GARY OLDMAN’S DRAMATIC WEIGHT LOSS CAUSES CONCERN

HOLLYWOOD – Dracula and Darkest Hour star Gary Oldman has appeared in public with an astonishing weight loss.

Friends of Sid and Nancy actor Gary Oldman has caused concern with his quick weight loss. One source close to the actor told the Studio Exec:

It isn’t quite at the intervention stage, but we’re worried. When we last saw him, in the Darkest Hour, he looked well out of shape. I mean fat, bald and grey. At death’s door practically. We didn’t recognize him. Then we saw him again recently and it was like FUCK! What the fuck happened to you? But you know Gary…

I do.

He was just like… chill.

We phoned Oldman up and asked him to talk truth to the EXEC. He said:

Oh, shit. I see what has happened here. People saw me in Churchill mode for Joe Wright’s movie and then they saw me at awards and what not, and they jumped to conclusions.

Cut the shit Oldman. What’s going on?

Pilates.

And that’s it?

Swear to God.

Darkest Hour is in cinemas right now.

 

 

FIRST IMAGE OF GARY OLDMAN AS WINSTON CHURCHILL IS ASTOUNDING

HOLLYWOOD – The first image of Gary Oldman as British Prime Minister Winston Churchill is astounding in its verisimilitude.

The new film – entitled The Darkest Hour – has begun filming and the first image of Oldman was released earlier this week. Anthony Eden who was close pals with the former war leader spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It’s amazing. He’s not only captured the physical Winston, there’s also the glimmer in the eye. It is truly captivating. It’s like seeing my old mucker. Are you absolutely sure this isn’t just a picture of Winston Churchill?

The new film directed by Joe Wright and will also star Lily James, John Hurt and Ben Mendelsohn.

The Darkest Hour will be released in 2017.

TARANTINO TO FILM LONG CHERISHED JANE AUSTEN ADAPTATION

HOLLYWOOD – Even as Quentin Tarantino adds the final touches to The Hateful Eight, rumors are already circulating about his next film being his long-awaited Jane Austen adaptation. 

In an EXCLUSIVE phone call to the Guatemalan office of Studio Exec, Quentin Tarantino was explicit: ‘It’s always been my dream to do a Jane Austen adaptation. I f*cking love Northanger Abbey, and I would costume drama and post-modern irony the shit out of that motherf*cker.’

What attracts you to the 19th Century novelist?

She’s the Elmore Leonard of her time. Just snappy as shit. Tight plotting and strong female characters. I’ve been a fan for years and watched with something like f*cking despair as assholes like Joe Wright and Emma Thompson fuck her up time and time again. 

And who do you see in the film?

I’ve already had long conversations with Samuel L. Jackson about General Tilney. He’d be perfect, cause he has to seem threatening and yet ultimately, well I don’t want to give it away to anyone who hasn’t read the book. By the way Northanger Abbey was published in 1798 and so she wrote that one as an 18th Century novelist. Jamie Foxx would be his son Henry, but as yet I don’t have anyone for Catherine. Maybe Emma Watson. Or Kerry Washington. Or Kurt Russell.

So we can look forward to a radically different Austen, with a black cast and guns and samurai swords and stuff?

Are you f*cking high. No way. Jamie and Sam are gonna white up. I’m not gonna f*ck with the material on this one. No way. The reason I hated Joe Wright’s Pride and Prejudice was cause he went too Bronte on that shit. He Bronte to f*ck out of it. I’m gonna keep it pure Austen. Witty convoluted dialogue and corsets and drawing rooms. The only thing I might change is the title. I kind of like Northanger Motherfucking Abbey Motherfucker which I think is in the spirit of Austen’s anger.  

Northanger Motherf*cking Abbey Motherf*cker will be released in 2017.