THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS PLOT LEAKS

MOVIE NEWS – With the release of the first trailer for Lana Wachowski’s 4th Matrix film comes the inevitable, as The Matrix Resurrections plot leaks online. Hackers have gained access to Warner Bros final shooting script and the details are staggering. The Matrix Resurrections plot leaks will turn not only your rabbit, but also your shit white.

The Matrix Resurrections Plot Leaks Feel Weirdly Familiar

The Exec has read the script. And even after reading it, this is all we could figure out. We join Neo in a new reality where he is now known as John Wick. For years he has been an international super assassin with a soft spot for dogs. But now he’s in retirement… and therapy with Dr. Doogie Howser. Mirrors are now portals our hero can walk through. So there’s that.

Oh Jeez, Don’t Even Trip Dawg

Talking of portals, a strange Doctor with a weird child sidekick arrives through a green portal, claiming to be the smartest being in the Universe, but he disappears halfway through for an annoying mid-season break. So we’re back with Neo-sorry- John Wick (it’s confusing when they have the same hair). And he bumps into Trinity, although she isn’t and doesn’t recognize him. And he isn’t, and doesn’t either. So that’s all clear.

Crash, Bang, Zoom

And then shit starts exploding and there’s punching and kicking in bullet time. And The Matrix is now the hotel for assassins run by Lovejoy from Deadwood. There’s a really important Macguffin in one of the rooms. It’s really mysterious and wrapped up in pseudo-eastern philosophy. It’s like Sun Tzu rewriting Cloud Atlas filtered through Ayn Rand. This stuff is so convoluted, they had to get that friggin’ douche, The Architect back just to explain this stuff to justify blowing up a helicopter. We don’t care, just blow the fucking helicopter up. But don’t panic. Neo still says ‘Woah’ at least once every reel. And he still knows Kung Fu.

The Matrix Resurrections Is Released In December, And We Can’t Wait

JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2 NOT BASED ON A BOOK

HOLLYWOOD – John Wick: Chapter 2 is not based on a big book.

Despite the word ‘chapter’ in the title, John Wick: Chapter 2 does not derive from a literary source. Chad Stahelski admitted that the first film was an original idea and the sequel will be a new story even though it claims to be Chapter 2.

We’re using Chapter 2 because first of all we thought  just 2 was boring and part 2 would suggest the first one was incomplete, which it wasn’t. So we used chapter instead. But we didn’t base it on some big book written by Tolstoy or something.

Seriously? That’s confusing.

I know. I’m sorry. We don’t actually read books.

Is there a dog?

I can’t say.

Jesus.

Keanu Reeves shoots lots of people in the face.

Oh okay. Now I’m happy.

Good.

John Wick: Chapter 2 will be released in 2017.

 

AGENT SMITH WILL BE IN JOHN WICK 2

HOLLYWOOD –  John Wick 2 will see Keanu Reeves reunited with his oldest foe – Agent Smith.

The internet exploded today when the news came in that Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) will be coming up against John Wick in the sequel to the surprise action hit film of last year: John Wick 2. Although little is known of the new film, stunt men turned directing team Chad Stahelski and David Leitch popped around to the Studio Exec Bungalow to shoot the breeze, and the waiters, the dog, the glassware, the curtains and an exploding car: which they walked away from without looking back.

We loved directing Keanu in the old movie and we are absolutely hyped about the new one. But we felt that it needed an extra push to make it better and we’re both great admirers of the cinema of Paul Thomas Anderson and particularly what he did with the Predator and Alien franchise in Predator V Alien. And so we thought how can we cross over John Wick with something else Keanu has done. Originally we worked on a script called John Wick’s Bogus Journey, but it didn’t quite match the tone and then we thought, what if John Wick was actually taking place in another version of the Matrix before Neo was Neo? When he was John Wick? You see?

I get it.

Wick gets the job of killing Agent Smith, but of course that isn’t going to be easy. This will heighten the tension quite a bit. And we already have a scene where Smith says ‘Mr. Anderson’ and Keanu goes, ‘Err, no, John Wick, dude.’ And then blows his ass away. Oops Spoiler.

John Wick V Agent Smith will be released in 2017.

COWBOY NINJA VIKING ‘JUST A BUNCH OF WORDS’ ADMITS PRODUCER

HOLLYWOOD – New Chris Pratt project Cowboy Ninja Viking is ‘just a random collection of words’ admitted the producer today.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, a producer close to the film said:

Everything about the film is pretty random actually. I mean we’re even getting the guys who did John Wick, David Leitch and Chad Stahelski, to direct it and nothing could be more random than that.

So you don’t have a story, or script?

Story!? Ha! Well, yeah originally the idea was for the film to be a sequel to Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. We were brainstorming and just throwing stuff to the wall. Butcher Baker Candlestick Maker, someone said, Cannibal Pederast Belieber. And then someone said ‘Hey Cowboy Ninja Viking Pirate?’ And someone else said… I think it was me … said: ‘Lose Pirate’ and the rest is history, or the future. One of the two.

But we heard the film is based on a comic book by A.J. Lieberman and the artist Riley Rossmo, isn’t that true?

Oh we always say that when we haven’t got a script. Remember Iron Man, that was supposed to be a sequel to the Iron Giant but we just spat some stuff out and pretended it was based on a comic book. Ironically there now is a comic book. Who would have thought, huh?

Cowboy Ninja Viking will be released in 2016.

NRA GETS OSCAR CATEGORY

HOLLYWOOD – The National Rifle Association (NRA) to get its own Oscar category at the upcoming Motion Picture Academy Awards.

The decision came following a marked increase in movies with firearms featuring prominently. John Wick, Taken 3 and American Sniper all use gun play as an essential element of the narrative, stated a  spokesperson for the NRA.

You can see that we’re winning the argument all across America. Guns have never been more popular or more beloved. Look at the success of American Sniper! Box office records shot to pieces. And Oscar nominations up the wahtoosie! Whereas The Lego Movie… where were the guns in that piece of shit?

But that was a kids’ film?

So what? Kids love guns and they even love to fire them.  Under proper supervision obviously. Not just stealing mom’s gun. That’d be wrong.

The category will be called ‘Most Imaginative Use of Guns in a Motion Picture’.

The nominations this year are:

John Wick

Taken 3

American Sniper

Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill For

Still Alice

For more Oscars, click here.