GREENLIT – The Phantom Menace Reboot has finally been given the go ahead by Disney. Given that Disney never pander to focus group pressure, they have decided The Phantom Menace Reboot will go into production immediately.
The Phantom Menace Reboot Starts The Whole Fucking Thing Again
Because nobody has had anywhere near enough Star Wars content yet, Disney are rebooting the whole franchise from the very start. Beginning with The Phantom Menace Reboot, they will re-tell the whole Skywalker saga all over again. The aim is to correct as many mistakes as possible. Darth Maul will be replaced by Darth Jor-Jor, a relative of the ever popular Jar-Jar Binks. And they intend to really ramp up the awkward racial stereotyping. ‘Just think’, said writer Lawrence Kasdan, ‘imagine two Jar-Jar things in a 30 minute elevator-based duologue. The fans will go fucking nuts for this.’
Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In
The entire original cast are still contractually bound by Lucasfilm and Disney. And both Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford will be returning as their younger selves throughout the saga. This will be achieved by using de-ageing software techniques. These were perfected beyond belief for Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman. Mark is quoted as saying, ‘What the force? They’ve invoked that part of our contracts? Those mother fuckers.’ Echoing Hamill’s delight, Harrison Ford also exclaimed how happy he was to be playing Han Solo once again, ‘I gotta bad feeling about this.’ Was all he kept repeating from the wreckage of yet another successful landing of his aircraft.
The Return Of The JJ
As it all went so well last time, JJ Abrams is set to return to helm all 26 Star Wars films which will be shot chronologically. But the director could give no further plans other than, ‘Yeah, well… we’ll make the first one and see how it goes from there. We haven’t planned beyond the first treatment yet. We’ve learned from our mistake of over-planning. We’ve also learned to tone down the ‘women’ in the Star Wars universe. People don’t wanna see strong female characters. Or any female characters in the Star Wars universe, for that matter. They just get in the way of the good ol’ homo-erotic sausage fest Star Wars always has, and always should be. To quote Han Solo, ‘Trust me to beam you up.’
The Phantom Menace Reboots Starts Shooting Next Month
Hollywood – With the launch of the JJ Abrams Project Management Course online, the blockbuster director tells us his secrets on how to plan mega-budget franchises like Star Wars.
JJ, how do you plan such a large project like Star Wars?
First of all, I ask myself, ‘What would Spielberg do?’ and then I just splurge it all out on the page in a big ol’ treatment. Don’t forget the lens flare. Then once the first draft of the first film is done it’s time to spend some major fucking studio money baby. Get the green screens up and let cameras roll.
So you just write a draft of the first film. What about planning all of the films in the franchise?
Why would I want to do that? Who gives a shit. It’s fucking Star Wars. I could film a dog taking a dump for two and a half hours. As long as I super impose a light saber in his little paw, it would still make $700million. I guarantee it.
So you never planned anything beyond The Force Awakens?
Neeeerd! Nah. Who’s got the time to fuck about with all that?
Is that what you recommend in the modules of your course?
Modules? Plural? There’s only one, man. Who can be bothered with writing more than one module? I got billions from what I made on Star Wars and Star Trek. And all that money won’t spend itself. Know what I mean?
Well, what about the art of storytelling, artistic integrity and appreciation for the craft?
Hahahahahahah, you’re a funny fucking guy. I should put you in my next movie as the comic relief. You’ll be much cheaper than that smart ass Brit, Simon Pegg. Look, it don’t matter what you plan. As long your name is pinned on the right franchise, nobody gives a shit.
But what about Kevin Feige at Marvel? He’s a meticulous planner.
That’s all well and good for those little Marvel B-movies where budgets are tight. That aint my jam. Ya dig?
The JJ Abrams Project Management School is now available online for a small fortune.
HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas’ 1977 space opera Star Wars is to cinema what Weetabix is to cuisine.
Star Wars! May the Fourth be with you! Get it? because it sounds a little bit like Force. May the Force be with you. May the 4th be with you. See? No? Screw you. In the Studio Exec office an argument broke out. You see there was an article claiming that Empire Strikes Back was actually a terrible Star Wars movie. We weren’t agreeing or denying it. Rather, we were all argue about who gave less of a fuck. You see Star Wars is a children’s film, but all the children who liked it now own media companies, film studios and edit newspapers. So it’s become what can only be described as a thing.
I speak as someone who queued to watch the Star Wars when it was just a Baby Yoda. And I loved it. And I saw Empire Strikes Back in a theater in old Ireland a long time ago. Before Luke Skywalker actually ended up living there. I watched every single Star Wars film in the cinema. Even the unflushed toilet that is Attack of the Clones. I tried so hard to like Phantom Menace, I had to go to hospital with a strained face. But somewhere along the way, we got lost. I mean come on. Fighting about The Last Jedi like it means something? Upset with JJ Abrams – the maker of Lost – because he didn’t nail the landing. The. Maker. of. Lost.
