MOVIE RUN TIMES WILL BE REGULATED

HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of the announcement for the run time of the upcoming The Batman at just short of 3 hours, federal lawmakers have stepped in to put a stop to this ass-numbing madness. Movie run times will be regulated by a centralized federal task force as of September 2023 called the Federal Arbitrator for Run Times or F.A.R.T.

Holy Numb Butt Batman!

The announcement of the Federal Arbitrator for Run Times or F.A.R.T will have editorial powers over all movies released in the United States of America. They will be tasked with ensuring no movie exceeds the allocated permitted run time for that genre of film.

Movie Run Times Will Be Cut Short

The whole system will classify each movie into a specific genre or classification. These will include: Comic Book Adaptation, Non-Comic Book, Children’s Animation, Fancy Foreign Animation and Smart-Ass Independent will be just a few of the classifications. Each classification will be granted a maximum run time. Therefore, if a film is classified as Comic Book Adaptation, for example, they will not be allowed to run over 90 minutes long. This would include credits and post credits scenes.

F.A.R.T Tightens Things Up

The F.A.R.T chairperson, Jessica Felch stated, ‘We at F.A.R.T are proud to be doing America a big solid. We’ll ensure the butts of this great nation will no longer be numbed in the name of entertainment and studio greed. F.A.R.T will make sure all films are correctly classified and assigned an audience appropriate run time.’

Holy Boredom Batman!

‘These Marvel and DC fat cats will never afflict us with 4 hours of slow motion rain ever again. They can’t force us into watching Eternals stare at each other on beaches for hours on end. This madness must and will stop.’

Metropol-

‘We will cut classic films also. Fritz Lang’s Metropolis will end with all those extras drowning in the streets, just as Fritz wanted it. The Longest Day will be retitled to The Day. And Zack Snyder’s Justice League, well that will still be a turd nobody could ever polish clean.’

The Federal Arbitrator for Run Times Comes Into Power Next September

ZACK SNYDER TO TAKE OVER MARVEL UNIVERSE

HOLLYWOOD – Justice League director Zack Snyder to take over Marvel Universe.

Following his success at releasing Zack Snyder‘s Justice League, the 300 director Zack Snyder is due to take over the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Kevin Feige today announced that he would step down from his position overseeing the MCU:

I know when I’m beat. I’ve watched what Zack has achieved over at DC and I know he’s the man to reverse our fortunes.

Although Zack won’t be the first director to move between the two universes – James Gunn went in the other direction – he will eb the most high profile director to have done so. In many ways, Snyder is as much the face of DC as Feige has represented for Marvel. However, the Snydster – as he insists on us calling him – seemed blithely dismissive of any objections.

Fans, you know, fuck ’em! The way I see it is that there aren’t any universes. There’s just one universe the Snyderverse. That’s what I’ll concentrate all my efforts to bring into existence. I mean let’s face it: there are so many things I can do. The DC Universe is kind of done. I don’t want to say I perfect it, but I kinda did. What else can I do? I mean, realistically?

With that Zack turned and walked away in slow motion as a thousand crows fell to his feet.

Batman Vs Superman Vs Spiderman starts filming in May.

SNYDER CUT AS HBO CANCELS JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – HBO cancels Justice League in a shock move.

The much anticipated 4 hour film will release on Tik-Tok as HBO cancels Justice League, The Snyder Cut. The surprise announcement came earlier today as rumours grew and grew about the release of the controversial Snyder Cut of the lackluster blockbuster where heroes muster.

Tik-Tok, Tik-Tok

The 4 hour film will now be released on the micro video sharing site, Tik-Tok in a series of over 1600 posts for comic book fans to watch. Zack Snyder released the following statement to confirm the rumours:

HBO Can Suck It

Subjects, worshippers and Snydians. I, Zack Snyder have parted ways with the evil corporate machine that is HBO. After initially promising me whatever I wanted to finally release the much anticipated Snyder Cut of The Justice League, HBO fucked me. Although calling it The Snyder Cut suggested it already existed, I basically had to shoot the whole fucking thing again. Some of the capitalist douche-bags at HBO lost faith when I showed them images of the brand new villain. They stupidly claim ‘it looks just like the old one, just a bit shinier’. Pricks.

