PRESIDENT OBAMA TO REPLACE TREVOR NOAH ON THE DAILY SHOW

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama is to take over from Trevor Noah as host of the Daily Show early next year.

Following eight massively successful gigs at the Annual Correspondents Dinner in Washington President Obama is ready for the big time. Ever since Jon Stewart left, The Daily Show has been treading water. South African host Trevor Noah has valiantly tried to take on what many saw as an impossible job, but now it looks as though he was basically keeping the seat warm as President Obama finished his official duties.

President Obama spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

I won’t deny it. I’ve really enjoyed the times I’ve been allowed to let loose with some jokes. The dinners have been the highlight of my presidency. I mean Killing Osama Bin Laden was one thing, but killing it is another thing altogether.

Who are your comic heroes?

Well, I won’t deny that I am a huge fan of Jon Stewart obviously, but I also go back to Richard Pryor as my all out hero. He is the best. Bill Hicks and Louis CK as well as George Carlin are close but it is Richie who really got me into listening to comedy albums. He’s just so raw and true. And he’s lived the life if you know what I mean.

The Daily Show with Barack Obama will broadcast in January 2017.

 

TREVOR NOAH: ‘JON STEWART WAS SH*T’

NEW YORK – Replacing Jon Stewart as the host of The Daily Show was always going to be difficult bu Trevor Noah got off to a confident start, stating boldly ‘Jon Stewart was sh*t’ before tearing off his shirt and trousers and running around the studio practically naked.

Following an audible gasp from the audience, Trevor Noah went on to say in his first opening monologue as host:

Jon Stewart was yesterday’s man. He was rubbish. I’ve seen funnier dentists. Everything he said was wrong and dull, filled with mediocre analysis and second hand Groucho Marx schtick. [High-pitched mimicky voice] ‘I’m Jon Stewart, I’m Jon Stewart’. And now I have to sit in his chair and I have to tell you, it’s sticky. I, Trevor Noah, am much better. I’m the best. You won’t find anyone funnier than me. And I know my politics. What about that Pope? Huh!

At which point the South African host stripped off and went for a run around the studio audience. Things only got worse when the time came to interview his guest Kevin Hart. Noah set about the interview in what many considered an overly aggressive choke hold, before forcing Hart to sing an improvised song of praise to Noah himself to the theme music from Hart to Hart. Variety claimed that the debut was ‘eccentric but promising’, whereas Deadline said that the sight of the naked South African comedian throttling his guests was ‘refreshing’.

Trevor Noah will continue his Daily Show tenure.

JON STEWART JOINS FOX & FRIENDS

NEW YORK – Following his departure at The Daily Show, host Jon Stewart has revealed that he will be joining the popular Fox News show Fox & Friends.

Speculation ran rife about Jon Stewart’s future plans when the popular comedian announced that he was leaving The Daily Show. The smart money was on a new career as a film director following the critical success of his debut film “Rosewater.” And so it came as a shock to many in the liberal media establishment when it was revealed today that Jon will be joining the popular morning show Fox & Friends. He explained EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I am someone who enjoys challenges and change. As host of The Daily Show, I am always surrounded by intelligent people who really care about what they are doing. So I wondered to myself—What would it be like working with a bunch of callous hacks? That’s when I got the offer from Fox. Originally the idea was to cohost a show with Bill O’Reilly, but Bill put his foot down because he gets nervous around intelligence.

Jon’s new colleagues say they are delighted to have him on board. Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade spoke in robotic unison to the Studio Exec:

We are delighted to have Stewart join us on the Fox couch. As watching other channels is illegal for Fox employees, we’ve heard through the grapevine that some of his work is popular with people, and we are the people’s network, so we should all get along just fine. He’ll have to go easy on the factual stuff and the thinking-about-things habit, but other than that we think he’ll really enjoy our cooking segments and introducing our popular music guests like Pat Benatar.

In related news, incoming host Trevor Noah tweeted that ‘Jewish women are ugly #jk’.

