AL PACINO REMOVED GLASSES SHOCK

Hollywood – The movie world is reeling today after Al Pacino removed glasses from his eyes upon the heartless instructions of blood thirsty journalists. The incident took place at the New York premiere of Ridley Scott’s latest film, House Of Gucci. Onlookers were stunned as Al Pacino removed glasses, complying with the vicious demands from baying journalists and photographers. Lady Gaga, who is starring alongside Pacino in the movie, tore into the photographers in a four letter-filled tirade of abuse.

Al Pacino Removed Glasses WTAF!

The nightmarish scene played out in full view of movie fans, A-listers and journalists alike. Cuddly Al, was wearing his customary cool shades, so photographers ordered him to remove them. Upon taking his glasses off, Lady Gaga who was with him on the red carpet, unleashed a foul-mouthed rebuke. ‘You put those fucking glasses back on your face Al. Hey you. Yeah, you. Who the fuck do you think this is? He’s Al Fucking Pacino you piece of shit. Why don’t you come up here and let’s go a few rounds. Bafangu, you lousy mook.’

Lady GrrGrr

Lady GaGa then leaped from the red carpeted stage into the crowd of photographers, throwing kicks and punches indiscriminately while shouting, ‘Who wants it? Have it, you pieces of shit.’ Then a group of well-rehearsed publicists pulled her out of the melee. Meanwhile another group of well-rehearsed publicists distributed cash amongst the injured and bleeding paparazzi.

Oh Shit, It’s Jared Leto

Those close by swore they could hear Al Pacino say upon removing his glasses, ‘Wait a minute, is that Jared Leto? Because I thought they said Jay Leno. Was I just in a picture with that wrong’un?’ Then he put his glasses back on and spent the entire premiere sat at the back of the theatre with his arms folded. Those nearby could hear him muttering about his ‘fucking agent’ and ‘Joe Pesci’s got the right fucking idea’.

House Of Gucci Is Now On General Release

FIRST POSTER FOR ALL FEMALE GOODFELLAS

HOLLYWOOD – The first poster for Martin Scorsese’s all female Goodfellas was released EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec today, along with the title: GoodBroads.

The news that there would be an all female Goodfellas came through only yesterday, inspired by the wisdom of the New York Post film ‘critic’ Kyle Smith, who claimed that women ‘don’t get Goodfellas’ based on his extensive (and potentially fictional) girlfriend. The poster shows the principal cast members – Jessica Chastain as Henrietta Hill, Meryl Streep in the role of Jemima ‘the Lady’ Conway and comedienne Melissa McCarthy as Tammy DeVito, the role made iconic by Joe Pesci.

Martin Scorsese hand delivered the new poster to the Studio Exec bungalow and had this to say:

Everyone here is very excited about this revisiting of a classic film, but from a new angle. We have a very talented cast and I already have the original cast members signed up to to do cameos. Ray Liotta will play Henrietta’s father, Robert de Niro will appear briefly as Goombah and Joe Pesci will play Tammy’s father, in a role that was played in the original by my mother.

GoodBroads will be released in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

FIRST LOOK: MCCONAUGHEY’S FREE STATE OF JONES GETS TITLE CHANGE

HOLLYWOOD – Matthew McConaughey’s Civil War time travel comedy previously known as the Free State of Jones has got a change of name and direction: Home Alone: Origins.

Although originally billed as a serious drama, director Gary Ross said the change of direction had been motivated by the star himself. He spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Matthew was very concerned that he had done perhaps one too many gritty role. He’d got his Oscar and it had served him well and his roster looked just a gritty with the the new Reese Witherspoon drama Gritty Mud coming up. So we got together and we thought what can we do to return Matthew to the zone of Failure to Launch and Fool’s Gold. The glory years as we call them.

And?

Well, we had the rights to the Home Alone series and we decide wouldn’t it be fun to do a kind of Lost in Time prequel. What if Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) was staying at his mad scientist uncle’s place, played by McConaughey, and he accidentally got trapped in a time machine and left behind at the time of the Civil War. The uncle has to go back in time to find his nephew. Meanwhile, Kevin goes from bloody battlefield to bloody battlefield, playing a key role in victories and defeats, using improvised cartoon-like weapons, bowling balls, tennis rackets and buckets of cold water.

Sounds hi-lar-ious. Will Culkin be age appropriate though?

Don’t worry we’ll Serkis him. We’ll need to use a lot of CGI anyway. What we first shot is still quite dark and gruesome. But there was always a darkness to Kevin’s story. And Andy Serkis will be perfect in bringing the out.

And what about the Terminator connection?

I’m glad you asked me that. Of course, that is the other great time travel franchise, so we thought why not tie it in? It’s not as if anyone is actually paying attention anymore to continuity or logic. So yes a T2000 will feature in the film, voiced by Joe Pesci!

Home Alone: Origins will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor

JOE PESCI’S LITTLE BOOK OF CALM







NEW JERSEY – When rumours that Joe Pesci was to star in Ang Lee‘s film version of Paul Wilson’s Little Book of Calm were first doing the rounds, many said that it was a perfect fit (for more on that article CLICK HERE).

But it just got even better, with the veteran actor and Goodfellas star Pesci – inspired by the making of the film – publishing his own version of the best-selling anthology of fluffy inspirational wisdom.

Here are some extracts:

When feeling as if the world is on top of you, close your eyes and imagine a beautiful scene; a white beach perhaps, or a tropical island. As calm returns go outside and punch the first person you meet in the throat.

