OLIVER STONE OVERDOSES ON CONSPIRACY

HOLLYWOOD – Oliver Stone rushed to hospital with a suspected overdose of conspiracy.

Filmmaker Oliver Stone was rushed to hospital last night following a suspected conspiracy overdose. Fortunately this morning he was well enough to talk to the Studio Exec via one of those voice scramblers serial killers use when they taunt the police:

Hey Exec! How’s it going?

Good. How are you Oliver?

I’ve been better. This is a dark period for me. Trump is in the White House. Hillary Clinton is in the woods. The FBI and the NSA are testifying in a hearing. The chairman of the hearing is running round to the White House to tell the President what’s going on. Thereby sabotaging his own hearing. It’s dark times indeed.

Is it as bad as when you directed Alexander?

Let’s not go over the top. It’s bad but nothing can compare to Colin Farrell in a tunic.

So what happened?

As you know I’ve been someone who has been interested in secret machinations of power all my life. Whether it’s Nixon or JFK, or producing my Secret History of the USA documentary. But this stuff is the good stuff. I’ve never mainlined something so pure before. You have Russians, Wikileaks, Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, Sean Spicer, Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. And I haven’t mentioned Jeff Sessions and Michael Flynn. Or the Christopher Steele dossier or the fact that the Russians mentioned have started dropping like flies. Flies that have been shot and poisoned. Goddamn this stuff is powerful.

Are you going to make a film about it?

I’d love to, but who will believe it. I mean, we’re watching it unfold right now in front of our eyes and we don’t believe. I guess you could just watched Natural Born Killers again. That pretty much sums it all up.

What do you think is going to happen?

I don’t know. The doctors have prescribed that I watch nothing but Sesame Street for a year.

But Trump’s budget is going to cancel that.

Motherfucker!

Oliver Stone’s Secret History of the United States of America Volume Ten Trumped Up will be released in 2018.

JACKIE – REVIEW

REVIEW – Jackie sees Princess Padme Amidala having bad luck with boyfriends again.

Pablo Larrain’s first English language movie is an unorthodox and occasionally great biopic of Jackie Kennedy. I’m not even sure if biopic is really right. Dealing with the days following the assassination, the film uses flashback and forths to show a young woman in the grip of a national tragedy. Unsure what to do best, Jackie seeks solace in a priest, played with a warm brogue by John Hurt. On the other side of the fence is a probing journalist, played by Billy Cudrup, trying to break the facade. This close up of the personal side to a very public event shows the madness of fame. Jackie becomes someone who is trying to escape being simply the victim of a terrible tragedy. It allows her missteps even as she seeks desperately to preserve and burnish the myth of Camelot.

It’ll be hard to keep Portman out of the Oscar running. And who’d want to. The score by Micah Levi either gets on your tits or is brilliant.

 For more Reviews, Click Here.

OLIVER STONE NEW JFK THEORY: OSWALD DID IT!

DALLAS – Snowden film director, conspiracy theorist and eyebrow pioneer, Oliver Stone has a new theory regarding the assassination of John F. Kennedy and it’s crazy! 

The JFK director phoned the Studio Exec early this morning, careful to disguise his voice:

For years, I’ve been convinced that President John Kennedy was shot by someone shooting from the direction of the grassy knoll. Possibly, two shooters. On the Zapruder footage, the head clearly goes back and to the left. Back and to the left! And given the speed of the car and the direction it was travelling through Dealey Plaza, that seemed like the only logical conclusion. However it has come to my attention that there was also a man in the Book Depository Building which had a clear view of the square and a marksman, someone trained in the marines for instance, could have taken the kill shot from there. And what is more damning is the nature of that building. A ‘Book’ depository building? Books? in Dallas, Texas? I don’t think so.

I think we…

Now, it so happens a man was arrested and quite conveniently shot the following day, before he could fully confess. That man’s name I’ve learned was Lee Harvey Oswald. So I asked myself could this be the man who shot John F. Kennedy?

But…

Of course, I couldn’t be sure, but then I got a photograph of Oswald and he is the spitting image of Gary Oldman. That sealed the deal. 

But this is the accepted official version of events.

Exactly. It’s reverse psychology, you see. They know I’m always onto them. So they give me the truth knowing that I’ll head off arm in arm with Kevin Costner to dig up any species of bullshit and discredit myself and my friends, when all along the real conspiracy was right there in front of me all the time. You have to hand it to Richard Nixon, the Mafia, Cuban right wingers and the CIA, they almost got away with it this time.

Oliver Stone will be revealing a JFK: the Director’s Cut in 2017, as soon as he has completed his three week version of Alexander: the Seriously This Is It Cut.  

DID FRANK SINATRA KILL JFK?

WASHINGTON – Earlier today, the estate of the late Dean Martin sensationally released a signed document which they claim is the dictated deathbed confession of the former lounge singer and actor.

