TALES OF THE GOLDEN MONKEY REVIVED BY NETFLIX

HOLLYWOOD – Netflix revive 80s TV classic Tales of the Golden Monkey.

Cutter’s Goose flies again as classic TV show Tales of the Golden Monkey looks set to get the Netflix treatment. The Raiders of the Lost Ark inspired show featured Stephen Collins as Jake Cutter, an ace pilot who operates an air cargo delivery service based on the fictional South Seas island Bora Gora. He flies a red and white Grumman Goose called Cutter’s Goose. The new show will star Clive Owen as Jake and Jack Black as his best friend and mechanic Corky, ‘a good-hearted alcoholic with a memory hazy from heavy drinking’. His one-eyed dog Jack barks at appropriately comic moments.

Amy Adams is already on board to play US spy and heart throb Sarah Stickney White with Jeremy Irons playing Reverend Willie Tenboom, a phony man of the cloth who is actually a native spy. We spoke to Adam McKay, the showrunner of the series.

Affectionate Toadying

I’ve always loved the show since I was a kid growing up the 1980s. It was a great concept and had a lot of comedic and dramatic potential. It only ran for one season and it has to be one of the biggest disappointments of my life when it was cancelled. But the good news is that we have this framework all ready to go and a wealth of stories and directions to go in.  I mean there are lots of things to love about it. There’s the adventure. And there’s the romance. Obviously the alcoholic pal is hilarious and did we mention Jack the dog has an eye patch? Add to that there’s the word ‘monkey’ in the title. How could this go wrong?

The new show is only the first in a series of Netflix shows that are remaking ever more obscure TV from the 80s. Benedict Cumberbatch is already in preproduction for his Blake’s 7 series starring Tom Hardy. Though initially planned as a movie, ten episodes will now be made.

Tales of the Golden Monkey drops in 2019.

CHINA LIKING WARCRAFT ‘MIGHT BE PSYCH WARFARE’

HOLLYWOOD – The blockbusting performance of Warcraft in China might be part of a cunning psychological campaign, warn Pentagon.

Warcraft didn’t perform well on its domestic US opening and it has been roundly savaged by the critics, but in China it has broken records, much to the pleased amazement of the studio. The fantasy video game cross-over directed by Douglas Jones is a bizarre mixture of every fantasy cliche around, with a lump of Shrek dolloped in the middle. It looked like it was going to take a deserved beating at the box office but then China came to the rescue with a performance that exceeded even the most optimistic expectations. However, a shadowy figure from the Pentagon has told the Studio Exec that all might not be what it seems:

The Chinese are crafty and this is not the first time an antagonist has tried to flummox us with this kind of misdirection. For years the French told us they loved Jerry Lewis. They celebrated him, gave him awards, showed his films. No one could work it out. We watched them and watch them and all the while the French were laughing up their sleeves. Goddamned bastards.

But Warcraft…?

 Yeah, well I watched Warcraft and there isn’t anything in this movie to like. Not a goddamned thing. The Chinese have intentionally ordered everyone in their country to go and see it just to sow self-doubt in the minds of American movie goers. We’re all second guessing and in the meantime half of Hollywood is green-lighting the Warcraft sequels and a new sequel to Dungeons and Dragons starring Jeremy Irons. We’ll pour all our money and time into that and in the meanwhile the Chinese are tunneling to Hawaii. You remember how a year ago North Korea managed to convince us that James Franco and Seth Rogen were some how edgy.

Jeez, you’re right! 

See. Do you see? Finally?

Warcraft is on current release.

JEREMY IRONS FINISHES SUCKING THE BOILED SWEET HE STARTED SUCKING IN 1976

LONDON – News came in today that Jeremy Irons has finally finished sucking the hard boiled sweet (candy) that he began sucking in 1976.

The Reversal of Fortune and Dead Ringers star Jeremy Irons was today celebrating having finally finished sucking a boiled sweet that he began in 1976.

It was my Aunt Agatha who offered me the sweet. I think it was a barley sugar. I began to suck it like you do any sweet for the sweetness, the flavor, the fun, but my word the blighter was a stayer.

Throughout the 1980s Jeremy Irons saw his career take off with such films as The Mission and The French Lieutenant’s Woman despite the fact that he was still having to speak around the resistant confectionery in his mouth.

In a way I think it actually helped me become the actor I am today. It gave my voice a distinctive timbre and when I was making Dead Ringers I was playing two identical twin brothers, so when I was playing Beverly I would put the sweet in my left cheek and when I was playing Elliot I would swap.

On several occasions Irons sought medical advice and doctors were adamant that the sweet could be simply removed by spitting it out. Several indeed advised such a course of action, warning of a choking hazard, especially when the latest actor to take on the role of Alfred the butler slept.

I listened carefully to the advice and of course there were concerns, but in the end I felt it would have been a failing in me if I had got rid of it. That would have been the easy way out and  yet a betrayal of everything I stand for, and care for. Aunt Agatha passed away in 1989 and I was so happy that when she went she knew that I was still sucking the sweet.