Bullshit

That is of course bullshit, man. It’s totally a different villain-alien thing. His armour is spikier, the hills in the background look greener and, yes I’ll grant you, his armour is shinier. But let’s concentrate on the positive. Those fine, fine people at Tik-Tok have swooped in to save the day just like Iron Man or Spiderman.

Cinema Is Dead

As we all know, cinema is dead. No-one likes going to movie theatres now, we just want to watch stuff on our phones or tablets. Just ask Marty Scorsese or Christopher Nolan, they’ll be the first to agree. Movies just don’t work on the big screen anymore. Movies, especially 4 fucking hour long movies, are best watched in 15 second segments.

It’s Not Me, It’s You

Let’s face it, kids today are totally incapable for concentrating any longer than a few seconds at a time. That’s why no-one went to see any of my last few movies. That’s totally the reason. No other reason could possibly explain how I could take tried and tested cash cows like Batman and Superman and screw the pooch. It wasn’t down to me. It’s the audience’s fault. Fucking jerk offs. So here we are. We’re releasing a 4 hour plus movie on a platform that only allows 15 second videos. It’s great, totally great. It’s fine. Totally fine.

The Justice League Snyder Cut Will Be Rolled Out On Tik-Tok In March.

ZACK SNYDER DIRECTS BUGS BUNNY THE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Zack Snyder is to direct Bugs Bunny: The Movie after he wraps on his dark and edgy Justice League movie.

Foul mouthed Zack Snyder has announced he’ll direct Bugs Bunny The Movie for Warner Bros as soon as possible.

Elmer Fudd Is A C**t

‘In my version of the Carrot munching kids favorite, Bugs will battle drug kingpin Elmer Fudd.’ Snyder told The Exec, ‘Fudd sells a highly addictive Orange crystal methamphetamine called Caret to all of Bugs’s cartoon friends. It’s by way of revenge for Bugs making him look like such a c**t all the time. It’s going to be a whole new dark and edgy re-imagining of the Warner cartoon universe, or WCU.’

Cartoon Dope Fiends

‘Wile E Coyote will finally succumb to his addiction,’ continued the director. ‘He dies on a piss-soaked mattress in a crack den. Roadrunner stands over his beloved adversary’s rancid corpse and yells: ‘Noooo, take me-me.’ Before he runs off over the edge of a cliff, holds a white flag and falls to his death in comically timed cloud of dust way below. It gonna be fucked up.’
Marvin The Mind Fuck

‘Marvin the Martian will turn up as psychedelic induced hallucination when Bugs drops Acid laced with Ketamine. He shows Bugs that life is meaningless and we are all just part of the same vibration of energy rebounding off the walls our imagined universe. Bugs awakes from his mind expanding trip. He realises that Porky Pig is his spirit animal and decides to really fuck the social constructs up by playing in a Black Sabbath covers band. Yeah, edgy as you all goddamn.’

Bad Lieutenant

‘Daffy Duck is a cop on the take when we first meet him. He’s done some bad shit, think Harvey Keitel jerking off in front of those girls in Bad Lieutenant. But this time he has a beak and keeps saying ‘You’re indessssspicable.’ Until he blows his feathers all over the car door. I’m so fucking edgy.’

Bugs Bunny: The Movie begins shooting in early 2021.

JUSTICE LEAGUE SNYDER CUT DETAILS LEAK

HOLLYWOOD – The Snyder Cut of the Justice League is finally coming out and we have the skinny.

The Studio Exec obtained details of the Justice League Zack Snyder Cut from industry insiders. Differences between the Twitter fanboy pinup, Snyder’s version and Marvel super villain, Whedon’s version are significant.

The industry insider told The Studio Exec, ‘The differences are huge man, just huge! In Snyder’s cut Steppenwolf will not be voiced by Ciaran Hinds but John Kay, lead singer of 60s rock band Steppenwolf. It’s born to be wild, man!’ The insider went on say, ‘Zack has reviewed the reshoots of Henry Cavell’s Superman wearing a moustache. He loved it. As a result, he’s CGI-ing moustaches onto all of them except for Aquaman. He will have his beard removed and placed on Wonder Woman. Because Zack didn’t like the light tone of Whedon’s cut, he has removed all the jokes and shots where any character smiles. He’s digitally darkening the whole print and has added 38% more rain.’

The mixed reviews and poor returns in 2017 prompted momentum to grow on Twitter among comic movie fan communities for the fabled Zack Snyder Cut to be released.

