ZOOLANDER 2 ACCUSED OF MODELPHOBIA

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Stiller comedy sequel Zoolander 2 has come under fire for its portrayal of supermodels.

Follow up comedy hit Zoolander 2 is in hot water today following accusations thee its portrayal of supermodels is ‘offensive and inrealistic’. Cara Delevingne and Kate Moss are only two of literally six supermodels who are furious with the way they’re profession is portrayed.

Cara told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

People say that we are supposed to be stupid just because we’re ridiculously good looking. But that’s so unfair. I was in Paper Towns and Kate Moss married Liam Gallagher, or was it Johnny Depp?

Justin Bieber also stood up for the supermodels of the world:

I think this kind of model-phobia is disgraceful. It’s like racism but worse because racism doesn’t have to put up with having to watch your weight and deal with really bad after parties.

In the film Ben Stiller plays Derek Zoolander a supermodel famous for his inability to pronounce words properly and for his trademark looks ‘magnum’, ‘Blue Steel’ and ‘Le Tigre’. Owen Wilson, who plays his best friend Hansel, was furious with the accusations.

This is absolute BS if you don’t mind me saying their chief. I know for a fact that some of my best friends are supermodels and although they’re certainly incredibly good looking they are none too bright upstairs and not one of them would deny that or even want to. The only reason Cara, Kate and Justin are angry is because they wanted to be in the movie and we forgot to call them.

But Justin Bieber is in the movie.

Is he? Oh well point proven!

But what about the argument that the film is transphobic in regard to Benedict Cumberbatch’s character?

Transphobic? Jesus. If you’re worried about a Ben Stiller comedy then I don’t know … Jeez.

Zoolander 2 will be released 12 February, 2016.

MILEY CYRUS TO PLAY ANNE FRANK

HOLLYWOOD – Miley Cyrus is to play Jewish teenager Anne Frank in new Brett Ratner biopic She’s in the Attic.

VMAs host and Bangerz star Miley Cyrus has signed on to play Jewish teenager and diary writer Anne Frank in a new film to be directed by the man who brought us Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2. The film, provisionally entitled She’s in the Attic, is set to begin shooting next month and is based on the diaries of the young Jewish girl Anne Frank (Miley Cyrus) who hid from the Nazis with her family before finally being captured and sent to the Bergen-Belsen Concentration Camp where she tragically died.

‘I didn’t know who she was at first,’ said the former Hannah Montana. ‘Until I heard that she was a Belieber and then I thought, wow, how ahead of her time. I mean really. This girl I have to find out about. I read a lot about her and if you think about it she’s like an early Kardashian. You know how intimately we feel we know her if you like.’

Brett Ratner said that his project was absolutely sensitive to the issues surrounding the tragic life of the young girl:

This is a gonna be tasteful. We are artists paying homage to a young girl and the songs are totally justified in the context of the story. This is like Schindler’s List meets High School Musical. And Glee. Classy. Right?

It’s going to be a musical?

Yes absolutely. We are hoping to incorporate some of Miley’s songs into the film, although we’ll obviously modify the lyrics a little bit. Instead of ‘You hit me like a wrecking ball’, which doesn’t make much sense given the context, Miley will sing ‘I keep staring at this f*cking wall’. And of course ‘Best of Both Worlds’ will be changed to the ‘Worst of All Worlds’.

How are you going to deal with the differences in age?

I don’t foresee that being a problem. We’re getting the same guy who did Brad Pitt in the Curious Case of Benjamin Button to come in and kind of shrink Miley down. It’ll be fine.

Jewish groups and the Anne Frank Foundation have reacted with anger and disgust at the proposed film treatment. ‘First Justin Bieber and then this,’ said an exasperated Per Jankins. ‘This is getting too much.’

She’s in the Attic opens in the Fall of 2016.

