ADAM DRIVER & JODIE FOSTER IN FIST FIGHT

BREAKING NEWS: Adam Driver & Jodie Foster have got this year’s Cannes Film Festival off to an explosive start when they got into a fist fight after the Annette red carpet premiere.



Adam Driver & Jodie Foster Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

In shocking scenes after the red carpet premiere of Annette, the star of the film, Adam Driver & Jodie Foster got into a fist fight. Movie legend, Jodie, was attending as she will receive an honorary award later during the glamorous festival. Insults were exchanged when Foster started trash-talking Driver about his wall punch scene in his film Marriage Story.

 

There’s Trouble-A-Brewing

Festival goers said they could see trouble was coming during the film as Driver and Foster could be seen knocking back can after can of strong Caribbean beer, Red Stripe. The cinema floor was littered with cans by the time everyone stood to give the film a standing ovation. Driver can be seen smoking cigarettes and Foster was just laughing as she tossed empty beer cans Driver’s way.

 

Foster – ‘He’s A Little Bitch’

It was at the premiere party when things really got nasty. Foster began trash-talking Driver about him punching like ‘A little bitch’ in Marriage Story and accused him of using a fake paper wall. Driver, who was slurring his words and swaying all over the place launched a foul mouthed counter-attack at Foster, claiming that she was anything but ‘The Brave One’ referring to her performance in the Neil Jordan film.

 

‘Fuck Off Back In Your Panic Room’

Things turned violent when Driver told Foster to ‘Fuck off back in your panic room and leave stardom to the professionals’. Foster punched Driver square in the face and sent him across the red carpet. She then told Driver that ‘You’ll need more than a fucking lightsaber to go toe to toe with me, bitch’. Driver lurched back at her and she grabbed him by the arm. She put him in an armlock slapped his ass and repeatedly called him a bitch. Foster pushed him onto the ground and started taunting him by asking how many Oscars he had.

 

Leave Her Adam, She Aint Worth It

Driver’s co-star in Annette, Marion Cotillard came to his defense. She stood between the fighting stars and shouted that Foster would have to go through her. At this point Foster stopped, blew Driver a kiss, laughed and walked off into the hot Cannes night.

 


Annette Goes On General Release On September 3rd Later This Year.

MICHAEL HANEKE TO REMAKE THE ACCUSED

VIENNA – Acclaimed film director Michael Haneke is to remake the 80s rape drama The Accused.

The 1988 drama The Accused starred Jodie Foster and Kelly McGillis as a rape victim and her lawyer, revealing that the justice system was skewed in the favor of rapists rather than their accusers. In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal and the #MeToo movement, Funny Games and The White Ribbon director, Michael Haneke has decided to remake Jonathan Kaplan’s movie.

He spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

It is a movie that has interested me for a long time. I always told my producers if I was to ever remake an American movie it would either be The Cannonball Run 2 or The Accused. michael haneke

Will this be a shot for shot remake like with Funny Games US?

No. In that case the film was mine and so the original was perfect and all I had to do was recreate it faithfully but in English and I knew it would be perfect. And it was. But The Accused has a lot wrong with it and I will need to perfect it with my frosty genius.

Your frosty…

Genius, yes. I’m not afraid of the word.

How have you changed it?

To begin with, in the original the title was supposed to be ironic. The victim is revealed to be the person who is ‘accused’ by the justice system and society at large. In my new film, this irony is removed. I want to focus on the men and how they have been persecuted and hounded, I delve into their lives and for the first time in the history of cinema, show things from the male point of view.

The Accused is in theatres in 2020.

CANNES DIARY. DAY 1 AND 2

CANNES – A diary from the dirty side of the Croissette at the 69th Cannes Film Festival.

Look seriously I cannot be bothered to be sitting down and writing these Cannes diaries when I’ve spent the whole day trying to get Jodie Foster’s Beaver out of the conversation. This is the 69th Cannes film festival isn’t it? Everybody screamed as we headed away from the Marriott and toward the Palais du Cinema. Security is so tight right now that the Gendarmes are not letting anyone in with bottled water because of the great bottled water bomb of 1987. Memories are long in this town, except for pederasty.

There was a series of weird jokes during the opening ceremony. Two or three homophobic ones and something about Woody Allen not being prosecuted for rape. I mean weird because I didn’t make them. They were all the work of some French comedian. But any complaints about French comedy should be addressed to the fact that the French love Jerry Lewis. And there I rest my case.

Ken Loach is skipping around town in a tight gold lame gown. He’s prepping the new Sex and the City movie, I, Carrie which is creating tons of buzz. Likewise Jodie Foster’s amazing film Money Monster manages to make us feel sorry for George Clooney again because he has too much sex and money.  By the way the film is a complete disgrace. It’s actually evil. Not only does it whitewash (and I mean it in the old sense now) the financial crisis and more or less blame the victims and one bad apple despite all the evidence to the contrary, but it also has zero tits. And I mean none.

