DEPP VS HEARD MOVIE CAST

HOLLYWOOD – As the final days in the trial of the century play out, the Depp Vs Heard movie has been announced with a cast already in place. The movie will be called Turds Of Endearment. Danny Devito will play Amber Heard and Johnny Depp will be played by Charlie Day. The Exec spoke with writer, director and producer on the project Sidney Fastbuck.

Sidney, Where Did You Get The Idea for a Depp Vs Heard Movie?

In a word? TikTok. My timeline is full of their bullshit. It used to be badly edited videos of dogs jumping over pools of crocodiles. But now, it’s one or both of them pouting like their life depended on it. So I thought, if these douchebags are getting rich from those douchebags, then why can’t I?

I Assume This Is Going To Be A Comedy?

Why would you assume that? I’ve written a heartbreaking drama about love gone bad.

But Your Cast Suggests It’s An Extended It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Episode.

It’s Always what now?

Sunny In Philadelphia. They Even Did An Episode Entitled Who Pooped The Bed.

I’ve never heard of that show in my life. If you ask me, it sounds disgusting. Who’s in it?

Your Two Leads, Danny DeVito and Charlie Day.

They never mentioned any of that to me. How weird is that? Still, it can’t be very popular if I’ve never heard of it.

It’s Ran For 15 Seasons So Far.

15? Huh. Well, it’s too late now, I’ve had the sets built. Do you know how expensive it was to recreate all the Pirates Of The Caribbean, Aquaman and Justice League sets? $440million. Just for a few shots of them in their respective careers.

Could You Not Get The Rights To Use Actual Footage From Those Movies?

Sorry, do what?

Surely It Would Have Been Far Cheaper To Just Buy The Footage Of Those Films.

Son of a bitch. I never thought of that. You’re a smart kid, y’know.

I’m 48 Years Old.

Turds Of Endearment Begins Shooting Later This Summer

JOHNNY DEPP RETIRES FROM ACTING: “I WANT TO BE A CHILDREN’S ENTERTAINER!”

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp to retire.

Johnny Depp announced his retirement from movie acting in order to devote himself full time to being a children’s entertainer, by the name of ‘Mr Gangley’.

A friend close to Johnny Depp told Studio Exec, “Johnny didn’t like the reaction to The Rum Diary and Transcendence. Both of which he had hoped would repair some of the damage The Tourist had done, which he did as a way of getting away from the snore machine that was Public Enemies.”

Film historian and self-confessed ‘Depp-spert’, Felix Dripping argues:

Depp has actually been a children’s entertainer for some time now. First, The Mad Hatter, Jack Sparrow, Tonto, that other shit he did with Burton, none of that was actually acting. He was just putting on makeup and pulling faces and shit. Perhaps, he simply forgot how to act.

Michael Mann also had harsh words for the former Freddy Kreuger victim number 4. “For Public Enemies I gave him John Dillinger, one of the most exciting roles you can imagine. And he made him boring.”

There have long been rumours that Mr Depp was not happy with his current profession. Comments he made during an appearance on Letterman to the effect that he never watched his own films now seem to have been a warning sign. While filming Pirates 4 he took time off to visit a local school and entertain the kids, telling the director Rob Marshall to “go fuck yourself.”

From now on, he will go by the name of Mr Gangley and is declaring himself available for children’s parties. He is offering magic tricks, balloon animals, improv character pieces (no pirates) and ventriloquism with his new monkey friend, Jimmy Spangles.

Johnny Depp’s last film will be Pirates of the Caribbean 5.

COURT HEARS HOW JOHNNY DEPP DEVELOPED A PEANUT M&MS ADDICTION

LONDON – The high court today heard about Johnny Depp’s M&M addiction.

Johnny Depp – star of the Pirates of the Caribbean and Nightmare on Elm Street – today told the High Court in London how he developed an addiction for peanut M&Ms. Occasionally breaking down on the stand, he told the court that the addiction began in 2018.

We were filming Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge and I wasn’t in a very happy place. It just started out with chocolate M&Ms and I thought I could handle it. But once I got into the yellow bags they hooked. I went through twenty half pound bags a day. I was wild man. I’d get so tired from chomping on those M&Ms that I couldn’t even say my dialogue properly. I’d be mumbling like a confused idiot.

The court saw pictures of Johnny Depp passed out after an M&Ms binge, with ice cream dripping down his leg and onto the floor. Referring to the picture, Depp said it showed the extent of his problem at the time.