Our source revealed Zack Snyder doesn’t intend to stop at his own film. ‘He’s now going back over other flops in the hope of reimagining them and turning them into money making behemoths. Snyder is going to have a crack at Ishtar, Heaven’s Gate and Battlefield Earth. Zack loves working with Gerard Butler, so he’s got the lead male roles for all 3 films, taking both Hoffman’s and Beatty’s parts in Ishtar.’

HBOMax release Justice League: The Zack Snyder Cut in 2021. Good night, and good luck.

5 THINGS WRONG WITH THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – The Justice League hit theaters and was immediately hailed as a masterpiece of its genre.

The New York Times called it ‘The Casablanca of Superhero movies’ and Variety said ‘Eat your heart out Christopher Nolan.’

But – as rebellious as ever – The Studio Exec is not fully convinced.

So here are our five minor problems with Zach Snyder/ Joss Whedon’s new movie:

1. It’s shit.

2. Everyone looks tired and depressed. First, Ben Affleck looks like they CGIed Ryan Reynolds head onto Dave Bautista’s body. Second, Amy Adams looks like she’s performing under duress. As if someone is just off camera with a cattle prod, blocking the exit. She looks so bored and they used a crayon to color in her hair. Then Diane Lane is too obviously happy just to get work. Finally, Gal Gadot looks confused that she can be in such a bad film after having been in such a good one. Weirdly, Henry Cavill shines.

3. The film is as visually interesting as an infomercial. As much as I hated Batman V Superman and Man of Steel, those films had a certain visual pomposity that was compelling. Here, not only is the CGI like mid-90s Star Trek, but every shot, hero entrance, etc etc looks like a rush job for a poorly funded advertising agency. Take the iconic moment towards the end where Clark Kent becomes Superman. It looked like a TV advert featuring Superman. Nothing momentous happens.

In rushing to be the Avengers, they threw out the epic with the dourness.

4. Which leads us to: the humor wasn’t funny. It’s like sitting at a wedding reception with that guy who is really funny and then someone else tries to go toe to toe with them, but they don’t have the material. Unfunny humor isn’t just not funny, it is deeply depressing. They label every joke ‘JOKE’. The Flash (Ezra Miller) is annoying. Really annoying. It is like they took Zach Snyder’s sense of humor and mixed it with Joss Whedon’s visual flair. And that line is funnier than anything in the movie.

5. The Avengers. Anything DC does feels like catch up. And that’s a pity. Aquaman sounds like Thor, Superman like Captain America, Batman like Tony Stark, Flash like Peter Parker. The getting the team together to beat a CGI thing with the blue light from the sky and the cubes… whatever. Do we really want anymore universes? What was a neat idea ten years ago is beginning to look lazy bloated franchise think. Isn’t it time to finally give up?

 For more FACTS click here.

ZACK SNYDER’S NEXT FILM: ‘ONE LONG SLOW MOTION FUNERAL IN THE RAIN’

HOLLYWOOD – Zack Snyder announces his dream project.

Once Justice League is completed, Zack Snyder has revealed that his next film will be a departure from the comic book universe and will consist entirely of one long slow motion funeral in the rain.

The 300 and Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice director, Zack Snyder has spoken about his next project EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It’s just going to be a funeral in slow motion in the rain and we’re going to ahve lots and lots of flashbacks but all the flashbacks are also going to be to slow motion funerals in the rain. It’s what I was born to do.

You do like slow motion funerals.

I do. I slow motion funerals, I love destroying cities, I love montages and I love pineapples. But Spongebob ruined those for everyone else. I still got the funerals though. They belong to me.

Four Slow Motion Funerals and No Wedding will be released in 2018.

MARVEL AND DC MERGE

SAN DIEGO – Marvel and DC Comics have merged it was revealed at Comic-Con in San Diego.

During a joint presentation in Hall H of Comic-Con, Marvel and DC Comics revealed that they are to merge to become Darvec, a super media conglomerate that will make all the movies for the next thirty years.

In a joint statement, Marvel and DC Comics spokesperson Stan Lee told astonished fans:

This is great news. We will producing a whole new slate of films with a shared universe in which all your favorite characters will interact and everything will be inter-related and we can argue and get really mad on the internet about nothing at all.

Reaction was loud with many threatening self-immolation and boycotts, but Ben Affleck welcomed the news.

