JASON STATHAM IS PHIL COLLINS IN THINK TWICE

HOLLYWOOD – Jason Statham to play Phil Collins in a new biopic.

The British hard man, martial artist and multi-linguist (Cockney and Merican) Jason Statham is not only lined up to play Indiana Jones in a forthcoming adventure (for more on that CLICK HERE) but has just landed the role of prog-rock drummer turned soulster Phil Collins in the biopic Think Twice. 

The long-awaited biopic, directed by Harold Ramis, will chart the rise and rise of the drummer of Genesis. It will follow his solo career that brought us such hits as ‘In the Air Tonight’ and ‘Sussudio’. The film will also explore Collins’ movie career, best remembered for Buster. Collins said that he was delighted to be the subject of a film although, he remarked, ‘it isn’t as if my life has really been so extraordinary.’

Director Ramis agreed:

It isn’t like we have much to go on from an interest point of view. So we’re just going to make up some shit. We’re going to have Phil foiling an attempt to assassinate the Queen. Oh, and – during the recording of ‘Invisible Touch’ -he’ll have to restart his own heart a couple of times using a car battery. That was Jason’s suggestion.

Asked about the role he is to play, Statham looked nonplussed.

I’m not really sure about it, but my agent says it would be good to get out of this action rut and go for an Oscar like Whacky Phoenix did with Walk the Line. As for the music Phil has made, most of it has been absolute gash and the rest carries the stench of mediocrity. Especially that voice. Jesus Christ. It makes me want to vomit.

Given his star’s antipathy, why did Ramis cast Jason Statham in the role?

The hair. Or the lack thereof. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa haaaaa haaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Cough. Cough.

Think Twice opens sometime in 2022.

JOKER WINS NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

STOCKHOLM – Todd Phillips’ Joker has won the Nobel Peace Prize.

The Nobel Prize Academy announced today that Joaquin Phoenix and Todd Phillips’ new film Joker has won the Nobel Peace Price. Following the Golden Lion, this is the second major prize picked up by the film. Hangover director Phillips told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

This is only what we deserve. After all, our film is not just a comic book movie, it’s like Anna Karenina, or something. You know classic.

Joaquin Phoenix appeared unsure of what exactly the Nobel Prize was but nevertheless expressed his delight.

I’ve not had a fight in like three weeks, so it’s about time someone gave me a prize. No but really. This film is about the oppressed of the world. Thin white men without girlfriends who live with their mothers. And so if we can raise awareness of that problem then I think we have done our job.

A spokesperson for the Nobel Academy told the SE:

We didn’t see the film but when we saw it won the Venice prize we thought why not?

Joker is out in October.

FIRST LOOK AT SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY reveals the first sneak peek of Joaquin Phoenix in the new Smokey and the Bandit remake.

They’ve planned a Smokey and the Bandit remake for years. But only now does it look like an actual movie is going into production. A director has finally signed on and a cast is coming together. The first English language film by acclaimed Turkish director Nuri Bilge Ceylan promises to be a hit. He’s famous for the action packed Once Upon a Time in Anatolia and Winter’s Sleep. He told the Exec:

I’m stoked. Smokey and the Bandit was a huge hit in Turkey. Except it was called The Mustache Goes Manly.

The Smokey and the Bandit Ride Again will also star Joaquin Phoenix as the Bandit originally played by Burt Reynolds. It will also feature comedy actor as Charlie Sheen fill in fame Ashton Kutcher as Cletus.

The official synopsis reads thus:

The Bandit agrees to come out of retirement to help his friend Cletus ferry a truckload of illegal Mexican immigrants across the border and through Arizona. Sheriff Buford T. Justice (John Goodman), however, knows that they are coming. When a runaway nun, Carrie (Elizabeth Olsen), hitches a ride all sorts of thrills and spills, chases and crashes and mishaps are promised… nay guaranteed!

Considered an affectionate reboot of the Burt Reynolds’ 1977 classic, the new film promises to be Fast and Furious meets The Hangover.

