LEN WISEMAN TO DIRECT WHERE EAGLES DARE REMAKE

 HOLLYWOOD – Shia LaBeouf and Jude Law are set to star in a Len Wiseman remake of the Second World War classic Where Eagles Dare, set to start filming in April 2019.

The action-packed snow-bound reboot will see Shia LaBeouf take the role Shaffer played by Clint Eastwood whereas Jude Law takes on the mantle of Richard Burton as Major Smith.
Len Wiseman ‘director’ says that the film will be an improvement on the original.

It’s like what we did with Clash of the Titans, which was basically a pile of embarrassing crud buckets. We always make a big show of loving the original and blah blah blah but we always and I mean ALWAYS think the original was a crock. Otherwise, why make a new one? Right?

Jude Law also took shots at the original: ‘The acting isn’t up to much. When you think about it, you have a great story and then who do you have as the main character Droney Dicky Burton. Even on a bad day I could shit Richard Burton. And Shia has already proved he’s a thousand times more charismatic than Eastwood.’

What do you think? Is everyone’s favorite Christmas war movie really a load of old piss flaps? Will Shia LaBeouf overtake Clint Eastwood as America’s most iconic leading man? Is Jude Law on drugs?

Where Eagles Dare will be released in 2020.

YOUNG POPE ACTUALLY KIND OF OLD

VATICAN – Young Pope not that young.

In the new HBO show Jude Law plays Lenny, the new American Pope. His election has come back from some serious House of Cardinals politicking by Silvio Orlando among others. He likes his fizzy drinks and he seems intent on upsetting all the old geezers. He’s sexy and they’re all repressed. But of course he isn’t actually that young. He’s not even a hip priest to quote British post-punk band The Fall. He’s a reactionary in many ways and possibly mad. The beginning of the show is impressive with Lenny in full regalia crawling from under a massive pile of babies onto Saint Mark’s Square in Venice. Like many things in the show it is a stunning visual moment. But like many things in the show, it seems to exist only to be a stunning visual moment. Paolo Sorrentino has already been guilty of the style over substance in The Great Beauty and the godawful Youth. Here, his quirk ethic sees him allow kangaroos to wander the Vatican and Diane Keaton’s maternal nun to wear a ‘Like a Virgin’ t-shirt not because that’s what they do but because it’s a witty visual joke.

I’m about halfway through the show and I don’t know whether or not to finish it. Law is good and the people surrounding him – with one or two Eurosoup exceptions – are of high calibre, but nothing seems to happen. And nothing seems to matter. With its claustrophobic powerplays it all ends up feeling a bit old hat.

The Young Pope is showing on HBO.

NEW KING ARTHUR FILM TO BE TOLD FROM THE ROUND TABLE’S PERSPECTIVE

HOLLYWOOD – Guy Ritchie’s new King Arthur film – Knights of the Round Table: King Arthur – is to tell the entire story of King Arthur from the perspective of the round table around which the knights of the Round Table sit.

Knights of the Round Table: King Arthur is to take an original look at the tale of King Arthur, shot entirely from the perspective of the Round Table. Director Guy Ritchie popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to eat some ‘pie and peas’ and natter about his new project:

At first I was not interested in doing King Arthur again. It didn’t seem like yesterday that there was that God awful Clive Owen movie, purporting to tell the true story of King Arthur. But when I read Joby Harold’s script I was blown away. The whole story is told from the first person perspective of the Round Table. It was such an original idea, I began to toy with the idea of actually doing it. But one thing worried me.

What was that?

Casting, obviously. Who would I get to ‘voice’ the table? Of course this is a tale of Bronze age valor so I was guessing that the table would have been made of some heavy wood, oak most likely. It was then that I happened to play squash with Jude Law and it hit me: Jude would perfect at playing a large lump of wood.

How is the story going to work?

The table is magic, you see. It’s what binds the Knights together. It’s why they are there really and Arthur (Charlie Hunman) finds it so useful in counseling him, that he had a hinge put in the middle, so he can fold it and take it with him on his quest for the Holy Grail and some of the later battles.

That’s genius!

I know right. So we get the table’s view of all the action as it happens. And there’s some comedy when they’re feasting and spilling stuff on it. And there’s a quite hot scene when Lancelot and Guinevere get intimate on the woodwork. And of course the table is torn wherever to say anything or not.

Knights of the Round Table: King Arthur will be released in 2016.