However, early this morning, while Jeremy Irons was doing his 30 minute Pilates routine, it suddenly became apparent that something momentous had occurred.

The sweet at this stage had become almost wafer thin and I could stick it to the roof of my mouth very easily, when I was brushing my teeth or eating. I went with my tongue to unstick it but it wasn’t there anymore. Either I’d swallowed it or, and I like to believe this to be the case, it had dissolved completely.

Jeremy Irons is next to be seen in Assassin’s Creed.

HBO TO OPEN WESTEROS-WORLD

HOLLYWOOD HBO have somehow found the funding to open a fully realised interactive theme park populated by robotic versions of the cast of popular sword and maiming show Game of Thrones.

We spoke EXCLUSIVELY to chief engineer, the appropriately named Geoffrey Irons (son of Jeremy) about the unique challenges of bringing the world of Westeros to (robotic) life.

Well it’s certainly a challenge, but our motto all along has been ‘what could go wrong?’ The first step was creating realistic robotic versions of the cast who could react in-character to external stimuli. Be it combat (completely safe by the way) or the … ahem erotic. 

So you can actually fight with the characters? 

Yes. Say you walk up to the character The Hound, pull a sword and call him a ‘wet knickers ninny-muggins’, sure, he’ll react and come at you, but we have sophisticated software in place to stop the Robo-Hound from seriously harming you. It’s good clean fun. We can’t stop him cussing and asking for chicken though, a harmless glitch.

What could go wrong?

Hey that’s what we say! Wild.

So what kind of attractions can visitors to Westeros-World look forward to?

We have some fun set piece events that fans can take part in. For instance, there’s the ‘Red Wedding’ where you get to be a Stark soldier at the notorious feast. Visitors can expect to relive that classic episode up close…it’s so safe it’s ridiculous. There’s also the ‘Headless Ned’ tour where one can spend some time in the meticulously recreated dungeons before playing out that iconic death scene. Of course, in our version the King Joffrey robot will consistently judge the customer innocent and you can exit the scene unscathed wearing an ‘I kept my head at Westeros-World’ t-shirt. The Joffrey robot is programmed with ALL of the characters fun traits, including some nippy zinger-laden banter with the lady customers… folks will sure get a kick out of it! 

Cool! It sounds like you spared no expense.

I can’t say I didn’t have a few sleepless nights along the way, sweating the details. Especially when it came to the dragons.

You’ve got dragons?!

Of course! The very cutting edge of technology has been employed to make them as real as any dragon ever was. Motion sensors to hunt and track prey, super accurate flame throwing systems and behavioural subroutines to perfectly mimic the spunky temperament of the winged demons. And in just about every simulation the beasts can distinguish between humans and standard robotic targets. It’s without doubt the safest dragon experience out there. Once we figured the dragons out the White Walkers were a walk in the park. So come one and all! Bring the family. Pretty much nothing can go wrong. 

WESTEROS-WORLD will open before Winter comes. And it is coming. 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 18. JEREMY IRONS

Santa Fe Skillet, coffee and OJ

Comments by leading British thespian and actor Jeremy Irons concerning same sex marriage caused consternation, anger but above all confusion yesterday, so we invited him into the Studio Exec office at Denny’s for a nice breakfast and to try and clarify some of his ideas.

So Jeremy, same sex marriage. Go!

All I said was that I worry about the name marriage and that same sex marriage is really a fight over that name and a father might be able to marry his son and dogs can’t look up.

Okay. But as a thespian surely you should support same sex marriage?

I don’t understand, why? Thespian is just another word for actor.

Is it? I thought it was two ladies who … oh okay.  Onto other issues. North Korea.

Good. Finally, something I have very clear ideas about. First I should say I support the deployment of Chuck Norris to Guam (for more on that story CLICK HERE). However, what are the root causes of this feeling of animosity and indeed bellicosity. I think the real trouble with the situation in North Korea is the shortage of ladders. If there were more ladders then the people of North Korea wouldn’t have to balance precariously on chairs while changing their light bulbs. No wonder they’re agitated when they look at America and see people using ladders willy-nilly. 

The global financial crisis.

Wow, they’re coming thick and fast. Okay. The crisis was initially caused by the fact people don’t wear hats any more. Not wearing hats led to the almost complete decimation of the hat stand making industry. Do you know how many hat stand makers there are in New York today? 23. Just 23. And as little as ten years ago there were 26! So you can see the problem. 

Climate change.

Here we have to distinguish between the words ‘climate’ and ‘weather’ and this is where – especially in America – the debate sometimes gets lost in confusion and cross talk. ‘Weather’ means when it rains and snows, and ‘climate’ we use when it’s sunny or windy. Sort that out and you’ve sorted out climate change.

Thank you Jeremy that was completely…

Hat stand. 

Quite. 

Jeremy Irons will be appearing.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE..