AFI ERASING JON VOIGHT

BREAKING NEWS – The AFI erasing Jon Voight from every film he has appeared in stems from his right wing defamatory comments released in videos over the last few years.

AFI ERASING JON VOIGHT – CANCEL CULTURE CLUB?

The controversial move came just hours after Voight released another right rambling video, demanding President Biden is impeached. Previous videos from the actor stated his support for Trump’s widespread election fraud baseless claims and ‘leftists’ were in league with Satan. The new AFI Chairperson, Pauly Shore said, “Look, we can’t put up with this kind of shit any longer. Yeah, yeah, freedom of speech, blah, blah. But come one, there’s limits. He’s just peddling conspiracy gibberish that’s triggering fuckwit fascists around the country. This shit has to stop.

AU REVOIR VOIGHT

We have taken the decision to basically remove this mother fucker from every film he’s ever been in. Ground-breaking new CGI technology means we have been able to remove his presence from any film he ever appeared in. To be honest, the results were even more positive than we’d hoped for.

TOM CRUISE RUNNING – NO CHANGE THERE

Runaway Train will now be about two people who are victims of mechanical failure on a train. Mission Impossible will be Tom Cruise running around looking confused for no reason, so no real change there. Coming Home will be a rom-com where Jane Fonda is obsessed with an empty wheelchair and falls in love with Bruce Dern, which is kinda nice. The Odessa file will be about a bunch of Nazis who eventually turn themselves in. And finally The Champ will now just be about a kid who gets really upset by a shadow boxing performance artist.

THE INVISIBLE MAN

Luckily, he’s done fuck all that anyone would want to see for the last 20 years, so we don’t even have to bother with anything modern. Seriously, who gives shit? Am I right? Am I right? We’ll put the films out as a box set, just to serve as a warning to any fucking celeb idiots out there. This shit will not stand, man.

THE ALT-VOIGHT BOX SET WILL SHORTLY BE AVAILABLE ONLINE

FRANCIS COPPOLA REANIMATES BRANDO

EXCLUSIVE – Francis Coppola reanimates Brando for Megalopolis. Yesterday the film world was stunned with the announcement that Coppola is stumping up his own vineyard-earned dough to make his passion project, Megalopolis. What many do not know is that the director has reanimated the corpse of Marlon Brando to join the already, star studded cast. The Exec caught up with Coppola in San Francisco to discuss the revelations.

 

Francis, is it true that you are finally making Megalopolis?

Fucking A, that’s right bubba. I’m finally getting this bird off the ground. I got the script, I got the cast and I got the frickin’ money baby. Let’s light this fucking candle!

 

We understand you have a stellar cast lined up?

You betcha. We got Oscar Isaac, Forest Whitaker, Cate Blanchett, Jon Voight, Jessica Lange and my old buddy, James End-Of-Fucking-Tweet Caan.

 


Wow, that really is an all-star cast.

Yeah it’s ok, I guess, but it’s missing something. Know what I mean?

 

I really don’t. What could that list be missing?

Assholes. Someone who’s gonna cost millions of dollars a week to hire. An actor who’ll hold up production because they refuse to read the fucking script and I’ll have to read it to them. Someone that could out-asshole Val Kilmer. I’m talking Marlon Grando-Brando.

 

I guess, if that’s what you want. It’s a pity he’s dead.

Is he though?

 

Huh?

What if I told you that a certain someone had perfected that technology to reanimate a corpse? And a certain someone has gone and reanimated another certain difficult movie star’s corpse. He’s going to have a major supporting role in Megalopolis as an under-lit, overweight shadowy psychopath who grumbles and mumbles incoherent bullshit. It’s the good old days all over again.

 

Are you saying that you, Francis Coppola Reanimates Brando for Megalopolis?

Look, today’s movie stars are so shit scared of offending anyone or doing anything that could get them cancelled. We need some fucking cojones on this shoot. Smashed mirrors, bloodied fists, drug addled musings and some downright fucking bad behavior. We need headlines. That’s what gets people into theatres these days. Gone are the days of just shooting a great movie when you’re up against fucking Marvel. Look at the shit Marty still gets for saying the truth! We need Brando to fuck a ton of shit up. Look, relax. Have a glass of my wine. You can hardly taste the anti-freeze.

 

Yeah ok then. Salute!

 

Megalopolis Starts Shooting Next Year.

BEST CANCELLED ACTOR OSCAR INTRODUCED

HOLLYWOOD – The Academy has announced next year will see a new Best Cancelled Actor Oscar introduced. The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar award will recognize actors who have gone out of their way to alienate, offend and even abuse while inexplicably remaining in the public eye.

