DAVID SCHWIMMER ADMITS TO BEING THE ROBERT KARDASHIAN HOLOGRAM

HOLLYWOOD – David Schwimmer pleads for freedom after admitting to Robert Kardashian hologram role.

David Schwimmer announced today that he was the Robert Kardashian hologram. He told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Kanye West phoned me and asked me would I like to do a thing for Kim’s birthday. I said I’d love to expecting that we might be doing a Friends skit or something. I know Kim loves the show. But he wanted me to reprise my role as Robert Kardashian, which I had played to universal praise in the OJ Simpson movie. As soon as he said that I said no.

Why?

I don’t want to get typecast. Something I learned coming off of Friends. People will always see you as Ross if you don’t diversify and that’s what led me to do a whole slew of different roles.  Now people see my name and if someone mentions Friends, they’re like: oh yeah David was in Friends, I forgot.

david schwimmer robert kardashian hologram

So what happened next?

I was walking in the park and I fell over. A tranquiliser dart had hit me. They bundled me in a van and drove to a helipad. In an unknown location they shaved my body hair and scanned me from nut sack to toupe.  It was humiliating. Then they shoved me and a poor fitting suit and forced me to learn this script all about farting. It felt bizarre, but Kanye kept saying that when he’s President he’s gonna do this to me and that to me. He’s very intimidating in real life. Not the cuddly guy you see on TV.

And how did it end?

I did the most convincing performance of my career. Better even than Ross in Friends.

You were in Friends?

You see!?

David Schwimmer will be directing a musical version of The Serbian Film for Broadway in 2021.

THE WALTONS REMAKE GOES TO NETFLIX

HOLLYWOOD – Classic TV show The Waltons is to be revived for Netflix, it was announced today.

Following the news recent remakes of cult TV shows – The X-Files and the forthcoming Twin Peaks – it was no surprise that Walton Mountain is to be revisited with a new season to drop sometime next year on Netflix. The Waltons followed the adventures of the Walton family, a poor but honest brood of innumerable members who lived in the Virginia mountains during the Great Depression. With Ma and Pa, the grandparents and the seven children, the Waltons would have weekly episodes in which something deeply moral was learned. The eldest son John Boy Walton would grow up to be a novelist and he would narrate the opening and close of the show, often giving the moral and what was learned. ‘Goodnight, John Boy’ was the much loved sign off until in 1981, it was heard for the last time.

Netflix released a statement about the new show:

The time has come to revisit The Waltons and Netflix is proud to announce a reboot of the show. This hourly drama series will star Kanye West and Kim Kardashian as Ma and Pa Walton. Caitlyn Jenner will play Grandma and Aziz Anzari as John Boy Walton. With a new cast and writing team, The Waltons will be a loving recreation of the original set in the same period, but will also confront issues of gender identity and racial intolerance. Bryan Cranston as a KKK Grand Wizard looks set to be one of the most terrifying villains on TV.

The Waltons: A New Beginning will drop sometime in 2017.

FIRST IMAGE OF KANYE WEST IN ANGEL HEART 2

HOLLYWOOD – The first image of Alan Parker’s Angel Heart 2 starring Kanye West was released onto the internet today.

Although he hasn’t made a film for almost a decade, Alan Parker is filming a follow up to his 1987 supernatural thriller Angel Heart, provisionally entitled Angel Heart 2.

Alan Parker spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We left Angel Heart on a natural finish point. I felt there was a satisfying twist and I didn’t feel any need to revisit it. But Kanye West is a huge fan and we began to talk one evening after a gala screening of the Road to Wellville (and yes they do have them) and we got to talk about what happened to the baby.

What happened to the baby?

Yeah, Harry Angel’s kid. Of course, we know that Harry was either executed or serving a life sentence for murder but what happened to the devil child he spawned. That’s when Kanye said, ‘What if he grew up to be me?’angel6

And from small acorns…

Mickey Rourke is on board and Robert deNiro will do a cameo.

And the script?

It’s a collaboration between myself and Kanye. We’re using a lot of his own life, because it does kind of smell of sulfur.

Angel Heart 2 will be released in 2019.

KANYE WEST CAPTURED IN IKEA

SWEDEN – Kanye West, hip hop artist, fashionista and future presidential candidate, has been captured in IKEA in Almhult, Sweden.

