LAST JEDI WILL BE THE LAST STAR WARS MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Disney announced today that Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi will be the last Star Wars movie.

The Last Jedi is to close the Star Wars saga, it was revealed today. All the other proposed Star Wars movies have been canceled.

Kathleen Kennedy, the producer in charge of the franchise, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the decision:

We just decided we were bored of doing them. At first we were all very excited but then after a while it was like Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars! Jeez enough already. I mean we’re a bunch of grown ups in a room talking about if Ziphius Fey is going to have to go to Booglyon 8 to get the weeBa Krystals.

Wow! They go to Booglyon 8!  

And then it wouldn’t be so bad, but we’re talking about a film every year. Maybe even more.

But what about the films that are already in production, or have even completed post-production like the Han Solo stand alone?

The Han Solo movie is a mess. Half of it is Lego and the rest of it is Far and Away. Tom Cruise turns up speaking in an Oirish accent – ‘What are all ye leetle fellows doin’, made of bricks an all?’ – It’s an embarrassment.

So that’s it. No more Star Wars. 

Yep. It was fun. But this way think of the next original idea that will come along and finally have some space to breathe.

Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi will be released in December.

 

RON HOWARD CALLED IN TO DIRECT THE LAST JEDI

HOLLYWOOD – Ron Howard replaces Rian Johnson on Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi.

Han Solo director Ron Howard has taken over from Rian Johnson as the director of the eighth instalment of the Star Wars series, The Last Jedi. The decision came down late last night and hit the internets early this morning. Howard spoke to the Studio Exec immediately:

I was talking with Kathleen about the process and how Rian was doing. They were really happy and everything seemed honky tonky, but I could tell they were nervous. So I said why don’t I take over. They tried to hide their delight. They told me the film was practically finished and there was just the soundtrack and the titles to add, but I knew what they meant. So late last night I snuck into the editing booth and changed the card to ‘Directed by Ron Howard’. I know they’ll be over the moon.

Howard already took over from Chris Miller and Philip Lord – the Lego Movie and Jump Street 22 directors – to complete the Han Solo project. He is also talking about taking over Blade Runner 2049 as well as releasing a Director’s Cut of Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk.

‘I’m going to change the music and add my name at the end,’ he told the Exec. ‘I didn’t realize that it could be so easy. But now I don’t know if I’ll ever bother to do a whole film again.’

Rian Johnson, however, insists that he’s still the film’s director.

We did find Howard’s name at the end of a rough cut and he occasionally sneaked onto the set and shouted ‘Action!’ or ‘Cut!’ I thought it was just a joke.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi will be released in December, 2017

HAN SOLO EMAILS LEAKED ON-LINE

HOLLYWOOD – A slew of emails from the troubled production of stand alone Star Wars film Han Solo have appeared on the internet.

Emails between Lawrence Kasdan and Kathleen Kennedy and Phil Lord and Chris Miller have leaked online. Here are some selected moments of what proved to be a troubled production.

Hi Fellas!

How is everything going with the shoot? 

……………………………………………………..

Hi Kathleen, Hi Lawrence,

Everything is AWESOME.

……………………………………………………..

Hi Boys!

Just some notes on the rushes from the shoot so far. Me and Lawrence got to see them and we want to say on the whole it looks like you’re doing a great job. We do have one or two concerns. I’ve listed them below. 

First off: Do we need the songs? I’m asking myself. 

Secondly: Alden Ehrenreich’s performance is a bit LEGO-y. Is that a fake head?

Then: Having Lando and Han take a psychotropic drug during which Lando gets the idea for Cloud City isn’t consistent with how that happens in the canon. 

Finally: Can we also not have Chewbacca be quite so stoned quite so often? 

……………………………………………………..

Hi Kathleen, Hi Lawrence,

Everything is great (when you’re part of a team)

……………………………………………………..

Yeah about that. We’re thinking that Alden might need some help with his performance. Tell him not to worry about it. We just want someone onset who will contradict everything you tell him.

……………………………………………………..

Hi Kathleen, HI Lawrence,

We’re getting vibes from you guys that the weather isn’t exactly peachy. It feels Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, if we’re to be honest!

……………………………………………………..

Yeah, Fellas!

Enough of the referencing your films in ever single email. You remember when we said we wanted your individual vision and how important it was to us to hear your voices in the movie? Remember how we said we wanted to give you total creative freedom? Well, that was all bullshit. Turns out what we really want you to do is stick to the script and quit with the postmodernism. As in pronto!

Han Solo will be released in 2018.

RON HOWARD PROMISES TO DE-LEGO HAN SOLO

HOLLYWOOD – Happy Days actor and Rush director Ron Howard has promised that his Han Solo won’t feature Lego.

