HOLLYWOOD – The British Ex-Pat actors club – The Jolly Bastards – is once more active, according to Simon Pegg.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec the Star Trek and Shaun of the Dead actor Simon Pegg has revealed how the British ex-pat bad behavior club ‘The Jolly Bastards’ has once more been reconvened:
The Jolly Bastards is meeting once more in Los Angeles and has opened branches also in New York and Toronto. They get together and spread mayhem, sometimes leading directly to the damage of property and the loss of life and then escape any kind of punishment because they have such lovely accents.
Historically the Jolly Bastards were at the height of their powers in the 1980s with the likes of Rupert Everett, Charles Dance and Helena Bonham Carter ruling the Den as den mother. Following several high-profile murders in which members of the Jolly Bastards were actually found at the crime scene their hands ‘dipped in ruby gore’, as the police report stated, no one was charged due to ‘a great way with words’. More recently however fears have grown that the Jolly Bastards have returned. Benedict Cumberbatch is suspected of JB activities and when Tom Hiddleston kicked the head off of a swan in London two years ago, the Jolly Bastards were once more blamed. Emilia Clarke from Game of Thrones is supposed to be the new den mother with her lackeys committing crimes at her villainous behest.
Simon Pegg has long been outspoken about the activities of compatriots but ‘only because I want to join’ as he admitted to the Studio Exec.
THE IMITATION GAME: REVIEW – Maths boffin Alan Turing (Benedict Cumberbatch) invents the computer, wins World War Two and escapes marriage with Keira Knightley.
The problem with posthumous fame is you’re f*cking dead. Turing was a genius, a genuine innovator and thinker whose ability to solve problems was instrumental in cracking the Enigma code and bringing the war to an early close, saving millions of lives. It is difficult to overstate his achievements, especially in a society which chooses to deify a marketing wonk like Steve Jobs. Of course, he didn’t expect a medal, such is the nature of espionage and he knew the territory. The secrecy continued because MI6 carefully captured as many Enigma machines as it could following the war and doled them out to allies who – unaware that the code had been broken – used them for sensitive communications to the delight of MI6. Turing’s lack of fame was turned to infamy when he was charged with gross indecency – homosexuality – (BTW can we appropriate ‘gross indecency’; I like the ring of it) and offered the choice of two years in jail or chemical castration. His death soon after was shrouded in some suspicion – was he bumped off, or was it suicide? One way or another there has been a lingering sense of injustice, that a man who gave so much to his country was let down by that same country.
No Google doodle can redress such wrong, nor even the royal pardon he received from Queen Elizabeth II (and doesn’t a pardon still recognize the legitimacy of the unjust law?), but what about a Benedict Cumberbatch movie?
Well, first of this is a handsomely made, well acted and entertaining drama in on-going series to show how Great Britain won the war, overcoming speech impediments, social embarrassment and floppy hair along the way. It’s like The King’s Speech with hard sums. Cumberbatch is proving himself the genuine article, a fine character actor and Keira Knightley as Joan Clarke, as a colleague and confidant, is not annoying! Matthew Goode as the more socially able boffin Hugh Alexander. It’s a pity that Charles Dance’s Admiral Dennison becomes the villain, considering he also was responsible for facilitating the success of the code-breakers and the antagonism is an invention of the filmmakers. More seriously, an invented subplot featuring Soviet mole John Cairncross is poorly thought out. Cairncross never worked with Turing and the suggestion that Turing knew of his activity both does a gross disservice to Turing (making him in effect party to treachery) and enforcing the prejudice that homosexuals are open to just such blackmail and therefore shouldn’t be employed in the service of the country.
These objections are not trivial, especially for a man who was so maligned and shabbily treated. However, that said,
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HOLLYWOOD – It’s The Golden Globes this Sunday and so the Studio Exec FACT squad has kicked into gear to issue you with five FACTS about the mysterious and little known award ceremony and what it means for you.
1. No one gives a shit about The Golden Globes.
2. The name for the Golden Globes was originally taken from the first draft of Russ Meyer’s unmade James Bond film. In the film, 007 does combat with a villain who is endowed with a massive pair of Golden Testicles. This was changed to a penis and from thence to a finger. Mike Myers later claimed that one of his films was inspired by Meyers’ unmade masterpiece. Which one? That’s right, Wayne’s World.
3. Kevin James has never won a Golden Globe. Or an Oscar. But he will win both. And when he does the seventh seal will be broken.
4. When Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes there was a distinct danger they could become entertaining. Thankfully, he has since been removed.
5. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association pretend to host the Golden Globes, but really the Globes are run by a Masonic Cult with connections to a British Actor’s Ex-Pat club popularly known as the Jolly Bastards. The Jolly Bastards have allegedly committed a series of crimes – including murder, abduction, drug smuggling and animal cruelty – though no charges have ever been leveled because of their sophisticated accents and dry self-deprecating sense of humor. Hugh Laurie is the present president and denies everything glibly.