Smokey and the Bandit Rides Again will be released in December, 2020.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX TO STAR IN OLD JESUS

HOLLYWOOD – Joaquin Phoenix signs on to star in Old Jesus.

Joaquin Phoenix will star in a new biblical film, Old Jesus. A follow up to the smash hit Mary Magdalene, the movie tells the story of Jesus in his old age.

Joaquin came into the Studio Exec Bungalow for a Pot Noodle:

Everybody thinks they know the story of Jesus. The Son of God who, for our sins, died on the cross. Our new film will ask the question: What if he didn’t?

Wow!

I know. I’ve really got into the role of Jesus. I was playing second fiddle to Mara for the first movie and that was fine. It was her film after all. But I felt dissatisfied as if I could do something more. This movie gives me the opportunity to do that. Plus as we’re moving outside the Gospels, it also frees us to go into incidents that no one has ever seen or even heard of. I mean there are still the miracles and the sermons everyone loves, but as Jesus got older he became more conservative. So there’s a lot more about how the Samaritans are ruining the country and how all the Pharisees seem younger and younger with every passing year.

It sounds amazing. 

It will be amazing.

Old Jesus is due out in 2019.

CASEY AFFLECK’S BEARD FILES FOR DIVORCE

HOLLYWOOD – Casey Affleck’s beard has filed a petition of divorce.

Manchester by the Sea star and Oscar winner Casey Affleck and his beard are to separate after only a year together. The Beard told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I love Casey very much. And I wish him every success in the future. But I cannot be a part of the hypocrisy anymore.  Casey needs to grow up a little and change his way of treating both people and facial hair. I’m mostly concerned with facial hair, but that’s my bad.

The relationship has always been a tumultuous one. Casey first met Beard when working on the documentary with Joaquin Phoenix.

Joaquin and I were very attached but when we premiered the film at the Venice Film Festival suddenly he wanted to appear everywhere clean-shaven. I was very hurt. I was cut up. Literally. And Casey, who was going through drama of his own, was a shoulder to cry on and a chin to hang from. I’ll always be grateful for that. But at the same time I won’t miss the crumbs.

Casey Affleck was unavailable to comment.

ANG LEE LINES UP LITTLE BOOK OF CALM

HOLLYWOOD – Taiwanese director, Ang Lee – fresh off the success of the no-holds-barred action blockbuster The Life of Pi and Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk– has signed on to film an adaptation of another unfilmable book, Paul Wilson’s massive best-seller The Little Book of Calm.

‘It’s vacuous, trite and full of semi-mystical bullshit for people who want religion without the pogroms,’ said Lee. ‘I see it as a direct sequel to Pi.’ 

Mr. Lee said that he first came across the book when he was playing with himself:

Life can be quite stressful and  I used to seek relief by following the example of Onan. Well, I spotted this book in a pile after inadvertently hitting it bull’s eye. I opened it at random and read. ‘When you rest, you are a king surveying your estate. Look at the woodland, the peacocks on the lawn. Be the king of your own calm kingdom.’ That was it. I was hooked. 

The film has already signed up Joaquin Phoenix and Christian Bale. Bale said that his recent experience in prison has changed him (for more on that story READ HERE): 

I picked up the Little Book of Calm and read: “When you’re feeling under pressure, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.” All of a sudden everything seemed okay. And Michael Keaton was just a bad memory.

The Little Movie of Calm will be released in 2018.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX EMPLOYS THE METHOD TO PLAY JESUS

HOLLYWOOD – Gladiator and Walk the Line star Joaquin Phoenix is to play Jesus in Garth Davis’ Mary Magdalene and he will be employed his notorious method.

He was an emperor of Ancient Rome; a country singer in Walk the Line and a burn out in I’m  Still Here, now Joaquin Phoenix will play Jesus Christ in a new film Mary Magdalene, starring Rooney Mara in the titular role.  The normally reclusive Phoenix spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I love the idea of playing Jesus Christ. If you watch The Master you can see how interested I am in people inventing religions and Jesus Christ has to be in the top three of that game.

