HOLLYWOOD – As the final days in the trial of the century play out, the Depp Vs Heard movie has been announced with a cast already in place. The movie will be called Turds Of Endearment. Danny Devito will play Amber Heard and Johnny Depp will be played by Charlie Day. The Exec spoke with writer, director and producer on the project Sidney Fastbuck.
Sidney, Where Did You Get The Idea for a Depp Vs Heard Movie?
In a word? TikTok. My timeline is full of their bullshit. It used to be badly edited videos of dogs jumping over pools of crocodiles. But now, it’s one or both of them pouting like their life depended on it. So I thought, if these douchebags are getting rich from those douchebags, then why can’t I?
I Assume This Is Going To Be A Comedy?
Why would you assume that? I’ve written a heartbreaking drama about love gone bad.
But Your Cast Suggests It’s An Extended It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Episode.
It’s Always what now?
Sunny In Philadelphia. They Even Did An Episode Entitled Who Pooped The Bed.
I’ve never heard of that show in my life. If you ask me, it sounds disgusting. Who’s in it?
Your Two Leads, Danny DeVito and Charlie Day.
They never mentioned any of that to me. How weird is that? Still, it can’t be very popular if I’ve never heard of it.
It’s Ran For 15 Seasons So Far.
15? Huh. Well, it’s too late now, I’ve had the sets built. Do you know how expensive it was to recreate all the Pirates Of The Caribbean, Aquaman and Justice League sets? $440million. Just for a few shots of them in their respective careers.
Could You Not Get The Rights To Use Actual Footage From Those Movies?
Sorry, do what?
Surely It Would Have Been Far Cheaper To Just Buy The Footage Of Those Films.
Son of a bitch. I never thought of that. You’re a smart kid, y’know.
I’m 48 Years Old.
Turds Of Endearment Begins Shooting Later This Summer
HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp today donated 15 million cotton balls to Africa.
Johnny Depp announced he had donated 15 million cotton balls to Africa ‘to help with you know famine and stuff’. The troubled actor recently surprised tourists with his appearance as Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. He told the Studio Exec:
I’m amazing. Charity is my first love. I can’t live in a world where some people have 15,000 cotton balls a day and while others don’t have any. That just ain’t fair. Also, I want to get involved in going to the Syrian refugees and giving them some vintage electric guitars. I’ve seen the news and some of those guys just have cheap Fender replicas. It’s heartbreaking.
The move was widely seen as a publicity stunt to distract from the actor’s legal woes. First it was his plot to fill Australia with dog disease. Then his breakup with wife Amber Heard. Now he is in what could be a costly dispute with his business managers: The Management Group’s Joel and Robert Mandel. The Edward Scissorhands actor accused them of mismanagement. But the pair have counter-accused Depp of an extravagant lifestyle, something he did little to discount in a Wall Street Journal interview. In it he stated:
It’s my money. If I want to buy 15,000 cotton balls a day, it’s my thing.
The donation is evidently part of his private stock. Which countries in Africa will specifically receive the largess is as yet unclear.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack Sparrow’s Legal Fees will be released in 2019.
HOLLYWOOD – Following the announcement of her divorce with Johnny Depp, Amber Heard has already been seen with a new partner.
The marriage did not last long, but Amber Heard and Johnny Depp seem to now have definitively parted ways. However, the actress has wasted little time in introducing her new boyfriend to the world via a viral YouTube video. In it she sits side by side with her new guy, in an obvious contrast with the infamous Australian dog apology video of a month ago. Whereas in the latter Depp was a dead eyed and bloated ghoul in the new one Amber’s new flame seems full of life and frolics. Ms. Heard spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about what is going on.
For months now it hasn’t been happening between me and Johnny. Of course, I love him very much, but he was so quiet and subdued. Nothing like the man I remember falling in love with on the big screen. We tried to talk it through and Johnny said he had some ideas about how he could brighten up our lives but then he did nothing. All of a sudden though I met Matt Hatter.
Yes. One day Johnny went out to get some cigarettes and the next minute there was a ring on the doorbell and Matt Hatter was there body popping and acting zany. It was exactly who I needed and when Matt left and then twenty minutes later Johnny came back I told him that it was time to go our separate ways.
How did he take it?
Really badly. He was really upset. And I felt sorry for him. He went into the bathroom to weep with his valise, but then – I don’t know how he got in there – Matt came out of the same bathroom and the crazy fun started again. My mind was made up at that point.
Aren’t Johnny and Matt the same person though?
You’re the second person to say that. The first was Johnny. But of course he’ll say anything to get me back.
Amber Heard and Matt Hatter will be starring in their own HBO special, a musical version of Fight Club. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.