Look at that. I can’t even face ice cream. I’m so full of M&Ms. What a waste of ice cream. The humanity of it. I don’t know what it was. The peanut, the chocolate, the caramel shell, the different colors.

The court also heard testimony from a former employee of Mr. Depp about how his employer had hired the M&M shop in Leicester  Square, London and done over £240,000 of damage.

Jason Haribo testified:

Johnny’s just the kind of man who does everything to excess. He just can’t have one M&M. It’s not in his nature. He’s the same with Pringles and Ginger Snaps.

Mr. Depp told the judge that he was no longer on M&Ms, after a successful stay in recovery.

I’ve learned my lesson. And I am volunteering to do some kind of work with children to raise awareness of how dangerous M&Ms are. I’m also going to classes to learn how to keep my ice cream from spilling.

The trial continues.

DISNEY’S PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN TO GO ON FOREVER

HOLLYWOOD – Disney’s Pirates Of The Caribbean will never end.

Disney’s Pirates Of The Caribbean Franchise will continue forever, according to producer, Jerry Bruckheimer.

Jerry Bruckheimer, made the announcement dressed in a full Mickey Mouse costume in a high pitched voice:

“Hi everybody ha-ha! On behalf of Walt Disney Studios that your favourite Pirate based franchise will return in a never-ending supply of movie adventures. In order to make sure we keep churning out these money machines, Disney have bought an island from struggling billionaire Richard Branson at a steal. Because of the tax breaks, we can film around the clock on the island. Ha-ha! There’s no unions on the newly named Disney Island Of Dreams (all rights reserved), just desperate writers, actors, crew members and CGI artists.

According to the actuaries, we can churn out a new Pirates film approximately every 4 months. With the god given gift that is CGI, we don’t even need Johnny Depp, who isn’t entirely ‘on-brand’ right now. Ha-ha! We can just cut and paste his face onto some guy staggering around the screen in a stupid pirate costume, looking like Adam Ant on ketamine.

Now we have Disney+, we are also proud to announce an all-new 24 hour rolling reality show that will follow the filming of the Pirates movies. We’ll follow the trials and tribulations of all the cast and the crew. Who stays, who gets fired by Mickey at the end of every week. We think people will lap it. Think Truman Show crossed with Love Island. We’re gonna call it, They Shoot Pirates, Don’t They? Ha-ha!”

‘They Shoot Pirates, Don’t They?’ premieres on Disney+ in September.

JOHNNY DEPP’S INVISIBLE MAN RELEASED LAST JULY BUT NO ONE SAW IT

Universal’s Dark Universe continued last July with The Invisible Man, starring Johnny Depp.

Following the disappointing critical and popular reception of Tom Cruise’s The Mummy, many took it as read that Universal’s Dark Universe franchise was deader than a non Zombie dead person. However, Johnny Depp revealed that his new adaptation of HG Wells’ classic novel The Invisible Man is not only going ahead but has already been released in early July. 

Jack Sparrow (as he prefers to be know) spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

Yeah man, we made and then we released it. But it’s very important for me for the performance and the story and the style to all be consistent. And so I said, hey I’m playing an invisible man right? And everyone said, yes Johnny. And so I said, what if we make the film itself invisible? And everyone laughed and laughed and laughed, but then we did. 

The Invisible Man is now available for digital download, to rent or to buy on blu-ray from all good outlets.

KEITH RICHARDS ACCIDENTALLY SMOKES JOHNNY DEPP

PARIS – Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has smoked Ed Wood and Donnie Brasco actor Johnny Depp.

Who’s Smoking Johnny Depp? Apparently piratical rock legend Keith Richards. The immolation followed by inhalation took place late last night in Paris, France. An eyewitness spoke with Studio Exec this afternoon.

Johnny and Keith always get together whenever they can and they’re often kinda crazy nights. Goblets of wine are drunk, crackers with cheese are eaten and yes sometimes something is smoked. Neither Johnny nor Keith have ever made any bones about their recreational use. Well, this evening the smoke was thick in the room and Keith was rolling, let’s say. And when the sun came up, Keith realized he was on his own. All that was left of Johnny was his hat and a vague air of disappointment.

