JESSE EISENBERG TO STAY IN JAIL UNTIL MAN OF STEEL 2

HOLLYWOOD – Jesse Eisenberg has been remanded in custody until the making of Man of Steel 2.

Lex Luthor star and short story writer Jesse Eisenberg will stay in jail until the shooting of Man of Steel 2, it was revealed today. Eisenberg has not actually been formally charged with a crime, but Zack Snyder and the executives at Warner Brothers decided that his portrayal of Lex Luthor was so irritating that he deserved to be incarcerated and kept away fromt he general public for their mutual protection. Snyder spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

Jesse is a method actor as I’m sure you know. That annoying shtick he does in practically every movie, that takes tonnes of preparation. I mean he’s never out of character. He’s so committed. Once we were even shooting really late and he was still in character. It was unbelievable. Ben Affleck came up to me and said ‘Is there anyway we can shut him off?’ That got us all thinking. Of course there wasn’t but as we were shooting in chronological order – because of hair issues – and we were shooting in a real prison, once we got him in the cell, we just locked him in and ‘forgot’ to go back for him.

Won’t you be in trouble legally?

Who gives a shit?

Man of Steel 2 won’t even feature Lex Luthor.

37 THINGS WRONG WITH BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

HOLLYWOOD – Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice has earned record breaking box office but has had something of a critical mauling.

So what went wrong with The Man of Steel and Batman sequels and The Justice League prequel, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. We lit up the skies above Gotham and Metropolis with our very own FACT signal and the Squad leaped into action. Caution: there are SPOILERS ahead:

1 The plot is terrible. A lot of venom is expended on Zack Snyder but who wrote this crap? David S. Goyer was involved in the Nolan Batmans and they were Shakespeare compared to this. Chris Terrio, I presume as the writer of Argo, is Affleck’s polisher. So who is responsible? And did they actually re-read the script once they wrote it, because it just looks like there are so many first draft problems in here.

2. The action is mostly terrible. Mostly. There are some good bits – the Batman fight in the warehouse is pretty good – but another big fight in another semi-destroyed city. And none of the Superman superhero bits look super-heroic.

3. Everybody does everything for no apparent reason. No motivation is apparent for anyone. No one actually behaves in a way that makes any consistent sense. Again Shakespeare this ain’t, so I’m not looking for layers of psychological interiority but the Road Runner cartoons have more character logic than this film.

4. Everything is in close up. I get it that this is from a comic book and some of the shots slavishly reproduce panels from sources such as The Dark Knight Returns, but this is cinema and just as a Jane Austen adaptation shouldn’t just reproduce reams of chuntering dialogue, so a comic book movie has to work out a way of producing a cinematic version of the story that makes visual sense.

5. We see Batman’s parents getting shot again. One of these days we might have a Batman movie that doesn’t go into the dark origin story, but at the moment every story is an origin story.

6. We see young master Wayne meeting the bats again and being able to fly. We saw this done so much better in Batman Begins and the film doesn’t seem to know whether it wants to carry on from the Nolan films – the destroyed house looks similar – or be different.

7. People walk in slow motion when sad. And leaves fall from trees at funerals – as though the very trees did weep!

8. 9/11 parallels are now officially the worst thing to come out of 9/11 after the invasion of Iraq but before the invasion of Afghanistan. The ineptness of story is much more forgivable if it isn’t loaded with portentous incoherent political subtext.

9. Superman still hasn’t learned to slow down when he lands.

10. Superman has no problem killing people anymore. Lois Lane is now the facilitator who gives him an excuse to off people. And he even gives her a bit of a wink as if they both get off on it.

11. Lois Lane – ace reporter – begins an interview with an African war lord with the probing question: ‘Are you a terrorist?’ This is a quote from The Insider when Christopher Plumber playing Mike Wallace asks the same question, but there it said something about character and it was a television interview. Here it is simply reckless and tactically stupid.

12. Jimmy works for the CIA! WTF?

13. Clark Kent has no charisma, no dopey charm, and acts exactly like Superman as if the costume was the only difference. Cavill should be playing two distinct characters but he barely manages one. Frankly both Superman and Clark Kent are played as Henry Cavill wearing different clothes.

14. Congressional hearings are held about Superman intervening in Africa, but not about his destruction of an entire city in the previous film.

