5 FACTS ABOUT JAWS

AMITY – Jaws! That’s it. We’re going to need a bigger fact!

Jaws. This was NO BOATING ACCIDENT! Get your facts together for one of the best films ever to be made about a shark eating a man who delivered the atom bomb they dropped on Hiroshima. FA—–ACT, FA——-ACT, FACT FACT FACT FACT (didder-derrr!)

1. Steven Spielberg occasionally used a fake shark when he believed using a real shark would endanger the actors. If you look very carefully some experts can tell the difference by the general plastic rubbery crapness of the model shark and the real one. But you have to be an expert.  

2. Quint was named Squint in the original Peter Benchley novel because he squinted so much, but Robert Shaw told Spielberg he’d like to change the name because Squint made him sound like a cock womble.

3. The Indianapolis scene was a stroke of great good fortune. Spielberg asked John Milius if he had any ideas and Milius had tons but they were all rubbish. Then Milius went for a walk across his favourite golf club and got hit by lightning. He wrote the scene out as he still smoked from the lightning strike. Everyone was amazed. He’s never done anything as good, prior or since. 

4. Ben Gardner was based on a real gardener.

5. All the sequels made following the success of the original were directed by Steven Spielberg though he had his name taken off the credits in each case because they were generally as good as finding flaky dog shit on your toothbrush after you’ve brushed your teeth.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

ISLAMIC STATE TERRIFIED OF AN ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE

MOSUL – It was revealed today that the terrorist group Islamic State are terrified at the prospect there might be an Ice Bucket Challenge launched against them.

The radical Sunni Islamic sect Islamic State (aka IS, ISIS and ‘the greatest existential threat we’ve ever faced since that asteroid Bruce Willis gave his life destroying’, British PM David Cameron), it has emerged, is absolutely terrified of the Ice Bucket Challenge. The Ice Bucket Challenge was launched in 2014 and effectively ended amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (aka Lou Gherig disease) within weeks of Steven Spielberg and assorted celebrities tipping water over themselves and challenging others to do the same. Now it is rumored that the force of the IBC is to be unleashed on the brutal terrorist group Islamic State, who now quiver with fear at the prospect of internet celebrity splashing.

The Studio Exec’s Middle East expert John Milius had this to say:

The threat of the Ice Bucket Challenge is two fold. First of all there is the huge weight of public opinion thrust against them. Essentially the Ice Bucket Challenge is the Fatwah of the Western World when it comes to this kind of shit. The second is that they will be nominated to actually do the Ice Bucket Challenge. These are hardened Jihadists, but they really hate the feeling of being doused in ice water. It’s why they live in Syria and Iraq to start with, and not Norway.

The chances of an Ice Bucket Challenge being launched in the next 32 minutes is currently 45%.

GREAT WHITE SHARK ATTACKS TO MARK JAWS 40TH ANNIVERSARY

HOLLYWOOD – A school of great white sharks have been released into the oceans in a badly thought out attempt to mark the 40th anniversary of the release of Steven Spielberg’s Jaws.

Forty years ago today, the most ominous four bar intro in cinema history broke the surface of the collective subconscious and Jaws has been terrifying swimmers ever since. Universal have decided to mark the occasion not only with a limited release of the original film, but also by releasing several ferocious Great White sharks into the water over the weekend. These sharks have been bred in captivity and the hope is that up and down the Eastern seaboard the sharks will be expected to attack bathers at a number of surprise locations, re-enacting the terror of the film. But don’t worry, Richard Dreyfuss, John Milius and Steven Spielberg are also setting sale in a replica boat based on the Orca to shoot barrels into the sharks and hopefully kill them before the death count gets too high.

We spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Richard Dreyfuss:

Of course, ideally we would love to have Robert Shaw and Roy Schieder here beside me, but John Milius helped rewrite one of the most iconic scenes in the film Jaws and Steven Spielberg made his name as a director, directing it. He is also I’m pleased to say, an excellent shot.

But what about the risk someone might get hurt?

That’s the beautiful thing. You see legally once we release the sharks we’re no longer legally culpable for anything they do. Best case scenario they kill a nude swimmer, a boating instructor, a little boy, a dog and perhaps Ben Gardner Jr., who we’ve persuaded to put in harm’s way, just to get into the spirit of the original, filmed all those year’s ago.

And what do you say to animal rights groups who object to what is essentially a contrived blood sport?