Crazy stuff. We got the toys, the universe, music, the sound effects, the comic books, the movies and now the TV shows, animated and otherwise and it’s just going to go on and on. The nerds have become geeks and the geeks have taken over the world. And like grown up kids they want to have dessert for dinner and cereal for lunch. Well, tuck in assholes. And may the diabetes be with you.
The Studio Exec utterly disclaims this article.
HOLLYWOOD – JJ Abrams today revealed that the next episode of Star Wars – Episode 9 – will tak eplace in an alternate timeline.
Following the success of The Force Awakens, JJ Abrams returns to direct episode 9 of Star Wars. Today Abrams dropped round to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about his ideas for the film:
I watched The Last Jedi and I loved what Rian did. But I won’t lie: it kinda knocked what i wanted to do into a cocked hat. I’d written a whole script assuming that I’d have some characters who died. And there were also some questions that I was thinking of in a different way. For the past months I’d tried to work out how to make my and Rian’s vision coincide. Then I watched Star Trek on TV, the movie I made and it clocked. Alternate timelines. My movie will start off exactly where Rian’s begins but a time bomb will go off shattering the Star Trek universe into two. I’m only sad I can’t get Leonard Nimoy to come in at the beginning and explain everything to the audience.
Can you tell us anything else?
I’m afraid that an iconic space vessel is going to explode.
Not the Millennium Falcon!?
What? No! The Starship Enterprise.
The news was greeted with relief by some fans and consternation by others. A clearly fatigued Mark Hamill commented: ‘Whatever’.
Star Wars: Episode 9 There Are Actually Other Jedis will be released in 2019.
HOLLYWOOD – Samuel L. Jackson joins Quentin Tarantino’s new Star Trek movie.
News is coming thick and fast about Quentin Tarantino’s new Star Trek movie. First he pitches the idea to Paramount and JJ Abrams. Now it looks like his cast is already firming up with Samuel L. Jackson beaming himself up. Quentin came over to the Studio Exec bungalow keen to chat EXCLUSIVELY to the team.
We’re so stoked about this project. Usually I make my own films up utterly. I mean everything. The plot, the characters, the shots, well not the shots, and some of the lines I take from other movies, and the plots and the characters. But other than that totally original. This will be the first time I enter a pre-existing franchise.
So what’s the idea?
Ah, you know me Exec. I ain’t gonna just spill the beans on this one. Usually that’s Michael Madsen’s job. Ha ha! No, but seriously I am a huge Star Trek fan. I woke up one morning and the idea was there. Boom. So I scribbled it down in the bright green crayon I use for my best ideas. And I was on the phone to Harvey. Shit. I mean I was on the phone to J.J. Abrams and he was as excited as I was. We got into so much that instead of saying goodbye I told him ‘May the Force Be with You’.
Because he’s making the Star Wars film.
What? Yeah, I guess. NO, we’re talking Star Trek now.
And Samuel L. Jackson?
He’s key. There’s going to be a reference to one of his earlier movies. In fact that’s where I got the idea from.
Tribbles on a Star Ship will be released in 2019.
HOLLYWOOD – Disney announced today that Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi will be the last Star Wars movie.
The Last Jedi is to close the Star Wars saga, it was revealed today. All the other proposed Star Wars movies have been canceled.
Kathleen Kennedy, the producer in charge of the franchise, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the decision:
We just decided we were bored of doing them. At first we were all very excited but then after a while it was like Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars! Jeez enough already. I mean we’re a bunch of grown ups in a room talking about if Ziphius Fey is going to have to go to Booglyon 8 to get the weeBa Krystals.
Wow! They go to Booglyon 8!
And then it wouldn’t be so bad, but we’re talking about a film every year. Maybe even more.
But what about the films that are already in production, or have even completed post-production like the Han Solo stand alone?
The Han Solo movie is a mess. Half of it is Lego and the rest of it is Far and Away. Tom Cruise turns up speaking in an Oirish accent – ‘What are all ye leetle fellows doin’, made of bricks an all?’ – It’s an embarrassment.
So that’s it. No more Star Wars.
Yep. It was fun. But this way think of the next original idea that will come along and finally have some space to breathe.
Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi will be released in December.
HOLLYWOOD – JJ Abrams is to remake Japan, the country.
Star Trek, Force Awakens and Lost director JJ Abrams announced his project to remake the country of Japan.
It is going to be phenomenal. We’re going to take the whole country and repopulate it with Emma Stone, Scarlett Johansson and Channing Tatum.