The capture of Kanye West comes after a month long attempt by Scandinavian authorities to capture the hip hop star and keep him away from the general public. The Swedish Foreign Secretary said:

Here in Sweden we are usually extremely tolerant, but Kanye West is what you Americans call I believe a ‘blowhard’. And we have become increasingly irritated with him. It started all the way back at the VMAs when he interrupted Taylor Swift. We love Taylor Swift. And Beck. Poor Beck.

So you captured him in an IKEA?

Yes, the plan was simple. Unbeknownst to most people the original IKEAs were designed during the Second World War as a defence against the invading armies. They were basically labyrinths with furniture. It didn’t take much to retrofit an IKEA into an impassable maze and then lure Kanye with praise and money. He really doesn’t have much apparently.

And now?

Once inside the IKEA it is almost impossible to get him out. I mean we can’t go in to get him because we would get lost, so he will stay in there for the rest of his life.

You’re fucking kidding!?

No, we’re not. He will survive because of the meatballs and the salmon that we left for him on little paper plates. He will live to a ripe old age, but he will never get out and never be able to release a record ever again. Unfortunately, he will still be able to tweet.

Kanye West will be appearing in the IKEA in Almhult for the rest of his life.

KANYE WEST REACHES OUT TO THE STUDIO EXEC

HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West has tweeted what many are interpreting as a cry for help directly to the Studio Exec Twitter account.

It’s been a tough week for Kanye West. Begging Tweets to Mark Zuckerberg, there’s talk about Son of Pablo being a bit m’eh, and finally not interrupting Taylor Swift at the Grammys, which now looks like a bad move given her passive aggressive motivational speech. So of course the Studio Exec has had some fun on his behalf as well, spreading joy in the world and making everyone happy and full of life-affirming joy.

But now Kanye has sent a tweet specifically calling the Exec out and pleading with us to peace up. Now, the Exec might be one of the most acerbic, satiric, hilarious, popular, hugely endowed, creative, imaginative, sexually athletic… I’ve lost my point. Anyway, Kanye, you called, we answered. We will hold off the satiric dogs until you get your house in order. On top of that, we’re also sending you a Postal Order for $37. I hope this helps.  If you don’t need to use it straight away, you can put it in your war chest for your presidential election campaign. We have coupons as well.

Another tweet from his account referenced a story we did some time ago.

kanye west

 

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

 

MARK ZUCKERBERG FUNDS KANYE WEST’S NEW MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West has secured funding for a new movie that he has written and will direct from none other than Mark Zuckerberg who is also expected to appear int he rapper’s new film.

Everyone knows that Kanye West is an irritating asshole who occasionally release records. But what many don’t know is that he has scripted a remake of Fatal Attraction which he plans to make with money provided by Mark Zuckerberg and which will star the Facebook mogul and the hip hop genius in the roles which made Michael Douglas and Glenn Close household names.  Kanye West had issued a request via his twitter feed directly to the tech billionaire.kanye

 

Early Monday morning  Kanye West posted a statement to the world press which read:

Mark Zuckerberg has heard the call in the desert. He is a John the Baptist who has seen the dove flying above my head.  I told him I needed complete creative control. And he told me it is you who should ask me if I have complete creative control for you are truly the Son of God and possibly the next but one President of the United States of America. With this money I will remake an eighties thriller and I will be the stalker and Mark will be the unwitting victim and everyone will watch and say ‘This is sooooo Meta, it makes Zoolander 2 look like Zoolander one.’

The original Fatal Attraction was directed by Adrian Lyne in 1987 and made pots of money.

Kanye West’s Fatal Attraction will be released in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

KANYE WEST TO HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West is to take over from Chris Rock and host the 88th Academy Awards, AKA The Oscars on the 28th of February.

Kanye West announced that he would be replacing Chris Rock as the Oscars host last night. He told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that his decision to step in came as a response to the Oscars So White controversy.

There comes a time in a man’s life that he cannot just stand by on the other side of the street. When you see oppression, when you see a brother or sister beaten by the cops, when you see hunger and deprivation, when you see Taylor Swift pick up a VMA, you just gotta step in, or be less than what you think you are.

So the Academy hired you as a way of…

The Academy didn’t hire me. They wouldn’t hire someone like me. I’m a maverick, a visionary and potentially a Presidential candidate, but first I want to see how Donald does. Heh heh. Donald does? Sounds a bit like Donald Duck, don’t it?

And why did Chris Rock decide to step down? He looked like he was nailed on to host.