Oh f*ck them. I didn’t get to play Mr. Holland in Mr. Holland’s Opus by listening to every nay-sayer and whinger who fluttered across my transom. No sir! And if any of them try to stop us Milius will go Conan  on their asses. To be honest, I think the sharks are going to have a good chance. I plan to smash the radio equipment the moment I can and we’ve made the new Orca incredibly brittle. I predict by Sunday afternoon one of us is going to be spitting blood while the machete drops from their lifeless fingers! Ha ha!

For more on Jaws CLICK HERE.

HBO TO CONSIDER REVIVING ROME

HOLLYWOOD – HBO are considering reviving the critically lauded sword and sandals show Rome which was cancelled after only two seasons in 2008, following high costs and low viewing figures.

Continue reading “HBO TO CONSIDER REVIVING ROME”

MILIUS: REVIEW












I remember when John Milius wrestled a giant squid, strangled an alligator to death with his bare hands, wrote the entire screenplay to Magnum Force and single handedly invaded Cuba, all before breakfast. 

Everyone in Hollywood has a Milius story to tell that involves guns, girls and fights with mythical beasties. In fact, Steven Spielberg has a saying that the only living organisms that will survive a nuclear holocaust are cockroaches and John Milius. Of course, Spielberg himself would survive – he’d be in a luxury underground bunker with rest of the world’s elite, but the point he is making is that Milius is one tough bastard and it’s a point well made.

The new documentary Milius, dual-directed by long time Kevin Smith henchmen Joey Figueroa(Doctor Strange lookalike) and Zack Knutsford (Walter White lookalike), is competently produced and showered with interviews from Milius’ friends, fans and collaborators. Francis Ford Coppola comes across as a man who is pissed off that the documentary isn’t about him, Scorsese jabbers on about something very rapidly, and Harrison Ford‘searring is exceptionally sparkly. Practically everyone in Hollywood turns up to pay homage but many have nothing to say; they’re just there.

As a reminder to the world that Milius exists the documentary is essential viewing and the only major flaw is the lack of conversations with the man himself, which due to a recent stroke never took place, but the final scenes prove that Spielberg was right all along. Milius is indeed one tough bastard and miraculously, his best work might be still to come.  

Milius will be released at selected UK cinemas on November 1st 2013.

IMDB THEME PARK DUE IN 2018

 

Peggy Sue Got Married Ride

The Internet Movie Database otherwise known as IMDB has announced it’s first theme park will open in Orlando, Florida in summer 2018.

 
The Studio Exec sat down with the owner Col Needham to ask him about the exciting project.
 
Col. Why a theme park?
 
It’s something I’ve been developing for over 10 years. I went to Disneyland Paris and it was so disappointing I thought, we can do better than this.



What didn’t you like about Disneyland?
 
It was just old hat. Boring rides, overpriced hot dogs and those creepy characters in costumes wandering around. I mean, who really gives a shit about Goofy and Pluto? Most kids these days wouldn’t recognize them in a police line-up!
 
So what is IMDB’s take on the theme park experience?
 
Well for one we have an enormous pool of movies to draw from. We also want to give the ticket buyer an experience they never had before so many of our rides are incredibly dangerous.
 
Dangerous?
 
Yeah. In fact there is like a 70% chanced you will be killed or maimed which is why you have to sign a waiver before you enter.
 
Interesting. Can you reveal some of the attractions?
 
Sure. We have TheShawshank Redemptionwhich is an underground log flume through a river of raw sewage. The idea behind Inception isyou’re plugged into the mainframe and you have to kill the other participants in their dreams. Dr Strangelove is a good one that involves you riding an atomic bomb dropped from a plane and there’s also The Schindler’s List Experiencebut we are having some legal issues with that one.
 
Wow. What does that involve?
 
You really don’t want to know. The original concept broke several protocols of the Geneva convention
The Apocalypse Now ‘Never get off the boat’ Ride

 

Sounds great. What would you say is your personal favorite?
 
I like The Apocalypse Nowride. It was designed by John Milius and it’s a kind of Ghost Train on water. We were a bit heavy handed with the napalm last week and several members of our crew were burnt beyond recognition but it all worked out. We had their dental records.
 
Well I must say Col I’m looking forward to it. Thanks for the interview.
 