The first film to be released will be Batman v Superman v Captain America v Iron Man in February, 2017, followed in 2018 by Justice League v Avengers.

37 THINGS WRONG WITH BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

HOLLYWOOD – Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice has earned record breaking box office but has had something of a critical mauling.

So what went wrong with The Man of Steel and Batman sequels and The Justice League prequel, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. We lit up the skies above Gotham and Metropolis with our very own FACT signal and the Squad leaped into action. Caution: there are SPOILERS ahead:

1 The plot is terrible. A lot of venom is expended on Zack Snyder but who wrote this crap? David S. Goyer was involved in the Nolan Batmans and they were Shakespeare compared to this. Chris Terrio, I presume as the writer of Argo, is Affleck’s polisher. So who is responsible? And did they actually re-read the script once they wrote it, because it just looks like there are so many first draft problems in here.

2. The action is mostly terrible. Mostly. There are some good bits – the Batman fight in the warehouse is pretty good – but another big fight in another semi-destroyed city. And none of the Superman superhero bits look super-heroic.

3. Everybody does everything for no apparent reason. No motivation is apparent for anyone. No one actually behaves in a way that makes any consistent sense. Again Shakespeare this ain’t, so I’m not looking for layers of psychological interiority but the Road Runner cartoons have more character logic than this film.

4. Everything is in close up. I get it that this is from a comic book and some of the shots slavishly reproduce panels from sources such as The Dark Knight Returns, but this is cinema and just as a Jane Austen adaptation shouldn’t just reproduce reams of chuntering dialogue, so a comic book movie has to work out a way of producing a cinematic version of the story that makes visual sense.

5. We see Batman’s parents getting shot again. One of these days we might have a Batman movie that doesn’t go into the dark origin story, but at the moment every story is an origin story.

6. We see young master Wayne meeting the bats again and being able to fly. We saw this done so much better in Batman Begins and the film doesn’t seem to know whether it wants to carry on from the Nolan films – the destroyed house looks similar – or be different.

7. People walk in slow motion when sad. And leaves fall from trees at funerals – as though the very trees did weep!

8. 9/11 parallels are now officially the worst thing to come out of 9/11 after the invasion of Iraq but before the invasion of Afghanistan. The ineptness of story is much more forgivable if it isn’t loaded with portentous incoherent political subtext.

9. Superman still hasn’t learned to slow down when he lands.

10. Superman has no problem killing people anymore. Lois Lane is now the facilitator who gives him an excuse to off people. And he even gives her a bit of a wink as if they both get off on it.

11. Lois Lane – ace reporter – begins an interview with an African war lord with the probing question: ‘Are you a terrorist?’ This is a quote from The Insider when Christopher Plumber playing Mike Wallace asks the same question, but there it said something about character and it was a television interview. Here it is simply reckless and tactically stupid.

12. Jimmy works for the CIA! WTF?

13. Clark Kent has no charisma, no dopey charm, and acts exactly like Superman as if the costume was the only difference. Cavill should be playing two distinct characters but he barely manages one. Frankly both Superman and Clark Kent are played as Henry Cavill wearing different clothes.

14. Congressional hearings are held about Superman intervening in Africa, but not about his destruction of an entire city in the previous film.

15. Superman looks embarrassed when he turns up at congressional hearings wearing his Superman costume, as if this was a party and he thought it was fancy dress but it wasn’t.

16. Superman doesn’t actually get to say anything at the hearing. You’ve set up a confrontation. Sure the bomb is going to go off, but why not have a bit of to and fro before hand. Some talking, some justifications, some arguments, instead of another CGI explosion, because, Lord knows, that’s what this movie lacks?

17. Why Lex Luthor blows up the hearing is a total mystery. If it was to frame Superman, it doesn’t work. He offs his assistants as well, for no particular reason.

18. Not even Lex Luthor knows why Lex Luthor is doing what Lex Luthor is doing. And there’s no explanation for how Lex Luthor created Facebook. Jesse Eisenberg doesn’t know what Lex Luthor is doing. Or what Jesse Eisenberg is doing.

21. Neither does Zack Snyder.

22. Alfred (Jeremy Irons) doesn’t do much and is sucking a toffee all the way through his performance.

23. Batman is fine with killing people, torturing people, branding people and doesn’t once say ‘To the Batmobile’. And Batman gets into shape by hitting tractor tires with a large hammer.

