WILLEM DAFOE’S MASSIVE COCK

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec can reveal that Willem Dafoe’s massive cock has caused problems on many of his movie sets. We spoke to several film makers and co-stars to really get our teeth into the actor’s massive manhood.

Willem Dafoe’s Massive Cock Exclusive

For years rumor after rumor has spread through Hollywood offices and corridors about the size of Dafoe’s chap. Production budgets have soared with strange costs attributed to ‘additional costumes’ or ‘gusset repairs’. The Exec has spoken with many of tinsel town’s top names to get to the root of the story.

Martin Scorsese

When we were filming The Last Temptation Of Christ, we had to stop shooting the crucifixion scene because it popped out. We nearly had to rename the film ‘The Last Temptation Of CHRIST, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT!’ Luckily, a brave member (pardon the pun) of our costume crew pushed the thing back out of sight.

Sam Raimi

While shooting the first Spiderman movie, the plan was to have Willem in a spandex Green Goblin costume. The resultant protuberance when in costume was gonna be a real distraction. It would send more than your Spidey-sense a tinglin’, believe me. Back then the cgi wasn’t good enough to just paint the thing green and fix it in post-production. So we went with the exo-skeletal costume you see in the movie. Just so we could hide his massive cock. For the sequel, we nearly went with Revenge Of The Green Goblin with the tagline, ‘If you try Gobblin’ this, you’ll also turn green.’ But marketing shut that one down, pretty quick. Those people have no sense of humor.

John Malkovich

When we were filming Shadow Of The Vampire, it wasn’t the shadow of his talons that drew the eye. But as soon we saw the shadow of his super-sized schlong, we all held our arms over our eyes like Nosferatu when he sees the sunrise. Horrific.

Norman Reedus

I’ll never forget the shoot for The Boondock Saints. There was a scene where Willem dresses in drag to infiltrate the villain’s hideout. He had to tape up his boy bits to his leg, so he could wear pantyhose. It was a low budget shoot, so it was all hands to his pump. Took four of us an hour and a half to wrestle that thing into submission. I’m in The Walking Dead, and that was most frightened I’ve ever been. I’ve seen things, man. Real bad things.

Willem Dafoe Is Currently Appearing In The Northman

HBO ANNOUNCES MORGAN FREEMAN SPECIAL

HOLLYWOOD – HBO yesterday announced as part of its Fall scheduling a new eight part series starring Morgan Freeman and entitled Morgan Freeman Sits on a Stool and Reads from the Phone Book.

Each episode will feature the Shawshank Redemption star and Oscar winner sitting on a comfortable stool – ‘like a bar stool’ – and reading from the telephone book.

‘People have been saying that I have a mellifluous honey toned voice,’ Mr Freeman said. ‘And more than once someone has said to me, I could listen to you read from the phone book. So I got to thinking… Why not.’ 

Of course the concept isn’t entirely original. One of the television highlights of last year was the HBO special, ‘Sir Ian McKellen Sits in a Comfy Armchair and Reads the Yellow Pages.’ Producer Sally Arlow said that audience figures were through the roof so a follow up was almost inevitable. ‘But whereas Sir Ian brings with him the Gandalfy Shakespearey Englishness, we had a lot of conversations with Morgan about making his 8 part series a specifically American experience. Hence the stool.’

‘The show is not going to appeal to everyone,’ says Ms. Arlow. ‘The iPhone generation, people with computers, Google, that sort of person. But there is still an audience of perhaps more traditional, very sleepy people who wish to doze in front of the television while Morgan Freeman reads from the phone book.’

Although the exact identity of the phone book has not been revealed, there are already plans afoot for similar programming should Morgan Freeman Sits on a Stool and Reads from the Phone Book prove a success.

Dame Judi Dench has expressed an interest in reading out John Deere Tractors Owner Manuals while sitting in a wicker chair. And John Malkovich has just signed on for a new NBC programme entitled: John Malkovich Sits in a Jacuzzi and Reads out Wikipedia Entries of Long Forgotten Boy Bands from the 1980s.

Morgan Freeman Sits on a Stool and Reads from the Phone Book will show this Fall.