 

MAYWEATHER PACQUAIO FIGHT WAS LAST WEEK APPARENTLY

LAS VEGAS – Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquaio already fought Studio Exec learned earlier today.

According to my assistants in the Studio Exec bungalow, the fight took place on the second of May and was televised on Pay per View. Tickets had been bought but the date had not been checked and I was very busy with work and when I wasn’t working I was drinking and when I wasn’t drinking, I was in what is technically called by scientists a ‘stupor’. Apparently, Justin Bieber was in one corner and Jimmy Kimmell was in another, but precise details are hazy and I’m still piecing the sequence of events together carefully.

The news hit just as I was getting into the car with my Go Manny t-shirt on and my usual hunting rifles, 5 casks of beer and 7 crates of grapefruit juice, in other words, everything a fight fan needs to enjoy the ancient art. My reaction I’m ashamed to say was poor, but fortunately I was reminded that due to the strange behavior of time, I was now due to catch my flight to Cannes anyway. So off I set.

I don’t even know who won the fight, but I hope it was Manny. Floyd Mayweather strikes me as an a-hole.

ANTHONY HOPKINS RULES HIMSELF OUT OF JUSTIN BIEBER BIO-PIC

CARDIFF – Welsh actor and human chameleon Sir Anthony Hopkins has today formally withdrawn his hat from the ring and ended speculation that he was to star in Bieber, the new Gasper Noè directed biopic of the post-pubescent singer.

‘I’m just a little bit too old,’ said the former Hannibal Lecter.

I sat down with Gasper and he tried to persuade me and we spoke for some time, but in the end  I had to say look at me, I can’t play a teenager,’ said Hopkins, who is famed for his transformations as Hannibal Lecter, C.S. Lewis, Nixon, Hannibal Lecter, Methuselah, Hannibal Lecter and most recently Alfred Hitchcock. It would have been nice to add to the gallery of portraits, but alas, not to be.

The film – a prequel to Justin Bieber: Never Say Never – was to chart the rise of the teen sensation from his lowly humble origins as a ‘Canadian’. Schlock French director Noè – famous for his twenty minute rape scenes – said:

Initially, I had no interested in this disgusting little twerper. Who is he? A no one. But then I saw him vomit on stage and I though a-ha! This is art. This is L’Avant Garde!

It isn’t all bad news though. Helen Mirren has agreed to play Selena Gomez, Mr. Bieber’s paramour.

Bieber will be released in 2016.

JUSTIN BIEBER AND JONAH HILL APOLOGY OFF

  HOLLYWOOD – Let the ‘nothing I can say excuses what I did’ excusing commence!

In the blue corner, weighing in at 54 pounds, two inches – everyone’s favorite nice boy gone bad until Miley Cyrus cut her hair and now we’re all confused but anyway: he’s Canadian! Justin Bieber!
And in the red corner, weighing in at NO! I’m not going there, Jump Street 22 star and Wolf of Wall Street Oscar nominee, he’s not Canadian! At least, I don’t think… no he definitely isn’t. Jonah Hill!
And Justin is out first ducking and weaving throwing a few mild complaints about the pressure of celebrity. But here’s Jonah, some of his best friends are Gay! In fact he’s going to a Gay wedding tomorrow, of his best friend, who is totally cool, and that’s cool!
But Justin’s back. He was only eighteen when he made the comments: they’re hurtful, he says. He expresses remorse.
BUT MY GOD WHAT’S THIS?
Jonah’s Kimmeling him to the ground. Claiming that no one should forgive him and should use him as an example for what not to do or be when someone responds to you with hate because there’s too much hate in the world, why (for the love of Pete!) can’t we just get along, black and white, gay and straight, Hos and Bitches?
Oh no. No, I think he got away with that.
Bieber is trying to claim his joke was more about racism than racist itself but it’s no good, Hill is running circles around him, he’s on Howard Stern, he’s gone viral. His voice is cracking. 

It’s CRACKING! It’s all over. 