Ron Howard has been called in to replace Philip Lord and Chris Miller and has promised that he will reverse the Lego-like direction the new Star Wars film was going in. Kathleen Kennedy spoke to the Studio Exec:

The thing we all love about Ron is that there’s no Lego in any of his movies. Far and Away: no Lego. Rush: No Lego. Cinderella Man: no Lego. Apollo 13: no Lego. I could go on.

Please don’t.

Splash and A Beautiful Mind and The DaVinci Code: No L… wait I think there might have been some Lego in The DaVinci Code. But that was very much the anomaly.

Apart from the no Lego thing what does Ron bring to the table for Star Wars?

Well, he’s available. He has no discernible style to get in the way of the franchise. We’re kind of sick of all this ‘respect my vision’ bullshit. This is a Han Solo movie. The vision is: do you want to see a Han Solo movie? Yes. Okay open your eyes. There it is. What do you mean where’s the Lego? Get out of my house.

Han Solo will be released in 2018.

 

HAN SOLO NEWS: CHRIS MILLER AND PHIL LORD WANTED TO GO ‘FULL LEGO’

HOLLYWOOD –   fire Chris Miller and Phil Lord from the stand alone Star Wars movie Han Solo because ‘they wanted to go full lego’.

The Studio Exec received the shocking news that comedy directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller have been fired from the Han Solo movie only weeks before filming wraps. According to sources close to the production the firing came after tensions between Kathleen Kennedy and Lawrence Kasdan built up with the Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs duo. An insider told the Studio Exec:

At first everyone was on board with the direction that Phil and Chris were proposing. Kathleen hired them for their off the wall humor and their irreverence. But there was one major stumbling block that was never fully dealt with and that was what finally did for them. They wanted to do the whole film with lego.

You mean like an animated movie?

No, they were filming live action scenes. We went to Italy to film in the Dolomites. All over the place. But when the actors came on set they found these Lego versions of themselves. Chris told them to just voice the characters while Phil and Chris moved the Lego around.

Wow.

I know. At first we assumed they were doing pre-viz. You know that’s the thing now. But when the cast complained then Phil told wardrobe to basically make these huge Lego costumes. The guys run a fun set so we assumed it was a practical joke. But it went on all day and then the next. Kathleen was just fuming. She kept talking to Ron Howard all the time and she always had him on speaker phone so the guys and the crew could hear. She’d say things like ‘I could drop a rock on their heads while they’re sleeping’ and ‘twenty dollars buys me a guy called Luciano and no questions asked’. They began to get scared but they were unerring in their artistic vision. I’ll give them that.

The film stars Alden Ehrenreich in the role of the space smuggler, made famous by Harrison Ford. Donald Glover plays Lando Calrissian.

Han Solo will be released in 2018.

STAR WARS EPISODE 8: TITLE REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – Rian Johnson’s Star Wars Episode 8 has a title the Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens has only just opened internationally but already Kathleen Kennedy is prepping Star Wars: Episode 8 and she popped into the Studio Exec Falcon to speak about the new installment.

You are already working on Episode 8, is that right?

Absolutely. This is going to be a crazy year. Genuinely non-stop. My husband was producing Jurassic World and I was doing The Force Awakens but at the same time we’re getting ready to start with Episode 8 in January of 2016.

Unbelievable. And you already have the story?

Yes. The story has already been worked out. In fact we’ve got the story right up until Episode 9 worked out. Not the details and the scripts are not locked but we know where we’re going and most of the beats.

Tell us more.

No can do Exec. You know many people haven’t seen Episode 7, so if I told you anything about Episode 8 that would give away spoilers and I don’t want to do that.

You must be able to give us something.

Well, I suppose I could tell you the title we’re working on at the moment.

Great.

The idea is that the next Episode will continue directly on from Episode 7 and so we had the idea that the title should reflect that continuity.

And so…

Star Wars: Episode 8: The Force Has Breakfast.

The Force has Breakfast?

Yeah. You see we thought, if I was the force what would I do one I woke up. Rian said ‘I always have breakfast straight after I’ve woken up’. And so we went with that.

Right.

Of course it wasn’t the only option. But it was the best.

What were the alternatives?

Apparently Lawrence Kasdan has a sh*t as soon as he wakes up. And J.J. Abrams flosses. But they just didn’t scan.

Star Wars: Episode 8: The Force Has Breakfast will be released in 2017.

TERRENCE MALICK CONFIRMS STAR WARS ANTHOLOGY ‘JABBA’

HOLLYWOOD – Cult director Terrence Malick has confirmed that he will be directing a Star Wars Anthology movie, entitled simply: Jabba.

