IF YOU PLAY TENET BACKWARDS IT MAKES SENSE

HOLLYWOOD – Playing Tenet backwards causes logic to work.

Professor Archi Newton today revealed that playing Tenet backwards makes more sense than the conventional way of screening the film. Newton who teaches ‘The Phenomenology of Happy Days at UCLA told the Studio Exec about the origin  of his discovery.

I remember in the 60s and 70s people frequently played their albums to find messages. It started with the Beatles and then kids did it with Pink Floyd and all these Heavy Metal groups. It was wack. So when I saw Tenet with my sexual partner Cloris, I thought hell, why not. We filmed the film illegally on our phones and then I used some software to reverse the film. All of a sudden everything makes sense. For one thing you can actually hear what the characters are saying.

No shit?

Absolute shit.

Go on.

So the story obviously starts with the Horcrux being hidden and Kenneth Branagh leaping back to life. Then there’s a lot of stuff about trying to get a briefcase to go somewhere. And they put together a van and restore the briefcase there. Then John David Washington and Robert Pattinson take a team apart and then split up themselves. I’d tell you more but I don’t want to spoil the beginning.

Do you think this is the way Christopher Nolan intended for it to be seen?

I don’t give a fuck. The author is dead asshole. And the academic strides the world like a king or queen.

Tenet is in theaters.

TENET CLOCKS IN AT JUST UNDER TWO DAYS

HOLLYWOOD – Eagerly awaited Tenet is almost two days long, according to reports.

Christopher Nolan‘s new film Tenet has a new running time: 46 hours 28 minutes. We learned the figure today from someone on twitter who has fifteen followers and an egg for an avatar. However, film twitter are going wild with the news.

We spoke with Christopher Nolan about his new film and the running time.

So Chris, two days.

Yes, almost that’s right. We think we need a large canvas. IMAX. Almost two days of running time. So bring a bag of crisps and a thermos.

And it’s about time?

Yes. It’s about inversion of time. And it’s about a bunch of people, a hit time of highly skilled professionals doing something that can very easily be read as a metaphor for film making and then everyone in the cinema will go ah! and nod. They work for the government in a kind of agency or something and they’re going to prevent something that’s worse than the apocalypse.

What’s worse than the apocalypse?

An aeroplane exploding!

Brilliant.  

But seriously. This is going to be my masterpiece. It’s like a Wagner film.

What Hart to Hart?

Not Robert Wagner you dolt.

Tenet stars John David Washington, Robert Pattinson, Elizabeth Debicki, Dimple Kapadia, Michael Caine and Branagh.