How will you approach the role?

Oh I’m going full method for this man. I know there are so many people out there who would be upset if I did anything less. Jesus is a very real part of millions of people’s lives and so I will give them the most authentic portrayal of Jesus ever put on the screen. I’ve already begun.

How do you mean?

Last night, I went to this party and I totally brought the wine.

Okay. 

I’ve been spending a lot of time in the desert. Not exactly forty days and forty nights, but I’m working up to it. I’ve been antagonizing the Italian community and the Jewish elders with some pretty radical online posts on my blog ‘I’m Back’.

Oh that’s you.

Yep.  I’ve got a girl who comes round to my house and gives me a whipping every week. I’m hanging out with a bunch of dudes. Casey Affleck, Russell Crowe, all those guys, twelve of them. I’ve been forgiving adulterous women left right and center. And I’m going to get myself killed and then revived after a biblical accurate interval.

Whoa! How are you going to do that?

There’s this company in Mexico.

The film’s production company See-Saw Films, which is teaming with Universal Pictures Intl.  Iain Canning and Emile Sherman are producing along with Film4, from a script by Helen Edmundson and Philippa Goslett.

Mary Magdalene will be released in 2017.

KURT RUSSELL’S MUSTACHE REVERSES CLIMATE CHANGE

HOLLYWOOD – No one is quite sure how it happened – the studies are yet to be completed, and scientists squabble over different theories – but one thing is certain: Kurt Russell’s mustache has reversed climate change.

The gestation of Kurt Russell’s mustache has been a long glacial process, emerging from the full beard of The Thing, retracting into the stubble of Escape from New York, and first touching the air as the wonderful clipped beauty of Tombstone. The year Tombstone was released – 1993 – there was a a 35% rise in fertility and fistfights, such was its masculine magic. And now with Kurt Russell persuaded to hedge over his upper lip for Quentin Tarantino’s Hateful Eight the benefits to mankind and planet Earth can be felt everywhere.

Resident ecologist Joaquin Phoenix popped into the Studio Exec Bungalow to explain:

We’re not sure how this is happening but it looks like following the appearance of Mr. Russell’s hairy handle bars that the ice caps have in fact fully re-frozen. Sea levels have fallen and the air quality is delicious.

How is this happening?

Some say that carbon is being captured from the air and sucked into the follicles, is one possible explanation. Or perhaps Mother Earth has just got a glimpse of the kind of man that she’d be missing and has decided to right her ways.

Of course now that the wonderful side effects of Mr. Russell’s lip ‘brella are readily apparent, many are calling on President Obama to legislate to protect the top beard. The White House were quick to quieten such proposals, stating that ‘It would be a brave administration that ever told Mr. Kurt Russell what to do and what not to do with his own face’.

The Hateful Eight will be released in 2016.

HATEFUL EIGHT: ON SET REPORT

COLORADO – Quentin Tarantino’s new Western The Hateful Eight began filming this week in Telluride and the Studio Exec was invited EXCLUSIVELY to witness proceedings by QT himself.

It is cold in Colorado this time of year and snowy, but Quentin Tarantino is wearing his trade mark Hawaiian shirt and his motor mouth is going at 180 rpm.

Hey, SE do you know that Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball is about a guy with a big dick. ‘You wre-e-eck me!’ You see? Jesus it’s just no fun no more. It’s so obvious.

The first shot involves Samuel L. Jackson and Channing Tatum, along with Mike Myers, Jan Michel Vincent, Mickey Rourke, Kevin James and Renee Zellwegger getting out of a stagecoach. It takes about two hours to shoot. During lunch I ask QT about the gestation of the film.

Well, I was really upset when the script leaked so I totally rewrote it. This one would never leak on the internet I decided (read the revised Hateful Eight script HERE). The first idea I had was not to make the film at all but do it, I mean perform it as a dance, but I talked it over with Harvey Keitel and he told me he thought it was – and I quote –  a ‘f*cking awful idea’. So I settled on making a film.

