PAUL RUDD: ‘I WORSHIP SATAN’

LOS ANGELES – Ant Man Paul Rudd has become the latest in a long line of stars to declare their deep and abiding religious belief in the Prince of Darkness, Satan.

‘Hollywood can be a crazy place and being an actor can be a stressful occupation,’ the Ant Man and the Wasp star said smiling affably. ‘I find worshipping Satan brings me inner peace and centres me.’

Rudd’s conversion marks only the latest Hollywood star – Selena Gomez and Christian Slater have also recently declared themselves Satanists – in what is quickly becoming what many are calling the ‘New Scientology’. A new high tech and air conditioned Center for the Promotion of Beelzebub  has opened off Sunset Boulevard, where new celebrity devotees can gather and practice their various Black Masses and rituals.

Paul Rudd speaking from his Hollywood home said:

People think that it’s all worshiping upside down crucifixes, sacrificing babies and desecrating churches. Well I’ve never seen an upside down crucifix, but two out of three ain’t bad, ha ha ha!

Tom Cruise angrily responded to the claims that Satanism had now overtaken Scientology as the new nut-bag spiritual fad.

These people are weak minded and they’re being taken in by charlatans who are basically inventing a lot of gobbledegook that people like Ruddy are just swallowing whole. The main problem is it’s cheaper than Scientology.

Bishop Humbert Humbert of the Roman Catholic church however welcomed the surge in commitment:

What we should focus on here is the fact that these people believe in the same beings we believe in. We’ve been fighting against the wave of Godless atheism, so I frankly welcome Satanists as on our team. I’d rather have a Rudd than a Dawkins any day of the week.

What do you think? Are you a Satanist? Has anyone got video evidence of Paul Rudd eating a baby? Please post comments letting us know your thoughts.

JUDD APATOW SECURES MOVIE RIGHTS TO FIRE AND FURY: INSIDE THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE

HOLLYWOOD – Movie rights of Michael Wolff’s bestselling book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House have been sold to Judd Apatow.

Judd Apatow today confirmed that he has bought the rights to Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House. The book has topped best seller lists all over and has rocked the political world. Apatow spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the movie version:

It was a no-brainer that this was going to be a great film. Aside from the palace intrigue and the thousands of great moments that are packed into Michael’s book, it is also a flat out comedy. It turns out that we can do a gross out comedy in the style of Dirty Grandpa and it still be the most politically astute portrait of our times.

Who will play the role of Donald Trump?

Again a no-brainer! Alec Baldwin has essentially been auditioning for this movie, even before the movie existed. Other roles are going to be more challenging to fill. We don’t necessarily want to go completely Saturday Night Live. After all, this is also supposed to be a realistic account of what happens inside the corridors of power and we need to make that credible.

So who’ve you got?

We want the guy whose head melts in Raiders of the Lost Ark to play Stephen Miller and for KellyAnne Conway we’re looking for the Jim Henson workshop to give us something. We were modelling it on a Fraggle. Steve Bannon is a major character – Mel Gibson is a little old, but for sheer insanity James Woods would be perfect. Jared Kushner and Ivanka are going to be played by Sasha Baron Cohen in one of those half and half costumes, so that viewed in one profile he’ll be Jared and then he’ll turn around and he’ll be Ivanka.

Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House will be released in 2019.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT PAUL RUDD

HOLLYWOOD – Paul Rudd will soon be appearing in ANT-MAN, but what do we really know about the man?

Now, 5 FACTuals about Paul Rudd, actor and nice guy.

1. Paul Rudd made his name as the inventor of the popular tabletop game Jenga, which he developed with Steve Carrell, but then he gave away the patents to a children’s charity, because he didn’t think anyone should profit from humanity’s need to play stupid games way past the age when it makes sense.

2. Paul Rudd writes and directs all of Judd Apatow’s films, but he refuses to take any credit because a) he’s just such a nice guy and b) they’re all shit.

3. Paul Rudd is a fruitarian, but he won’t eat grapes because ‘they’re so cute.’ While preparing for Ant-Man, Paul ate nothing but watermelons, leading Edgar Wright to nickname him ‘Watermelon-Man.’ When a Marvel exec heard this, they assumed it was racist and fired Wright.  

4. To prepare for his role in “I Love You, Man,” Paul Rudd murdered fifteen homeless people.

5. Paul Rudd’s father was an airline pilot, and Paul traveled frequently with him. Once, when his father was drunk, Paul put the Boeing 747 into a spin, an event which became the real-life inspiration for the Denzel Washington film “Flight.”

For more FACTS Click Here.

GEORGE LUCAS ANNOUNCES CITIZEN KANE 2

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas today revealed that Citizen Kane 2 will be the first feature to be produced by his new project, In Space Productions.

Word has been flying around the industry for years that Lucas had been rabidly buying up film rights, with Adam Sandler’s back catalogue alone rumoured to have cost him in the region of $100 million dollars.

In Space have also signed a veritable who’s who of directors to helm their upcoming pictures with the likes of; Francis Ford Coppola, Alexander Payne, Michael Haneke and Woody Allen officially confirmed.

We spoke to George earlier today and asked him what we can expect from his new venture.

 

George, what can expect from this new venture?

Basically, In Space will remake old movies and set them in a different environment.

 

Such as?

Well, space, predominantly.

I see. So what inspired you to take this bold new direction?