15. Superman looks embarrassed when he turns up at congressional hearings wearing his Superman costume, as if this was a party and he thought it was fancy dress but it wasn’t.

16. Superman doesn’t actually get to say anything at the hearing. You’ve set up a confrontation. Sure the bomb is going to go off, but why not have a bit of to and fro before hand. Some talking, some justifications, some arguments, instead of another CGI explosion, because, Lord knows, that’s what this movie lacks?

17. Why Lex Luthor blows up the hearing is a total mystery. If it was to frame Superman, it doesn’t work. He offs his assistants as well, for no particular reason.

18. Not even Lex Luthor knows why Lex Luthor is doing what Lex Luthor is doing. And there’s no explanation for how Lex Luthor created Facebook. Jesse Eisenberg doesn’t know what Lex Luthor is doing. Or what Jesse Eisenberg is doing.

21. Neither does Zack Snyder.

22. Alfred (Jeremy Irons) doesn’t do much and is sucking a toffee all the way through his performance.

23. Batman is fine with killing people, torturing people, branding people and doesn’t once say ‘To the Batmobile’. And Batman gets into shape by hitting tractor tires with a large hammer.

24. There are dream sequences that are so long that people in them go to sleep and have dream sequences in the dream sequences.

25. Despite being called ‘Superman’, Henry Cavill plays the hero as a teenager with self-esteem issues and who hasn’t had a shit for five days.

26. Gotham and Metropolis are so close they are actually boroughs of each other.

27. No one understands technology. We can clone phones remotely, but we need to physically plug in a thumb drive to get the goods on Lex Luthor.

28. When Lex Luthor introduces Clark Kent to Bruce Wayne, why is he so excited about it? Clark Kent writes for page twenty three of the Daily Planet. He’s a nobody surely.

29. Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) is great, but she is basically in the film to advertise her own film and the films of The Flash, Acquaman et al.

30. Laurence Fishburne doesn’t deserve this.

31. The sinister Asian female assistant is becoming a bit too much of a thing.

32. Superman dies twice. With zero emotional effect.

33. Doomsday is Troll from Moria. Big CGI monsters are so boring. Why does Lex Luther create him? What was the plan? Was that his plan all along?

34. Lois Lane throws away a kryptonite spear, then goes back to get it and then almost drowns. Needs rescuing. Then Superman almost dies getting the spear.

35. Batman, who knows that the spear can kill Superman, at no point offers to help out with the spear, preferring to see Superman almost die.

36. No one has ever stopped a fight to the death because their mothers share the same name. Not ever.

37. By the way, Adolf Hitler’s mother was called Martha.

This list has finished more because of exhaustion than through any sense of completeness. If you want to add to it please use the comment box.

 

 

THE GUY WHO HATED NOW YOU SEE ME, A SHORT STORY BY JESSE EISENBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Following his short story ‘An Honest Film Review’ in the New Yorker, Jesse Eisenberg has kindly agreed to write a short story EXCLUSIVELY for The Studio Exec.

The Guy who Hated Now You See Me

This was 2013, and I was with the usual crowd of friends on Friday night. We’re all studying at NYU and Pringle, Billy the Beard and Sally are all grad students. I used to be a grad student but apparently you need some kinda diploma or degree or something. Still, they let me hang out with them, even if sometimes they treat me condescendingly and say that I have a disgusting body odor. And this isn’t something I overheard. They said it ‘to my face’. So Pringle, who identifies as female, said, ‘Hey, let’s go and see that new Jessse Eisenberg movie.’

