JERRY BRUCKHEIMER RE-IMAGINES THE MONA LISA

 PARIS – Standing gaping at the enigmatic smile of Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona lisa in the Louvre; movie producer Jerry Bruckheimer was distinctly overheard planning a drastic re-imagining of the renaissance masterpiece.

21 year old Canadian backpacker Matt Walker was first on the scene to capture the blue sky thinking of the Hollywood hit machine as he brazenly discussed radical new directions for the silent 16th Century visage. Walker’s tumblr blog reports:

It was such a thrill to be there to witness the master in action, the way he works a concept, his effortless phone networking with creatives in far flung locations all over the world… awesome! just awesome! 

In a spoiler filled post, Walker fully discloses all the possible plot details of the project, highlights include:

  • Bruckheimer is insisting on full 3D IMAX treatment for a fully immersive experience.
  • A scenery cameo for Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow, just over her left shoulder, creeping up and whispering ‘shhh’ to the viewer.
  • A high concept chase involving one of Da Vinci’s un-produced ‘Bat-Copter’ sketches.
  • A subplot about a troubled love affair with the Jesus Christ from Da Vinci’s Last Supper to be explored in a prequel painting.
  • The addition of a mechanical ‘Space Squid’.
Bruckheimer has since confirmed that the project is indeed being fast tracked and that he has already commissioned a few concept easels from Brett Ratner and a rough plot outline from Lost and Prometheus scribe Damon Lindelof
 
UPDATE: Bruckheimer has entered the sculpture section and is now brainstorming with the security guards about a Twilight style teen fantasy about a girl who falls for a statue of Roman Emperor Nero. McG is set to direct.

JOHNNY DEPP AND TIM BURTON CONFIRMED FOR THE SPICE GIRLS

Johnny Depp Spice Girls



LONDON – Limey sources have confirmed Johnny Depp and Tim Burton have re-united in the United Kingdom for Spice Girls: Rise of Girl Power.



In a red doubledecker bus sized EXCLUSIVE the Studio Exec can reveal Depp is to play ALL of the Spice Girls in what is sure to be what the French call a ‘tour de force‘ in quirky histrionics and transvestitism. Speaking of his preparation, Depp said: 

I started by spending a whole term at Hogwarts, where the girls learned their witchcraft, and just soaked up the atmosphere of their respective houses. The school is strict about keeping boys and girls separate but, hey I’m Johnny Depp! So in no time, I’m lounging in the Quidditch changing rooms with my Hufflepuff girls, accepted like any other fresh faced pre-pubescent witch. Wild times were had.

The movie depicts the girls’ rise to power in the 90s and how they decimated the male dominated band culture with a fatal mix of catchy phrases, shouting and day-glo budget street wear. Depp revealed the story pulls no punches, showing the power struggles and in-fighting in the British music industry. 

We’re not gonna shy away from the fact that they went up against London gangsters The Krays to secure various ‘protection territories’ to fund their school tour. They bought off police; had the unions in their pocket; used illegal magic outside the school grounds… Man! Mix this up with Tim Burton’s inimitable style and it’s a ride everyone’s gonna want to take.

Who is your favorite Spice to play?

They all have their strengths: Scary Spice Mel B is fun because you just let loose. I studied a lot of big cat movements to get her trademark attack style. She never used weapons to kill her enemies, just tooth and claw. But if I had to choose, I think Posh Spice Victoria Beckham was both the biggest challenge and the greatest personal reward. I actually began a full sexual relationship with David Beckham to get to the core of her character. I’m now in touch with her Essence. I don’t want to let her go. And I’ll miss David and the kids – Brooklyn, Jammy Dodger and Syphilis – when filming is over.

Spice Girls: Rise of Girl Power will be released Christmas 2015.

JOHNNY DEPP RETURNS TO ACTING AFTER 10 YEAR BREAK

HOLLYWOOD – Children’s entertainer and cosplay enthusiast Johnny Depp has announced that he will be returning to acting after a ten year hiatus starring in Wally Pfister’s debut feature Transcendence.  

The rapidly ageing star last acted in The Libertine in 2004, when he played poet and pronger, the Earl of Rochester. The subsequent years have been spent ‘messing about and drinking’, he boasted to the Studio Exec in a moment of ill-advised honesty. He continued:

I enjoy dressing up, and the make up and wigs and what not. Everyone seems happy enough, so why put any effort into, you know, nuanced character and subtlety. Robert Downey Jr is my hero in this. He’s been coasting since Chaplin. But after a while, I started to feel empty inside. I felt like a fraud. And so I stopped answering the phone when I saw it was Tim’s number and then when I heard Wally needed someone, I took off the make up and dusted off my acting face.

However, before fans of film acting celebrate too loudly, it is worth remembering that Mr. Depp has promised a return to acting before, only to turn up on set asleep and sleep walk through the entire production: see The Rum Diary and Public Enemies or, better still, don’t.

Transcendence will be released in April 2014. 

