JOHNNY DEPP SPENDS A DAY NOT HITTING WOMEN

HOLLYWOOD -Johnny Depp surprised fans yesterday, without hitting a woman.

Loveable rogue Jack Sparrow – AKA Johnny Depp – spent a day yesterday not hitting women. The occasion was the anniversary of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Disneyland, Anaheim. Dressed as the pirate Jack Sparrow, Depp surprised and delighted his fans. Jodie Pattack told the Studio Exec:

It was amazing we were watching the scene as we went by and someone said, ‘wow that Jack Sparrow looks really like Johnny Depp’ but someone else said it couldn’t be because he wasn’t shouting at Amber Head or apologising to Australia about his dogs. When we came out it turns out it was Depp after all.

Sources close to Johnny told the Studio Exec:

This is what Johnny loves, being out there with the people who love him. Instead of being in a kitchen, full of rage looking for the corkscrew to open a bottle of wine.

Depp is due to return as Jack Sparrow in the new Pirates of the Caribbean film.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Alimony Island will be released in 2017.

FARTS OF THE STARS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the Carey Mulligan Fart Off, the question on everyone’s lips is: what do the stars farts smell of? Only Studio Exec has the connections, the nasal hair (for filterage) and the proximity to give the answers you need.

Brad Pitt: Whiffs overpoweringly of Chanel no. 5. Pungent but beguiling. The world becomes black and white and the head aches. Sounds like a dog barking three gardens away.

Winona Ryder: Her air packets are small, delicate and berry scented. Little pip like squeaks can be heard, like a mouse crying for help.

Leonardo di Caprio: Leo’s a vegetarian and his bottom woofs are definitely green. They make a sound not unpleasant and similar to whale song. Leo particularly enjoys farting in the bath.

Lindsay Lohan: Opposite to Leo. No naked flames please. Petro-chemical, Deep Horizon style.

George Clooney: Wheaty with a lingering note of leather and brass. The sound is designed to be easily mistaken for a wry chuckle.

Jennifer Lopez: Whiny.

Tom Cruise: Tom is under the mistaken impression that he never farts because of his complete mental control of the universe but in fact his farts are so powerful (and his body so pixie like and small) that they can physically propel him above Oprah’s sofa.

Nicole Kidman: Primroses and hope. They are absolutely silent. Like the death of a planet.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sounds like a sea lion mating call and smells like a week-dead horse.

Adam Sandler: Jack and Jill, Bedtime Stories, Big Daddy, That’s My Boy etc.

Michael Caine: Vinegar and sand. Released when you pull his finger.

Angelina Jolie: The funniest farts in Hollywood. They smell of lingerie just bought and sound like a very small man trapped in a box shouting ‘FART, FART’! A real hit at parties.

Johnny Depp: Mr Depp has been known to let off the odd gentleman’s excuse mes. Long droning ship horns that smell of seaweed and Keith Richards solo albums.

Selena Gomez: Almost silent, with the slight hissing, but can knock a pig out at fifty yards. Amnesia ensues so it’s impossible to say what they smell off.

Carey Mulligan: a longevity that allows for character arcs, three act structure and occasionally intermissions.

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TWO VERSION OF PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES SHOT

HOLLYWOOD – Two versions of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales have been reportedly shot.

The fifth instalment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales – has been shot in two radically different versions, the Studio Exec has learned. Both films revolve around a desperate search for the pirate Captain Jack Sparrow by Javier Bardem’s Captain Salazar. In one version, Jack Sparrow played by Johnny Depp is found and in the other Amber Heard version, he isn’t. A source close to the production spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was actually fortuitous that the plot was already written around this search so it just became a matter of adding some bits to the second version and changing the ending. The studio has always thought this was a strong vehicle for Johnny but with things going the way they’re going they want some insurance, particularly as this is a family film. Should there be a video released of Johnny doing wild drunk shit, ranting about Jamie and the Magic Torch or humping the family dog, then we’ll release the non-Johnny version. However, if that doesn’t happen, then everyone will forget and we’ll get the loveable old pirate back again. And we all love Johnny, right? What do you think?

Pirates of the Caribbean will also star Orlando Bloom and will be released in 2017.