The Golden Globes will be broadcasting live at 5 pm PT and 8pm ET on NBC.
HOLLYWOOD – Oscar winner and Knight Bachelor of the British Empire Sir Ben Kingsley today admitted that he is a dog fighting addict.
The Gandhi star, Ben Kingsley, told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
I know it is indefensible, but the rush of blood that I get when I see two canines, with razor sharp teeth, goaded by large men in black bomber jackets in a derelict industrial waste site in South East Wales, snarling and snapping and fighting to the death… I mean winning the Oscar for Gandhi was a high, but this is higher.
The Mandarin confessed that his love of dog fighting started while he was researching his role as foul mouthed gangster Don Logan in 2000’s Sexy Beast.
It was a way of entering into the mind of Don and the idiom that he inhabits. But once the film was made and I usually shrug off the character like an old coat, I found myself at the docks watching two pit bulls savage each other while I bayed like a frenzied animal myself.
Kingsley confessed that he had been seeking aid from an RSPCA group dedicated to helping Dog Fight Addicts to ween themselves off the habit. A spokesperson for the group said that ‘Sir Ben is a welcome member of the group and is sincere in his wish to do away with this horrific form of entertainment. He has also regaled us with many an amusing anecdote from the worlds of stage and screen.’
Love of dog fighting has also been a traditional trait of the ex-pats actors’ club the Jolly Bastards, who many blame for spreading riotous and immoral behavior among the finest thespians, including Charles Dance, Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch. Kingsley was a member of the club for a couple of years in the early eighties but turned whistle-blower after Alan Rickman murdered a dolphin for a jape.
Sir Ben Kingsley will be seen in 2015 in The Jungle Book.
LONDON – Actor and inexplicable heartthrob Tom Hiddleston was arrested today in Central London, accused of having killed a swan.
Mr. Hiddleston – made famous for his role as Loki in The Avengers and Thor – was apparently walking in Hyde Park with some friends. Upon spotting the swan, Mr. Hiddleston’s whole demeanour is said to have changed.
‘His eyes burned with a fiery intensity and a long string of drool dripped from the corner of his mouth,’ said a bizarrely articulate eyewitness. ‘Then he dashed straight into the pond and tore its head off with his bare hands.’
Accounts differ slightly in regard to the actual attack, as some say the actor bit the head off and one witness, a greens keeper, said the young actor kicked its head off. ‘It went flying through the air, gore sprinkling and a look of surprise in its little black eyes,’ said Mr. Thunk.
As all swans in England belong to the Queen, Mr. Hiddleston could be in a great deal of trouble should the charges be proven against him.
‘The penalty for killing a swan on the books is death,’ said a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police. ‘It is one of the few remaining capital crimes left on the books, along with treason and setting fire to Her Majesty’s shipyards. Something she despises.’
Friends of Mr. Hiddleston have rallied round and decided en masse to go to the theater tonight to take their minds off the ghastly unpleasantness.
HOLLYWOOD – Popular rock music group U2 have announced they are to sue Benedict Cumberbatch for photobombing them at the Oscars.
Humorless lead singer Bono spoke EXCLUSIVELY about Benedict Cumberbatch unwanted incursion the Studio Exec this morning:
We’d got dressed up for the Oscars, and Adam and Edge were really, really excited. We all put on our serious faces, because we like to look quite serious and when I smile I look like a bit of a turnip. The photographers snapped away and we were really happy. I turned to Edge and said, ‘That’ll be a good one’. But when I got up the next morning I was horrified to see Sherlock Holmes jumping behind us like a pillock.
Edge added with a dour tone to his voice like a child trying not to cry:
As you may or may not know, myself and Bono and the rest of U2 are actually Irish. So bombing of any kind, even photobombing is in very poor taste. I’d worn my special hat so as you can imagine the whole evening was ruined.
Noted Jolly Bastard Mr. Cumberbatch laughed when told of the impending law suit, and issued a statement through his lawyers that stated simply:
I don’t give a toss.
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HOLLYWOOD -British character actors Ray Winstone and Tom Wilkinson were arrested in the early hours of Friday morning when police found the pair battered and bloodied having apparently fought in a car park behind Barnie’s Burger Grill in West Hollywood.
Friends of the two actors immediately leaped to their defense saying that bare knuckle fights were a regular occurrence.
Richard E. Grant, who arrived at the police station to bail out his friends, spoke to waiting reporters:
Tom and Ray are best of friends, even though they are often up for the same roles. A party isn’t a party for the Jolly Bastards if at some point Ray and Tom don’t strip down to their undies and go at it, like they were back at the illegal East End boxing clubs where they first made their reputations. The number of times I’ve had to sew Ray’s ear back on…!