And everyone was like ‘don’t you mean the new Jesse Eisenberg movie’, and Pringle was saying ‘What did I say?’ and they said ‘You said Jessse Eisenberg’ and Pringle said, ‘Oh I’ve just been to the dentist and my mouth is still numbssss.’ So after a kaffufle it was agreed and we headed downtown to one of those ‘cinemas’. When we got to the cinema, there were people already there, which I hate. People are just so incredibly irritating. They represent over a million potential failings for me and I was standing in front of the poster for the movie and I said, ‘Oh Mark Ruffalo is in it. I like Mark Ruffalo!’ And this girl – who looked really hot, like Paris Hilton, but you know a hot version of Paris Hilton. And she said, ‘Mark Ruffalo? Are you kidding? He’s a piece of shit both talent-wise and in his social skills. You should go and see that movie just for Jesse Eisenberg.’ And I walked away from her but she followed me and she was telling me how at a party in Hollywood that she had gone to – she’s a publicist for some studio I quickly gathered – Mark Ruffalo and Jesse Eisenberg were both there and they both reached for the same jalapeno pepper at the same time and it was the last one and Jesse Eisenberg, being a gentleman, said ‘no please you take it Mark’ and right in front of everyone Mark Ruffalo – the c*nt – just took that jalapeno pepper and ate it right up. ‘That’s sick,’ someone in crowd said and they all started chanting ‘Ruffalo’s a c*nt! We prefered Edward Norton’s Hulk!’ Even though the chant was long, within seconds everyone was word perfect, because of the truth of the sentiment I suppose. I ducked into the toilets and looked at my tiny penis for a few minutes while it dropped urine out. Then I joined Pringle, Sally and Bill the Beard who had got the tickets and we went in.

I watched the movie but I was also conscious of Sally next to me and Pringle on my other side. I wondered if they’d ever allow me to take part in their much vaunted and well-publicized threesomes. I’d asked once but they had told me ‘no’. This had been the ‘disgusting body odor’ conversation of 2011. On the screen Jesse Eisenberg led a team of magicians who were mixed up in some nefarious dealings and Mark Ruffalo was a cop trying to catch them. I got very confused because of the deep thinking that the film demanded. And Jesse Eisenberg was just too intimidating for me to watch. I kept thinking: ‘This guy is so smart and self-aware and really handsome.’ And then I thought about my small penis and disgusting body odor and Mark Ruffalo eating that jalapeno pepper and I began to hate the movie. Not because of the movie you understand, but because of me and the fact I’m a terrible person who doesn’t even know it, because i have very little self-awareness. Unlike Jesse Eisenberg, who sometimes seems to have too much.

When we got out of the theatre, we hit a couple of bars and everyone was raving about the film. ‘Jesse Eisenberg is the best!’ ‘Magic is the new rock and roll!’ and ‘I’d hit that!’ were all real comments actual people said. We did Jaeger shots and everything got a little screwy. When I woke up next morning, I was in Pringle’s apartment and the walls were Jackson Pollocked with bloody and the floor sludgy with eviscera. Apparently, in a fit of jealous pique, I had killed all my friends in a horrifically violent rage after my Holocaust denial had met with like zero traction the night before.

On the wall miraculously free from blood splatter, Jesse Eisenberg looked down from a framed print from his earlier work The Squid and the Whale. His youthful face seemed to be looking directly at me and my small penis and my anti-Semitism and the bloody remains of my way cooler friends and I could almost hear the words of his thoughts in my own head. They said, ‘You really didn’t like Now You See Me? That’s okay. I guess everyone has a right to their opinion.’ And I knew then that now he saw me.

 

WHY BRUCE WILLIS WAS FIRED FROM WOODY ALLEN MOVIE

NEW YORK – Woody Allen today revealed for the first time why Bruce Willis left his new movie, even though shooting had already begun with the actor.

When Bruce Willis left the new Woody Allen as yet untitled movie, rumors immediately began to fly as to the reason. The official explanation was that it was due to scheduling problems as Willis was due to appear on Broadway in an adaptation of the Stephen King novel Misery. However, Woody Allen popped in to the Studio Exec New York penthouse to dish the dirt.

So Woody, how come Bruce left the new picture?

Oh he isn’t funny. The man is not funny. I remember him being wonderful in Moonlighting, a real light touch but something must have happened and he just hasn’t got it anymore. I thought he was good in Moonrise Kingdom as well. So when I was directing him, I said “how come you’re not funny? And you were funny in Moonrise Kingdom and Moonlighting, so what is it?” and he told me that he was only funny if there was a moon in the title. So I decided right there and then to change the title of the movie from Blintzes Ahoy! to Moon, but then someone told me there was already a movie called that and then someone else, I think it was Alan Alda told me that I’d made a film recently called Magic in the Moonlight, so I changed the title back! And goodbye Bruce.

Jesus! How’d he take it?

He was angry but I got the feeling that he was relieved. Rumor is he doesn’t really like working that much anyway. Turned out that Sylvester Stallone had fired him from Expendables 3 and I think Bruce just isn’t that interested anymore.

