Jack Reacher or Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit. Here’s our handy FREE cut out and keep 5 FACT guide.

1. In the CIA or out of the CIA? Jack Ryan is in the CIA, I think and Jack Reacher is out of the CIA, an ex-Military Policeman or something. Ryan is played by Tom Cruise, the Scientologist, whereas Reacher is played by Captain Kirk, or the other way round.

2. Motorcycle or car? Jack Reacher drives a car fast as a way of not being boring. Jack Ryan drives a motorcycle fast, proving also that he’s not boring either. Jack Ryan however has more to prove as he is also an information analyst, someone who can download information to a USB stick quickly and is attracted to Keira Knightley. During the making of neither film did the director shout ‘Action!’ Oh, incidentally, Jack Ryan is so boring that Kevin Costner’s appearance actually ADDS excitement!

3. Herzog or Branagh? Dodgy accents ahoy! But only one of them is also an actual accent. Jack Reacher’s Werner Herzog is zee villain of choice. In Jack Ryan, or Reacher, Kenneth Branagh looks bored, as if he is regretting not doing Thor 2.

4. And the villains want to destroy the world? More dodgy real estate (Jack Reacher) or market fiddling (Jack Ryan). Of course both of these ends require snipers (Jack Reacher) or terrorist attacks (Jack Ryan) but none of it makes much sense and it’s probably best you don’t actually think about it too much, because the thinking thing with the ideas stuff gets in the way of the technical stuff.

5. Based on books? Jack Reacher is a character from a series of books by Lee Child, a British author (real name Jim Grant) who supports Aston Villa football club. Anyone who knows Aston Villa football club will understand the excitement of Jack Reacher. Jack Ryan is the creation of the late Tom Clancy, who is to literature what wet paint is to dry paint.

 For more FACTS click HERE.

5 HISTORICAL INACCURACIES IN THE IMITATION GAME

HOLLYWOOD – In our review of The Imitation Game we already pointed out some of the worst historical inaccuracies in the Oscar nominated film, but here for the joy of pedants are 5 more.

1. The machine that Alan Turing invents was not called Christopher, but the Bombe. This name stood for Bloody Outstanding Maths Based Egg-wonk.

2. Admiral Dennison played by Charles Dance is seen throughout the film as an antagonist to the Maths genius, trying to obstruct Turing’s work whereas in fact he was an avuncular figure full of warmth and encouragement, as this letter from Turing proves: ‘Dear old Denners surprised everyone with a box of chocolates each, Monday last, Wednesday it was a tea-cosy he’d knitted himself and on the weekend everyone was invited round to the  big house for hot soapy limb rubs. Talk about above and beyond the call of duty!’

3. Alan Turing is seen in the film running, whereas running was actually invented in 1972, long after the events that the film portrays.

4. The character played by Keira Knightley – Joan Clarke – actually had a very deep voice and was plagued her whole life by a noisy asthmatic breathing condition. Following the war, she never saw Turing again and instead pursued a career as a voice artist and in 1976 provided the much loved voice for Darth Vader in George Lucas’ ‘Star Wars’ film.

5. There is much controversy behind the flat statement that Alan Turing committed suicide which ends the film. Some believe that this was indeed the case, but there are other theories that the poisoning might have been accidental and resulted from fumes rather than the ingestion of a cyanide laced apple. Others believe that Turing might have been murdered by the British Secret Service after he threatened to reveal that Elisabeth II was actually a robot he had invented and built during the war called E.T.H.E.L.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE! 

THE IMITATION GAME: REVIEW

THE IMITATION GAME: REVIEW – Maths boffin Alan Turing (Benedict Cumberbatch) invents the computer, wins World War Two and escapes marriage with Keira Knightley.

The problem with posthumous fame is you’re f*cking dead. Turing was a genius, a genuine innovator and thinker whose ability to solve problems was instrumental in cracking the Enigma code and bringing the war to an early close, saving millions of lives. It is difficult to overstate his achievements, especially in a society which chooses to deify a marketing wonk like Steve Jobs. Of course, he didn’t expect a medal, such is the nature of espionage and he knew the territory. The secrecy continued because MI6 carefully captured as many Enigma machines as it could following the war and doled them out to allies who – unaware that the code had been broken – used them for sensitive communications to the delight of MI6. Turing’s lack of fame was turned to infamy when he was charged with gross indecency – homosexuality – (BTW can we appropriate ‘gross indecency’; I like the ring of it) and offered the choice of two years in jail or chemical castration. His death soon after was shrouded in some suspicion – was he bumped off, or was it suicide? One way or another there has been a lingering sense of injustice, that a man who gave so much to his country was let down by that same country.