Fox & Friends with Jon Stewart will begin broadcasting in the next few weeks.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor

J.J. ABRAMS DECAPITATED MAKING FORCE AWAKENS

HOLLYWOOD – During an in-depth interview with Jon Stewart on the Daily Show, J.J. Abrams revealed that he was decapitated during the shooting of Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

The making of Star Wars: The Force Awakens was not easy. Secrecy surrounded the set, Harrison Ford broke his left leg and now we know that director J.J. Abrams had his head severed from his body during a bizarre on set accident. In a ten minute interview with Daily Show host Jon Stewart, the ardent Star Wars fan asked Abrams about the shoot and got this surprising answer:

When Harrison was hurt, a piece of the set had fallen on his I was the nearest to him so I leaped forward to rescue him, or see how he was, because it looked bad when it happened, I can tell you. I didn’t see Adam Driver was playing with his light sabre and he was still in character. As I ran forward, he swept an arc with the laser sword and unfortunately I ran straight into it and it took my head from my shoulders in one fell swoop.

A shocked Stewart asks how he could have survived.

As you know, we were shooting in Britain and I have to say socialized medicine is the best. One of our grips stuck some gaffer tape on and we rode to the hospital with my hand on the top my head trying to keep it balanced, though those roads in England … bumpy. But I have to say the NHS doctors and nurses are wow. And they’re British so they’re all Monty Python on my ass. ‘T’is but a scratch.’ They sewed it back on in no time, used a bit of glue and I had these staples. No football for two weeks and I was as good as new.

Star Wars: The Force will be released in December.

ANDREW DICE CLAY TO TAKE OVER THE DAILY SHOW

HOLLYWOOD – Following Jon Stewart’s departure and the controversy surrounding Trevor Noah, Comedy Central has decided that Andrew Dice Clay will be taking over the job of hosting The Daily Show.

Andrew Dice Clay was named as Jon Stewart’s replacement on The Daily Show by a spokesperson for Comedy Central:

Andrew Dice Clay is a safe pair of hands, a veteran comic who we fill will take The Daily Show which Jon Stewart has revolutionized and take it on to ever greater heights. The Diceman also appeals to an older demographic and so perhaps we can win over a new audience to the show.

What about Trevor Noah?

Trevor Noah is a wonderful comedian and will stay on the show, but in what capacity we’re not yet fully decided.

Did this have anything to do with the twitter controversy?

Absolutely. Not. No. Actually, maybe yes. In a strange way perhaps yes. You see when we read Trevor’s jokes about Jews and women, a light went on and we thought ‘huh!? what if we took the show in that direction?’ Of course, if we’re going to do salty humor and racial stereotyping then there’s no point going off at it half-cocked and Andrew Dice Clay immediately came into the mix, as the gay chef said to the restaurant critic who had given him a bad review of his cake… wait I’m not a comedian. You should probably leave that out.

The Daily Show returns with Andrew Dice Clay on Friday.

MODERN FAMILY STARS ASK EMMYS TO STOP REWARDING SHOW

HOLLYWOOD – In a shock statement the stars of Modern Family have requested the Emmys stop rewarding them.

‘It’s getting embarrassing,’ said Ed O’Neill, who plays ageing patriarch Jay. ‘We have to walk past Larry David and Louis CK to pick up this award every year and I just can’t look them in the eyes.’

‘Enough already,’ said Ty Burrell who plays Phil Dunphy. ‘It’s actually making people hate the show. I’d vote for Community, but it doesn’t even get a nomination. That’s just such BS.’

Christopher Lloyd one of the show’s creators said late last night:

I created the Goddamn show and I can tell you it is not that good. There are other shows. Jesus. I mean the documentary thing for a start. That’s just a lame rip off of The Office and we’ve never been able to get shot of it. You put that beside the innovation of Louis CK or Veep or Community… Enough already.

Jon Stewart also bashed the awards as The Daily Show won its tenth (TENTH!) consecutive Emmy for outstanding variety show, beating Real Time with Bill Maher.

A Modern Family Movie is due for release in 2017.