THOMAS GIBSON TO BE KICKED UP THE ASS

HOLLYWOOD – Criminal Minds actor Thomas Gibson has been ordered to be kicked up the ass, a court ruled today.

Following his firing from the show Criminal Minds Thomas Gibson has joined Twitter and sought to clear his name. However, today a court ruled that he was to be kicked up the ass as punishment for his assault on screenwriter and co-producer Virgil Williams. Gibson responded that the punishment was ‘harsh but fair’ and expressed his hope that this would draw a line under the matter.

The swift justice has been the result of a new legal mechanism set up by Hollywood following a series of unsavory headlines. Using the Hammurabi code, the courts will match punishments to crimes and many believe that Johnny Depp will get an iPhone thrown at his head several times before the Summer is through. Emile Hirsche was the first Hollywood star to be punished by the code and he wept like a child as he was choked.

Lawyer Jackson Brett told the Studio Exec that he thought the whole thing was a publicity stunt.

We’re all talking about assault and violence and all this. But everyone is ignoring the real crime. The fact that Criminal Minds is still on television.

The ass-kicking will take place tomorrow at dawn.

 

PEOPLE NOT ABUSED BY JOHNNY DEPP SAY THEY WEREN’T ABUSED BY JOHNNY DEPP

HOLLYWOOD – A number of Johnny Depp’s friends and family have come out in defense of the Pirates of the Caribbean star, saying that he never abused them.

Following the domestic violence allegations by his soon to be ex-wife Amber Heard, Johnny Depp’s friends and family are circling the wagons. His daughter Lily Rose Depp took to Instagram to defend her father and attack Heard, and former partner Vanessa Paradis has also gone on record saying that Depp is ‘the sweetest, gentlest man’. And colleagues and friends including Paul Bettany have also voiced their support via social media: Depp was the ‘sweetest, kindest, gentlest man’. Of course, all of this could be true and the trial by twitter and tabloid currently going on is repellent, but it is taking place via both sides. Comedian and Depp supporter Doug Stanhope went so far as to write a guest column for The Wrap claiming that Heard was blackmailing Depp, and working on ‘some ruse to f*ck him over’.

God knows. I wasn’t there. But  neither were any of these other people. And a lot of what they are saying is irrelevant. It’s perfectly possible for a human being to be multi-faceted. Someone who violently abuses their spouse can be ‘gentle and sweet’ to their daughters and friends and colleagues, ex-girlfriends and comedian pals. The monster of popular imagination doesn’t square with the facts. Abusive behavior might be confined to one person. That person might not necessarily be an angel – after all, who is? But the media’s attacks on Heard have brought out a whole series of accusations, bringing into play Heard’s bi-sexuality to suggest it was that which sent Depp into a jealous rage. An explanation which begins to sound dangerously like a justification.

Again I don’t know what happened. I don’t know Johnny Depp or Amber Heard. (I did send off a rash tweet when this whole thing kicked off so mea culpa for that). However, there is a chance this is not going to remain a mystery. There will be an investigation and according to Heard’s version of events there were witnesses to some of the behavior. But in the meantime it might be an idea to try to keep the noise down. Who am I kidding though? Right?

AFTER JOHNNY DEPP DIVORCE, AMBER HEARD INTRODUCES NEW PARTNER

HOLLYWOOD – Following the announcement of her divorce with Johnny Depp, Amber Heard has already been seen with a new partner.

The marriage did not last long,  but Amber Heard and Johnny Depp seem to now have definitively parted ways. However, the actress has wasted little time in introducing her new boyfriend to the world via a viral YouTube video. In it she sits side by side with her new guy, in an obvious contrast with the infamous Australian dog apology video of a month ago. Whereas in the latter Depp was a dead eyed and bloated ghoul in the new one Amber’s new flame seems full of life and frolics. Ms. Heard spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about what is going on.

For months now it hasn’t been happening between me and Johnny. Of course, I love him very much, but he was so quiet and subdued. Nothing like the man I remember falling in love with on the big screen. We tried to talk it through and Johnny said he had some ideas about how he could brighten up our lives but then he did nothing. All of a sudden though I met Matt Hatter.

Matt Hatter?