However, some witnesses said the fight seemed anything but friendly. Barnie’s regular, Donna Flagrance said:
The limey began to rail at the other limey, something about why doesn’t he get on Noah’s boat and wouldn’t let up, though the other limey was getting obviously upset and started shouting something about wanting ‘The Full Monty’. Before anyone could stop them they had both stripped down to their knickers and were knocking the stuffing out of each other.
Ray Winstone and Tom Wilkinson both refused to talk with the press but have been cautioned.
HOLLYWOOD – You’ll know her as Daenerys Targarayen on HBO’s Game of Thrones, but British born actress Emilia Clarke today was enrolled as the Lodge Mother of the Ex-Pat British Actors Club, The Jolly Bastards.
At a ceremony at exclusive Santa Monica restaurant Chinois on Main, Jolly Bastards President Benedict Cumberbatch said that everyone was ‘frightfully thrilled at the news’:
Emilia has a pair of stunning eyebrows and we’re all going to have a lot of fun getting up to high jinks and japes over here in our favorite former colony, America-landia. And so say all of us!
The Jolly Bastards was originally formed in the 1960s by Cary Grant and David Niven, but through the years has become the gang of choice for former UK thespians living in La-La Land. Ms. Clarke was introduced to the group by fellow Game of Thrones star and long time Jolly Bastard Charles Dance. Other members include Tom Hiddleston and Alan Rickman.
The group has caused some controversy in the past as it has allegedly (actually self-confessedly) been involved in a number of crimes including Swan murder, but which the LAPD have declined to investigate because the perpetrators ‘have such charming accents.’
The mayhem is likely to only increase with the glorious Ms. Clarke now counted alongside Carey Mulligan and Judi Dench in the female wing of the group.
For more on the Jolly Bastards be so good as to CLICK HERE.
LONDON – ‘The nightmare is over,’ said a beaming Tom Hiddleston, on the steps of a London courthouse. The case which began two weeks ago saw the Avengers star accused of having murdered a swan in Hyde Park a month ago.
The prosecution case seemed unassailable. A number of eye witnesses testified to having seen Mr. Hiddleston kill the swan, although there was some confusion as to how he killed the swan. Some said that he killed the swan by kicking its head off; some said he killed the swan by biting its head off and some said he killed the swan by throttling it with his bare hands, but one fact was absolutely certain, they had all seen Tom Hiddleston kill a swan. Plus there was the police report and forensics on the body of one male swan (decapitated).
The consequences could have been very grim, as in England swans are legally the property of the monarch and, as a crime against the Queen, Hiddleston if had been found guilty would have faced a further charge of treason, carrying the possibility of the ultimate sanction. However, Hiddleston listened to the prosecution’s case unmoved, before insisting on conducting his own defence. When called to present his case he put on a special hat and held a staff of some kind at which point everything he said seemed to be utterly reasonable and true. He argued there was no swan, he did not even think swans existed and he had not killed it. His eyes burnt with a fierce malevolent intensity.
|Court artist’s impression
The jury immediately pronounced him innocent and the judge – from a kneeling position – expressed his deep regret at his supreme overlord being in any way inconvenienced. The prosecution – who were now weeping and gibbering – also begged for mercy. Once Mr. Hiddleston had left the court room to greet the press on the steps of the court, everyone inside felt as if they had just awoken from a deep restful sleep and had only a vague memory of what happened. Father Ewan MacGregor – President of the Swan Protection League – condemned the judgement as being ‘obviously the result of mind manipulation’. However, Hiddleston’s friend and charter member of the Hollywood gang the Jolly Bastards, Benedict Cumberbatch said that it was time people allowed that swans were dirty vermin and their murder completely justified.
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LONDON- Reports this morning from London, England, that Benedict Cumberbatch was somehow involved in the Tom Hiddleston swan murder incident are being strongly denied by the actor’s representatives.
A spokesperson for Benedict Cumberbatch said:
Thousands of children are killed ever single second by a swan, or something, and all the media and the police have to do all day is persecute thin young thespians of almost ethereal beauty.
Cumberbatch is currently putting the finishing touches on his performance as Smaug in Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit: Seriously Who Gives a F*ck and was unavailable to comment. It is believed that although the Star Trek actor was not present at the time Mr. Tom Hiddleston allegedly killed a swan in London’s St. James Park, he did instigate the attack by belonging to an old English actor’s club called The Jolly Bastards.
Sources from the prosecution have revealed that there is a text from Cumberbatch to Hiddleston which states explicitly: ‘Go on! Kick its fcking head off LOL #JollyBastards’.
Charles Dance – the spokesman for The Jolly Bastards and an unrepentant advocate of murder – said:
‘The kicking off of a swan’s head has long been the initiation ceremony of choice for the Jolly Bastards,’ says noted Jolly Bastard’s historian Patrice Clamp. ‘Here we see a classic example of a senior member – or Spunker as they’re known – controlling the actions of an apprentice or Sprat.’
So far no charges have been formally made but watch this space and follow us on Twitter for more news as it comes in.