JON FAVREAU TO DIRECT LIVE ACTION BOJACK HORSEMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Jon Favreau announces live action Bojack Horseman for 2019.

Jungle Book and Lion King director Jon Favreau today announced that a new live action version of Bojack Horseman will be his next project. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about the project.

Yeah, we’ve got Will Arnet and Aaron Paul to reprise their roles and we’re going to use Andy Serkis because apparently you’re not allowed to do anything with motion capture unless Andy is involved.

Why is that?

Fuck knows. It’s a kind of law.

So it’s going to be live action: how will that work?

It’s easy really. We film regular exteriors and interior with the actors, on location or in a studio and then we digitally paint over everything with animation and then we check it with the original until it’s almost exactly like it was on the cartoon. We’re going to be true to the original version as much as possible.

So why make it live action?

I’m not sure. It’s just the way my career is going.

Rough huh?

I honestly thought someone would have picked up Chef 2 by now. I have Anthony Bourdain writing the script, but the fucker’s not returning my calls.

Bojack Horseman will be in cinemas in 2019.

RUDYARD KIPLING PUBLISHES STATEMENT REQUESTING PEOPLE STOP FILMING HIS BOOKS

DELHI – Rudyard Kipling today issued a statement, requesting that filmmakers stop making films based on his books.

Author of The Man Who Would Be King and The Jungle Book, Rudyard Kipling today published a statement on his Instagram and Facebook pages. Essentially asking filmmakers to desist from making films based on his books, we publish the statement in its entirety below.

For an author to see his words imaged on the vast screens of the world’s dark picture palaces is – one would hazard a dream to cherish, nourish and enjoy. However, there is an indignity to the kind of visual literalism that has proceeded from the works I wrote all those decades ago; a vulgarity which never pertained to my original conception. I mean a fucking cartoon! Singing and dancing? Are you pulling my dead cold leg?

At least Andy Serkis endeavors to make a serious dramatic representation of my book, but why does it always have to be The Jungle Book? I mean Kim was by far the more interesting work. And there are thousands of pages that I produced which would merit some sort of dramatic manifestation. And yet no. Let us do the film about the talking snake and the little boy.

So please. I would like to request as forcefully as the literal dead white man which I am can, that you desist and leave me in peace. After all, there are so many other great works of literature. I don’t believe there has been a film of Pinocchio for at least twenty three days.

Mowgli is on Netflix.

MARY POPPINS RETURNS: PEOPLE STILL SHOCKED THAT DISNEY MAKE SEQUELS

HOLLYWOOD – In news that totally blindsided the internet yesterday it was announced that beloved Disney classic Mary Poppins would have a sequel, provisionally entitled Mary Poppins Returns.

It came out of a blue sky, a missile with an umbrella and a big bag full of an unbelievable amount of consternation. Mary Poppins Returns is actually going to happen and people lost their shit! Across Social Media the keening sound that Arab women make when mourning could be heard echoing across old London town. ‘It’s unbelievable,’ one irate blogger wrote.

How can Disney do this? Everyone knows that Mary Poppins is a unique story beloved of generations. Why ruin everything with an unnecessary, money grabbing sequel?

The shock was felt all the more keenly because Disney have never done such a thing in the past. Of course, there has been Aladdin 2: Jafar’s Revenge, Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride, The Rescuers Down Under, The Lion King 1 and a half, The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea, Bambi 2, Tarzan and Jane, Pocahontas 2: Journey to the New World,  The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2, Cinderella 2 and 3, 101 Dalmatians 2: Patch’s London Adventure, The Fox and the Hound 2, Kronk’s New Groove and so on. And that’s not to mention the Pixar sequels and Star Wars: the Force Awakens and so on and so forth. And it can’t be done well obviously as was proven by the recent live action remake of The Jungle Book which was critically lambasted oops sorry lauded. Of course, what really hurts is that this is taking a property from the writer PL Travers (played by Emma Thompson) that was unique and special and one of a kind. Along with the other seven books that she wrote in the series!

Emily Blunt will play Mary Poppins.

Mary Poppins Returns will be released in December, 2018.