Yes. One day Johnny went out to get some cigarettes and the next minute there was a ring on the doorbell and Matt Hatter was there body popping and acting zany. It was exactly who I needed and when Matt left and then twenty minutes later Johnny came back I told him that it was time to go our separate ways.

How did he take it?

Really badly. He was really upset. And I felt sorry for him. He went into the bathroom to weep with his valise, but then – I don’t know how he got in there – Matt came out of the same bathroom and the crazy fun started again. My mind was made up at that point.

Aren’t Johnny and Matt the same person though?

You’re the second person to say that. The first was Johnny. But of course he’ll say anything to get me back.

Amber Heard and Matt Hatter will be starring in their own HBO special, a musical version of Fight Club. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

BLACK MASS 2: DOG DAYS FIRST IMAGE OF JOHNNY DEPP

HOLLYWOOD – First image of Black Mass 2: Dog Days starring Amber Heard and Johnny Depp was released on the internet today.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are to star in Black Mass 2: Dog Days, the sequel to Depp’s hit crime movie which will follow the adventures of master criminal Whitey Bulger and his dogs Bullet and Pooch. Johnny Depp spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the new movie:

When we finished Black Mass I thought I’m done with this story. It ain’t nice being in Whitey’s head, but I don’t know what it is but at the moment I feel close to the criminal world and I feel like going back there and finding out what would happen.

But surely Bulger goes to prison?

We’re making this an original story. I’m writing it with Amber. Whitey escapes from prison and goes to Australia.

Australia?

Yeah, Australia and you know what he takes with him.

No.

His dogs. All of them.

But the quarantine laws are quite strict in Australia.

Oh yeah they try to stop him but Whitey isn’t a pushover. And he goes on a one man crime spree throughout Queensland. And he doesn’t ever say sorry.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

JOHNNY DEPP AND AMBER HEARD TELL AUSTRALIA TO GO F*CK ITSELF, USING ONLY THEIR EYES

HOLLYWOOD – Celebrity couple Johnny Depp and Amber Head told Australia to go f*ck itself in a very oblique way.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard escaped a possible jail sentence after illegally taking their dogs Pistol and Boo into Queensland without observing the strict quarantine laws. Mr Depp was filming in the country when Amber Heard entered the country with her two dogs and without declaring them. At one point, the dogs were even threatened with execution. With the situation resolved, the two produced a video ostensibly expressing their respect for Australian quarantine laws and urging others to respect them.

‘Australians are warm and direct,’ Mr. Depp says, while his eyes say – ‘F*ck off you bunch of ex-convicts’.

Amber Heard talks about the unique wildlife which must be protected from the diseases from overseas. But in-between each word she inaudibly whispers, ‘The country that gave us Mel Gibson is really lecturing us? I don’t f*cking think so!’

Johnny Depp will be appearing in a remake of Gallipoli which will show it was the Australians’ fault.

FIRST IMAGE OF JOHNNY DEPP IN THE INVISIBLE MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp is playing the Invisible Man for a Universal reboot of the classic tale of horror and the Studio Exec has an EXCLUSIVE picture of the star in the new role.

Adding to a long list of iconic roles – Edward Scissorhands, Jack Sparrow, the kid who gets eaten by his bed in Nightmare on Elm Street – Johnny Depp is now to appear in a reboot of the Universal classic and H.G. Wells adaptation The Invisible Man. The original saw, or didn’t see, Claude Rains in the role in a classic 1933 version directed by James Whale and since then such giants as Kevin Bacon and Chevy Chase have taken on the role.

However, this version is going to be a return to the original text and is part of a move on the part of Universal to reboot its rich back catalog of horror classics with Angelina Jolie set to star in Bride of Frankenstein, Tom Cruise in a Mummy remake and Eddie Redmayne to roar into life as The Wolfman.

Johnny Depp spoke briefly with The Studio Exec about his new role:

You know I’ve always been an actor who likes to disappear into his roles, well in this instance I’ll be doing that LITERALLY. HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Oh I’ve done myself an injury.

However, the casting has been criticized by some groups claiming that the role should have gone to a genuinely invisible actor.

