FARTS OF THE STARS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the Carey Mulligan Fart Off, the question on everyone’s lips is: what do the stars farts smell of? Only Studio Exec has the connections, the nasal hair (for filterage) and the proximity to give the answers you need.

Brad Pitt: Whiffs overpoweringly of Chanel no. 5. Pungent but beguiling. The world becomes black and white and the head aches. Sounds like a dog barking three gardens away.

Winona Ryder: Her air packets are small, delicate and berry scented. Little pip like squeaks can be heard, like a mouse crying for help.

Leonardo di Caprio: Leo’s a vegetarian and his bottom woofs are definitely green. They make a sound not unpleasant and similar to whale song. Leo particularly enjoys farting in the bath.

Lindsay Lohan: Opposite to Leo. No naked flames please. Petro-chemical, Deep Horizon style.

George Clooney: Wheaty with a lingering note of leather and brass. The sound is designed to be easily mistaken for a wry chuckle.

Jennifer Lopez: Whiny.

Tom Cruise: Tom is under the mistaken impression that he never farts because of his complete mental control of the universe but in fact his farts are so powerful (and his body so pixie like and small) that they can physically propel him above Oprah’s sofa.

Nicole Kidman: Primroses and hope. They are absolutely silent. Like the death of a planet.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sounds like a sea lion mating call and smells like a week-dead horse.

Adam Sandler: Jack and Jill, Bedtime Stories, Big Daddy, That’s My Boy etc.

Michael Caine: Vinegar and sand. Released when you pull his finger.

Angelina Jolie: The funniest farts in Hollywood. They smell of lingerie just bought and sound like a very small man trapped in a box shouting ‘FART, FART’! A real hit at parties.

Johnny Depp: Mr Depp has been known to let off the odd gentleman’s excuse mes. Long droning ship horns that smell of seaweed and Keith Richards solo albums.

Selena Gomez: Almost silent, with the slight hissing, but can knock a pig out at fifty yards. Amnesia ensues so it’s impossible to say what they smell off.

Carey Mulligan: a longevity that allows for character arcs, three act structure and occasionally intermissions.

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CORRECTION: GOLDEN GLOBES NOT JENNIFER LOPEZ’S KNOCKERS

HOLLYWOOD – Jeremy Renner has confirmed that the Golden Globes are not actually Jennifer Lopez front love cushions.

In 2015, Jeremy Renner referred to Jennifer Lopez’s love bumps as the Golden Globes during the 2015 Golden Globe Awards. The statement came as part of a ‘joke’ but confusion reigned for years. However, finally the Hurt Locker – as he prefers to be known – has cleared up the issues:

The Golden Globes are actually a series of awards. Nothing to do with Jennifer Lopez’s mammary glands. I was joshing and misspoke. I’m sorry for all the worry. Especially to Ms. Lopez and her gilded protrub … oh there I go again.

The Golden Globes are on television somewhere.

5 THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THE GOLDEN GLOBES

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec sent in the world famous FACT squad to find out exactly what the Golden Globes taught us about everything.

1. George Clooney went and got married when no one was looking. The world’s most famous bachelor tied the knot with some civil rights lawyer or other sometime in the last year, probably during some kind of secret ceremony.

2. Bill Cosby is easier to joke about than Woody Allen, because everyone is pretty sure he did it. Whereas last year’s Cecil B. DeMille recipient Woody Allen was sniped at via social media by Mia Farrow et al, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler had a couple of rapey jokes which even Ricky Gervais wouldn’t have got away with.

3. Pompeii might not be such a run in for the best picture nomination as previously predicted.

4. Jeremy Renner is in line for Andrew Dice Clay’s crown as stand up comedian of risque material, with his ‘Look at the Golden Globes on you’ hilarious rib-tickler which he slotted in Jennifer Lopez’s direction, who – it turns out – has breasts. You see it’s funny because it’s true. Hmmmm. That one should have stayed in the Joke Locker.

5. Hollywood can take a joke. Except for Emma Stone, who seemed to be quite pissed at being referred to as a Big Eyes painting. And Wes Anderson who rolled his eyes at a riff on his whimsy. And Oprah Winfrey who didn’t seem to get the irony of Tina Fey. And Jeremy Renner can’t tell a joke, who isn’t, to be fair, funny.

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DARDENNE BROTHERS QUIT MOVIES FOR ‘MORE BOOTY’

BELGIUM – Belgian directors Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne have announced their retirement from feature film directing in order to concentrate on their music video work with the top slice of female singing talent.

The two time Cannes winners first came to international recognition with their slice of life dramas such as Rosetta and L’Enfant, which focussed on the lives of marginal members of society. However, more recently they have been experimenting in short form musical videos, and has led to them being hired by some of the most famous pop artists in the world including Miley Cyrus for whom they created the ‘Wrecking Ball’ video and Jennifer Lopez’s forthcoming ‘Booty’ video featuring Iggy Azalea.

Jean-Pierre spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about their decision:

The idea has been with us for some time. We like filming beautiful women moving to music. It’s so refreshing after all that dreary stuff we usually do about immigrants. When we made Two Days, One Night with Marion Coutilard, we were hoping that at least we’d get some superstar magic but it was still fairly depressing stuff. This way we won’t have to deal with working class people any more who – I can tell you this now quite frankly – are the most dreadful people. Utterly, utterly horrid.