 

The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar Goes To…

The award will be issued as a farewell gesture to the privileged world that is Hollywood. Therefor the recipient will accept their award with their face pixelated out. Their acceptance speech will be over-dubbed with Give Peace A Chance. And the disgraced actor will shuffle off stage to abject silence.


 

Mouth Breathers

The recipient will never be seen again in any legitimate mainstream production. Because most likely, they will appear in some right wing, batshit-crazy Baptist church funded production. These films will usually be about angels being real or talking dogs. There is always the option of them creating a YouTube channel. There they can rant about the satanic influence of liberalism and the Covid hoax. Websites are also a good option. They can sell merch to any slack jawed, gun owner who hates themselves enough to empathize with psychopaths. Or they might get a job on Fox News.


 

Favorite Assholes

There has been great speculation about who will be nominated. So the current front runners are: Kirstie Alley, Jon Voight, Kevin Sorbo, Scott Baio and Vincent Gallo. Gallo is the bookies’ favorite because bets are no longer being taken on him clutching the award at the end of the evening.

 

The Golden Asshole

The Academy has also announced a new lifetime achievement award. It’s for actors who despite being obviously vile, mysteriously continued to work. It will be known as The Golden Asshole Award. James Woods and Kevin Spacey will be jointly honored. They will receive statuettes of Harvey Weinstein’s asshole.

 

The Oscars Takes Place Next March

JON VOIGHT BACKS JOE BIDEN

HOLLYWOOD – In a shocking turn of events, Hollywood actor Jon Voight announced his backing for Joe Biden in the upcoming election.

Staunch conservative and Deliverance star, Jon Voight today announced that he would endorse former Vice President Joe Biden Jr. for President of the United States. Voight for many has been only one of few conservative voices in the Hollywood acting community. However, Hollywood was reeling when Voight announced via his personal YouTube channel his change of heart. He is his statement in full:

Fellow Americans. I wish today to announce that I endorse Joe Biden for President. And I do so in full knowledge that many will feel shock at this decision. To fully explain it, I’m afraid we’re going to have to go back to 1978 when I was filming a beautiful movie you may recall called The Champ. The film was a tough one. I went through a lot of physical training to get into shape. In order for the boxing to be realistic, we really went at it. At one point, my sparring partner hit me very hard and in falling I hit my head on a stool that had been carelessly left in the ring.

It was very similar to that scene in Clint’s Million Dollar Baby. Fortunately, although I had to go to hospital, the injury was not life threatening. However, my friends and family soon noticed a change in me. Prior to the injury I had been an opened minded, liberal thinking young actor, no different from many from my milieu. I even used words like milieu! But post head injury I became increasingly unhinged. I would talk non-stop about America, liberty, patriotism and the threat the Democrats posed.

Donald Trump

For many years my family did their best to hide my condition from the public. But the rise of Donald Trump triggered something in me. I became increasingly vocal, spouting all sorts of nonsensical guff when I wasn’t making Ray Donovan. I can only imagine what my co-stars and fans must have thought of the bilious tripe I spouted day after day. Well, as you might know I’m no longer the fresh faced scamp who made Midnight Cowboy. I’m 81. And as is common for one my age we tend to be unsteady on our pins. Yesterday, I had a fall as I was getting out of the hot tub and gave myself such a crack on the noggin, I can’t even… I yowled. There was blood everywhere.

Fortunately, the paramedics showed up and a scan at the hospital revealed an old lesion which had impeded brain function, according to the surgeon. The crack on the head had actually resolved that problem. Within hours, I began to hate immigrants less. By the next morning, I thought the universal health care was a right not a privilege. And as I was watching the latest Trump rally, a thought formed in my aching head: “Who is this asshole?”

It was my Damascene moment. The scales fell from my eyes. We have to do something about the environment.

I immediately realized I would have to publicly disavow my former political statements as the rantings of a very ill man. My only regret is that AOC isn’t running, but perhaps in four years, who knows? And so I urge you, my fellow Americans, for the sake of the Nation, vote Joe Biden and lets get back to less brain damaged times.

Jon Voight stars in the AMC TV movie Woody Guthrie: Bound for Glory.

JON VOIGHT PENS LETTER TO VLADIMIR PUTIN

HOLLYWOOD –

Dear Vladimir Putin,

I’m Jon Voight and I am more than angry. I am genuinely furious. I mean, what the f*ck do you think you’re doing Vladimir? Seriously? Stirring up all that shit in the Ukraine and then a passenger jet gets shot down. As if the Malaysians didn’t have enough to put up with without you causing them even more grief. I’m so angry with you I can hardly even speak.  Continue reading “JON VOIGHT PENS LETTER TO VLADIMIR PUTIN”

OBAMA RESPONDS TO JON VOIGHT

HOLLYWOOD – President Barack Obama has responded to Oscar winning actor Jon Voight who attacked him earlier this week on Fox News show Huckabee. Voight read a statement criticizing the President on Iraq, Benghazi and immigration, as well as tearing up about the next generation and bringing back America. 