24. There are dream sequences that are so long that people in them go to sleep and have dream sequences in the dream sequences.

25. Despite being called ‘Superman’, Henry Cavill plays the hero as a teenager with self-esteem issues and who hasn’t had a shit for five days.

26. Gotham and Metropolis are so close they are actually boroughs of each other.

27. No one understands technology. We can clone phones remotely, but we need to physically plug in a thumb drive to get the goods on Lex Luthor.

28. When Lex Luthor introduces Clark Kent to Bruce Wayne, why is he so excited about it? Clark Kent writes for page twenty three of the Daily Planet. He’s a nobody surely.

29. Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) is great, but she is basically in the film to advertise her own film and the films of The Flash, Acquaman et al.

30. Laurence Fishburne doesn’t deserve this.

31. The sinister Asian female assistant is becoming a bit too much of a thing.

32. Superman dies twice. With zero emotional effect.

33. Doomsday is Troll from Moria. Big CGI monsters are so boring. Why does Lex Luther create him? What was the plan? Was that his plan all along?

34. Lois Lane throws away a kryptonite spear, then goes back to get it and then almost drowns. Needs rescuing. Then Superman almost dies getting the spear.

35. Batman, who knows that the spear can kill Superman, at no point offers to help out with the spear, preferring to see Superman almost die.

36. No one has ever stopped a fight to the death because their mothers share the same name. Not ever.

37. By the way, Adolf Hitler’s mother was called Martha.

This list has finished more because of exhaustion than through any sense of completeness. If you want to add to it please use the comment box.

 

 

CHRIS PINE TO STAR IN ALL MALE WONDER WOMAN

HOLLYWOOD – He’s been Captain Kirk and, allegedly, Jack Ryanbut now Chris Pine faces the biggest challenge of his career: playing Wonder Woman in a new, all-male film version of the celebrated DC comic.

Chris Pine has been cast as Diana Prince in a new, all-male version of “Wonder Woman,” which will go head-to-head with Gal Gadot’s take on the character appearing in “Batman v Superman: The Dawn of Justice.”

We had an opportunity to talk to Chris Pine when he dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow, and he seemed really excited to have work:

I’ve been a huge fan of the comic book and of course the TV series starring Lynda Carter. We are looking to take this in a totally new direction and I’m pleased that we have a director of the stature of Pedro Almodovar, who has come in with the script as well.

Isn’t this a large risk for DC to take with such an iconic character?

Yes and no. I think there is a risk—it is useless to deny it—but if films aren’t about taking risks now and again then what are we even doing here? But I think also that the culture is ready to see the end of gender and a new fluidity to these characters. We have an all-female “Ghostbusters.” Thor will be a girl next time around. Caitlyn Jenner is, well, Caitlyn Jenner. So my Wonder Woman will very much play into that.

What about late reports suggesting that you are actually not playing Wonder Woman, but playing rather Steve Trevor in the Gal Gadot film?

Well, that’s obviously some piss-poor film parody site trying to get clicks by publishing the most outrageous nonsense it can think of. Come on, look at me. I can’t play a guy called Steve with my new breasts.

Wonder Woman starring Chris Pine will begin shooting in October.

JUSTICE LEAGUE PLOT LEAKED

HOLLYWOOD – The new Justice League movie – which is currently in a secret state of pre-production – now has a synopsis based on a treatment of a later draft of the script which fell into the hands of the Studio Exec when Christopher Nolan left his bag in the office.

The plot is an original piece of story telling which promises to make for an epic adventure when it finally arrives on our screen in 2015. Read the full synopsis after the jump.

Nick Fury is director of S.H.I.E.L.D, The Justice League is an international peace keeping agency. The agency is a who’s who of DC Comics Marvel Super Heroes, with Green Lantern Iron Man, Batman, The Incredible Hulk,  Superman,Thor,  Aquaman, Captain America, Flash,  Hawkeye   Martian Manhunter and Black Widow  and Wonder Woman. When global security is threatened by Loki Doctor Light and his cohorts, Nick Fury Superman and his team will need all their powers to save the world from disaster.

Christian Bale has also just announced that he will both be in the film and not be in the film in accordance with his new adherence to the teachings of the Church of Latter Day Randy Quaids, the fastest growing religion ever.

The Justice League will be released in November, 2017.