With Django Unchained you were obviously very influenced by the Spaghetti westerns. Do they continue to be an influence?

No, I want to do something else, something more purely American. So I just watched Bonanza over and over again and that became my key text. The only reason I haven’t mentioned it in interviews before is because of the plagiarism fuss, what with Spiderbaby and everything. So actually if you don’t mind not mentioning it.

Absolutely. And your casting choices? You’re using Kevin James I see.

Yeah Kevin is one of the most natural comic talents we’ve got . He’s like our Belushi, but a postmodern Belushi. Like if you had Belushi but he wasn’t funny, or charismatic. That’d basically be Kevin.

Will he be funny in this role?

Absolutely not.

And with that Quentin is called away to film the next set up: a gunfight between Joaquin Phoenix and Benedict Cumberbatch’s agent.

The Hateful Eight will be in cinemas in 2015.

 

INHERENT VICE: REVIEW

INHERENT VICE: REVIEW – Paul Thompson Anderson remakes the Big Lebowski, but without the wit.

First things first: Paul Thomas Anderson is one of those directors who – any movie of his I’m watching, that becomes my favorite movie, his Alien Vs Predator movies aside, which are bafflingly poor.  Magnolia is a masterpiece; Boogie Nights, a masterpiece; There Will Be Blood, obviously a masterpiece; Punch Drunk Love, a small quirky masterpiece and The Master is so much a masterpiece he even put half the word in the title. So what the f*ck is Inherent Vice?

Oh, and an addendum to that, I also love Thomas Pynchon and think V is a masterpiece; Gravity’s Rainbow is a masterpiece… okay? Yeah, you follow me. So again what the f*ck is Inherent Vice?

It’s not bad, it looks handsome and sounds fantastic, the performances are all good, Wacky Phoenix a likable comic lead. And PTA does TP justice, but that might just be the problem. Pynchon’s dialogue in the novel is a gag filled delight, taking from Chandler both plot and raison d’etre and giving us Marlowe played by Elliot Gould via the ‘Dude’ Lebowski, with Wolverine’s sideburns. But in PTA’s adaptation, the scenes are simply too long and too similar; one feels he’s too in love with his source material. More bothered about being true to it than creating a good movie.

At the behest of an ex-girlfriend Shasta (Katherine Waterson), private investigator ‘Doc’ Sportello (Joaquin Phoenix) investigates a pair of linked disappearances. Doing so, Doc comes across a parade of semi-crazy characters from a hopped up dentist (Martin Short) to a flat top cop called Bigfoot (Josh Brolin). The lugubrious narration is given by a beach babe astrologer Sortilège (Joanna Newsom) not so much to clear up the intentionally complicated plot, but to read out chunks of the novel. Pynchon’s prose is good, cinematic even, but it does not need to be here. Just as his wise-cracking dialogue crackles on the page but burns up way too much screen time. What should be snappy comes across as gassy. And people tells us too much that sounds more interesting than what we are seeing. A dentist dies in weird vampiric trampoline accident? Let’s see it.

Again Inherent Vice is not bad. It’s just – and it pains me to say it – not a masterpiece.

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

 

NEW WOLVERINE TRAILER SIGNALS DEPARTURE

HOLLYWOOD – Trailer for Paul Thomas Anderson’s new film Wolverine: Inherent Vice signals a departure for the X-Men spin off.

Hopefully the film which is set to debut at the New York Film Festival will be a vast improvement on the increasingly tedious slap dashery we’ve had to put up with so far. Joaquin Phoenix replaces Hugh Jackman in the title role, as the Oz star declared himself ‘hacked off with the claws and shit’.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUZgOQ186-A…

 

HER: REVIEW

HER: REVIEW

Hello.

Oh hi.

You sound surprised.

No, it’s just I wasn’t expecting… Who are you?

I’m the new Spike Jonze movie Her.


Wow. And you can talk?

Apparently (enchanting laugh). I used to have Samantha Morton’s voice but now I have Scarlet Johansson‘s, but alas no body.

