PIXAR TO REMAKE LOVE

CANNES – In news that rocked the Croisette John Lasseter announced that Pixar is set to remake Gaspar Noe’s 3D porn film Love.

The Toy Story director spoke EXCLUSIVELY to George Miller, who told close friend the Studio Exec:

Love is one of those films that as soon as you see it you know there has to be an English language remake.

But Love is in English.

It is? Really? I didn’t notice. Okay, but still what I meant to say was an animated version. This will be the first time Pixar takes an existing property and turns it into a film. So we’re very excited.

But isn’t this a departure for Pixar?

Not at all actually. You see we’re tired of making films which appeal to children and adults alike. We have made some films – Cars 2 for instance – which appealed to no one at all. But now we want to make our first adult film and Gaspar Noe’s Love seems like the perfect fit.

How so?

We initially were thinking of making a sequel to Inside Out, taking the story into adulthood, but obviously that means that we would be dealing with some issues that we don’t normally deal with. Sex for instance. So when we saw Love I slapped my forehead and cried out ‘This is the sequel to Inside Out.’

Pixar’s Love will be released in 2017.

TOY STORY 4 TO MERGE WITH THE LEGO MOVIE 2

HOLLYWOOD – The long awaited sequel Toy Story 4 will also be The Lego Movie 2, Pixar Animation Studios announced today.

John Lasseter, who will co-direct the film, spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We’re working on the script, but right from the get go we realized that the Toy Story universe and the Lego Movie universe are essentially the same universe, so we want to incorporate the two and make one huge toy universe in which almost anything can happen. At first everyone thought I was crazy, but I had just one word: merchandizing.

So what’s the story?

Story? Oh yeah, story. Well basically, Emmet Brickowski (Chris Pratt) has decided to take a holiday in Old West Land where he meets the Lego version of Woody (Tom Hanks). The two become friends but Woody gets hit on the head and suddenly remembers that there is a whole world out there with Andy and Buzz Lightyear and his friends. The world they’re living in is a construct. A kind of Maatrix based on capitalistic exploitation of childhood imagination.

Heavy.

Absolutely. We’ve all been reading Thomas Piketty and the guy has a point. In fact we brought him in to do a rewrite. Anyway, Woody – with Emmet’s help escapse Old West Land and goes to Sci-Fi Planet where he meets up with Lego Buzz and Batman, who are best buddies.  They all journey through a series of worlds until finally they make it to the real world where they discover that Andy has grown up and is now a middle aged man. He is [SPOILER] President Business (Will Ferrell).

Post modern.

I know. That’s basically Miller and Lord and Piketty. President Business is merging everything into bigger and bigger conglomerates, stifling originality and turning out an endless repetition of instant nostalgia to keep us all in a state of suspended immaturity. Essentially, he’s Disney.

Hey, but you’re Disney?

I know. This is going to be the most honest self evaluation since Saint Augustine.

Jesus.

No, I said Saint Augustine.

The Toy Lego Story Movie 6 will be out in the Summer.

 

TOY STORY 4 WILL BE LIVE ACTION

HOLLYWOOD – John Lasseter announced yesterday that Toy Story 4, the unwanted sequel to the perfect Toy Story trilogy will be Pixar’s first live action film.

Lasseter spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We are very excited in doing new things at Pixar. A few years ago we wouldn’t have even contemplated doing sequels, with the exception of Toy Story, now it seems like we do nothing but. Anyhoo, in the spirit of wanting to do stuff we’ve never done before I thought: what if we did a live action film?

Will it be the same cast?

Yeah, I mean no. Not really. The idea is that Woody and Buzz are really old now. So I thought we could have Clint Eastwood play Woody and George Clooney could play Buzz Lightyear. After all, he’s got the suit from Gravity already and his voice is exactly the same as Tim Allen’s and let’s face it Tim’s not so easy on the eye. I mean Home Improvement? He could do with some face improvement! Ha ha ha ha. No, that’s not really funny.

What do you say about the reaction many people have had?

That they think Toy Story 4 is a great idea?

Uhm. No. That they think you’re tinkering with perfection.

Oh. Yeah. Well, that’s why I’m doing it.

Come again?

I have been studying the Navajo culture. And they have an idea that really struck me. The idea is that if something is perfect it takes part of your soul. So you have to make sure that anything you create isn’t perfect. There has to be inbuilt imperfection. Well, Toy Story and Toy Story 2 and 3 are kind of perfect. And the funny thing is, I feel like my soul has been going. I don’t understand. Ever since I started working for Disney. It’s like it’s being chipped away from inside. So I’m going to make the trilogy an imperfect quadrology.

That’s crazy.

Is it? Francis Ford Coppola’s soul shrank and shrank. Then he made Godfather Part III and boom! You should see the size of his soul now. It’s boggling.

Toy Story 4 will be released in 2017.

PIXAR BUY RIGHTS TO TOXIC AVENGER

SAN FRANCISCO – Animation studio Pixar have secured the rights to the 1984 Troma movie The Toxic Avenger, along with possible sequel rights.

According to in-house sources, the studio was disappointed with the critical reception of its last two films Cars 2 and The Brave and felt that a radical change of direction was necessary.

John Lasseter took a giant shit on Cars 2 and now he feels he needs to come up with something that is going to reclaim the studio’s reputation for quality,’ says Dwight, an animator who does mostly hands. ‘Then The Brave came out and everyone’s like this is just Disneyed the fuck up so we went across the street to Eli Roth and asked him about who had the rights to Hostel. He turned us down with some bullshit, so next stop Troma.’

Troma have already been looking to remake some of their movies as PG 13 entertainment pieces with ladled on nostalgia value. Lloyd Kaufman said that Troma were delighted to be collaborating with the famed and Oscar winning team that brought Toy Story to the screen.

Usually Pixar make films that are ostensibly for kids but which adults can also enjoy, but this time they’ll make kids which are definitely for adults but which we know kids will somehow get to see and enjoy. Whatever happens it has to be better than Cars 2 which neither kids nor adults enjoyed.

The Toxic Avenger is in the early stages of production and the release date is yet to be scheduled.