Tomorrow I’m going for a party on a yacht with Orlando Bloom and Iggy Pop. I’ve told them to wear name tags.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT MATT DAMON

HOLLYWOOD – The Facts about Matt Damon have long been hidden from public view, but the Studio Exec knows no fear, except for fear itself and litigation and so on we go with Good Will FACT Hunting if you will, which you probably won’t.

Matt Damon FACT attack alert:

  1. Matt Damon is NOT gay. Though frankly who gives a flying fish from a soul elevating Ang Lee film? That’s right not us buddy. Nor he. Tired of having to field rumors, he finally admitted that he wasn’t gay even though he said that he had too much respect for gay pals to deny it as if it was an accusation. Hats off Mr Damon. A class act.
  2. Damon is an inveterate gambler since his time working on the film Rounders. In fact his appearance in  Oceans 11, 12 and 13 were due to him losing a series of bets with George Clooney. His appearance in Saving Private Ryan ironically was a result of Steven Spielberg losing a bet with Ted Danson.
  3. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon famously wrote the screenplay for Good Will Hunting as a calling card for themselves as actors, although (as they later admitted) Damon did most of the writing, while Affleck did the ‘coloring in’.
  4. During the audition for The Bourne Identity Doug Liman was genuinely amazed by Damon’s method, turning up entirely unaware of what role he was auditioning for and actually trying to order a pastrami sandwich. Later Damon admitted he had mistaken the audition room for a Subway outlet due to the LSD he had dropped and had no idea what Bourne was until he attended the premiere.
  5. Matt Damon’s new films include Elysium, a Science Fiction drama featuring that Jodie Foster and Suggs a biopic of the lead singer of British reggae group Madness. He is currently in negotiations to buy Norway, because ‘it’s be kinda cool to have a country’. 

For more FACTS click HERE.

SETH MACFARLANE ADDRESSES UN ON BOOBS

NEW YORK – Following a rousing feminist speech last month by Emma Watson on the role of women in society, Seth MacFarlane also received an opportunity to address the UN and chose to use his role as Good Will Ambassador to launch an impassioned plea to joke about and ogle women’s breasts.

The writer and director of Ted and Family Guy told a packed session of the General Assembly:

Yeah, I’m into feminism and all that. Sure! Equal rights? That’s cool. I’m a liberal guy. Especially, if by liberal, you mean someone who likes to get stoned often and look at women’s breasts. Ha ha! No but really. I’d like to test those Bechdels. Ha! I mean are you with me, fellas? I know my man Ban-ki Moon is! You see comedy has come a long way since the good old days where you can joke about your mother-in-law. Everyone’s a feminist! Take Beyonce. I mean please, take Beyonce, ah ha, yeah.

[SILENCE]

Erm. It’s like when I did that song at the Oscars about wanting to see the tits of all of those actresses, even Jodie Foster’s in The Accused and that was during a – ahem – rape scene.

[Loud protests from the Scandinavian countries]

But I got away with it, because I’m being IRONIC! Like when I’m mildly racist in Ted. Irony. That’s the only way to beat ISIS. That’s what beat Hitler. And that’s what brings the world peace and feeds the hungry. Well, you’ve been a great General Assembly. Try the veal.

[DROWNED OUT BY BOOS]

In response to the angry protests by many member states, Ban-ki Moon apologized for inviting Mr. MacFarlane to address the assembly, saying that ‘We all got stoned last night and thought it would be a totally crazy idea. I now see that was wrong.’

Ted 2: the Rwanda Years will be released in 2015.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN REMAKE WILL BE HETEROSEXUAL

HOLLYWOOD – A new remake of the Oscar winning Ang Lee film Brokeback Mountain will be entirely heterosexual, said director Brett Ratner today.

Continue reading “BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN REMAKE WILL BE HETEROSEXUAL”

ROBIN THICKE PRODUCES THE ACCUSED MUSICAL

HOLLYWOOD – Musician and Emily Dickinson scholar Robin Thicke is to write and perform a Broadway musical based on the 1988 Jodie Foster and Kelly McGillis drama The Accused

Mr. Thicke commented:

Rape has given me so much over the last year or so, I thought it was time I gave something back.  

The original film earned Jodie Foster an Oscar as lead actress and was widely seen as a sensitive exploration of a sensitive topic rarely dealt with by Hollywood. However, the proposed musical has met with vehement opposition from women’s groups. The militant Women Against Thicke group have threatened picket lines and demonstrations. A WAT spokesperson said:

Robin Thicke is a moron and the last person who should be handling this story, and the idea of a musical also treats with too much levity what is an extremely serious issue. Our sisters in the band Pussy Riot have written a song called ‘F*cking Thicke’ which protests his commercialisation of sexual violence. 