The Invisible Man will be released in 2017.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO CATEGORY ANNOUNCED FOR ACADEMY AWARDS

HOLLYWOOD – A new category and anew award for the ‘Oscars’ or the Motion Picture Academy Awards as they are sometimes called: The Leonardo DiCaprio Award.

Announcing the Award, Motion Picture Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs said that the award would be given annually:

It will seek to recognize brilliance and exceptional talent in a motion picture actor, who features in a motion picture in the last calendar year. Although the award will be open to all actors, we are looking to focus on those seasoned performers who have for some reason previously been neglected or disappointed by the Academy. We’re thinking of people like Edward Norton, Tom Cruise, Glenn Close, Johnny Depp, Sigourney Weaver, Harrison Ford, Ed Harris and of course Leonardo DiCaprio.

When asked whether Leonardo diCaprio would win for The Revenant, President Isaacs had this to say:

There is a very good chance Leo might win the Best Actor nomination and eventually the Oscar for Best Actor for his performance. I couldn’t possibly speculate. However, we do know that if he doesn’t, then there’s an even better chance he will win the Best Leonardo diCaprio Oscar. If, that is, Matthew McConaughey doesn’t pip him to the post.

The Oscars will be broadcast on February 28th, 2016.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 2. TIM BURTON

HOLLYWOOD – Tim Burton takes a break from spinning Lewis Carroll in his grave to be our second interviewee in the classic series: Breakfast with Assholes.

Poached eggs (x 2), two slices of toast, cup of coffee

Timothy Burton might be a scatter-haired Goth for many but at breakfast he presents himself in a Gucci hairnet, smoking jacket by Valentino and prepares the best poached eggs I’ve ever tasted.

So my first question is simple:

Timmy boy, you are famed as one of the most original and innovative film-makers of our time where do you get your original innovative ideas from?

Well, Batman – my first true hit – was from an old comic book, and Planet of the Apes was from an old film, Sweeney Todd was from an old musical, Alice in Wonderland was from an old book, Sleepy Hollow also an old book, Big Fish was from a new book, Ed Wood was a book and you know real life, Dark Shadows was from an old TV series and Mars Attacks was from a trading card series (I know).

But Betelgeuse was original: where did you get the idea for that?

Someone else’s script. You want more coffee?

No. Okay. Edward Scissorhands?

 Oh yeah, I did that. Well, the story, then Caroline Thompson wrote the script.

Okay so your ideas aren’t necessarily original as such but your treatment of them are. The Tim Burton look. Where does that come from?

Old Sisters of Mercy videos. And Billy Idol. “White Wedding” was a real inspiration to me. You know cobwebs, wedding dresses, that sort of stuff. Or like Wonderland in Alice in Wonderland, I just added a couple of waterfalls, but it was basically Disney.

But the performances are always great in your movies. These eggs by the way are fantastic.

Thanks. Yeah. What I do is I visualize a poster and I think is there anyway I can get Johnny Depp’s big fat face front and centre. Because you know, people would pay to watch Johnny Depp flushing the toilet.

I didn’t see Dark Shadows.

 You didn’t miss much. Then I say “honey do you want to be in the film?” to whomever I’m married to at that given moment. Mostly Helena Bonham Carter these days. And the work’s more or less done. Then I find filming quite peaceful. I like to wear dark glasses so I can just nod off and people usually mistake my confusion for dreamy visionary-ness. Now if you don’t mind, I usually like to take a dump after breakfast.

‘Sure, Tim,’ I say and show my way out. I meet Johnny Depp on the porch his got an armful of Betamax video cassettes and a guilty grin.

‘Beats working,’ he shouts over his shoulder as we pass.

ZOOLANDER 2 ACCUSED OF MODELPHOBIA

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Stiller comedy sequel Zoolander 2 has come under fire for its portrayal of supermodels.

Follow up comedy hit Zoolander 2 is in hot water today following accusations thee its portrayal of supermodels is ‘offensive and inrealistic’. Cara Delevingne and Kate Moss are only two of literally six supermodels who are furious with the way they’re profession is portrayed.

Cara told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

People say that we are supposed to be stupid just because we’re ridiculously good looking. But that’s so unfair. I was in Paper Towns and Kate Moss married Liam Gallagher, or was it Johnny Depp?