There are two ways of dealing with a tense situation: either accept the stressful contours of life or put someone’s face in a vice.

If life gives you lemons, stab it in the throat with a f*cking pen. 

When you rest you are a king surveying your own calm kingdom. Look at the peacocks on the lawn, the fish in the pond, the mounds of recently turned earth.

Try doing something different for a change; like eating an apple, rolling your sleeves up or even not garotting someone for just one day. Strangle them with your bare hands instead. Has that helped?  


Joe Pesci’s Little Book of Calm is available from all good book shops and Amazon. 

CULKIN TO STAR IN ‘HOME ALONE 6: INCEPTION’.


HOLLYWOOD – Troubled former child actor Macaulay Culkin has signed up to star in Christopher Nolan’s re-imagining of the Home Alone franchise.


Home Alone: Inception will feature Culkin reprising his role as Kevin McCallister- now a 30 year old alcohol and substance abuser being treated by a psychiatrist (Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson) for his childhood abandonment issues and traumatic experiences with known criminals.

Unable to find a way to reach him, the psychiatrist decides to use a new experimental procedure which involves Kevin entering his own mind and recreating the house from the original movie. The psychiatrist then implants two burglars (once again played by Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci) into his psyche and Kevin has to set up increasingly elaborate booby traps in order to fight them off. If he is successful, he will be cured of his problems. If he fails, he will be lobotomised.

“I’m really excited,” said Culkin. “Christopher has given me an opportunity to get back in the game and even though my own personal problems are rooted in the Home Alone series and that camping weekend I spent with Michael Jackson at the Neverland Ranch. This is my chance for redemption.”

Chris Nolan, on the other hand, was a little more apprehensive:

If I catch Culkin smoking crack in his trailer again I’m going to have him killed.


Home Alone: Inception is due for release in 2014

JOE PESCI SIGNS ON FOR LITTLE BOOK OF CALM

Ang Lee’s next film The Little Book of Calm looks set to see the return of veteran character actor, Joe Pesci. Pesci has been working for years now with the David Lynch foundation on promoting the benefits of transcendental meditation and in the new film by the Taiwanese director will play a guru who comes to Los Angeles and promotes an understanding of the invisible beauty of life.
Mr. Shine Box – as he prefers to be known – told The Studio Exec:

I have worked in this business for years and a lot of people would come up to me and ask me for advice. They’d say “I’m stressed out Joe. I don’t know how to handle the stress.” And I’d say “What are you? a fucking eleven year old girl? You fucking whining in my fucking ear. I ought to stab you in the fucking ear. You come over here with this bullshit again and I’ll fucking bite your eye out, now get out of here you fucking mutt.” And you know what? They calmed the fuck down. Cured. Never saw them again.

Ang Lee welcomed Joe’s participation.

He’s a wonderful guy. He told me he loved my work especially Crouching Tiger and Brokeback Mountain. I said I loved him in the Home Alone films, and he suddenly went very serious and asked if I was amused by him. If I thought he was just a clown, sent to amuse me. Shark’s eyes have more life. 

As for the story Mr Lee revealed it would be very similar to the first Crocodile Dundee film.

MAX VON SYDOW ZUMBA WORK OUT A SURPRISE HIT

HOLLYWOOD – Famous Swedish actor and star of films such as The Seventh Seal and Flash Gordon, Max Von Sydow has released a set of seven DVD comprising an entire course of Zumba that you can do from the comfort of your own home.

‘The routines are relatively gentle,’ said the Septuagenarian Sydow. ‘But you’ll be feeling the burn and having fun at the same time.’

The DVD sets have been flying off the shelves with Amazon reporting that its stock are almost completely exhausted. Industry expert Jackaly Parras said that Sydow’s appeal ‘is probably due to his work in Ingmar Bergman’s films. His presence – whether it’s the knight with a crisis of faith or the worried husband in Through a Glass Darkly –  is perfect preparation for presenting a new fitness fad based on South American rhythms and Colombian dance.’

Joe Pesci has announced that he is releasing a Pilates program that he has been developing for years.

‘Way before that oblong headed asshole even knew what a squat thrust was,’ said the very angry Pesci. 

FLUFFER WORKS WITH CHILDREN AND ANIMALS

being bit

They say never work with children or animals. I have no idea at all who they are, but they’re quite right. I suffered quite nasty bruising when that vile brat Macauley Culkin deliberately pushed me down a flight of stairs on Home Alone, and the crew did nothing but roar with laughter. Out of the kindness of his heart darling Joe Pesci offered to slash the dreadful child’s face for me, and he seemed genuinely disappointed when  three production assistants had to hold him back, but I said no: Sir Edwin Fluffer fights his own battles. 

The resulting court case mean they had no choice but to fire me from the picture, and to my dying day I will always maintain that I didn’t know I still had my dentures in when I accidentally repeatedly bit the vile little toad until he cried.

Speaking of evil reptiles reminds me when I met Kermit The Frog. I was telling him about the time I bet King Kong $20 that he couldn’t get Vivien Leigh to fit a banana in her mouth sideways when he struck me in the face with a custard pie. A perfectly decent smoking jacket was badly stained, as was my cravat, and my toupee was ruined. They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but as always they’re completely wrong, and I’m not ashamed to admit I immediately set fire to him with my lighter. What happened next is probably best ignored, but to the young people in the audience who seemed so terribly upset I apologise. 
I let my temper get the better of me and I should never have said such awful things to Fozzie Bear who is a true gentleman. 
And I once porked Miss Piggy, but that’s another story…