THE LONE RANGER: REVIEW


Gore Verbinski has made an exuberantly entertaining comedy Western starring a bravura performance from Johnny Depp, but enough about Rango, what’s The Lone Ranger like?
Well, he took a narrative device from Little Big Man, several scenes, the sound design, the long coats and musical queues from Once Upon A Time in The West, a scene from The Searchers, the desert and parasol from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, some costuming from The Big Country, the ethical argument (but not the ethics) of The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, the villain from a video game, Tim Burton’s wife from Tim Burton, the landscape from John Ford, the doomed Indians from Dances with Wolves, the roller-coaster from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean, a reference to Charlie Chaplin, poor Armie Hammer, Hans Zimmer’s the William Tell overture, and has made a theme park blockbuster that looks beautiful but is often both metaphorically and literally a train wreck.  

LEONARDO DICAPRIO TAKES CAREER BREAK TO FIGHT CRIME













HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo diCaprio is one of the hardest working lead film actors in the industry and in the course of the next few months we will see him as a villainous slave owner in Django Unchained, Jay Gatsby in The Great Gatsby  as well as the whistle blowing stock broker of The Wolf of Wall Street. However, diCpario has revealed that he is going to take a sabbatical and use it to secretly fight crime.

The something something year old actor told Studio Exec that he was worn out and spent. He felt drained, used up, torn off and thrown aside. But he has decided not to use the spare time to pursue some high adrenalin hobby or relax in a bath of Armagnac, but instead to devote himself to roaming the streets and defeating criminals ‘Wherever they prey on the innocent and the weak.’  

People are asking, will I wear a cape and a mask? I mean it’s getting really ridiculous. Yes, of course I’ll wear a cape and a mask. I mean, duh!

Pazzo!

DiCaprio revealed that Jonah Hill is going to be his sidekick, using the monicker ‘Pazzo’. Johnny Depp had also expressed an interest but DiCaprio had been very clear in stating that he preferred Johnny Depp to be exactly where he was ‘ruining his reputation with film after film of egregious tripe’. 

JOHNNY DEPP RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ACCIDENTALLY WATCHING HIS OWN FILMS

HOLLYWOOD – It was a quiet evening at the Depp household as Johnny Depp – eccentric actor and nut sack – sat back to enjoy some Football he had recorded earlier. However, either he’d been confused with his programming or the machine had a glitch because instead of settling down to the Sunday Ticket Depp was treated to a film about ‘some doofus paedophile running a candy factory’.

When he complained loudly about it being absolute bullshit an exasperated friend – Elmer Abelard – told him it was actually Charlie and the Chocolate Factory a film directed by his best friend Tim Burton and starring none other than Johnny Depp.

The news came as a terrible shock to Depp as the Dark Shadows actor famously made a point of never watching his films because – as he told David Letterman on the Late Show – it interferes with ‘the process and stuff’. He had always assumed they were fairly decent because they seemed popular enough but now he was struck with a terrible doubt.
Elmer Abelard continues:

We tried to stop him but he insisted. He pulled out all the DVDs that we had and began watching them back to back. Often fast forwarding to his own performance. He watched the Pirates of the Caribbean films, Alice in Wonderland, all the Tim Burton stuff he’s been doing. By the time he finished On Strange Tides he was just gibbering like a crazy person and was unresponsive, so we called the paramedics. 

At St. Clementine’s Hospital of the Sacred Sack Depp was treated for a severe case of shock. ‘He went into a catatonic shut down – which was pretty much identical to his performance in Jim Jarmusch’s Dead Man. Ha ha ha!’ said Dr. Alvarez, glibly. ‘He’s just lying there at the moment. He whispered something to the nurse about being a children’s entertainer but that’s all we got out of him.’

JOHNNY DEPP RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ACCIDENTALLY WATCHING HIS OWN FILMS



HOLLYWOOD – It was a quiet evening at the Depp household as Johnny Depp – eccentric actor and nut sack – sat back to enjoy some Football he had recorded earlier. However, either he’d been confused with his programming or the machine had a glitch because instead of settling down to the Sunday Ticket Depp was treated to a film about ‘some doofus paedophile running a candy factory’. When he complained loudly about it being absolute bullshit an exasperated friend – Elmer Abelard – told him it was actually Charlie and the Chocolate Factory a film directed by his best friend Tim Burton and starring none other than Johnny Depp.


The news came as a terrible shock to Depp as the Dark Shadows actor famously made a point of never watching his films because – as he told David Letterman on the Late Show – it interferes with ‘the process and stuff’. He had always assumed they were fairly decent because they seemed popular enough but now he was struck with a terrible doubt.
Elmer Abelard continues:

We tried to stop him but he insisted. He pulled out all the DVDs that we had and began watching them back to back. Often fast forwarding to his own performance. He watched the Pirates of the Caribbean films, Alice in Wonderland, all the Tim Burton stuff he’s been doing. By the time he finished On Strange Tides he was just gibbering like a crazy person and was unresponsive, so we called the paramedics. 

At St. Clementine’s Hospital of the Sacred Sack Depp was treated for a severe case of shock. ‘He went into a catatonic shut down – which was pretty much identical to his performance in Jim Jarmusch’s Dead Man. Ha ha ha!’ said Dr. Alvarez, glibly. ‘He’s just lying there at the moment. He whispered something to the nurse about being a children’s entertainer but that’s all we got out of him.’