The document, which is still awaiting official verification, contains several allegations including Jerry Lewis’ secret donations to The Baadar-Meinhoff Gang and Sammy Davies Jnr’s links to the Israeli Intelligence service Mossad. The most explosive passage of the confession, however, is Martin’s suggestion that Frank Sinatra was the infamous ‘Man on
the Grassy Knoll’, who conspiracy theorists have long alleged was responsible for the assassination of former US president John F Kennedy:

I was at my suite in The Tropicana in December 1963 and Sinatra came over with a bottle of Scotch. We polished that off pretty swiftly and, halfway through the next, Frank suddenly asked me what I thought about the assassination. I told him I was sorry for his family but after what that son of a bitch did to Marilyn – I had no personal love for the man. Suddenly, Frank started laughing like a maniac and when I asked him what he was laughing about, he said he had a confession to make; but if I ever told anyone about it I’d end up in a hole in the desert. I thought he was just drunk and boasting so I said, “Sure Frank, spill your guts and I won’t tell another living soul.”

Well what he said next has been eating away at my conscience for over 30 years. He told me that the wrong man had been accused of killing the president and ole Harvey Oswald had been set up to take the fall. Still thinking he was just kidding around I said “Sure Frank, how come you know so much about it?”. Suddenly Sinatra approached me, put both hands firmly on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. “I know about it Deano because I was the man who shot JFK”.

Now Frank was known for talking all kinds of bull and, at first, I thought he was just taking a joke too far – but then he told me how he had been at a card game on November 19th with Mickey Rooney, Tony Curtis, Peter Lawford and Mob boss Sam Giancana. He said everyone was pretty drunk and Sam got talking about how he rigged the New York vote to get Kennedy elected but the President was still busting his balls left, right, and centre. Then the conversation turned to what that son of a bitch did to Marilyn; Giancana got angry and exclaimed, “Will no-one rid me of this turbulent President?” With that, Frank said he excused himself from the table to take a leak and decided he was going to charter a plane to Dallas and assassinate Kennedy.

“It was easy Deano”, he told me, “I borrowed a rifle from Lauren Bacall and jumped on a plane to Dallas. Next thing I know it’s lunch time and I’m stood behind this grassy knoll holding half a bottle of tequila and a 6.5 mm Carcano. I saw the Presidents Limo go past, fired off a couple of shots and then wandered off to find a 7-Eleven.”

I asked Frank how Oswald got caught up in the mess and he said he had “No idea,” but it was – “Probably something to do with the Cubans”.

You know I’ve kept that secret for so long but now I’m on my way out, I thought it was high time the truth came out.

Obviously Martin’s revelations are already sending shock waves around the world and we will keep you updated on the fallout, as it happens.

NICOLAS CAGE TO PLAY RONALD REAGAN

WASHINGTON – Nicolas Cage has confirmed he will be playing Ronald Reagan in Oliver Stone’s Reagan.

Jessica Biel is rumored to be on board for the role of the First Lady Nancy.

Cage stated that he looked forward to the challenges of the role:

Ronald Reagan is a giant figure in our recent political history and he represented both the good and the bad in our culture. Many still look upon him as a hero who won the Cold War and led America through difficult times. Oliver has a different take on it and it’ll be interesting to see what comes out.

Stone said that his version of Reagan would be that of a dangerous right wing demagogue whose early stage dementia proved a security risk throughout his second term.

I’ve been making films about Presidents now for years,’ the mono-browed maverick belched. ‘JFK, W and Nixon were all received as the definitive word on each incumbent. I’ll finish Reagan and next year I want to go straight into a back to back production of Carter and Clinton.

Asked what made him cast Cage, Stone laughed, ‘Well, of course Reagan himself was a lousy actor and so I thought why not get a lousy actor to play him. No but seriously that is the reason.’

Reagan will be released in 2016.

DID OLIVER STONE KILL ABRAHAM LINCOLN?

HOLLYWOOD – A new book by maverick director Oliver Stone claims that the Platoon director was directly involved in the successful plot to assassinate the 16th President of the United States of America, Abraham Lincoln.

The second most famous presidential assassination – after that of William McKinley – the murder of President Lincoln in 1865 sent shock waves through the USA, following his successful resolution of the Civil War. For years it was believed that his assassin was the actor and Southern rebel John Wilkes Booth, but a new book by Cornell Historian Anthony Guber Stoned to Death: Oliver Stone and the Death of Abraham Lincoln: including an Appendix on Pearl Harbor and the Illuminati posits the thesis that director Oliver Stone (born 99 years subsequent to the President’s demise) was the actual assassin.

The book reads:

Records show that Oliver Stone joined the army in 1967 and fought in Vietnam. What they don’t show is that after his first tour of duty he was recruited into a special covert group of the US Army specializing in Time War. As Lincoln had placed legal limits on the days (no fighting on Sundays and Wednesdays Law) on which the army could fight in 1866, severely hampering the effort to defeat Communism in South East Asia, this group decided on a radical plan to assassinate Lincoln before he signed the law. Stone was chosen because of his creativity and aim. His whole career has been something of an extended apology and covert confession of his crime. JFK in particular sees him project his guilt into a convoluted conspiracy against another president, but if you switch Kennedy for Lincoln, then you have what is essentially a mea culpa.

The author cites other evidence such as the fact that Daniel Day Lewis in preparing for the role of Lincoln in Spielberg’s film of the same name, received extensive coaching from Stone on ‘authenticity’. And an interview with French cultural magazine Chapeau in which Stone stated:

Of course I’m delighted that Obama is our President but people keep saying he’s our first black president. They forget that Frederick Douglas became President after Abraham Lincoln endorsed him. Oh wait… I killed Lincoln didn’t I?

Oliver Stone was unavailable for comment.