However, Thicke counters that:

Those hairy faced feminists are stuck in the 1970s. I’ve single handedly brought Rape into the mainstream. I mean, the whole point of the story is does Sarah get raped really, or are there Blurred Lines?

But isn’t the point that she is brutally raped and there aren’t any ‘blurred lines’?

But then how am I going to get the song in?

The Accused: The Musical will debut in the Fall of 2014. 

R2-D2 MIGHT NOT BE IN STAR WARS 7

HOLLYWOOD – R2-D2 might miss out on a role in Star Wars 7 as a result of his anti-Semitic outburst which was caught on tape and leaked onto the internet.

The fall out continued today as Hollywood reeled from the revelation that one of its best loved personalities showed a decidedly ugly side to his character. Jodie Foster immediately leaped to his defense. ‘I’m a lesbian,’ she said. ‘And that’s none of your business either.’
J.J. Abrams was unavailable at the time of writing for comment, but rumors from the Disney camp are that the chances of R2-D2 getting the gig have been reduced dramatically since the publication of the tape. A source close to the production said:

It isn’t the anti-Semiticism. If anything we encourage that at Disney. No, it’s the profanity, especially from a character who is beloved of children everywhere.    

C-3PO has flown in from Belgium – where he was recently crowned King (for more on that story CLICK HERE) – to have a conference with his creative partner. However, Jewish groups have pointed out that C-3PO himself has a chequered history when it comes to associating with White Power and Race Hate groups. Josh Stiglitz of Jews for Star Wars said, ‘We have evidence that neither of these droids would sit at the same table with Chewbacca and insisted on Anakin and his mother being owned by a dirty Jew as a precondition for making The Phantom Menace. If anything this latest outburst only confirms what we always suspected.’

Others have claimed however, that this is a problem of translation. ‘He was obviously saying Jawa,’ said R2-D2’s close friend and attorney Mike Dinkum.

Mel Gibson has nothing to do with this story.

The full tape can be seen by CLICKING HERE.

TOM HIDDLESTON RELEASED ON BAIL

LONDON – Tom Hiddleston – the swan murderer of Hyde Park (for more on that story CLICK HERE) and Loki from The Avengers – was released from a central London Police station under bail after a hearing at the Westminster Magistrates Court early this morning.

The presiding Judge commented that despite Tom Hiddleston’s wealth, his public persona made it unlikely that he represented a flight risk. The bail was set at £150,000 and – in a piece of irony that pleased everyone present – Christian Bale was present in court to pay the sum, a service he has performed previously for Nick Nolte and Tom Sizemore.

A pale shaken (slightly dreamy) Mr. Hiddleston refused to make a statement, but was heard clearly to state that the swan had been ‘looking at him.’ A spokesperson for the Crown Prosecution Service said that they would be seeking a severe penalty against Mr Hiddleston should the charge be proven, but declined to say if they would be seeking the death penalty, which technically would still be an option.
Angelina Peters of the Swan Appreciation Society (S.A.S) threw white feathers at Mr Hiddleston as he made his way into a waiting helicopter. She said:

It is a disgrace when a leading androgynous actor can decapitate swans willy-nilly and expect to get away with it. That innocent swan had done nothing and was plainly minding its own business when Hiddleston tore her beautiful head off.

Jodie Foster has come out in solidarity with Mr. Hiddleston, but Emma Stone criticised him saying: ‘eeeewww!’

THE CLOONEY BIN 2

Dear George

I have recently revealed to the public that I am a practising Lesbian. I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders but unfortunately I have another weight that is proving more difficult to shake. Basically George it’s like this. Can you find my friend Mel Gibson a job?

Jodie F

Dear Jodie

First let me first congratulate you for coming out of the closet. I’m a Lesbi-fan, so to speak and I have many close friends who share your lust for female flesh. That being said I’m not keen on the one’s who choose not to shave. I fully appreciate that they are perfectly within their rights to do with their body whatever they like, but the fact of the matter is a woman with facial hair makes me want to take off my left shoe and vomit in it until every nutrient has been expelled from my body. As for dear old Mel I know the manager of my local In and Out Burger so I’ll put in a good word. I don’t think he’d have him front of house but he’s always on the look out for somebody to do the fries.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 12. JODIE FOSTER

Toast, wheat-germ, yoghurt, orange juice, kiwi fruit, snot. 

Golden Glober, actress, director and Mel Gibson’s last friend, Jodie Foster agreed to an EXCLUSIVE  interview with Studio Exec on the condition we did not bring up her sexuality or any issues relating to her private life.