The White House issued the following statement on behalf of the President:

I respect Mr. Jon Voight for his wonderful performances in Deliverance and Midnight Cowboy, and I absolutely defend his right to express his criticism of my administration. However, let me say this. I have also seen Ray Donovan and that I didn’t like so much. I’m not a TV critic but it seemed to me sub-par. Now Mr. Voight brought up some very important questions about our relationship with Israel, but I have to say his appearance on Lara Croft, Mission Impossible, Transformers and Pearl Harbor have all been one note and frankly forgettable. So yes Jon, let’s open a dialogue about immigration, but let’s also remember that you voiced one of the main characters of Bratz: the Movie and that, my friend, is what history will remember.

Jon Voight was unavailable for comment.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ANGELINA JOLIE

HOLLYWOOD – With Maleficent out in theatres this weekend, the question on everyone’s lips is who is this Angelina Jolie? Where does she come from and what does she do? Well, the Studio Exec FACT Team have answered the clarion call.

1. Angelina Jolie is/isn’t married to Brad Pitt. She first met Pitt on the hit show Friends where she played Rachel.

2. Jolie in French means ‘pretty’. So in French, Angelina Jolie actually means ‘Pretty Little Angel’.

3. Angelina Jolie once played Lara Croft, a character who initially appeared in a computer game.  A croft is a small plot of land on which sheep are grazed.  Sheep are unfamiliar with the inner workings of computers.

 4. Angelina Jolie’s first breakout role was in the film Girl Interrupted starring Winona Ryder. The two actress got on so well they invented their own private language and use it to this day to speak to each other and share nasty jokes about Jennifer Aniston.  

5. Angelina Jolie’s father is Jon Voigt. They get on great.

For more FACTS click here.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN OVERDOSES ON IRONY

CHICAGO – Veteran and award winning actor Christopher Walken was rushed to hospital early this morning, having taken a suspected overdose of a deadly cocktail of irony and self-parody.”

He’s been doing SNL sketches for years,” said pal, Jon Voight, “But they have this Funny or Die stuff, ‘Cooking with Christopher Walken’, and that stuff is fucking lethal.”
Family members knew that he had been working with the Muppets, but thought that it was for back pain and were not overly concerned. In the past, Christopher Walken has also appeared in a Todd Soldenz movie.

“Now,” said Robert De Niro, “we can see that for what it really was, a cry for help.”

Having accrued a body of cult films like Dogs of War and The King of New York, and some all-out classics like The Funeral and The Deer Hunter, Christopher Walken has more recently been taking the piss.

Alan Arkin is expected to be playing all his roles until Walken is well enough to return to serious acting.

Jersey Boys will be released in 2014.

THE BURT REYNOLDS DIARIES: 1

HOLLYWOOD – Studio Exec has laid its grubby hands on the unpublished dairies of actor and heterosexual moustache wearer Burt Reynolds and we are going to publish and be damned.

 February 1971
Johnny Boorman comes over: wants to make a film of the James Dickey book.- ‘I want you to a grow a moustache,’ says Johnny. I tell him I ain’t a homo and that’s the end of that conversation.


March 1971
We’re shooting this Summer. The cast is beginning to take shape. Jon Voight is coming round and we’re going to bond as men. I’ve been practising my archery. I keep looking at my upper lip. It does look  kinda bare.

12 May 1971

Johnny Boorman is winding up Dickey, who’s an asshole by the way. Keeps telling him he wants to film the novel as a musical. He shoots this scenes with banjos and Dickey goes ape shit and starts yelling, punches Johnny in the face. Poor bastard has to get some serious dental work. ‘I was only kidding,’ Johnny tells me. ‘But now that fuckers going in the movie.’

17 May 1971
I keep winding Jon Voigt up. He’s just become a dad and he brings little Angelina on the set. I tell him she’s gonna break hearts and he looks at her, ‘What? This ugly little pug dog?’ I swear to God she’s the ugliest baby I ever saw.

21 May 1971
I gotta say first off, rape is never a subject for jokes. Ever. But Ned Beatty getting raped. We were howling. These hill-billies Johnny is using – they’re the real thing. Johnny says okay ‘one last one, make it real.’ And they start in on poor Ned, making him squeal like a pig and all that and he’s squealing and they’re going at it, but I guess they don’t what acting really is, cause one of them just gets it out and sticks it in, as quick as greased lightning. Well, Ned’s screaming cut and we’re falling around laughing. I loose off an arrow and hit James Dickey in the throat. I know for damned sure that’s the take that Johnny’s gonna use.