The reclusive director of The Tree of Life and To the Wonder, Terrence Malick will direct a new Star Wars spin off movie based on the early life of Jabba the Hutt entitled simply Jabba. Very little is known of the movie, but the Studio Exec was able to talk to the notoriously shy director.

This is what he said:

I’ve always been fascinated by the desert. One of my favorite films is Lawrence of Arabia, so when Kathleen [Kennedy] telephoned and said they were wondering if I’d be interested in doing anything in the Star Wars universe, I said straight away yes, but it would have to be set on Tattooine and the character I would be most interested in would be Jabba the Hutt.

Why Jabba the Hutt?

I’ve always been interested in the way a soul that is so capable of joy and glory, becomes also capable strangely of destruction and wickedness. Watching Return of the Jedi, I always thought that Jabba was capable of appreciating beauty, but at the same time his own ugliness made him destroy that beauty. His tragedy was that he could appreciate the lithe beauty of the dancing girl and slave Leia, but he could never truly reach them. His was forever a yearning without any real chance of contact. And that was the root of his violence.

I see. 

I think it was Schopenhauer who said that life is divided between desire and boredom and in a nutshell that is Jabba’s dilemma. But in the new film we’ll see a young Jabba, a young creature with a dominant strict and somewhat distant father, and a beautiful dancing girl mother who represents grace and nature. It will be her early death in the maw of the Rancor that will scar the young Jabba forever and force him into believing that the toothed vagina of the Sarlacc Pit is the reality of love.

How will the film be stylistically?

Emmanuel Lubezki is very enthusiastic to be on board, so might beautiful photography. The Magic Hour will look gorgeous with the sand. You think of the best part of Episode IV, it was Luke gazing at the two setting suns. So we have more magic hour! We’ll have lots of voice-over. And Rachel Weisz will get cut out of the final movie again.

Who is going to play Jabba?

I know you want me to say Jonah Hill or Kevin James, just for the easy laugh. Am I right?

Okay, who will it be?

Jonah Hill. Definitely.

Jabba will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN’S FORCE AWAKENS ROLE REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars: The Force Awakens news is coming thick and fast, but perhaps the most surprising this week is the revelation that Hayden Christensen has a role in the new films.

The news came when a series of stills were released by J.J. Abrams to Entertainment Weekly, several of which clearly shows Hayden Christensen apparently acting in scenes.

hayden christensen

Veteran Star Wars watcher BanthaBotherer#22 spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

The presence of Hayden Christensen comes as a real shock. With George Lucas out of the picture, the sense was Kathleen Kennedy and J.J. Abrams wanted to put as much distance between themselves and the prequels as possible. From a plot point of view it doesn’t make sense, as we know that the new film takes e decades after the events of Return of the Jedi. Hayden Christensen’s character Anakin Skywalker is at this point long dead. So the only reasonable explanation is that this is Anakin Skywalker’s son. There is a reason that can’t make sense, but I don’t remember it now.

J.J. Abrams has offered a response to the many questions.

hayd4

Mr. Hayden Christensen will not appear in The Force Awakens. He was not officially cast and there is no character for him to play. I cannot possibly say if he sneaked onto the set in costume. But if someone were to do something like that then we obviously have the technology to digitally remove him. In fact of the 116 CGI shots that we have in the movie, 103 of them are removing Hayden Christensen and Ewan MacGregor.

hayd3

The Force Awakens will be released in two weeks time.

 

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

JASON REITMAN TO DIRECT MUMBLECORE STAR WARS PREQUEL

SAN FRANCISCO – Kathleen Kennedy announced today that Young Adult director Jason Reitman will direct a stand-alone Star Wars film entitled Star Wars: Going into Tosche Station, the first mumblecore Star Wars.

The Up in the Air and Juno director said that it had long been an ambition of his to make a Star Wars film, but one that was skewed towards his interest in character and dialogue. 

My idea was really simple. What happened the day before Luke Skywalker bought C3P0 and R2D2? I wanted to see Luke arguing with Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen, hanging out with Biggs and his friends, tooling about in their landspeeders, listing to the latest hit song by the cantina band and picking up gals. It’s like American Graffiti but on Tattoine.

 Kathleen Kennedy was quick to reassure nervous fans. 

There’s going to be the core Star Wars movies which will carry on the story that J.J. is developing, but Lucas Film are planning as many as three releases a year and so there will be room for these other versions and offshoots, and when I heard Jason talking about his idea, I thought yeah, I’d like to see that too.

Secrecy surrounds the search to find an actor to play the young Luke Skywalker, although some of the cast is already in place. Stellan Skarsgard will play Uncle Owen and Helen Mirren will play Aunt Beru.

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