The news came soon after the announcement of Abrams’ other project: a live action remake of Anime Your Name. With concerns about white washing Asian characters still very much alive the Studio Exec asked Abrams how he would address concerns:
Oh yeah. We’ve thought about that. You see Japan as it exists today is full of Asian people because of where it is. But we’re going to remake it just off the coast of San Francisco and so that problem just goes away. The story of Japan is just so universal. We don’t need to worry about this or that cultural norm because isn’t everything really about white people anyway?
Japan will be available in the Pacific Ocean from January.
HOLLYWOOD – William Shatner signs on to direct Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan 2.
William Shatner is going to direct a sequel to his 1982 hit The Wrath of Khan. He spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the new film:
The first film was such a blast and everyone enjoyed it. I thought let’s do it again. These characters interest me. Captain Kirk interests me. I want to explore him. I want to see what happens next. And did Khan really die? I know Riccardo Montalban will be keen. I’ve called him a few times, but you know Riccardo. Always out and about.
How will the film fit in with the rest of the Star Trek universe?
I don’t understand the question.
Well, the different TV series, the JJ Abrams films.
I. Am. Not. familiar with. Those works.
What about the other films you did?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Star Trek The Wrath of Khan 2 will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Following his success rejuvenating one 70s blockbuster, JJ Abrams is turning his attention to Steven Spielberg’s Jaws.
Hardly a day goes by without someone yelling: ‘where oh where is the Jaws prequel we’ve all wanted?’ Well, those souls can rest assured: JJ Abrams is on the case with his new film Amity. JJ popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to jaw about his new project.
We want to make Jaws but this time with an alternative timeline. What would have happened to Chief Brody (Hayden Christensen) and his family if there hadn’t been any shark. No attacks, no blood in the water. All the questions we can answer.
When I first saw the original my big question was: who are these kids karate chopping the fences? What sort of investigation would that look like?
I know. And we get to see Quint (Will Ferrell) go into an alcohol induced coma, ironically the same day he would have been eaten by the shark.
Amity will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars Episode 8 is going to be more similar to Herbie Goes Bananas than the Love Bug, Kylo Ren actor Adam Driver has revealed.
With a great deal of secrecy surrounding the next instalment in the Star Wars franchise – the so-called Episode 8 – villain Adam Driver has revealed that the new movie will be a lot like Herbie Goes Bananas. Talking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, he said of the film:
We’re really watching all the Herbie films, but whereas JJ Abrams had us all watch The Love Bug, this time around Rian Johnson is getting us to screen Herbie Goes Bananas and our characters all have their parallel characters in the Disney film about everyone’s favorite VW Bug.
News will come as a relief to those fans who were worried that the new Disney made Star Wars films were getting too Star Warsy.
Star Wars Episode 8 will be released in 2017.
HOLLYWOOD – With the release of Star Trek Beyond, the Studio Exec FACT Squad has hit warp speed five and teleported to the planet’s surface dressed in red shirts.
To Boldly Go FACT CHECK where no man has gone before! The Studio Exec FACT Squad searches for the Tribbles of Truth.
1. Star Trek was created in 1964 by Gene Roddenberry who wrote a treatment for NBC executives, describing it as ‘similar to Star Wars, but about twelve years before Star Wars will be made.’ Understandably, no one knew what Gene was smoking but the show got green-lit anyway. JJ Abrams ironically used exactly the same pitch when he went for the job of directing the reboot in 2009.
2. Star Trek was one of the first multiracial casts on network television. With Klingons, Romulans, Vulcans and Humans frequently sharing the same screen. Previously each race had been given their own separate shows such as The Krazy Klingons Laugh In and Honey, Where’s My Pon Farr?
3. Everyone in Star Fleet is issued with a light sabre, but no one uses it, because they forget it’s there.
4. Originally Captain Kirk was played by Leonard Nimoy, but Roddenberry agreed for Nimoy and Canadian scuba diver William Shatner to swap roles when Nimoy had to go to the dentist to have caps fitted. Fortunately, Nimoy’s pointy ears were to become a trade mark part of his character Mr. Spock. Later Nimoy exploited his Star Trek fame to write a book about child rearing which was hugely influential, instructing parents to leave their children with wolves ‘as often as is humanly possible.’
5. The actual spaceship in Star Trek – the USS Enterprise – is actually a model and is unable fly in space or achieve warp drive. It is so small that not even one person could fit in it, let alone a crew of hundreds. It’s shit. It really is. Very disappointing.
HOLLYWOOD – The USS Enterprise NCC-1701 has been destroyed again, Star Fleet revealed today.