Will you get the story straight SE? Chris Rock hasn’t stepped down and likely won’t. I, Kanye West, father of the compass children, husband of the Kardashian who could, rapper of every album getting progressively crapper, am stepping up. I’m going to get on the stage of the Dolby and grab that microphone. Best Actress: Beyonce! Best Actor: Kanye West. Best Director: Spike Lee! Best Picture: Runaway.

Those aren’t the nominees.

Do I look like I give a God Damn? You don’t nominate Kanye, Kanye nominates you! Hashtag gonna be Oscars So Kanye!

The Academy Awards will be held at the Dolby Theater on 28th of February, 2016. Image by @SoundIsStyle.

DONALD TRUMP MAKES AMERICA GREAT AGAIN

NEW YORK – Donald Trump has already gone some way to fulfilling his promise to make America great again, having bought Gerry Beckley and Dewey Bunnell new guitars.

The front-runner for the Republican nomination and former reality star Donald Trump today announced that he had already begun to make 1970s rock group America great again, thus beginning to fulfill a central campaign promise. He came over to Exec Tower to tell us what was going on:

We’ve bought them new guitars. They’re beautiful guitars. I’ve talked to my good friend Billy Joel and he along with Huey Lewis and perhaps Cyndi Lauper if she’s not on the rag are all going to write some new songs for the boys. We want America out there performing new material. Not just rotting away on the nostalgia circuit churning out the old hits ‘A Horse with no Name’ and ‘Ventura Highway’.

But when you said you were going to make America great again, you were referring to the country?

What country? America’s a continent for a start so that doesn’t make sense. And it’s a continent that includes Mexico. You think it’s my job to make Mexico – the country where rape is a Saturday afternoon sport – better again? Is that what you’re saying?

I suppose not.

I was very clear. And Now people will see that even before I’m president I’m making changes. We’ve bought the boys new guitars, I have top stylists changing their look. They can do a single with Rihanna and Kanye West, if he’s not busy looking after his compass family. America will be great again and it will all be to my credit, because as well as being a businessman of intense and articulate intelligence, I am also a rock Svengali.

Donald Trump is due to be president in 2017.

KANYE WEST ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT

HOLLYWOOD – Following the birth of his new son Saint West, musician, genius and rapper, Kanye West has announced his retirement from music.

Kanye West has given up his music career because he wants to devote himself to being an asshole. ‘The music, writing and recording and touring, it was all taking too much time away from all my asshole-y stuff,’ he told a close friend.

The news came as something as a shock to the general public but those close to Kanye West say that the decision has been years in the making. An insider spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I don’t honestly think it has been a secret that Kanye has been drifting away from the music scene for some time. He has dabbled with the idea of entering politics, or perhaps funding some kind of tech start up company, or maybe even just being a full time dad, but music kept pulling him back.

In a statement released via his record label, Kanye announced:

After careful consideration and consultation with my family, my friends and my management team I have decided to retire from the music business effective immediately. I have loved music and still love it so much that it pains me but I have decided if I can’t give music the full 100% of my attention I shouldn’t really do it at all. And so I am retiring to devote myself 100% of the time to being an asshole. All my creative energy, all my time and all my energy will go into my endeavouring to be as big an asshole as it is possible to be. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. After all we’ve got Drake, Chris Brown and now Donald Trump to compete with, but I’m sure with my experience and track record and with the laser precision focus I bring, I can become the number one asshole of the USA, if not the world.

Kanye West is available.

THE KANYE WEST WING FIRST LOOK

HOLLYWOOD – No sooner had Kanye West at the MTV VMAs declared his candidacy for Commander in Chief, the President of the United States of America, than the poster for his new TV show The Kanye West Wing was released onto the internets.

Kanye West’s reboot of the NBC drama series The West Wing which ran from 1999-2006 and starred Martin Sheen as President Jed Bartlett is coming soon, retitled “The Kanye West Wing”.

The official NBC synopsis reads:

 

VMA Vanguard honoree Kanye West takes on the role of the First Black President Kanye West, who with his Chief of Staff Pharell Williams, tries to steer his top team of political advisors through numerous crises domestic and foreign. Secretary of State Miley Cyrus is good at her job, provocative and original, but her toxic relationship with Nikki Minaj (Secretary of Defence) and her jealousy of the first lady Kim Kardashian is proving too destabilizing. Can Kanye bring peace to the Middle East? Can Kanye cut the National Debt and cut unemployment? Yes he Kanye!

Initially Aaron Sorkin was hired to write the show, but Kanye and Sorkin fell out, with Kanye complaining:

He can’t write how I speak. No one can write how I speak. The only person who understands the words coming out of my mouth is me! So that’s who is going to do the writing and everything. Me!

