JOHNNY KNOXVILLE EVAPORATES

HOLLYWOOD – Fans of movies everywhere breathed a sigh of relief as news arrived that Jackass star Johnny Knoxville has evaporated.

The evaporation of Johnny Knoxville took place last night in a private ceremony attended by some friends and family members. A witness told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about what went on in those fateful hours:

Johnny has been getting fainter and fainter and then it became obvious that he was just not going to retain his solid form. There was a hope that following The Last Stand with Arnold Schwarzenegger that Johnny would corner the market in the kind of crazy comedic roles a young Christopher Lloyd might have picked up. But when that became increasingly unlikely Johnny just became so steamed. And I mean that literally.

To say Johnny Knoxville was one of the finest actors of our generation would be a deliberate untruth. He first came to fame with the Jackass TV series which then became a movie franchise. More conventional film roles however garnered little in critical and commercial success, including a remake of Dukes of Hazzard which was called by all who saw it ‘an unwiped hole’.

Although rare evaporation is not unknown in Hollywood. Mickey Rooney evaporated in 1975 only to condense two years later and continue his career unharmed.

Johnny Knoxville will next be seen on a window pane or a cloud or a rainbow.

FURY AS DUKES OF HAZZARD REMAKE TO BE HETEROSEXUAL

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the news that NBC plan to make a gay centered version of “Hart to Hart”, it was revealed today that “Dukes of Hazzard” would also have its sexuality realigned this time making it into a heterosexual show!

The Dukes of Hazzard has long been praised as a pioneer in its portrayal of genteel Southern hospitality, gay sexuality and inter-cousin relationships.  In its original run from 1979 to 1985, the Bo (Tom Wopat) and Luke Duke (John Schnieder) were husband and husband, who with their cousin Daisy (Catherine Bach), good-naturedly fought the ingrained bigotry of the South as represented by Boss Hogg and his fascist police force, ironically re-appropriating the Confederate flag as an image of their rebellion. The Waylon Jennings theme song ‘Good Ol’ Boys’ was a heartfelt plea for tolerance: ‘Making their way, They only way they know how// Which is a little more, than the law will allow’.

In the new version, Bo and Luke will be brothers and they will concentrate less on loving each other and more on being racist. An insider working on the remake told the Studio Exec:

Everyone was very disappointed with the movie that was made. First of all there was the complete change of the homosexuality and then their was that ass-wipe Johnny Knoxville. I’ve not met one single person who likes that guy. Anyway, when we came to look at the idea of reviving the show we decided that we could perhaps continue with the heterosexuality and move into racism as well. What with the Duke Dynasty fellows and Paula Deen, not to mention our next president Donald Trump, there’s a buck in this racism lark!

However, many fans are furious at the proposed changes. One Dukes of Hazzard blogger, HazzardCountyPop23 wrote:

The sexual frisson was what made the show. Take that away and make them brothers and you might as well set it in Kentucky!

It should also be noted that this new version has nothing to do with the cancelled Bill Cosby show that was planned earlier this year (CLICK HERE for that story).

The Dukes of Hazzard Ride Again will be broadcast next year.

LAST COPY OF MOVIE 43 DESTROYED

UTAH – At 4:33 AM in a field in Utah, the last copy of Movie 43 was successfully destroyed.

The comedy sketch film masterminded by Peter Farrrelly and starring a host of Hollywood stars and Johnny Knoxville, has become notorious in the history of cinema as the only work of Hollywood cinema to have been issued with a warrant by the European Courts of Human Rights and to have been named in a UN resolution which called for its elimination and referred to the film explicitly as ‘a crime against humanity’.

The destruction of the move was also widely supported by the actors who appeared in the film and who indeed published a letter in the New York Times calling for ‘the swift erasure of the blot on the history of cinema and incidentally out own careers.’ Many stars such as Halle Berry and Kate Winslett actually took time off from their acting careers – in the case of Ms. Berry quite a lot of time – in order to hunt down individual copies of the film and destroy them personally.

Dennis Quaid – head of the task force whose job it was to see to the round up – had this to say:

The first part of our jobs was relatively easy. We got all the studio held negatives and the digital copies and deleted them. Then we rounded up DVDs and Blu-Rays that had been bought. For once we didn’t have a problem with piracy because very few people could be bothered to download the film and those that did, on seeing the film, believed their computer had a virus and wiped their own hard discs. It has taken more time to be certain that the film does not achieve some kind of ironic cult status, but luckily Movie 43 goes past the ‘so bad it’s good’  mark and lands once more in ‘terrible’. To see that last copy of Movie 43 being destroyed via a controlled explosion was a wonderful moment for me, both personally as an actor and more broadly as a human being who cares about the world we live in.

