5 REASONS WHY THE GREAT WALL FLOPPED AT THE BOX OFFICE

HOLLYWOOD – Why did Matt Damon’s new film The Great Wall flop at the Box Office?

We sent our FACT squad to find out why The Great Wall flopped.

1 People who hate Donald Trump don’t want to see a film with Wall in the title.

2 People who love Donald Trump don’t want to see a film about China.

3 People who love Jimmy Kimmel don’t want to see Matt Damon doing anything.

4 People who love Matt Damon don’t exist.

5 Racism

For more FACTS click HERE.

DENTIST WALTER PALMER NOW DESIGNATED AN ENDANGERED SPECIES

MINNESOTA – The face of Walter Palmer was projected onto the side of the Empire State Building last night to highlight the fact that the dentist who killed Cecil the lion has now been labeled an endangered species.

Following a vicious social media campaign and a personal fatwah issued by Jimmy Kimmel, the World Wildlife Organisation and Greenpeace have both issued statements saying that they believe Walter Palmer is now himself an endangered species along with tigers, dolphins, polar bears, giraffes, pandas and rhinoceros.

A spokesperson for Greenpeace told the Studio Exec:

There was a time that asshole dentists would roam the world—vast herds of them. But with the introduction of more and more urban development, industrial logging and intensive farming practices, they have been reduced to a meager collection scrabbling out multimillion-dollar livings in places such as Minnesota, New York and California. Palmer himself is a representative of a larger problem. And one feels that this recent scandal, following his killing of Cecil the lion, will drive the man far from his normal habitat. He’s so obviously vulnerable now as he himself has become a target for high-end trophy hunters. This is like “Hard Target,” the John Woo film with Lance Henrikson and Jean-Claude Van Damme.

If you wish to donate money to the save Walter Palmer fund, send it to us and we’ll make sure Walter gets it.    

MAYWEATHER PACQUAIO FIGHT WAS LAST WEEK APPARENTLY

LAS VEGAS – Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquaio already fought Studio Exec learned earlier today.

According to my assistants in the Studio Exec bungalow, the fight took place on the second of May and was televised on Pay per View. Tickets had been bought but the date had not been checked and I was very busy with work and when I wasn’t working I was drinking and when I wasn’t drinking, I was in what is technically called by scientists a ‘stupor’. Apparently, Justin Bieber was in one corner and Jimmy Kimmell was in another, but precise details are hazy and I’m still piecing the sequence of events together carefully.

The news hit just as I was getting into the car with my Go Manny t-shirt on and my usual hunting rifles, 5 casks of beer and 7 crates of grapefruit juice, in other words, everything a fight fan needs to enjoy the ancient art. My reaction I’m ashamed to say was poor, but fortunately I was reminded that due to the strange behavior of time, I was now due to catch my flight to Cannes anyway. So off I set.

I don’t even know who won the fight, but I hope it was Manny. Floyd Mayweather strikes me as an a-hole.

DENNIS QUAID SUED BY CHRISTIAN BALE

HOLLYWOOD- Dennis Quaid is being sued by Christian Bale for plagiarism, it emerged yesterday.

The legal action came after an online video leaked of Dennis Quaid ‘losing his shit’ while filming on set. The star is apparently irked by an interruption and starts yelling and roaring about the ‘dopey dick’ whispering in the ear of the director while Quaid is trying to ‘say his line’, which is technical actor’s jargon for saying something. Voices in the Christian Bale camp say that the Dark Knight actor was incensed when he saw the video. One report said that:

Bale was furious. He was watching the video on a laptop and he started screaming: ‘Are you f*cking kidding me? Oh yeah well, f*ck you! F*CK YOU! YOU ARE NOT YOUR F*CKING BROTHER! F*ck this bullshit. THAT’S ME, you’re doing exactly the same f*cking thing I did!’

News that there is a video of Christian Bale flipping out at Dennis Quaid flipping out looks like a definite possibility.

Bale’s legal team have lodged their complaint for intellectual copyright infringement claiming that:

Mr. Bale’s public persona is part of his brand and affects directly his commercial standing in the entertainment business. His famous temper is an original creation, as is his reputation for difficultness and moodiness. Mr. Quaid’s behavior is an obvious copy-catting which in the litigants opinion constitutes theft.

Jimmy Kimmel was not available for comment.

BARACK OBAMA TO GUEST HOST SNL

NEW YORK – Following President Barack Obama’s hit turn on Jimmy Kimmel Live – reading nasty tweets – it has been revealed that POTUS will guest host Saturday Night Live some time later this year.

Showrunner Lorne Michaels told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We’ve been trying to book Barack now for years. He has a fine comic talent. His corrsepondent’s dinner speeches are classics of stand up and when I saw him on Kimmel, I won’t lie I was mad as hell. He’d always told us he was too busy with affairs of state to come over and do some hosting for us. So I got him on the phone and this time there was no backing out.

President Obama himself issued a statement confirming that the long awaited comedy turn would happen.

I am leader of the free world and one of the most powerful men in the Western Hemisphere. I’m Commander in Chief and I have the powers of the NSA, CIA, FBI and a number of drones at my beck and call. But what I really want to do is make people laugh. I enjoyed my time with Jimmy Kimmel and I am really looking forward to joining the SNL cast and kicking back with some hilarious sketches. I’m particularly eager to team up with Sarah Palin, who I hear is as funny a gal in real life as she is on television.

The news comes as rumors circulate about a possible prime time spot for Barack Obama in his post presidential career. The show that has been touted will be written by Jon Favreau and will be titled Barack Obama’s Laugh In.

Barack Obama presents SNL will be broadcast sometime in April.

 

DAVID LETTERMAN TO RETIRE IN ‘YEARS’

NEW YORK – The world of television was reeling after David Letterman announced that he’d be retiring from CBS in a few years.

President Obama expressed shock and sadness while Jimmy Kimmel wept on his television show, tearing his clothes and screaming ‘Why God? WHY?’

Reports of rioting in downtown New York were confirmed as the news spread via social media sites such as ‘Twitter’ and ‘MySpace’. John Travolta was so shocked he actual pronounced Chiwetel Eijofor’s name correctly when he telephoned him to confirm the news. Seth MacFarlane has announced that an episode of Cosmos will now be devoted to giving a scientific explanation of aging and religious leaders, including Pope Francis was quick to assert that this was not proof of the absence of a benevolent creator, though the Pope admitted it did ‘dent God’s image.’

More on this shocking story as we get it. Please feel free to pour out your grief in the comments box below.

JAY LENO HANDCUFFS HIMSELF TO DESK

HOLLYWOOD – The final Tonight Show under the twenty plus year tenure of Jay Leno ended with a Presidential visit and an all star cast (and Jack Black) serenading the host, but when the applause died down and the cameras ceased broadcasting it was discovered that Leno had handcuffed himself to the desk and swallowed the key. 

Studio heads were called in to try and talk some sense into the man, but he kept shouting ‘Blah blah blah’ whenever they tried to speak. Jimmy Fallon is understood to have been taken into protective custody following the discovery of a receipt in Leno’s dressing room, apparently for ‘1 Mafia hit – $700 Kimmel Fallon, Jimmy.’ 
Sources in NBC told the Studio Exec:

I think Jay is overreacting. Most of us assumed that Jay would be back on the Tonight Show in three months anyway, six months tops. But I don’t know. He’s hurting and angry and he’s not thinking straight. 

Some blame Oprah Winfrey for the stand off as she apparently now refuses to sing, one of the only weapons they can deploy against Leno. 

The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon and Jay Leno will broadcast on NBC.