However, some are claiming that the Pirates of the Caribbean star intentionally had himself smoked to escape his legal troubles. Entertainment reporter Xavier Poulis argues:

Depp has been in trouble. His movies aren’t hitting the sweet spot. His finances are a mess. And his marriage collapsed. He knows what Keith his like. He knows never to sit in-between the Keith’s hand and the rolling papers.

Although suicide by Richards can’t be ruled out, there are some that argue that Depp hasn’t been smoked at all and this is all some elaborate joke. Those people obviously don’t know Keith Richards.

Johnny Depp’s new film a remake of Cheech and Chong’s Up in Smoke will be released in 2020.

 

TERRY GILLIAM ACCIDENTALLY DELETES THE MAN WHO KILLED DON QUIXOTE

LONDON – Terry Gilliam today admitted that he had accidentally deleted his new film The Man Who Killed Don Quixote.

Terry Gilliam took 17 years to complete his new film The Man Who Killed Don Quixote. Having only yesterday announced to excited fans that he had finished the film, he returned to Facebook today with a heartbreaking message, entitled ‘I should have made a backup copy’:

So I had the film wrapped, everything shot, and as with all movies these days it was all digital. I had it on a portable hard drive but when I unplugged it from the computer I forgot to click on that ‘safely remove hardware thing’ and apparently it formatted the whole disc. Erasing the movie. I know what you’re thinking. Why didn’t you make a backup? and I can only say, I don’t know. But don’t worry fans, I’ll be making it again next year and every year for the rest of my life.

The film had gone through a number of versions with different casts, including a version with Robert Duvall and Ewan MacGregor and one with Jean Rochefort and Johnny Depp. The most recent iteration starred Jonathan Pryce and Adam Driver.

The Man Who Killed Don Quixote will begin filming again in 2018.

5 ACTORS WHO MISSED OUT ON THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME

HOLLYWOOD – It’s hard enough to be an actor. Imagine how much harder it is knowing you were THIS CLOSE to that iconic role!

The following actors may have a career now … but they’d be icons had they not been runners-up on some amazing roles.

 


Nedry, JURASSIC PARK. 

Winner: Wayne Knight.    |   Loser: Andy Dick. 

That’s right. Hollywood’s hot mess, Andy Dick, was almost computer nerd Dennis Nedry in Jurassic Park. Andy was the front runner, until he started licking Laura Dern, and sitting inappropriately on prop dinosaur tongues during a call-back.


Jason Bourne, THE BOURNE IDENTITY. 

Winner: Matt Damon.    |   Loser: Gary Busey. 

A fresh-faced (?) Gary Busey was slated to appear in the Bourne franchise. The original script wanted a world-weary, older Bourne looking back on his life, and trying to piece together the conspiracy that made him a killer. Unfortunately, Busey was, at the same time, trying to piece together his own conspiracy and schedules conflicted.


Bruce Wayne, BATMAN. 

Winner: Michael Keaton.    |   Loser: Johnny Depp. 

Tim Burton’s history with Johnny Depp almost had another credit, when Depp was slated to appear as Bruce Wayne. And, that was ultimately the problem. The role required Depp to play both Bruce Wayne AND Batman. Depp was so unnerved at the sight of the Batman suit, he’d retreat to corners of the soundstage to “fear pee”, as one PA put it. So, the roll was recast.


Lara Croft, LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER. 

Winner: Angelina Jolie.    |   Loser: Jennifer Aniston. 

Brad Pitt wasn’t the only reason these two actresses don’t get along. Aniston was scheduled to appear as the voluptuous video game star, but at the last moment, Jolie had placed a blood curse on the beleaguered actress, who’s breasts deflated, as a result. The part was taken back from Aniston in favour of Jolie.


Gollum, THE LORD OF THE RINGS. 

Winner: Andy Serkis.    |   Loser: Clint Howard. 

Serkis made history for playing the part of a digitally-created character, but the original plan was to have an actor without visual effects. Clint Howard had a number of outstanding chemistry tests, and won the role. But, the look of him against the backdrop of New Zealand was so unsettling, Peter Jackson decided to go “less realistic” and made the character computer-generated.

For more FACTS click here. 

UNIVERSAL SAY DARK UNIVERSE WILL GO AHEAD

HOLLYWOOD – With the Dark Universe in trouble, Universal issue a statement confirming the franchise will go ahead.