Bieber’s deported and Hill is King of the Sorrys!

5 STORIES WE DIDN’T WRITE

HOLLYWOOD – There are a number of stories in the past that have been attributed to the Studio Exec which were not our work and we would like in the interests of clarity and intellectual honesty to make this abundantly clear. Here is a list of stories which have caused some confusion.

1. Matthew McConaughey’s Oscar acceptance speech

2. James Franco to play Tommy Wiseau. Although nowadays each journalist has been issued with an automatic James Franco headline generator, this one stood out as almost identical to something we would publish, but alas it was not our doing. If it goes ahead, and there are only rumors at the moment, the universe will probably implode on its own stupidity.

3. Private Benjamin remake to star Rebel Wilson. Or for that matter Lethal Weapon reboot to star Chris Hemsworth.

4.  Miley Cyrus singing to a huge inflatable model of her dead dog.

5. Justin Bieber just being. 

For more FACTS however, CLICK here.

JUSTIN BIEBER TO PLAY ELVIS PRESLEY IN LAST TRAIN TO MEMPHIS

HOLLYWOOD – Canadian pop star Justin Bieber is to play the King of Rock n’ Roll Elvis Presley in a new film The Last Train to Memphis based on the award winning biography by music journalist and historian, Peter Guralnick.

 The film’s director James Mangold, whose 2005 film Walk the Line told the story of Elvis contemporary Johnny Cash, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

The story of Justin and Elvis are very similar. They were both young stars who reached heights of stardom previously unseen. They were both seen as a threat and disapproved of by older members of society even as they were adored by legions of young fans. Musically they were both … [begins to sob] Oh Jesus, no, what have I done? No, I can’t … I just can’t [inaudible].

Is it true this is going to be commercially successful?

Yes. Money. Money. Yes. And the film is based on the first of two books Peter wrote. The second one could even be broken up into two films, potentially making more money. Then we’re obviously going to have a soundtrack album with Justin recording all of Elvis’ hits. I for one am really looking forward to seeing his versions of such classics as Mystery Train, Suspicious Minds and … oh God what have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE? [Screams and a sound of a dog barking in the distance]…

The news of the production has scotched rumors of a rival film by Kevin MacDonald and starring Ben Affleck as the Pelvis.

The Last Train to Memphis will be released in 2015. 

FREE THE BIEBER ONE

MIAMI – The latest news coming out of Miami about the Trail of Justin Bieber has shocked the world. How long must we suffer under this kind of injustice?

How long are Canadians going to be oppressed in this way by a vindictive US judicial system which attacks and hounds innocent teen idols and forces them to wear humiliating v necked blood orange/puce smocks and with trousers that come all the way up? The time has come to fight back!  

So he went drag racing with his rich friends in luxury super cars at high speeds in a residential area. Who in all honesty can say they haven’t done the same? Hand on heart, I do it every night of the week and twice on Sundays. 

This is simply an example of those vindictive 99%-ers who hate the fact that us rich folks have been given lots of money for the hard arduous work our parents or their parents or someone else way down the line has done. 
They hate Justin because he is rich, but he has earned every cent. They hate Justin because he is Canadian, even though that is just an accident of birth. 
But most of all the POWERS THAT BE hate Justin because he is a TRUTH TELLER and an ARTIST. 

They killed John Lennon because he sang about ‘Imagining a world without war’. They killed Bob Marley (I think) because he wanted everyone to get together and for everything to ‘be all right’. And now they are persecuting Justin Bieber because he sang ‘Baby, baby, baby, oh / Baby, baby, baby, no’. 

SELENA GOMEZ: ‘I WAS RAISED BY WOLVES’

HOLLYWOOD – Spring Breakers star, actress, and singer, Selena Gomez – in a revealing and intimate interview with German cultural magazine Spunken – spoke for the first time about her early childhood and how it informed her later rise to fame and her ambition to achieve super-stardom.

