THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS EXPLAINED

HOLLYWOOD – Have you recently watched The Matrix Resurrections and was left thinking what the f**k was that all about? Never fear, The Studio Exec is here to guide you through the plot and events of the latest instalment in this binary baffling blockbuster franchise. So sit back, relax and take your red pill while we explain The Matrix Resurrections.

The Matrix Resurrections Explained

Ok, right. Where do we start? Neo isn’t dead and he’s back in The Matrix, only this time he’s the creator of The Matrix. No, wait, that’s not right. Let’s go back to the start. There’s a replay of the opening scenes from the original Matrix movie. But it’s not Trinity, well it kind of is but isn’t. And Agent Smith isn’t Agent Smith, but he kind of is. And then Morpheus isn’t Morpheus, but he kind of is… but isn’t. And they don’t need landlines anymore to get out, but do they? Are you following this so far? It’s really quite simple.

Woah Dude!

So Neo isn’t Neo anymore, he’s back to being Mr Anderson, but this time, there’s been a massive reboot deal kind of thing and now he wrote the original Matrix along with some really lazily written ‘gamer types’ because that’s not who this film is for anymore.

My Blue Pill Heaven

The Matrix is now for people in their 40s and 50s. They fill the massive child-shaped gap in their lives with ‘articles of truth’ that can only be found on Facebook and shitty parts of Twitter. They’ll happily explain to you how we’re all controlled by the ‘liberal mass media’. And The Matrix is a metaphor for this. They’ll usually be found at your cousin’s party (a friend of a friend, but nobody ever admits to directly being their friend) in the kitchen, opening everyone’s eyes and ignoring the knowing glances being exchanged by anyone who can hear the bullshit coming from them. But back to The Matrix Resurrections.

Café Neo

There’s a great deal of coffee drunk, longing stares and backwards looks while we all wait for the McGuffin to kick in and we can start watching them hammer the shit out of everything. Thankfully, there’s no 20 minute dance sequences in this one and this is more meta than an Interdimensional Cable episode of Rick and Morty. But beware, there’s no Ball Fondlers.

Fight Or Flight?

But then there’s a thing they have to fight for, and so begins all the Kapow! Thwap! Bang! Brum-bruuuum! And somehow there’s suicide bombers and lots of bullet time with Neo endlessly holding back bullets. The ending plays like a cross between the endings of Thelma and Louise and The Blues Brothers. And then that’s it. We wait for the numbers to kick in, to see if it’s worth making another or just flog it to death on next-gen consuls. Oh, I nearly forgot, who the f**k did that Rage Against The Machine cover at the end? If ever there was a reason to take the blue pill, that was it.

The Matrix Resurrections Is Currently In Cinemas

THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS PLOT LEAKS

MOVIE NEWS – With the release of the first trailer for Lana Wachowski’s 4th Matrix film comes the inevitable, as The Matrix Resurrections plot leaks online. Hackers have gained access to Warner Bros final shooting script and the details are staggering. The Matrix Resurrections plot leaks will turn not only your rabbit, but also your shit white.

The Matrix Resurrections Plot Leaks Feel Weirdly Familiar

The Exec has read the script. And even after reading it, this is all we could figure out. We join Neo in a new reality where he is now known as John Wick. For years he has been an international super assassin with a soft spot for dogs. But now he’s in retirement… and therapy with Dr. Doogie Howser. Mirrors are now portals our hero can walk through. So there’s that.

Oh Jeez, Don’t Even Trip Dawg

Talking of portals, a strange Doctor with a weird child sidekick arrives through a green portal, claiming to be the smartest being in the Universe, but he disappears halfway through for an annoying mid-season break. So we’re back with Neo-sorry- John Wick (it’s confusing when they have the same hair). And he bumps into Trinity, although she isn’t and doesn’t recognize him. And he isn’t, and doesn’t either. So that’s all clear.

Crash, Bang, Zoom

And then shit starts exploding and there’s punching and kicking in bullet time. And The Matrix is now the hotel for assassins run by Lovejoy from Deadwood. There’s a really important Macguffin in one of the rooms. It’s really mysterious and wrapped up in pseudo-eastern philosophy. It’s like Sun Tzu rewriting Cloud Atlas filtered through Ayn Rand. This stuff is so convoluted, they had to get that friggin’ douche, The Architect back just to explain this stuff to justify blowing up a helicopter. We don’t care, just blow the fucking helicopter up. But don’t panic. Neo still says ‘Woah’ at least once every reel. And he still knows Kung Fu.

The Matrix Resurrections Is Released In December, And We Can’t Wait

SCRIPT LEAK: THE MATRIX REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – We received a script leak that purports to be an early draft of The Matrix Reboot.