The Universal franchise – ‘The Dark Universe’ – is in trouble. Creative heads Alex Kurtzman and Chris Morgan have left – Kurtzman to work on Star Trek Discovery and Morgan to wash his hair – leaving the franchise very much in doubt. The Tom Cruise vehicle The Mummy tanked at the Box Office earlier this year, leading to rumors that the whole project was in trouble. However, today a spokesperson at Universal issued the following statement EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Although there have been some personnel changes on our creative team, The Dark Universe is to go ahead with a series of films based on iconic monsters from Universal’s cinematic legacy. However, certain changes are going to take place. First of all, The Invisible Man – starring Johnny Depp – will actually be an Invisible Film. The first kind of film ever to be shot with this 0D ground breaking technology, people won’t be able to see it anywhere.

Did you say 0D?

Yes, it’s like 3D, but you know 3 less.

Okay.

The new Frankenstein film will just be a mash up of all the other Frankenstein films. And colorized. Javier Bardem will do the narration.

Right.

Russell Crowe stars in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in a new definition of terror.

This sounds good. 

We’re changing the film into a musical and Crowe will be singing all the way through.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I knew you’d like that. We’re just worried about the certificate.

Universal will release the Dark Universe on Monday.

COSPLAY TO BE OUTLAWED IN FIVE STATES

 SAN DIEGO – Five states ban Cosplay.

The increasingly popular hobby of Cosplay – short for ‘costume play’ and involving adults gathering to wear costumes inspired by their favorite films and TV shows – will be illegal in five states: Colorado, Ohio, Delaware, Kansas and New Mexico as of midnight tonight. 

Motivations for the Cosplay Bans vary and include issues of public health and decency. New Mexico’s governor Susana Martinez said: ‘Grown adults dressing up as Captain Jack Sparrow and Padme from the Phantom Menace is f**king dumb’.

Cosplay enthusiasts responded with anger. Mark Jerkins of the Cosplay Association of America commented: 

We are adults who enjoy dressing up in fancy dress-like costume, immersing ourselves in a fictional world, often with a kinky slant. And we demand respect. We should get it.

 However, opponents of Cosplay are themselves organizing with membership of the anti-Cosplay pressure group Grow Up now reaching the 3 million mark. Spokesperson Martina Simons explains her opposition to Cosplay in this way:

Martina

I was into Cosplay at first, because it gave me a structure to my otherwise confused life. It was also a chance to escape the grim realities that pressure us all. But then a friend of mine introduced me to substance abuse and I’ve never looked back. Drug addiction isn’t the answer for everyone, of course. And it has its own problems – especially the health and economic drawbacks. However, to anyone kicking Cosplay I would argue at least drug abuse isn’t embarrassing.

With GU and the CAA both at loggerheads, a long and drawn out battle in the courts looks likely. This could go all the way up to the highest levels of government, with both groups boasting of powerful allies. Cosplay advocate Johnny Depp is expected to testify in front of a special Senate Committee, whilst Andy Garcia has allied himself with GU, stating in a special video message: ‘They’re all a bunch of babies and they need their asses kicking’.

For more on this story, keep reading theStudioExec.com.

JOHNNY DEPP ARRESTED FOR ASSASSINATION PLOT

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp was arrested last night by the British police for plotting the assassination of President Donald Trump.

Johnny Depp is currently being held in a police cell in an undisclosed location in Great Britain awaiting extradition to the United States where he will be expected to stand trial for threatening the life of the President of the USA. If found guilty, he could face life in prison. Depp apparently revealed his plot during an appearance at the Glastonbury Festival, a three day music event deep in the English countryside. In the early hours of this morning, anti-terrorism police swooped in to capture the Jack Sparrow actor in the lounge bar of the local hotel. In a statement released by law enforcement, a spokesperson said this:

We take all assassination threats very seriously indeed. Especially of a foreign head of state. Some have suggested Depp was saying a joke but to everyone there it was obvious that he wasn’t joking in that it wasn’t funny. And jokes are funny. So answer that. Depp had a plan and even identified that the assassin would be an actor. Johnny Depp works as an actor and so we put two and two together.

Lawyers for Johnny Depp claimed that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding.

The police received a tip off from a woman who sounded like the actress from Drive Angry and The Rum Diary. They acted on this information, but we’ll clear this whole thing up soon enough. As long as Johnny doesn’t insist on paying me in cotton balls again. The whole case doesn’t make any sense. If he really wanted to do it, why would he announce it to an audience of thousands of people? In a filmed event?