 

Star-packed and full of great musical numbers The Kanye West Wing looks like being the best thing to watch until 2020 when we will get the real thing.

The Kanye West Wing will be broadcast this Fall.

mage courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

OSCARS: BEASTMASTER CANCELS

HOLLYWOOD – The Beastmaster has cancelled as host of the Oscars, leading to his replacement by original choice Neil Patrick Harris.

The Beastmaster had shocked everyone by agreeing to take part in the ceremony, despite having shunned the Academy Awards for years after the biopic based on his life failed to gain any nominations. Excitement had grown to mythical proportions as it was reported that Kanye West had also  agreed to appear as a co-host.

However, sources inside the Beastmaster camp reported tensions earlier in the week when it was revealed that Hawk the Slayer was no longer representing Beastmaster. There were also threats from animal rights organisations who claimed that Beastmaster’s dominance of the animal kingdom was only made possible ‘through the use of powerful psychotropic drugs and training sessions that involve what is tantamount to torture’.

Beastmaster issued a statement to the press this morning:

Due to personal issues regarding my relationship with Kiri I have decided to pull out of the Oscars. It is a real shame and I was looking forward to hearing all of Kanye’s objections to the Oscars. And Kodo and Podo really wanted to do a selfie like Ellen did, but ultimately we have to return to the realm and meet up again with the birdmen and sort out everything.

Neil Patrick Harris said that he’ll be delighted to resume his duties but was sorry that he wouldn’t have the opportunity to see Beastmaster’s unique approach to his duties:

He was going to have the prizes delivered by giraffes and sharks. I guess I’ll do my best, but I’m not surprised everyone is disappointed. So am I.

The Oscars are on later this evening. 

KANYE WEST TO CO-HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Rapper Kanye West is going to co-host the 87th Motion Picture Academy Awards, or Oscars as they prefer to be known.

Following the shock replacement of Neil Patrick Harris with the Beastmaster  earlier this week comes the news that the Beastmaster will be joined by a musical co-host, Kanye West. The Beastmaster spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec and had this to say:

We knew that Kanye was coming to the Oscars and we also know that he has a tendency to get up on the stage and dispute certain decisions. We were worrying about a way of avoiding a similar incident when I realized wait a second let’s just run with this.

So you’re going to do what?

We’re going to give Kanye a fifteen second rebuttal after every award is declared. So if Michael Keaton wins best actor he can rap something like ‘You may be the Birdman, but compared to Beyoncé, you’re the turd man!’ Or if Selma wins Best Picture, Kanye might rap ‘Martin Luther King Jr: you’re a joke! Beyoncé has done more for the black folk’.

Wow! You’re quite good at rapping.

Yeah, it’s one of my powers. That and talking to the animals. I’m a cross between Eminem, Conan the Barbarian and Doctor Doolittle.

I can’t wait for the Oscars.

Neither can I.

 The Oscars are Sunday-ish.

KANYE WEST TELLS PAUL MCCARTNEY ‘BEYONCE WAS BEST BEATLE’

HOLLYWOOD –  Backstage at the Grammys, Kanye West blasted Paul McCartney as a talentless no-hoper who should admit publicly that Beyoncé wrote all the Beatles’ songs.

A furious Kanye West ranted for five full minutes with his face just meters from the ex-Beatles face:

You are a f*cking disgrace, and if you had any artistic integrity you would go out on that stage and admit in front of all your peers that it was Beyoncé Knowles who wrote all the best tracks on Sgt. Peppers and all the tracks on Abbey Road and not only did you not credit her the way you ought have, you even changed the name of her best album to The White Album cause you were a bunch of cracker assholes.

Shocked onlookers tried to defend the elderly rocker, arguing with Kanye that Beyonce Knowles wasn’t even born when the Beatles broke up. But the belligerent rapper became apoplectic:

That’s what makes it so galling. She manages to write all those motherf*cking songs and she hasn’t even been born yet. As a little preconceived filth thought she has more artistic integrity than all these Scientologists. And she does the Pipes of Peace and that f*cking one with the frogs, I can’t remember what it was called but it was Goddamned genius. With the f*cking frogs singing like a f*cking chorus. What the f*ck was it called? Yeezus!

The former Fab Four member told the press that he agreed with everything he said and that he hoped that Kanye West would continue to make wonderful music and that tuna fish that he liked so much that comes in the tins.

Kanye West will be next interrupting an acceptance speech at the Oscars on the 22nd of February.