DAVID FINCHER PLANS EASTENDERS FOR HBO

 LONDON – David Fincher‘s relentless pursuit of good ideas, no matter where it takes him, continues with the announcement that his production company has bought the rights to British soap opera EastEnders which he will convert into a 13 part HBO series with a big name cast.

Following on from the success of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and House of Cards, Fincher has been channel surfing when not sending his winged monkeys to Scandinavia with their large sticky nets. Although originally in a bidding war with ABC for Coronation Street, Fincher finally succeeded in securing the rights to EastEnders and promised a top quality adult themed drama with top end star power and high production values.

‘It’ll be like Desperate Housewives,’ said Mr. Panic Room. ‘But the house wives will be British, have bad teeth and be really desperate. Like Desperately Sad Housewives. Hey you know Chico, write that down.’

Jude Law has already been cast as Dirty Den, and says he’s delighted and has perfected his German accent especially. Julianne Moore is in talks to play Angie and Tom Hiddleston will play carrot top Ian.

Five things to know about the BBC’s EastEnders.


  1. It’s set in London but not in the West End of London, nor the North, nor the South, but the East End.
  2. Traditionally EastEnders is thoroughly miserable, except at Christmas when it is traditionally extra super fucking miserable with at least one major cast member killing themselves. David Fincher praised the soap opera’s ‘unflinching stare into the abyss of British life’. 
  3. The theme music has been named by the Metropolitan Police as a major cause of Urban Crime. 
  4. Cast members have been known to run away to the army in order to avoid being in future episodes. One famous ‘actor’, Ross Kemp, even tried to get himself killed in Afghanistan.
  5. The new David Fincher series will be relocated to Hawaii. The East End of Hawaii.

 

JUDE LAW TO STAR IN GAME OF THRONES SEASON 5

HOLLYWOOD – Jude Law has revealed that he has a small but significant part in the upcoming Fifth season of award-winning HBO fantasy show Game of Thrones.

‘When I was approached by the producers I was really excited,’ said Mr. Law. ‘I really wanted to be a Lannister, because I have blond hair, they have blond hair. And which actor doesn’t want to play a great villain?’

Unfortunately, all the Lannister roles had already been taken and so the Alfie (shit remake) star had to make do with what was literally lying around. In season 5, Jude Law will play the Iron Throne. Writer, George R.R.R.R. Martin said that he had actually envisioned Law in the role when he was writing the books:

In my first draft the throne was called the wooden throne. And in this version I even had a picture of Jude Law above my desk to keep it in my head. I wanted the phone to be blank, unemotional, almost like a dead space. I changed it to iron and at that point I gave up on the idea of Jude Law but they’re going to do some CGI and make it iron-y.

Law – who appeared in Inception as a series of chairs –  says that he found the role stretched him to the full limits of his emotional range.

‘It isn’t just being sat on,’ he said. ‘It’s how you are sat on.’

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN ANNOUNCES NEW PROJECT: JENGA

LONDON – Christopher Nolan has chosen his follow up to the Dark Knight Rises: Jenga: the Motion Picture.

Nolan announced his decision in a written statement on beautiful velvety paper (lightly lemon scented) which read:

Ciao world!

I have decided after much consideration to follow up my wonderful Interstellar with a film which will be even more epic and even more personal. It is to be entitled Jenga and before you ask, oh, just like the wooden block puzzle game!? I shall say, exactly like that. In fact, it is identical to it. The film will be scripted by my brother Jonathan and scored by my sisters, Denise, Linda, Coleen and Bernadette with help of Hans Zimmer’s booming trombones.

The story is simplicity itself. A series of interlocking wooden realities are poised to achieve great altitude but the oblong necessities of life pattern require the extraction of rectangular solidity with a fluid and speedy motion, obtaining to the balance of the whole and allowing the sum of the parts to remain the same even as each of those parts in terms of truth value shifts defiantly along a vertical to  table axis. It is a story about balance, architecture, restraint and Michael Caine crying.

I have assembled the most wooden cast I could find, including Jude Law, Ryan Reynolds and Chris Pine, though the latter is purely for punning purposes. Orlando Bloom is also in talks with us.

I know that some will be disappointed by my decision, having kindly compared me to Stanley Kubrick and perhaps expecting me to take on a subject that is deeper, but I should remind such folk that I am a massive genius with a popular touch; a marvelous director, who can take the juvenile stupidity of Batman and create the high art of a Wagnerian opera cycle. I am committed to rendering the popular ephemera of life magical by cinematic art.

Plus Hasbro are going to pay sickeningly large amounts of money.

