TOP GUN 2 WILL INVOLVE AIRPLANES

HOLLYWOOD – Top Gun 2 will involve airplanes, Tom Cruise and Jerry Bruckheimer admitted yesterday.

Yesterday Tom Cruise and Jerry Bruckheimer Skyped the Studio Exec to talk about Top Gun 2 and they were adamant that the sequel to the popular 1986 action movie Tony Scott’s Top Gun will involve airplanes.

Studio Exec: So tell me guys. What’s up with all this noise about Top Gun?

Tom Cruise: We don’t want to give too much away because we want people to be surprised and enjoy the film, but we can say I think Jerry…

Jerry Bruckheimer: Careful Tom!

TC: We can say that there will be airplanes.

JB: I think we’re safe in saying that.

TC: And we’re not talking Word War One bi-wings here.

JB: No, nor are we talking about passenger jets, like 747s or something along those lines.

TC: Can I tell him?

JB: Sure, I guess. You’re not recording this Exec?

SE: No, ahem. No absolutely not.

TC: Okay, well, we’re thinking of getting Maverick back in the seat of one of those military fighter jets.

JB: Along with his Wingman.

TC: They’re gonna light up ISIS.

JB: Shhhh. Tom! Jesus!

TC: Oh yeah, forget I said that.

SE: Is Val Kilmer gonna be in it?

JB: You betcha. We’re gonna have to modify the … he’s put on a little weight, but yeah the Iceman returneth.

Top Gun 2: Topper Gun will be released in 2018.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER RE-IMAGINES THE MONA LISA

 PARIS – Standing gaping at the enigmatic smile of Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona lisa in the Louvre; movie producer Jerry Bruckheimer was distinctly overheard planning a drastic re-imagining of the renaissance masterpiece.

21 year old Canadian backpacker Matt Walker was first on the scene to capture the blue sky thinking of the Hollywood hit machine as he brazenly discussed radical new directions for the silent 16th Century visage. Walker’s tumblr blog reports:

It was such a thrill to be there to witness the master in action, the way he works a concept, his effortless phone networking with creatives in far flung locations all over the world… awesome! just awesome! 

In a spoiler filled post, Walker fully discloses all the possible plot details of the project, highlights include:

  • Bruckheimer is insisting on full 3D IMAX treatment for a fully immersive experience.
  • A scenery cameo for Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow, just over her left shoulder, creeping up and whispering ‘shhh’ to the viewer.
  • A high concept chase involving one of Da Vinci’s un-produced ‘Bat-Copter’ sketches.
  • A subplot about a troubled love affair with the Jesus Christ from Da Vinci’s Last Supper to be explored in a prequel painting.
  • The addition of a mechanical ‘Space Squid’.
Bruckheimer has since confirmed that the project is indeed being fast tracked and that he has already commissioned a few concept easels from Brett Ratner and a rough plot outline from Lost and Prometheus scribe Damon Lindelof
 
UPDATE: Bruckheimer has entered the sculpture section and is now brainstorming with the security guards about a Twilight style teen fantasy about a girl who falls for a statue of Roman Emperor Nero. McG is set to direct.

ARMAGEDDON PREQUEL: ‘LOOKS DULL’

HOLLYWOOD – The long awaited prequel of Michael Bay’s Armageddon has received an overwhelming thumbs down from the first test screenings Studio Exec has learned from inside sources.

The film, provisionally entitled The Rise of Armageddon, stars a cast of unknowns, including Mark Wahlberg as a young Billy Bob Thornton, Orlando Bloom as a young Bruce Willis, Meryl Streep as a young Liv Tyler, and Matt Damon as a young Ben Affleck. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and with a Hans Zimmer score, the studio hoped that the prequel would match the original which was the highest grossing motion picture of 1998, pissing on The Thin Red Line money wise from a height.  So what went wrong?

Below are some audience reactions with test score:

Alan Dunn(Chicago, Illinois):

DON’T GET IT. HARRY STAMPER AND HIS YOUNG PROTEGE A.J. DRILL UNDERWATER AND THE SCIENTIST DOES PAPERWORK. WTF? 2/10

Josie Perte (Austin, Texas): 

Why is the furniture moving? Oh that’s Mark Wahlberg and Orlando Bloom! Ha ha ha ha ha! 3/10

Monica Simons (San Francisco, California):

Nothing really happens. They just lead fairly normal lives. Then occasionally we see an asteroid but it’s too far away to be detected. And then some scientists at NASA say ‘Are there any asteroids heading towards the Earth?’ and another scientist checks like a machine and then he says, ‘No’ and then we’re back to drilling. 2/10  

Armond White (New York):

A work of absolute genius. Only Bay could have the audacity to take such a bold concept and run with it. Eschewing his usual vitality and car chases, and allowing only a tinge of his perfectly weighted homophobia and adolescent misogyny to seep in, Bay takes on the mantle of our generation’s Samuel Beckett. 20/10

Mannie Cloud (Tampa, Florida):

What’s Mark Wahlberg doing in front of the camera? Isn’t he an executive producerer or something?  1/10