The Wizards of Waverly Place starlet recalled her late father Eponymous Gomez, an explorer and Felicia his young pregnant wife. When they were forced to crash land in the Amazon rain forest they were given up for lost. Indeed, Eponymous had been badly injured in the crash and Felicia – in a state of shock – went into labor. And so the future girlfriend of Justin Bieber was born.
Ms. Gomez told Spunken:

I would have been lost. My daddy passed away from the injuries he sustained in the crash and my mother was eaten by ravenous wolves, but fortunately, and I’ll never truly know why, the mother of the pack took me for her own, suckled me and saw I ate all my raw flesh, until I was healthy enough to survive. To this day I never eat salad.

The German journalist asks shyly how come there were wolves in the Amazon rain forest.

Oh, dad always carried some wolves in the back of the plane in case of emergencies. That way if we crashed and he was killed and I was born prematurely and then mother died and I was left in the middle of the jungle defenseless, helpless, a new born baby with scant chance of survival the wild wolves, starved and traumatized would protect me and bring me up as a ‘fur-less cub’. You have to admire the man’s foresight because that is exactly what happened. 

How did it change you, living with wolves? 

It was great at first and they were very supportive when I started my career. Especially my pack mother. They would howl all night and I’d try to harmonize with them. They also provided me with a fierce will to succeed, whatever the cost. There was plenty of rough and tumble, I can tell you.

And do you still see your wolf mother?

No. Unfortunately, she passed away. As soon as I got enough money, shortly after I started appearing on Barney and Friends and had a proper agent and everything, I hired a helicopter to take me back to the crash site where the wolves still had their den. They came running to greet me, their tales wagging and I shot every last one of them with a recoilless machine gun.

Mien Gott!

Those bitches tore my mother to pieces and ate her while she screamed. That shit can’t go down unpunished.  

Reprinted with the kind permission of Spunken magazine. 

JUSTIN BIEBER USED AS A SKIN HEAD MASCOT

LONDON – In a week of Justin Bieber related news Studio Exec have heard further rumors that the young Master Bieber has been ‘recruited’ by a skin head gang who ‘carry him around like a doll’ and use him as a mascot before they listen to Oi music and get into fights.

Friend and former skin head mascot Elijah ‘Frodo’ Wood sympathized with Bieber:

Once these people get hold of you there’s nothing you can do to get away. They always choose small celebrities and basically kidnap them and sometimes they arrange for tea parties with rival gangs. Do you think I wanted to make Green Street?   

Tom Cruise was also kidnapped and used as a mascot and some say he is still undergoing the ordeal even today, but we couldn’t possibly understand what people mean by that. Earlier today in London Master Bieber sought help from a passing photo-journalist but was bundled into a car before the ‘paparazzo’ could help. From the photographs it is clear Master Bieber is distraught and has been forced to wear a golf club warmer. ‘That’s part of the tradition,’ said Wood. ‘It humiliates the mascot and stops him from escaping.’

‘Please help me photo-journalist!’

JUSTIN BIEBER TO PLAY SON OF THE TERMINATOR

It has been confirmed this morning that pretty boy pop star Justin Bieber is to play Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child in James Cameron’s Terminator & Son.

I’ve been working on the script for ten years and as soon as I finishAvatar 26, we’ll begin pre-production” said a businesslike Cameron.

An illegal copy of the screenplay was released on the Web and immediately removed but online gamer Paul Foot was one of the few who managed to sneak a peak.

It’s pretty amazing,“ said a vitamin D deficient Foot.

It turns out that Sarah Connor and the Terminator had a brief sexual encounter in a deleted scene from Judgement Day. When Connor is killed trying to blow up Google Headquarters; her child Billy Skynet (Bieber) is sent to live with the Terminator who has retired from being a murderous time travelling cyborg and is currently running a successful scrap metal business in Delaware. From then on it becomes a gritty domestic drama about the relationship between father and son. The Terminator wants Billy to take over the family business but all he want to do is assassinate people.