I figured the Star Wars films are popular and they are set in space so it was kind of a no-brainer.

 

Interesting. I assume you have a list of films you plan to make over the coming years. Can you reveal what some of those titles are?

Sure. First up will be Citizen Kane in Space. Bruce Willis will play Kane, I’ll direct. Next up we have The Godfather in Space which is Coppola’s baby. We’re considering a CGI Marlon Brando in that but we need to get the go ahead from his estate. What else…Alexander Payne is doing the Wedding Singer in Space, Haneke Irreversible in Space and Woody is keen on remaking Annie Hall in Space.

 

Annie Hall in Space?

Yeah Woody has got this great idea. He’ll play a neurotic jewish astronaut and Diane Keaton will be his kooky robot love interest.

 

Amazing stuff. What else have you got lined up?

Well I’ve been talking to Judd Apatow about doing Dirty Dancing in Space and Hugh Jackman is working with a few writers to try and get a Seven Brides for Seven Brothers in Space off the ground. It’s early days though, and we’ve had so many people who have contacted us with ideas. It’s a matter of sifting through them and deciding what will work.

 

What about your old buddy Steven Spielberg. Will he be involved in some capacity?

I doubt it. I approached Steve and asked him if he’d be interested in making a Schindler’s List in Space but he got all offended and said it was morally wrong. Hopefully he’ll come around though as we recently received a great script for The Color Purple in Space which I ‘d love him to direct.

 

Exciting times George. Many Thanks

No problem.

 

Citizen Kane in Space’ is due for release in 2017

PAUL RUDD: ‘I WORSHIP SATAN’

LOS ANGELES – Paul Rudd has become the latest in a long line of stars to declare their deep and abiding religious belief in the Prince of Darkness, Satan.

‘Hollywood can be a crazy place and being an actor can be a stressful occupation,’ the This is Forty star said smiling affably. ‘I find worshipping Satan brings me inner peace and centres me.’

Rudd’s conversion marks only the latest Hollywood star – Selena Gomez and Christian Slater have also recently declared themselves Satanists – in what is quickly becoming what many are calling the ‘New Scientology’. A new high tech and air conditioned Center for the Promotion of Beelzebub  has opened off Sunset Boulevard, where new celebrity devotees can gather and practice their various Black Masses and rituals.

Paul Rudd speaking from his Hollywood home said:

People think that it’s all worshiping upside down crucifixes, sacrificing babies and desecrating churches, well I’ve never seen an upside down crucifix, but two out of three ain’t bad, ha ha ha!

Tom Cruise angrily responded to the claims that Satanism had now overtaken Scientology as the new nut-bag spiritual fad.

These people are weak minded and they’re being taken in by charlatans who are basically inventing a lot of gobbledegook that people like Ruddy are just swallowing whole. The main problem is it’s cheaper than Scientology.

Bishop Humbert Humbert of the Roman Catholic church however welcomed the surge in commitment:

What we should focus on here is the fact that these people believe in the same beings we believe in. We’ve been fighting against the wave of Godless atheism, so I frankly welcome Satanists as on our team. I’d rather have a Rudd than a Dawkins any day of the week.

What do you think? Are you a Satanist? Has anyone got video evidence of Paul Rudd eating a baby? Please post comments letting us know your thoughts.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO STAR IN HOLLYWOOD REMAKE OF UNDER THE SKIN

HOLLYWOOD – A re-make of Under the Skin is in ‘rapid turnaround’, according to industry insiders. Following the positive critical response to the sci-fi/sexual thriller, Hollywood took immediate note and looked to capitalize on the hot property.

We spoke to Scarlett Johansson who has sensationally been cast in the lead in this intriguing project.

It’s a real honor to even be considered for the lead in this project. The original Under the Skin is one of my favorite films this year so it’s a dream role.

How will this version differ from the original? 

It’s got to be its own thing you know? It’s like adapting a book. Certain things just don’t work in a big budget movie. So with that in mind I’ll be playing the main part as Black Widow, my character from the Marvel films. And it’ll be set in L.A. I don’t think people are ready for a two hour film set in bleak Glasgow housing estates and creepy Scottish valleys. The real meat of the story is there without all those contrivances.

And what about the radical format of the original? will you still be driving around trying to pick up non-actors and secretly filming them?

Hell no! Ha ha ha! How would that work? No, we’ve nailed a much more realistic approach where I drive around the back-lot of in-production movies in one of those little golf carts. So in one scene I just rock up to the set of a Judd Apatow movie and just start flirting with Seth Rogan and shit. That scene replaces the seduction of the man with facial disfigurement in the original…which, let’s face it, is just f*cking weird.

Well that does sound radical! And what of the other worldly motivations of the character? does she still have a somewhat nefarious agenda?

Ha ha ha ha! You talk funny! are you flirting with me buster? Ha ha ha! no, we ditched all that. No one wants to watch a character do things you don’t understand. In this version, we have a straight to camera narration to keep the thing grounded and she rates her ‘pick ups’ as she goes, it gives the film a bit more structure, and she sort of works her way up from sit-com losers to real movie star hotties too, so it’s more aspirational and will connect more with a young female audience. Now just walk towards me.

 Sure. I mean I have to go but… 

Shhhhh. Just keep on walking. Don’t look down. Almost there.

 Under Dat Skin will be released in 2016.