Signed

Christopher Nolan

Jenga: The Movie is due for release in 2016.

WES ANDERSON RUSHED TO HOSPITAL SUFFERING FROM QUIRK OVERDOSE

NEW YORK – Wes Anderson in possible quirk overdose.

The Royal Tenenbaums and Moonrise Kingdom director, Wes Anderson was rushed to the Cedar Pines intensive care unit on Long Island in the early hours of Sunday morning, suffering from an overdose of quirk.

Anderson had apparently been working on his new film The Grand Budapest Hotel which stars Edward Norton, Adrien Brody, Owen Wilson, Tilda Swinton, Ralph Fiennes, Jude Law, Soairse Ronan, F. Murray Abraham, Bob Balaban, Jason Schwartzman and Bill Murray, as a sadly hilarious figure.

Production Assistant Jennifer Tulls witnessed the director’s collapse:

We were filming a cross section of the hotel and in every room one of the characters is doing something unexpectedly weird and at the same time wryly amusing: someone’s painting Shetland ponies with blue stripes, Willem Dafoe is wearing a monocle and teaching Polish children the flute, someone else is making a pyramid of champagne glasses and Bill Murray is being a sadly hilarious figure. All of a sudden Wes just kind of started to vibrate.  

Bill Murray earlier today

The Syd Barrett song that was playing on the soundtrack was switched off and Mr. Anderson was briefly exposed to a newspaper, detailing growing tensions between Israel and Syria. ‘He seemed to be coming round but then Tilda Swinton leant over to ask how he was and he keeled over again,’ Ms. Tulls said.
The hospital issued a statement saying that:

Mr. Anderson is recovering from levels of quirkiness well above the maximum that the human body can tolerate. It is apparent that he has been taking a very high dosage for a sustained period of time. However, he is young and strong and should be able to make a full recovery provided he relents from people talking directly to camera, stories within stories, a mix tape soundtrack and Bill Murray playing a sadly hilarious character.

The French Dispatch out soon.

THE ALTERNATIVE 2013 BAFTA NOMINATIONS












The ‘Shakespeare in Love’ Award for Worst Picture (Sponsored by Pedigree Chum)

Prometheus
Prometheus
Prometheus
Prometheus
Friends With Kids


The Paul W.S. Anderson Award for Worst Director (Sponsored by Marmite)

Ridley Scott – Prometheus
Jennifer Westfeldt – Friends With Kids
Fernando Meirelles – 360
Jonathan Liebesman – Wrath of The Titans
Playing for Keeps – Gabriele Muccino

The Jude Law Award for Worst Actor (Sponsored by Ronseal)

Liam Neeson – Taken 2
Nicolas Cage – Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance/Stolen
Vince Vaughn – The Watch
Eddie Murphy – A Thousand Words
Matthew Fox – Alex Cross

The Julia Roberts Award for Worst Actress ( Sponsored by Tena Lady)

Katherine Heigl – One for the Money
Kate Beckinsdale – Underworld: Awakening
Rachel Weisz – 360
Uma Thurman – Bel Ami
Rosamund Pike – Wrath of the Titans

The ‘Prometheus bitter disappoint of the year award’ (Sponsored by Weyland Industries)

Prometheus

The ‘Nicole Kidman award for dodgy plastic surgery’ (sponsored by Chupa Chups)

Jennifer Westfeldt

The ‘Probably dead next year so let’s give them an award’ Award ( Sponsored by Interflora)

Anthony Hopkins

The ‘Dennis Quaid Award for Outstanding contribution to mediocrity’.(Sponsored by Wallmart)

Clive Owen






JUDE LAW’S SECRET CLOUD ATLAS ROLE

TORONTO – Anticipation gave way to bafflement when the hugely ambitious Cloud Atlas showed at Toronto earlier in September, but it still has some surprises left including a secret performance by ‘actor’ Jude Law.

The multi-narrative epic spans centuries and genres from nineteenth century period drama to modern day thrillers and finally science fiction craziness. Actors Tom Hanks, Halle Berry and Hugh Grant play multiple characters who even change race as they fit into each segment but one surprise has been left until last and that is the inclusion of Jude Law. He isn’t on the cast list, or the credit roll, but all the same Mr Law is on screen and – like Hanks and Berry – he too plays more than one role, but you can be forgiven for missing him.

 His performance is being acclaimed as a career best, but the humble Mr. Law shrugs it off. ‘I’m just playing myself,’ the Alfie star demurs. ‘It was easy.’

Cloud Atlas 2 is due for release in 2016