Jesse Eisenberg and Kristen Stewart are still in the cast however and filming continues.

The Twilight Blintzes Network will be released in 2016.

ALL FEMALE WONDER WOMAN CAUSES FURY

HOLLYWOOD – The release of further pictures from the upcoming Batman Vs Superman: Dawn of Justice confirmed that Wonder Woman will be played by a female actor: Gal Godot.

In photos released by Entertainment Weekly, the gender of the lead characters can be clearly seen, with Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) as a hippy, Superman (Henry Cavill) as a Christ like figure, Batman (Ben Affleck) looking like fatman, and Wonder Woman WEARING A DRESS.

The news came as a stunning revelation, following in the wake of the atrocities of GamerGate, the Vietnam of Reddit Revolt and some other third thing.

Top internet manist Herbert Frank had this to say:

First we have the all female Ghostbusters – which is just like raping my childhood – yes ‘raping’ it – and then we have the news that even Thor might be played by a ‘girl’. Then BANG! in the new Dawn of Justice picture Wonder Woman is actually being played by a woman, and to make matters worse a woman whose first name is Gal. As if she was just rubbing it into my man tears.

Zack Snyder responded to the controversy with unwarranted insouciance:

What? Is this a joke? I mean, it’s in the name. Wonder. Woman.

Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice will be released in 2016.

ROLAND EMMERICH TALKS FACEBOOK DOWN MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – For most of us it was a vaguely irritating absence of a social networking site but for Roland Emmerich it was a movie idea: Facebook Down will hit screens later this year.

The 2012 director spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’ve been wanting to make a picture like the Social Network for years, but the problem was it was all yackety yak. You really need something a bit more exciting to happen than for one rich guy to do over another rich guy and hurt their feelings. So when Facebook went down today, I thought this is it. Here I go. I’ve got Aaron Eckhart to play the terrorist Mr. MySpace, Jamie Foxx will reprise his role as President Broback Obamack. Channing Tatum is on board again as the male stripper turned head of presidential security, Mike. When this movie comes out, you’ll like it.

I certainly hope so.

No I mean you’ll like it. As in you’ll click that little thumbs up button.

Oh I get it.

Then why aren’t you laughing?

Ha. Ha ha.

The story is simple. Myspace is wracked with jealousy at the success of Jesse Eisenberg’s Facebook, so with the help of Eisenberg’s arch enemy Spider-Man (Andrew Garfield), he goes in and creates a glitch, threatening the world with no way of saying what’s on their mind. Unless they have twitter.

Facebook Down will be released Tuesday. 

JESSE EISENBERG IS LEONARD COHEN IN NEW BIOPIC

MONTREAL – Jonathan Demme‘s pet project Young Lenny – a portrait of Canadian happy clapper and merry pop picker Leonard Cohen – has finally ‘found its man’ in Zombieland and The Social Network star, Jesse Eisenberg.

“He’s perfect,” said Demme, director of such hits as Stop Making Sense and Silence of the Lambs. “He has that melancholy and the face, and, boy, you should hear him sing!”.

For his part, Eisenberg seemed stoked when he spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec:

I’ve loved Leonard’s work since I heard ‘When I Need You’. What a beautiful song. [Begins to sing] When I need you, I reach out my hand…

But that isn’t Leonard Cohen.

It isn’t?

That’s Leo Sayer.

Yeah. Right Leo Sayer. Whatever. But what I mean is the thing I love about Leonard is that he can be balladic and touching, or upbeat and happy.

Really?

Sure. [Starts singing again] You make me feel like dancing, I wanna dance the night away, you make me feel like…

That’s Leo Sayer again.

It is? Jesus Christ. Really? Okay what about ‘More Than I Can Say’?

Leo Sayer.

Well, what did Leonard god-damned Cohen do?

‘Hallelujah’, ‘Suzanne’, ‘Bird on a Wire’, ‘Chelsea Hotel’… 

Yak! Those are all miserable songs. Urgh. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. I can’t… I mean…

But you signed on to do a film and you didn’t know who the singer was?

Let’s not jump to conclusions here.  I’m going to call Jonathan and see if we can’t iron this out.

Young Leo will start filming this Summer.