CAMERON ANNOUNCES TITANIC 2, 3, 4 & 5

HOLLYWOOD – Avatar and Terminator director, James Cameron announces Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5 will all go into production shortly. The news that James Cameron announces Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5 means that he will be shooting movies for fifteen years. The Studio Exec caught up with the director on the set of his latest film, Avatar 4: Ably Obtaining The Unobtainable Unobtanium.

Where Did You Get The Idea For Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5?

As you know, I’m not one for chasing money. Usually I abhor such lavish productions. But I was floating in my gigantic flooded underwater sound studio one day and Boom! I had a little idea. People pay a lot of money to watch any old shit. So I put 2 and 2 billion together and came up with an idea for a Titanic sequel. Actually, a whole fucking series of them.

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Plot?

Of course I can. I’m KING OF THE WORLD! We join marine biologist, Sarah Connor as she travels to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. There she boards a submarine and joins an underwater oil drilling crew. Together, they will stumble across something that will shock everyone.

It’s Aliens, Isn’t It?

Yeah, but not nice watery ones. These ones come in big slimy eggs. Guess what happens then? Go on, guess. You’ll never get it.

If You Say Chestburster, James Cameron, So Help Me I’m Leaving.

No, I wasn’t going to say that at all. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Don’t Lie To The Exec, James. You’re Full Of Shit.

Honest! I wasn’t going to say that.

Ok Then. My Apologies. Please Continue.

These killer robots are sent back in time to kill Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet and Sarah Connor. And then-

 

This Interview Is Over.

Avatar: The Way Of Water Is Released This Coming December.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S NEXT MOVIE WILL BE ALL MEMES

HOLLYWOOD – For his next movie, Leonardo DiCaprio promises memes, memes and more memes.

As we sat down to talk about his next movie project, Leonardo DiCaprio had one thought on his mind: memes. He told me:

I used to get annoyed. I’d spend all my time getting into a role, learning the script, nailing the character. And once it was over, it would all just end up as a stupid gif or meme or whatever on the internet. At first I wasn’t even aware of it. I mean I have a twitter account and all that but I let someone else take care of it. All I do is tell them to put something up about the climate or oceans now and then.

So when did you find out?

Last year, I was bored and we were waiting for Brad to come out of the salon. He was getting a Brazilian I think. Not a model. I mean the crotch shave thing. So I start looking through twitter and what do you know. If I’m not raising a glass as Gatsby I’m raising it as Calvin Candie.  Or I’m the Wolf of Wall Street throwing money around or dancing or something. I thought that film was one of the best things I’d done and there I was reduced to a couple of seconds of silliness to help Deidre69 express her delight at going out on a Saturday night.

So from this to a movie?

Absolutely. If I can’t beat them, I’ve got to join them. The movie is going to be divided into 3000 20 second moments. Some might be a little longer, some a little shorter. Each one of which will express an emotion that you can easily share. Delight, surprise, smug agreement, the feeling you get while you watch your favorite dog drown and you want to save him but gee the water looks cold and you’re wearing suede.

That’s quite specific. 

That’s the beauty of it. They’re all really specific. And the good news is I’m teaming up with Kate Winslet so I can paint her like one of my French girls.

Meme The Motion Picture will be available in 2021.

KATE WINSLET ANNOUNCES NAME OF BABY

HOLLYWOOD – Kate Winslet announced today not only the fact that she was pregnant but that she has already decided on her name for the child to be. I Love will be Kate Winslet’s third child, but first with new husband Ned Rocknroll.

When asked about the meaning of the name Mr. Rocknroll proved coy.

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ he said, before going on apparently exasperated at having to explain. ‘Kate is a huge Joan
Jett fan. In fact I’m beginning to think the only reason she married me was for my name. Ha ha ha ha ha (sob).’

The Revolutionary Road and Titanic actress seemed oblivious to the weeping man on her arm, happily waving to reporters as she crossed the road singing a  song made famous by Guitar Hero.

 

SCRIPT LEAK:TITANIC 2



Ext: The Atlantic Ocean

THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS THE OCEAN AND COMES TO REST ON AN ICEBERG. IT THEN DIVES UNDERWATER UNTIL IT REACHES THE WRECK OF THE TITANIC. WHISPERS OF GHOSTS CAN BE HEARD AS WE SURVEY THE DECAYING REMNANTS OF THE SHIP AND ITS CONTENTS. WE MOVE TOWARDS AN OBJECT AND WE SEE IT IS THE SKELETON OF JACK. THE CAMERA PANS CLOSE TO HIS SKULL WHEN SUDDENLY, ITS MOUTH OPENS AND SCREAMS “ROSE!”

Int: Cabin on The Titanic II.

ROSE WAKES UP SCREAMING. IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

Ext: Titanic II

SHE GOES UP ON DECK IN HER DRESSING GOWN AND STARES WISTFULLY OUT TO SEA.

                 Rose
I miss you Jack. I’ve come to bring you home

ROSE TAKES THE ‘HEART OF THE OCEAN’ FROM AROUND HER NECK AND DROPS IT INTO THE SEA.

A WHIRLPOOL APPEARS AND THE TITANIC II ROCKS IN THE WATER. SUDDENLY A 100FT JACK DRESSED AS THE GOD POSEIDON EMERGES FROM THE WATER CARRYING THE TITANIC ON HIS SHOULDER.

                Rose 
             No Jack, No!

JACK THROWS THE TITANIC INTO THE DISTANCE AND IS ABOUT TO SCOOP UP THE TITANIC 2.

                Rose 
   Sorry Jack, but you leave me no choice!
   
ROSE DELVES INTO A BAG AND BRANDISHES THE HEAD OF MEDUSA. JACK SCREAMS IN AGONY AS HE IS TURNED TO STONE AND THEN CRUMBLES INTO THE SEA.                              



REMAKE WATCH: CASABLANCA SEQUEL

Finally, Warner Bros have announced that cameras are almost ready to roll on the long awaited Casablanca sequel provisionally entitled You Again! Hugh Jackman plays Rick Blaine and Kate Winslet takes on the role of Ilsa Lundt made famous by Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman and directed by Brett Ratner who has put on hold his long awaited remake of Kieslowski’s Three Colors Trilogy to concentrate on following up one of the most loved films of all time.
 Kate Winslet said that the idea first came about when she was shooting Movie 43 with her co-star Jackman:

Wolverine and I have been friends since the year dot. And when we were making Movie 43 one of the Farrelley brothers said the chemistry was great and we should think about taking on the great romantic roles of Ilsa and Rick. Straight away we thought it was a genius idea. Everyone agreed, laughing hysterically to show their enthusiasm. 

Ratner was keeping his cards close to his chest, but he said that the story picks up a few years after the events shown in the original film. Wiping mayonnaise of his chin, he said:

Rick is working in Europe as a contract killer, but when his last job goes wrong and he accidentally kills the pope he flees to the States where he unwittingly buys a zoo and guess who applies for a job in the lizard house? No seriously guess! Okay, I’ll tell you, Ilsa Lundt! So they have this zoo and its funny but Major Strasser’s brother played by Ralph Fiennes is a big game hunter and he relaxes by going around zoos killing the giraffes. I don’t want to say anymore because I might give something away. The important thing is – as you can tell – it is in the spirit of the original.

Filming has already begun.