5 CELEBRITIES YOU DIDN’T KNOW WERE JEWISH

HOLLYWOOD – Film making and show business has had a long tradition of wonderful Jewish performers, but sometimes as a result of anti-Semitism or the short-sightedness of casting directors, some prefer to keep their ethnic identities under wraps.

Here are five celebrities who you might not have realized were actually Jewish.

Mel Gibson: Born in New York, Mel’s father was a man known to all as ‘the biggest Jew in New York’, but after founding a political party based on intense love of vegetables which led the notorious veggie-phobic New Yorkers to hunt him from his lower Manhattan brown stone and board a slow boat to Australia where Mel was brought up as an Aryan.

Gwyneth Paltrow: When she’s not bringing Robert Downey Jr coffee in Iron Man, Gwyneth Paltrow likes nothing more than to curl up with the Kabbala and a kosher vegan fruititarian power smoothie, unless it’s her cheat day in which case it’s fried dolphin sandwich sprinkled with chopped bacon and kittens’ noses.

John Wayne: The Duke was nothing if he wasn’t Jewish. In fact the reason he always made Westerns was that he liked to wear his kippah, (or yarmulke) under his cowboy hat.

Woody Allen: Talk about ‘hiding in plain sight’! Woody Allen has gone to great lengths to hide his Yiddish heritage by appearing in a series of films in which he plays a Jew but he has always publicly identified as a one of the Goyim. Not only did Allen change his name from Allan Stewart Konigsberg to Heywood “Woody” Allen after seeing Toy Story 2.

Jesus Christ: Possibly the most famous person in the world, Jesus began his life as a Jew and kind of ended it Jewish also. His lifework – to reform the Jewish religion – was rather misunderstood by his followers, who disregarded most of his teaching, preferring to invent an entirely new religion. Oops. Mel Gibson famously made a movie trying to fix the confusion, but succeeded only in making it worse.

For more FACTS click HERE.

EWAN MCGREGOR ‘SECOND COMING OF CHRIST’

HOLLYWOOD – Following his recent ordination into the Catholic church (CLICK HERE to read more), Ewan McGregor has been fast tracked from priest to actual messiah.

The former Pillow Book star, Ewan McGregor was revealed to be the Second Coming of Christ during the filming of his new film Last Days in the Desert.

Co-star Ciaran Hinds told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY of how the final Revelation was revealed:

Everyone on the shoot was touched by what they saw. At first I thought Ewan was employing the method, he was sermonizing and talking in parables constantly – though a lot of it was about motorcycles – but then when the catering truck didn’t turn up on the seventh day, Ewan found a can of tuna and some crackers and somehow managed to whip up enough food to feed everyone. There weren’t five thousand, but still it was both impressive and delicious.

Although some have doubted the veracity of the miracles attributed to Ewan McGregor, Pope Francis himself seems to be convinced. Speaking at the Vatican, he told a delegation from Scotland:

In my opinion, Father Ewan McGregor has very many similarities with Jesus Christ. Jesus, you’ll remember, was crucified and died for our sins, but then on the third day he rose again. Ewan McGregor appeared in Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, but now he has made yet another film, rising in a very literal/metaphorical way from the dead. Coincidence? This pope [pointing at himself with both thumbs] don’t think so.

The Last Days in the Desert will be released later in 2015 and Father Ewan will be hearing confession from three o’clock on Sunday.

 

THE JESUS CHRIST COMEBACK SPECIAL




























THE VATICAN – After a another year in which scandals have rocked the Catholic Church, the Vatican PR department have decided it’s high time they rolled the dice and brought out the big guns.

“We considered inviting One Direction or Coldplay to play a concert,” said Cardinal Fellini. 

But the reputation of the church has been damaged so badly we knew there was only one artist big enough to rescue our faith from the doldrums.

Yes folks, you guessed it. The man, the myth, the messiah, Jesus Christ will be performing a Comeback Special in St. Peter’s square on Easter Sunday 2014.

Elvismight be the King but Jesus is the King of Kings!” said his agent Chuck Barrow.

JC was reluctant at first and didn’t feel it was the right time to resurrect his career. It’s been a while since he performed live and he wasn’t sure if the audience would turn out for him but he had nothing to fear. We’ve sold so many tickets it’s going to make Live Aid look like the Last Supper.

Barrow confirmed the three hour show is going to feature classic hits from his repertoire but also some new material:

Of course he’ll do the loaves and fishes, feeding of the five thousand and healing the sick etc … I mean if you went to see Jesus and he never walked on water you’d go home disappointed so all that will be in there. He’s also going to duet with Rihanna on Make me a Channel of your Peace, Elton John on The Bitch is Back and he personally asked for Spinal Tap to join him for a stomping cover of  Spirit in the Sky.

Barrow also revealed that if the gig goes as well as expected. Jesus might embark on a world tour in 2014:

It could happen. He said to me “Chuck. I’ll play anywhere, Vegas, Mecca, Tokyo but I won’t play Jerusalem”. Understandably so because the last time he played a gig there, the crowd really turned on him.

The Jesus Christ Comeback Special will be televised live on Easter Sunday 2014.