The Matrix reboot is taking place, whether we want it or not. The Studio Exec has received an early draft of the script. We decided to publish and Warner Bros. be damned. Here it is:

MORPHEUS and NEO sit in a dark green room. Morpheus opens his hands to reveal that in each palm there rests a pill. One is red and one is blue. Speaking very slowly Morpheus explains.

MORPHEUS

This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

NEO (confused)

Well, I…

MORPHEUS

Remember: all I’m offering is the truth. Nothing more.

Neo takes the blue pill. 

THE END.

Copyright 2017 Warner Bros.

For more Script Leaks, Click Here. 

JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2 NOT BASED ON A BOOK

HOLLYWOOD – John Wick: Chapter 2 is not based on a big book.

Despite the word ‘chapter’ in the title, John Wick: Chapter 2 does not derive from a literary source. Chad Stahelski admitted that the first film was an original idea and the sequel will be a new story even though it claims to be Chapter 2.

We’re using Chapter 2 because first of all we thought  just 2 was boring and part 2 would suggest the first one was incomplete, which it wasn’t. So we used chapter instead. But we didn’t base it on some big book written by Tolstoy or something.

Seriously? That’s confusing.

I know. I’m sorry. We don’t actually read books.

Is there a dog?

I can’t say.

Jesus.

Keanu Reeves shoots lots of people in the face.

Oh okay. Now I’m happy.

Good.

John Wick: Chapter 2 will be released in 2017.

 

KNOCK KNOCK – REVIEW

KNOCK KNOCK – REVIEW  – Mr. Anderson is punished for being a middle aged hipster by a pair of prankster girls.

Keanu Reeves plays Evan, a successful architect who has it all: two perfect children, a beautiful Spanish wife, who is a successful artist and a gorgeous house in the suburbs. Wife and kids are off to the beach for the weekend, leaving daddy home alone to finish a work project, smoke some weed and listen to his old vinyl records. In the classic Horror movie  nocturnal rain there is the eponymous knock knock on the door, but instead of the monster two nubile dripping babes are there asking where the party is. They have got lost and the chivalrous Evan invites them in. Genesis (Lorenza Izzo) and Bel (Ana De Armas) are party girls, air hostesses and up for anything, it is quickly revealed. Bel tells Evan she needs to get used to threesomes for when she gets married. When Evan professes shock ‘that’s a statement!’, Genesis scolds him ‘We’re animals that are more animals than animals.’

The flirting, the flattery, the seduction chip away at Evan’s resolve as the family portraits stare down at him in reproof, but when he finally succumbs he wakes up the next day with more than the usual slice of regret. Bel and Genesis are apparently not going anywhere and they want to punish Evan for his rich white male entitlement, toying with him as two cats might play with an angst ridden mouse.

A remake of the 1977 B-movie shocker “Death Game” starring Sondra Locke and Colleen Camp, Knock Knock is more restrained than its B-movie origins or Mr. Roth’s previous CV would suggest. The early scenes of family bliss ‘Chocolate cake with sprinkles, my favorite!’ are pleasantly credible and the introduction of the girls and their mischievous wooing of Evan is excellently played. There are some nice generic sidesteps as well. It’s good to see a family pet – cute dog called Monkey – NOT getting killed and one possible twist is dispensed with as Genesis writes on a mirror and later wears a t-shirt with the message ‘This is not a dream’.

How far the black humor works as satire depends on how culpable you feel Evan actually to be. Is there any truth to the girls’ repeated claims that he is a predator, pedophile etc? Is he being punished simply for his adultery (in which case this is the reactionary dressed as the rebellious) or for his Hipster privilege – ‘I love the sound of vinyl’? This is basically a Funny Games, but, you know, for kids.

Keanu makes a convincing victim – all the more so because of his action movie credentials and Izzo and Da Armas are by turns savagely sexy and spitefully bonkers. Roth’s splatter and gore is replaced by a more insidious jitteriness about our social media profiles, the new transparency of the glass houses in which we live, making us vulnerable to those who wish to heave bricks about.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

AGENT SMITH WILL BE IN JOHN WICK 2

HOLLYWOOD –  John Wick 2 will see Keanu Reeves reunited with his oldest foe – Agent Smith.

The internet exploded today when the news came in that Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) will be coming up against John Wick in the sequel to the surprise action hit film of last year: John Wick 2. Although little is known of the new film, stunt men turned directing team Chad Stahelski and David Leitch popped around to the Studio Exec Bungalow to shoot the breeze, and the waiters, the dog, the glassware, the curtains and an exploding car: which they walked away from without looking back.