However, security consultants have stated that this kind of anticipated confession represents a common tactic of double bluff. John Wilkes Booth openly spoke of assassinating Abraham Lincoln ‘as a joke’ before then actually assassinating Abraham Lincoln ‘for reals’.

On the bright side, it looks unlikely that there’ll be another Pirates of the Caribbean film in the near future.

NEW SEASON OF THE COSBY SHOW LOOKS UNLIKELY

HOLLYWOOD – It looks like there will not be a new season of popular sit-com The Cosby Show.

Speaking from a hotel in New York, Bill Cosby admitted that it is unlikely there will be a new season of The Cosby Show:

It looks like we’ve come to the end of the road. I was hoping to revamp it. What with all the reboots around at the moment – Twin Peaks and Fuller House and what not, I figured the time had come to get the cast together once more. I think there’d be an audience for that but what with the changing demographic and the sexual assaulting I guess it looks like a tough deal.

Wait did you just say sexual assaulting?

I meant alleged. Alleged.

So what’s next?

Well, I’ve put out feelers. I’d like to appear in a film.

Who did you contact?

Woody Allen. And Roman Polanski.

Wait weren’t they both accused…?

And some of the younger talent. I’ve always wanted to work with Casey Affleck and Johnny Depp. I thought I might try my hand at punditry.

You mean on a News channel.

Yeah. I’ve got opinions. I’ve left I don’t know how many messages with Roger Ailes but he doesn’t seem to be returning my calls. How low can you go that even Roger Ailes doesn’t return your calls!?

Bill Cosby will be appearing in a new film with Bill O’Reilly. Click HERE to read more.

PAUL MCCARTNEY STANDS IN FOR JOHNNY DEPP

HOLLYWOOD – Former Beatle Paul McCartney has replaced Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Pirates of the Caribbean adds Paul McCartney as captain Jack Sparrow in the latest instalment of the hit Pirate franchise. The leader of the Frog Chorus told Studio Exec:

Oh aye lar! It were sound! Me mate Johnny Depp called me up and said he was feeling a bit under the weather and would I come in and take his place. I said, ‘Yer what?’ And he said, ‘You know do a bit of acting like, for me’. I said ‘Fab!’

When did he call you?

Yesterday.

Would you like to do more acting?

I acted in the Beatles films obvs. And I did a cameo in Live and Let Die but it got cut because they said it was offensive. I dreamed of being an actor when I was a tyke. I don’t want to be known for just silly little love songs.

Did they change the script for you?

Yeah. Politics still interests me. Although the film needs to entertain the audience, it can also make people think.

About what?

Racism for one. I can’t believe racism still exists in 2017. I said to Kanye and Rihanna ‘It does me head in racism!’ They said I was right.

So how does that enter into the film?

 Captain Jack Sparrow is hunting for the grand piano of tolerance where the keys – the black and white keys, it’s a metaphor – live together in harmony. Once Jack has the piano, he’ll play a concert and stop all wars.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Pipes of Peace will be released in 2018.

 

JOHNNY DEPP DONATES 15 MILLION COTTON BALLS TO AFRICA

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp today donated 15 million cotton balls to Africa.

Johnny Depp announced he had donated 15 million cotton balls to Africa ‘to help with you know famine and stuff’. The troubled actor recently surprised tourists with his appearance as Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. He told the Studio Exec:johnny depp cotton balls

I’m amazing. Charity is my first love. I can’t live in a world where some people have 15,000 cotton balls a day and while others don’t have any. That just ain’t fair. Also, I want to get involved in going to the Syrian refugees and giving them some vintage electric guitars. I’ve seen the news and some of those guys just have cheap Fender replicas. It’s heartbreaking.

The move was widely seen as a publicity stunt to distract from the actor’s legal woes. First it was his plot to fill Australia with dog disease. Then his breakup with wife Amber Heard. Now he is in what could be a costly dispute with his business managers: The Management Group’s Joel and Robert Mandel. The Edward Scissorhands actor accused them of mismanagement. But the pair have counter-accused Depp of an extravagant lifestyle, something he did little to discount in a Wall Street Journal interview. In it he stated:

It’s my money. If I want to buy 15,000 cotton balls a day, it’s my thing.

The donation is evidently part of his private stock. Which countries in Africa will specifically receive the largess is as yet unclear.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack Sparrow’s Legal Fees will be released in 2019.