Schwarzenegger has been tight lipped about his role but his agent Chuck Flake claims Arnie is taking this one seriously.

I’ve never seen him so committed “ said Flake. “He turned  a cameo down in Argo 2: Lost Luggage because he wanted to make sure he was properly prepared. I know it’s early days but I’m convinced this is the role that will finally secure him his long awaited Oscar.”


Terminator & Son is due for release in 2015

STAR WARS EPISODE 7 PLOT REVEALED!











Earlier today social media platforms exploded with the news that Disney has bought Lucas Film and plans to make Star Wars Episode 7 in 2015.

We caught up with George in his vault dressed in a bathing suit and swimming in gold coins.

George, how the devil are you?

I’m rich baby, rich as rich can be.

So what made you sign over the rights of your life’s work to Disney?

In a word, money. I’m going to buy a continent, maybe Asia and declare myself Emperor.

Exciting stuff. What can you tell us about the upcoming Episodes 7,8,9?

Well it’s pretty simple. Luke has a son, Luke’s wife is killed, Luke turns to the dark side, Luke becomes Vader, Luke’s son becomes a Jedi, Luke’s son Kills Vader.

Wow, that’s original.

Indeed. Then for 10, 11, 12 Luke’s son has a son, the son’s wife is killed, the son turns to the dark side, the son becomes Vader, the Son’s son becomes a Jedi, The Son’s son kills Vader. Rinse and repeat Ad Nauseam until the end of time itself.

Interesting. Who will be playing Luke’s son?

Well it’s got to be Justin Bieber. He has millions of twitter followers and if we cast him that’s like an extra 500 million in the bank.


A shrewd move..anyone else?

Yeah sure. Ricky Gervias, Stephen Fry, Lady Gaga. Basically anyone with over 2 million twitter followers we’ll throw in there.

Will the original cast be returning?

I should think so. Let’s be honest, Fisher and Hamill need the cash and Ford needs a hit. Anyway, if they turn us down we’ll just get Andy Serkis in to play them all via motion capture.

What do you say to all those people who accuse you of destroying their childhoods by ruining a once beloved franchise with endless sequels.

I say F*ck you. I’ve got more money than China what the hell do I care what a bunch of peasants think?

A good point, well made. So what else are you going to do with your enormous wealth?

I’m going to make a sequel to Howard the Duck .


Star Wars Episode 7 to be released in 2015.

KRISTEN STEWART TO PLAY ROD STEWART












HOLLYWOOD – Twilight star Kristen Stewart has struck a deal with Paramount to star in Danny Boyle’s Rod Stewart biopic Do ya think I’m sexy?

Kristen will be one of 6 actors who will each play a facet of Rod’s character and although some are already comparing the project to Tod Hayne’s I’m Not There (2007). Boyle insists any similarities are purely coincidental.

“Any similarities are purely coincidental,” said an unconvincing Boyle.

The script, written by frequent Boyle collaborator Alex Garland is being produced by Leonardo DiCaprio’s production company Appian Way and Leo is rumoured to be making a cameo appearance as Ex-Faces and current Rolling Stone Guitarist Ronny Wood.

Boyle has gathered a smorgasbord of acting talent to play the Scottish singer. Justin Bieber, Jake Gyllenhaal, Colin Farrell and Woody Harrelson are already firmly on board and Boyle is chasing Bill Murray to complete the sextet.


Rod himself is said to have given his blessing to the project but his ex-wife Rachel Hunter is worried that his former lovers will not be cast in a flattering light.

“ I’ve heard that I’m going to be played by Karl Urban” said an outraged Hunter. “ I mean what the fuck is all that about?. Still it could be worse I suppose. I hear Eli Wallach has been cast as Britt Ekland!”


Pre-production is due to start early next year with a provisional release date of Christmas 2013.