So you’re gay?

I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago back in the Ice Age. 

I didn’t know you were in Ice Age. Who did you play? 

I was a fragile girl and I came out to my friends and my family and gradually to everyone I knew. You see the thing is there is so much intolerance in this world. People should not be judged on their sexuality, religion or race. As my good friend Mel Gibson once said, ‘We’re all assholes in the dark.’

You’ve made many wonderful films and worked with some great directors. Who do you think was the best?
Phew. Good question. Glad we finished with all that stuff about my private life. It’s a relief. I mean these days we’re just so obsessed with what really is no one’s business. Whatever you do between consenting adults is entirely up to you. Enough already with the prying and the exposure. As I said in my speech that was televised to millions of viewers around the world, I am not Honey Boo Boo. 

But the director who…?

Oh yes… well. The director of Little Man Tate taught me a lot. 

Which was you?

Yeah well, I taught myself a lot. I learned that deep in the sanctity of my life, my inner being if you will, there is something precious that needs protecting. Regrets for instance.

Is there anything you regret in your career?

Maverick

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS CONFESSES: I’M NOT REALLY WELSH

The world of cinema and film and movies has been bashed by a series of cataclysmic revelations. First of all, Jodie Foster is gay, then Will Ferrell is funny and finally Sir Anthony Hopkins admits – in an excess of candour – that he is not actually Welsh.
The revelations come in the first chapter of his new autobiography Boy-o! which was launched in New York this evening and in which Hannibal the Cannibal (as he prefers to be known) writes:

When I was a young lad starting out in Tennessee, all the actors I must admired were British or Irish. There was Dicky Burton and Albert Finney, Richard Harris and Peter O’Toole. So I thought sod it, I’ll just pretend to be Welsh.

 Later, he describes how he perfected his Welsh accent, only to find that most of his film roles would have him play an Englishman or American character: ‘A waste of my time it was really.’

Despite maintaining to be proud of his Welsh identity for years and even buying the Welsh mountain Snowdon, Hopkins admits in the biography, that he’s never actually been to Wales. ‘I’m not even sure exactly where it is,’ laughs Hopkins. ‘Though I do know it’s near England.’

The shock revelations come only weeks after Sean Connery’s similarly surprising autobiography What?Land was published, in which the famous Jock admitted that he is actually German.

    

MEL GIBSON: AUTOBIOGRAPHY: PART 3













MALIBU – Advance copies arrived of Mel Gibson‘s new autobiography Sad and Angry and Studio Exec was given exclusive permission to publish extracts.This is the third and final series of excerpts.

From Chapter Twenty Seven: Making The Passion of the Christ

The first thing and the last thing in my life is my religion. For me believing in God is like having an imaginary friend who’s bigger than anyone else’s imaginary friend and can beat them up. I love that. And even when you do terrible things, you go see him Sunday at his house and he goes ‘ahhhh, okay.’ So making a film about Christ was for me an important personal project. The first thing I did was get a whole bunch of religious groups together, Jewish groups and protestants and Mormons and  I consulted them and they told me all the sensitive issues surrounding the crucifixion and all the things that could perhaps stir up controversy and offend them, and I’m proud to say I managed to fit most of that in the film. Not all but most. The biggest praise came when the Pope had a private viewing at the Vatican and he whispered to me ‘Is that the guy from The Thin Red Line?’ Words I’ll treasure till the day I die.

From Chapter Thirty Six: Everything Goes all Bull Shit

So I said to the police officer, ‘Is that a Jewish name?’ and he said it was and what of it (in quite a hostile fashion). So I replied – my allergy pills were making me feel a bit blurry but I remember this distinctly – ‘I love the Jews almost as much as I love Star Wars (my all time favourite movie)’ but apparently he thought I said, ‘The Jews start wars'(!) It was terrible.  

[…]

So I finished screaming down the phone and my ex says, ‘Okay now pretend you’re mad at me and say you’re going to kill me’. By now I’m feeling a bit hoarse and plus Role Playing games and not really my thing but I say okay. And even at the time I was thinking, if you heard these tapes out of context… Nah that’ll never happen. I trust her.


From Chapter Forty: Joe Esterasshole and Jodie’s Beaver

 I was at a party at Sir Edwin Fluffer’s house. That guy is Hollywood royalty and you meet some great people. Jodie Foster is there and she’s telling me about The Muppets movie that she just got green lit with Jason Segal starring. I say is there something for me and she says that might change the tone of the movie. I insisted and it turned out Jodie was right. Halfway through filming they turfed us off the lot and Segal’s scenes were re-cut into a separate movie. The stinger was we even lost the name The Muppets and got stuck with a pussy joke. 


Read Part One clicking here and Part Two clicking here.