No Google doodle can redress such wrong, nor even the royal pardon he received from Queen Elizabeth II (and doesn’t a pardon still recognize the legitimacy of the unjust law?), but what about a Benedict Cumberbatch movie?

Well, first of this is a handsomely made, well acted and entertaining drama in on-going series to show how Great Britain won the war, overcoming speech impediments, social embarrassment and floppy hair along the way. It’s like The King’s Speech with hard sums. Cumberbatch is proving himself the genuine article, a fine character actor and Keira Knightley as Joan Clarke, as a colleague and confidant, is not annoying! Matthew Goode as the more socially able boffin Hugh Alexander. It’s a pity that Charles Dance’s Admiral Dennison becomes the villain, considering he also was responsible for facilitating the success of the code-breakers and the antagonism is an invention of the filmmakers. More seriously, an invented subplot featuring Soviet mole John Cairncross is poorly thought out. Cairncross never worked with Turing and the suggestion that Turing knew of his activity both does a gross disservice to Turing (making him in effect party to treachery) and enforcing the prejudice that homosexuals are open to just such blackmail and therefore shouldn’t be employed in the service of the country.

These objections are not trivial, especially for a man who was so maligned and shabbily treated. However, that said,

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

EMMA WATSON: OF COURSE I’M GOING TO STAR IN 50 SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD – Earlier today, Emma Watson created mild surprise in Hollywood today with a 180 degree turn as she announced she was fully on board to star as Anastasia Steele in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie.

She tweeted:

Apparently drunk, she continued in this vane for some hours, but many of the tweets were later deleted.  Speculation has been rife about the casting of the E.L. James masterpiece with many tipping Ms. Watson or Keira Knightley for the role. Competition between the two actresses to play the young student turned business man’s sex toy, they had a bikini fight in a paddling pool filled with jelly, although that might have been a dream.

DANGEROUS METHOD 2: SOMETIMES A CIGAR IS A COCK



MONTREAL – Ever since David Cronenberg’s psycho-analytic comedy A Dangerous Method burst onto the screen to the joy and jubilation of cinema-goers the world over, the question has not been will there be a sequel, but when will there be a sequel? The answer came today: March 14th 2013.

‘The idea for the first film had really been inspired by the Carry On comedies of Great Britain,’ the Canadian Cosmopolis spluttered. ‘We were all getting a bit bored with the script and then Keira said to Michael “why don’t you give me a jolly good spanking?” and he did and I shouted, “Cut! Print it” and we were off!’

Carl and Sigmund are back in the saddle for another romp. This time the psychiatric prats go on holiday to Torremolinos in Spain to take a rest from all their analyzing only to find that they’ve booked into a hotel that is hosting the Annual European Nymphomaniac Conference. High jinks ensue and Michael Fassbender has revealed that there will be more spanking. 
Viggo Mortensen (who has recently become the King of New Zealand CLICK HERE) said, ‘It’s a right old lump of stupids. But it’s fun and for the intellectuals in the audience, there’ll be tits galore!’

A Dangerous Method 2: Sometimes a Cigar is Just a Cock is due for release March 14th, 2013.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY WILL CLOSE MOUTH NEXT YEAR

 LONDON Keira Knightley revealed yesterday that she suffers from Twinnings Disease, a rare condition in which the sufferer cannot close his or her mouth completely.

It is a condition she has had since childhood. The Pirates of the Caribbean star spoke of her pain to Studio Exec: ‘I always look like I’m blowing on tea to cool it,’ the Domino whined, before adding with a girlish laugh, ‘or porridge or broth.’

Ms. Knightley has been trying to close her mouth for some time and indeed it was her effort to do so that led to the bizarre jaw jutting performance of A Dangerous Method, during the filming of which Michael Fassbender almost lost an eye.

‘The problem is people look at Keira and they think they see a girl who has everything,’ comments Keira Knightley Fan Club president Markie DeSad. ‘But what she wouldn’t give just to have her lips meet all the way round.’

However, hope is on the way. A new radical technique in cosmetic surgery known simply as the Clamp will perhaps be the answer to the Bend it Like Beckham starlet’s nightmare. A charity concert of under-acting is to be organised by fellow Thespians Orlando Bloom, Jude Law and Kate Winslett, and tickets are to be sold or given away at the last minute to avoid embarrassment. The concert will, the organisers say, raise awareness of Twinnings Disease, ‘and anyway Tuesdays are usually slow.’

Ms. Knightley is due to undergo the procedure early next year which alas was too late for her  performance in The Imitation Game.