Movie 44 will be released in 2016.

 

 

SETH MACFARLANE’S NEW SCIENCE DOC TO FEATURE RACIST DOG

HOLLYWOOD – Many believed that the idea of Seth MacFarlane making the science documentary Cosmos: A Space-Time Odyssey  with some trepidation, but he has assured his fans that there will be a talking dog, spouting politically incorrect wisecracks. 

A follow up to the iconic Carl Sagan series from the eighties Cosmos: A Personal Voyage, the new show – airing on Fox and the National Geographic Channel in the Spring – will be an exploration of our universe for ‘as wide an audience as possible’.  

MacFarlane spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec:

We have my good friend Neil deGrasse Tyson on board narrating the show and that’s wonderful. Those sonorous tones, that expertise and depth of knowledge will inspire many to a new love of the subject. However, for the skeptical and perhaps unconverted we’ll also have a cartoon dog called Jasper, making tit jokes and talking about how orientals make bad drivers. That kind of thing. Not racist mind. Post-modern.

Meanwhile, Johnny Knoxville has revealed that he is producing his rival program Anatomies for BBC America. ‘I don’t see ourselves as competitors. Me and Seth are really looking at different things,’ said the Jackass star. ‘He’s into black holes, pulsars and the space-time continuum and his dog. Whereas I’m more interested in the human body, biology, evolution and sometimes the lack of it.’

Cosmos: A Space-Time Odyssey will be broadcast March, 2014.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER TO APPEAR IN DUNE REMAKE

LONDON – Michael Fassbender has been linked to the Dune reboot currently planned by Len Wiseman.

The announcement came as a surprise as most of the main roles have already been cast, with Jake Gyllenhaal as Paul Atreides, Ian McKellen playing his father, Jonah Hill as the evil Duke and Johnny Knoxville playing the role sting played with the underpants and the hair.

Fassbender was a bit coy when we spoke about it earlier this week.

‘Well to be honest it’s really a bit part,’ said the Guinness advertisement star. ‘I don’t actually have any lines and you won’t necessarily be seeing the whole of me on screen.’

Fassbender’s part


News will come as a special treat though for anyone who enjoyed him in Shame.

VARIETY: BRUCE WILLIS IS THE TOO-EST OLD FOR THIS SHIT

HOLLYWOOD – In a poll commissioned by Variety Bruce Willis has been judge the most ‘Too Old For This Shit’ of 2013, beating off strong competition from Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and (surprise entry) Daniel Craig. Willis, who – in a Good Day to Die Hard (a film title which is exactly one word too long) – was consistently grumpy and weird and obviously doing most of his stunts on a stair lift, commented on the result, saying he was happy because it was Wednesday, a Wednesday they got a treat from the fruit box.

Hollywood has been desperately trying to resurrect 1987 with scant success. Self-deprecation has led straight to awkward embarrassment via Johnny Knoxville. The grandfather brigade is being quickly followed by middle-aging action stars such as Liam Neeson, who has to pause between flights of stairs, and even 007 finds himself wheezing when giving chase, not to mention Batman’s dodgy knees.

Willis wins a bus pass and a selection basket of hair products.

Who do you think is ‘too old for this shit’? Vote in our poll. After all Variety just make this stuff up, so no one can actually trust them.

VIAGRA PRODUCT PLACEMENT IN THE LAST STAND DELETED

 

Over-compensating

HOLLYWOOD – Arnold Schwarznegger’s new film The Last Stand features the veteran action star and former governator trying to stop a criminal escaping South of the border.

However, Johnny Knoxville – Arnie’s ‘comedy’ co-star – revealed it wasn’t the only thing in danger of going South in the original 3 hour cut. ‘Arnie had some financial difficulties going into the film and he’d made a deal with Viagra,’ says the Jackass as he prefers to be known. ‘Every scene he’d add a line about how hard he was and he was a little stiff and then he’d pull out a packet of Viagra and casually wave it at the camera.’
Jee-Woo Kim – who makes his first English language feature – confirmed: ‘I don’t know if it was financial, like product placement so much as he just seemed to have a lot of these packets of pills in his pockets and sometimes they’d inadvertently come out. And he’d improvise lines to cover it up.’
 Mr. Schwarzenegger has made no secrets of his passion for constant sex since abandoning his political career, recently promising to do everyone who wanted to be done in San Deigo (for more on that story CLICK HERE). Recent promotional material shows that the original title of the film was The Last and Surprisingly Long Stand, which does suggest the influence of the popular penile dysfunction medicine.