 But won’t many of your fans be disappointed?

Oh, f*ck them. If they’re so mad keen on the poor and huddled masses let them get up early in the morning and hunt around for a boy and his bicycle to film in a pseudo documentary style.

What will your next project be?

We have a whole bunch line up. Rihanna wants us to work together again because we had such good fun with her and Shakira when we did ‘Can’t remember to Forget You’ and we simply have to work with Katy Perry. She is so wonderful. Beautiful and a great sense of humor.

The Dardennes Brothers’ final feature film Ariana Grande Goes Bananas will be released in 2015. 

EVERYONE WHO SAW MONSTER-IN-LAW TO BE JAILED

SOUTH CAROLINA – Following the arrest and jailing of Kayla Michelle Finlay, Federal legal authorities are promising that anyone who intentionally bought or rented Monster-in-Law will be arrested and incarcerated for an undisclosed period of time.

Eric Holder the attorney general vowed to use the full force of his office to bring viewers of the Jennifer Lopez/Jane Fonda ‘comedy’ to justice retroactively. 

Notwithstanding the time that has passed we are confident that we can track down these individuals and bring down upon them the full weight of the law. 

Various civil rights groups initially wished to protest, but on fully apprehending the gravity of the charges and specifically the involvement of Jennifer Lopez in the case, have withdrawn all legal protests and are now refusing to contest the charges. A spokesperson for Amnesty International said:

We’re washing our hands of this case and any subsequent cases like it. Anyone who does what Kayla Michelle Finlay did, viciously and with knowledge of forethought sit down and watch this kind of pernicious slop frankly deserves whatever they get. However, we would contend that this is a dangerous precedent.  

However, Jennifer Lopez herself took the opportunity to respond through her lawyers:

When they came for those who watched Monster-in-Law, I said nothing. When they came for those who watched Maid in Manhattan, I looked the other way. When they came for The Wedding Organizer, there was no one left to speak out for me. 

If you have any information about people watching Jennifer Lopez comedies – with the exception of Out of Sight – please contact your local police department. 

GUY PEARCE IN AMOUR REMAKE

CANNES – Michael Haneke’s Foreign Lnaguage Oscar triumph Amour stars Jean-Louis Intriguing and Emmanuellle Riva as an elderly married couple dealing with the onset and progress of a terminal illness.

It is a nuanced and unsentimental drama of startling power and insight, but it is in French. Frank Coraci – director of Here Comes the Boom and The Waterboy – has signed on to direct the American language version starring Guy Pearce and Jennifer Lopez which will improve on the original because you go to the library to read, right? Not the cinema.

I met Frank Coraci at a climbing gym in West Hollywood. Frank admits that he hasn’t seen the original film. ‘I watched the trailer, but you know it was kinda depressing,’ he said.

You’ve cast Guy Pearce and Jennifer Lopez. Why not just cast old people?

Who wants to see old people? I mean come on. They kinda smell and anyway did you say Pearce in Prometheus, he was like all wrinkly and what not. That was better than an old person. He walked kinda slow and spoke all croaky. Unbelievable. Literally.

The theme of death and mortality is a hard one for Hollywood to confront without sentimentality, how are you going to do it?

With humor and an uplifting ending. In the original, the old bird snuffs it I think. Well, that’s cos in France you might not have doctors and hospitals and things – I don’t know but I’m guessing – whereas here in the USA, you know, there are always options. This is gonna be a pro-life movie.

You were tipped for an Oscar nod this year  with Hear Comes the Boom. (CLICK HERE for that story.) Do you have any hopes Amour will receive some recognition?

I really had my hopes up with The Waterboy but when that didn’t even get a nomination I promised myself never to let my hopes rise to that level ever again. So I’m cautiously optimistic. But you know they never gave Hitchcock an Oscar and we’re on the same level I like to think.

RALPH FIENNES: I ALMOST GAVE UP ACTING AFTER MAID IN MANHATTAN

NEW YORK – Ralph Fiennes today confessed exclusively to Studio Exec that his acting career almost ended with the 2002 romantic comedy Maid in Manhattan starring Jennifer Lopez.

‘Every actor has an ambition to aim for the best,’ said Fiennes, scratching his trademark chin.

Challenges they wish to overcome, levels they wish to achieve. When I made Schindler’s List I achieved one of those ambitions, but when I finished Maid in Manhattan with Jenny Lopez I was just spent. I said “I’m done: I will never be better than that. Why go on?”

In the film Fiennes plays Christopher Marshall, a senator who mistakes Jennifer Lopez’s working class hotel maid for a high class socialite. The comedy of errors threatens to wreck his career but also leads him to understand that love knows no boundaries of social class.

‘It’s classic Marxism, when you think about it and that was John [Hughes]’s genius,’ said Ralph. ‘After we wrapped and we watched the film Wayne [Wang] came up to me and said “You just destroyed the whole idea of acting and then rebuilt it like a robot phoenix”. Jenny was weeping. She said she was never going to act again. And you know she didn’t.’

After a break of a couple of years, Fiennes returned to the screen. ‘I knew I would never ever get to that summit once more,’ he laughed and smiled. ‘But to have been there even once is an honor.’