Justin Bieber also stood up for the supermodels of the world:

I think this kind of model-phobia is disgraceful. It’s like racism but worse because racism doesn’t have to put up with having to watch your weight and deal with really bad after parties.

In the film Ben Stiller plays Derek Zoolander a supermodel famous for his inability to pronounce words properly and for his trademark looks ‘magnum’, ‘Blue Steel’ and ‘Le Tigre’. Owen Wilson, who plays his best friend Hansel, was furious with the accusations.

This is absolute BS if you don’t mind me saying their chief. I know for a fact that some of my best friends are supermodels and although they’re certainly incredibly good looking they are none too bright upstairs and not one of them would deny that or even want to. The only reason Cara, Kate and Justin are angry is because they wanted to be in the movie and we forgot to call them.

But Justin Bieber is in the movie.

Is he? Oh well point proven!

But what about the argument that the film is transphobic in regard to Benedict Cumberbatch’s character?

Transphobic? Jesus. If you’re worried about a Ben Stiller comedy then I don’t know … Jeez.

Zoolander 2 will be released 12 February, 2016.

JOHNNY DEPP HAS AN UNRECOGNIZABILITY CLAUSE

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp has an unrecognizability clause in his contract, it was revealed today.

Noted children’s entertainer and one time actor Johnny Depp has a special ‘unrecognizability clause’ in his contract which states:

Johnny Depp (hereafter the ARTIST) must be made up and costumed in such a way as to make reviewers and critics write something along the lines of ‘Johnny Depp is unrecognizable in the role’. This must be done no matter how distracting the make up and costume might be to the story and the ARTIST must be allowed to go home in the costume and visit hospitals, children’s parties etc.

Although insiders tell the Studio Exec that this part of the contract is not always enforced, Depp insists that it is always present should he feel the urge. Black Mass, Alice Through the Looking Glass, The Lone Ranger, the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise and Tusk all fell victim to the clause.

The most recent film in which the clause was not enforced – Transcendence – was largely seen as a flop and has only hardened Depp’s insistence on being unrecognizable. However, legal expert Morty Penn told the Exec that the clause has very little validity.

You see, the problem is once you become known for appearing unrecognizable then it’s precisely your ostentatious disguise which makes you so obviously you. It becomes your trademark.

Tim Burton, Johnny Depp’s best friend and many believe his enabler, says that he believes Depp’s method is due to his childhood:

When you’re a child you want to dress up and pretend to be someone else. That is in what essence acting is. And that is what Johnny does. And he does it well. He tries to go away and do something else – like the Rum Diary – but then he comes back to me weeping and begging me to put a ton of make up on him and dress him up as a banana or something.

Alice Through the Looking Glass will be released in 2016.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER TO REMAKE ALL OF ASHTON KUTCHER’S MOVIES

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Fassbender revealed today that he is going to devote his career to remaking all of Ashton Kutcher’s movies.

The move comes after Michael Fassbender starred in Danny Boyle’s Steve Jobs, the remake of Ashton Kutcher’s 2013 movie Jobs. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec via Skype, Fassbender had this to say:

Every actor has an inspirational figure – for De Niro it was Brando, or DiCaprio it’s De Niro and for Johnny Depp it’s Cesar Romero. Well, for me it’s Ashton Kutcher. Ever since I was a young boy growing up in Ireland, I would watch That 70s Show and marvel. Ever since then I’ve always been a little behind him and he has guided me like a Pole Star of acting. Dude Where’s My Car, The Butterfly Effect, My Boss’s Daughter, every film he did, I would be sitting at the front of the cinema with a notepad and a biro jotting everything down furiously. So when I got the opportunity to play Jobs, I obviously wondered if I could handle it. But I remembered that Hunter S. Thompson had typed The Great Gatsby out in its entirety so as to channel his hero. I figured I’d do the same with Ashton.

Amazing!

I know. And the next thing is though, I’m addicted. I’m not sure I got it all right and I want to do it again.

Another Steve Jobs film?

No. Obviously no. I want to remake another Kutcher movie. I’m thinking Personal Effects or Just Married. It’s only a pity that Two and a Half Men has finished or I could have appeared in that as a recurring character. Maybe Ashton’s long lost twin brother or something.

What Happens in Vegas will be released in 2016.