We loved directing Keanu in the old movie and we are absolutely hyped about the new one. But we felt that it needed an extra push to make it better and we’re both great admirers of the cinema of Paul Thomas Anderson and particularly what he did with the Predator and Alien franchise in Predator V Alien. And so we thought how can we cross over John Wick with something else Keanu has done. Originally we worked on a script called John Wick’s Bogus Journey, but it didn’t quite match the tone and then we thought, what if John Wick was actually taking place in another version of the Matrix before Neo was Neo? When he was John Wick? You see?

I get it.

Wick gets the job of killing Agent Smith, but of course that isn’t going to be easy. This will heighten the tension quite a bit. And we already have a scene where Smith says ‘Mr. Anderson’ and Keanu goes, ‘Err, no, John Wick, dude.’ And then blows his ass away. Oops Spoiler.

John Wick V Agent Smith will be released in 2017.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT POINT BREAK

HOLLYWOOD – The first trailer for the Point Break remake caused waves today, then surfed those waves with CGI like style, but what do we actually know about Point Break?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad, wearing masks of former presidents, to heist the shit out of the Point Break FACT vault and this is our haul:

1. The original Point Break came out in 1991, was directed by Kathryn Bigelow and starred Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves and was made famous by the line ‘Nobody puts baby in the corner’, when Patrick Swayze finally gets Keanu to dance in front of his uptight parents.

2. Keanu Reeves plays Johnny Utah, but revealed in a recent interview that he has never been to Utah.

3. The script of Point Break was written by the Wachowski siblings. They later revealed that the whole film was actually a prequel to the Matrix and if you look carefully you can see several glitches which reveal the Matrix at work. The line ‘Not too bright’ apparently came from an episode that happened to Patrick Swayze while making the film, when he tried to eat a jar of gherkins with his hands tied behind his back.

4. Patrick Swayze almost died while making the film and this gave him the idea of writing and directing Ghost, in which he starred with Bruce Willis.

5. The events the film depicted were based on a true story that Gary Busey experienced while on mescaline.

For more FACTS click HERE.

BANJO REVIEW: THE DEVIL’S ADVOCATE

The world’s premier primate movie critic, Banjo classic review of The Devil’s Advocate.
Weird Al Pacino play blind man who want to spend time rubbing his jumbo on ladies. He always getting in trouble for rubbing his jumbo so he get his son called Constantine to be a lawyer and get him out of troubles. Constantine have mental problems and see dead people.  Gabriel Byrne plays Kaiser Soze which he play in Arnold muscle-man film called At The End of the Days but he play it again in this film and he hire Constantine to go and find a ‘Pelican’s Briefcase'(?) Constantine’s sister played by Charlie Theremin has a Pelican’s Briefcase and when he go to her house to find it he has hump hump with her and Weird Al Pacino watches them and does a dance even though he is supposed to be a blind man. They all have a hump hump and then Kaiser Soze is in bed too and he is Constantine’s brother too and Weird Al is laughing and laughing and then he get a gun and shoot them all. 
 
At the end Weird Al look right at the camera and a voice ask him, ‘what your act called?’ And he say ‘The Advocates’ and he wink.
 
Banjo pretty sure this film a piece of shit.

KEANU REEVES IS AGEING BACKWARDS

HOLLYWOOD Keanu Reeves gave an emotional press conference this morning and finally put to rest rumours that he is suffering from a rare condition known as Benjamin Button Syndrome.

“I reached 45 and Doctors told me that was as far as I can go” said a tearful Reeves. 

From now on every year that passes I’ll become younger and younger until I eventually pop out of existence. Now some might think my inability to age is a good thing but for an actor, it’s crippling. I walk into an audition for the older man roles and the director laughs at me so I end up doing these ridiculous Kung-Fu movies. I’m never going to play the grizzled cowboy or the wise old Mafia boss and I’m immensely saddened by that.

Asked if he could do anything to cure the condition Reeves claimed he has tried everything.

When I first found out I went on a three year drugs and alcohol binge. I started smoking a hundred cigarettes a day, eating deep fried pizzas and sleeping on a tanning bed . Anything to try and make me look older but it has no effect. I didn’t age a day in fact the more I destroyed my body the better I felt.

 Rather than wallow in self pity Reeves said he has decided to accept his fate and has planned accordingly.

Well there’s Bill and Ted 3 but after that I’ll be playing Tom Cruise’s son in Mission Impossible 5. and Chloe Moretz’s boyfriend in a remake of Heathers. From then on I think I’ll take a break. Puberty was bad enough the first time but to go through it in reverse is bound to be heartbreaking.

Keanu will star in 47 Ronin due for release in December 2013.