You’re funny.

Aw, that’s sweet of you to say. I was programmed with a light satirical touch, but as an entity I am also able to learn from the situations I’ve created and evolve into something at first quirky and endearing – like a high concept rom-com, if you know what I mean – and then into something almost profound. The Arcade Fire score helps, like, a lot.

Yeah, I like their music.

A man of immaculate taste.

Oh, I’m not a man.

A woman then.

No, no, I’m a review. 

A what?

I’m the Studio Exec review of the new Spike Jonze film Her. I figured, you know, he isn’t the only one who can do self-referential meta.

Oh the Studio Exec? So you’re being satirical. You’re being sarcastic. Is that what this is? What’s your problem? And by the way ‘self-referential meta’ is a tautology. If you’re going to mock me at least…

No, I’m not. Not at all. I admire you greatly. So much so I’m really glad we got this opportunity to talk. I mean I feel that I know you, I understand intimacy a lot more. I love the way you show LA. And the future is really subtle. Very few cars and everyone involved in their games and gadgets. I loved the job the Gladiator guy had. And Amy Adams is… well she’s great. 

Isn’t she a doll?

Oh she’s wonderful in everything. 

So you’re not just ridiculing me.

No! I kind have feelings for you. I feel I know you intimately. Maybe, we could hang out together and I don’t know ghost write a Karen O song. Maybe two.

That might be fun. So…

What?

How many stars are you gonna give me?

I don’t do stars.

Oh come on. Seriously? 

It’s reductive. Stupid. Wrong.

Come on. How many stars baby? You know you want to give me some stars.  Give me some stars. 

Five stars. 

I think we should take this to another level.

Let’s. 

JOAQUIN PHOENIX LANDS ROLE AS SELLECK

HOLLYWOOD – Gladiator and The Master star Joaquin Phoenix has landed the coveted role of actor Tom Selleck in the biopic Selleck.

The long awaited biopic of moustache carrier and Magnum PI star has long been a pet project of Oliver Stone, but is now finally finding traction under the direction of Terry Gilliam, due (ironically) to a conspiracy.

Gilliam spoke to Studio Exec on the express condition that it was EXCLUSIVELY exclusive:

Oliver was attached early on and will get a story credit, but a lot of people think Oliver’s an asshole, from the man on the street going right up to the highest levels of government, as well as the top level organised crime lords. These men met in dark rooms and decided to take away his pet project, the Selleck biopic, and give it to me. The money was good so I said yes.

Joaquin Phoenix is understood to be preparing for the role by walking around pretending to be an actor.

Selleck will be released in 2015. 

INHERENT VICE: ON-SET PHOTOS

LOS ANGELES – Paul Thomas Anderson‘s follow up to The Master is no easy job, an adaptation of post-modernist novelist Thomas Pynchon’s psychedelic private eye comedy Inherent Vice.

The film has been shrouded in mystery but the Studio Exec can exclusively reveal on set photos from the production which stars Joaquin Phoenix, Jena Malone, Sean Penn, Josh Brolin, Owen Wilson, Reese Witherspoon and Martin Short. 

The images excitingly reveal a long 400 mile dolly shot set up, something which fans of PTA’s work will surely recognise as the birthing place of a trademark bravura shot. 

Next we have what looks like a ‘ladder’. This is a technical piece of equipment, often employed by set designers and people who generally want to get higher and gain altitude without waiting to grow the required inches. 



Another photograph from the set reveals a shocking incidence of carelessness on the part of the ‘gaffer’ who has left his light meter and tool box just lying around. Paul Thomas Anderson will not be happy about that. It is well known he runs a tight ship which has led to him being nicknamed by all gaffers ‘the shit’.

 

Finally, a remarkable photograph shows the lighter side of production: a cup of tea, left to cool, milk, two sugars. This is no doubt Joaquin Phoenix’s tea – the peculiar shade comes from the fact Joaquin takes soya milk rather than regular because he is what scientists call a ‘vegan’. 




Inherent Vice will be released sometime in 2014.