The space ship the USS Enterprise has once more been destroyed. The deep space exploration vessel has been destroyed several times in the past, but has always been rebuilt and refitted. Usually commanded by Captain Kirk it was initially commanded by Captain Pike and Captain Spock had a short stint as a commander before then Admiral Kirk took over and destroyed the ship again. Captain Jean-Luc Picard had been the last captain to destroy the ship until the arrival of a new Captain Kirk who quickly got on with the job of destroying the Starship Enterprise.
A spokesperson for Star Fleet spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:
The fact that this space ship keeps getting destroyed is an area of concern for us. There have to be serious safety issues. We’ve had this before. We did a statistical analysis and we found a surprisingly high casualty rate among any crew member who wore a red shirt. We changed all the shirts to mauve and the numbers changed accordingly. Maybe we should think about renaming the Enterprise. After all, it’s not the f*cking Death Star.
The Starship Enterprise can be seen blowing up in Star Trek Beyond.
HOLLYWOOD – The Galactic Empire – AKA the First Order – has revealed plans to build ‘just one more Death Star’ in the hope that this time it will survive more than a week.
A planet destroying battle station is a powerful weapon indeed, and the Galactic Empire have spent trillions of dollars building three versions. The first one was destroyed almost forty years ago by the Rebel Alliance when a previously unsuspected Exhaust Port proved a complete liability. Death Star expert Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:
There was a lot of finger pointing when the first Death Star was blown up but really no one could see that coming and a battle station which is the size of a small moon needs somewhere to vent. You can’t just seal it hermetically and hope for the best. Yes, in retrospect a kind of shell or net would have been a good idea, but seriously we thought people would be so scared they’d be too busy flying in the other direction.
The second Death Star wasn’t even constructed when it too was destroyed. Poulis again:
Here I don’t think anyone per se was to blame. The Emperor had pushed ahead on the weapons front so that it was fully operational, meaning it could fire its weapons. But it wasn’t yet completely built. Ironically the exhaust port was covered in armor this time and guarded with massive cannons. But as the shell of the station hadn’t been completed the Rebel ships could just fly right in and blow up the power core with not much ado.
The third battle station was the giant Star Killer. General Hux spoke to the Studio Exec about this station:
We’re still pretty gutted about the Star Killer. Honestly I thought we’d covered our bases. First of all we established it on a planet so we cut down significantly on construction and labor costs. And because now we are an environmentally conscious Galactic Empire we used solar energy as our power source. No more dirty nuclear waste. When we blow up planets now, we do so cleanly and responsibly. So when the rebels once more managed to find a way to destroy we were all very, very upset. Many people think the First Order don’t have feelings, but I can tell you that ruined a lot of people’s Christmases. Lord Snoke tried to get everyone to cheer up doing Wookie impersonations but it was more sad than it was funny.
And yet you plan to build another one.
We’re going to try one last time. The thing is when we do get it right the results are amazing. Just ask anyone who was on Alderaan. Or don’t! Ha ha ha. So is it a risk? Yes, but the Galactic Empire is all about living on the risk. Thinking outside of the box. What do they expect us to do having destroyed three of our battle stations already? Not build another obviously. But then we don’t do that. I read the Steve Jobs biography over the new Year to cheer me up and I think his do the unexpected philosophy ‘Think different’ is very much aligned with what we’re trying to do. Look, we call ourselves the First Order, even though it’s obvious we’re the second. That’s all you need to know.
The Death Star 4 will be open for business sometime in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Following the controversy surrounding the Star Wars Monopoly game which excluded the figure of Rey (Daisy Ridley), Hasbro has announced that she will appear in the Ghostbusters Monopoly game to be released in June, 2016.
The controversy was sparked when players noticed that Hasbro’s Star wars themed Monopoly game featured Darth Vader, Kylo Ren, Finn and Luke Skywalker, but failed to include arguably the protagonist of The Star Wars: The Force Awakens: Rey played by British actor Daisy Ridley. Letters were written and a campaign launched via Twitter and other social media sites featuring the hashtag #WheresRey. Even JJ Abrams was caught up in the furor, punching a journalist who asked him the question and having to spend the night in a jail cell in New Mexico. However, today Hasbro released a statement promising that the figure of Rey would feature in the new Ghostbusters Monopoly game.
Here is the statement in full:
Hasbro has a long reputation of making stuff and selling it to people and so we are very careful and sensitive to issues of what people who we sell stuff to think and feel and stuff. Apparently some of these people are girls and/or women and they got upset because of something we did or didn’t do, we weren’t really listening, but we get it you’re upset. So, if you really think it’s that big a deal what we’re going to do is release the Rey action figure as a counter on the All New Ghostbusters Monopoly Game. This way all the girls can be together, is our thinking. It’s okay. Don’t mention it.
The Ghostbusters Monopoly Game will be released in July of this year.