No problem. It was my pleasure

SHEEN AND ESETEVEZ CAPTURE MILIUS IN CAMBODIA

PHNOM PENH – News came in last night of a frantic and heroic mission carried out under the leadership of veteran Navy Seal and part time actor Charlie Sheen to ‘capture and extract’ John Milius from the jungle near the Cambodian border where he was ruling as warrior/filmmaker/king protected by the cast and crew of the (unnecessary) Red Dawn remake.
Under strictest secrecy Seal team 8 penetrated Cambodian territory and fought through Milius’ lines until they cornered the Big Wednesday director who despite his adoption of a suit of parakeet feathers was still recognizable by his trademark baseball cap. The operation was the culmination of weeks of preparation under the firm hand of Sean Penn who was called in at the last minute when Clint Eastwood had to pull out due to his pending court case with Ikea concerning the veteran filmmakers harassment of a stool set.

John Milius


Charlie Sheen was accompanied by Emilio Estevez as the Repo Man – as he prefers to be called – had nothing to do on a Tuesday anyway.
When asked whether Michael Biehn was also involved a Pentagon spokesman said, ‘Who?’

Milius will share a cell in Guatanamo with Michael Bay who was recently captured in Vietnam after attempting to restart the war because it would be ‘you know exciting.’

THE WAR IS OVER: Michael Bay captured by Sean Penn

WASHINGTON -President Obama gave a press conference this morning, confirming reports that Sean Penn has seized Michael Bay, and the director no longer poses a threat to America or it’s allies.

“I got a call from Sean late last night,” said a sanguine Obama, “He only said four words to me – ‘We got him chief’ – and the line went dead. Later, I found out his I-Phone had run out of battery power.”

The president went on to reveal the details of Penn’s daring dawn raid on Bay’s position.

“A CIA operative received a tip off that Bay was located in a KFC in down town Hanoi, where he was posing as a deputy manager. Penn entered the premises unarmed and ordered a Zinger tower meal with a Sprite and gravy side. Bay immediately recognized Sean and tried to bolt for the door, but when he paused to punch out his shift card, Sean managed to subdue him and slap on the handcuffs.”

The news of Bay’s capture had an immediate knock-on-effect in the presidential polls and Obama is now odds-on to win a second term. Mitt Romney, who previously suggested the government should nuke Vietnam in order to end Bay’s reign of terror, admitted he was “Pleased the threat had been neutralized.”, but added, “I’m still convinced we should have dropped the bomb. I mean, what’s the point of having nuclear weapons if we don’t use them?”

Bay is currently on a plane bound for Guantanamo Bay were he will be interrogated by Steven Spielberg who is said to be “Pissed.” that Bay abandoned work on Transformers 4 to invade Vietnam and was overheard exclaiming “I can’t wait to get my hands on that prick. I want my f*cking Dinobots!”

Although Bay’s apprehension officially brings an end to the conflict, the US government is yet to declare what they intend to do about John Milius, who is rumored to be located up the Nung River in Cambodia where he has gathered a band of devoted acolytes and declared himself “Warrior King.”

“We know Milius is out there waiting.”, said an anonymous Pentagon insider, “And it’s only matter of time before we send one of our own to take him down.”

MICHAEL BAY’S VIETNAM WAR: WEEK 2

HANOI – Michael Bay and his rag tag army of Hollywood actors, stunt men and special effects guys are in full retreat as the counter offensive saw them routed from their strong hold in the American embassy.
According to eyewitnesses, a crack squad of Vietnamese soldiers infiltrated the embassy by posing as pizza delivery guys. Claiming they had an extra big pizza in the van, they lured the American film maker and his explosive experts out of the embassy and onto Vietnamese soil where they were strafed by a heavy machine gun.

Lots of things exploded from three different angles and Michael Bay, with hand outstretched as though trying to grab the unravelling fabric of history and ravel it back, shouted ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ in slow motion. A journalist from Reuters described how the Hollywood stuntmen ‘were crying like girls’.

The remains of Bay’s army grabbed the pizza and fled the scene. Soon the retreat turned into a rout as they were pursued by heavily armed mopeds.

‘Dumber than an old stool sample


Bay had been waiting for promised reinforcements from John Milius, who has (as we can now EXCLUSIVELY report) diverted into Cambodia with his private army and declared himself ‘Warrior King’.

Sean Penn is – at time of writing – preparing a rescue squad to go in and pull Michael Bay ‘out of his own ass’, as Penn put it.

For more on the back ground of the war click here or here.