XAVIER POULIS: ACADEMY AWARDS FASHIONS: WHO GIVES A SHIT?

Leading Swiss cinema theorist and bon vivant Xavier Poulis casts his weary Alpine eye over events in cinemastan.

The 85th Academy Awards? pffffff! Argo? pffffff! Ang Lee? pffffffff. Life of Pfffffff. Daniel Day-Lewis? Okay, we all like Daniel Day-Lewis, no pfffffff for him. But all the same. Pffffffffff. But I hear you scream at the top of your anglo-lungs ‘WHAT ABOUT THE FASHIONS?’

  • Naomi Watts was wearing a blue dress by Ralph made of bags and the tears of chronically unhappy children. Every dress Ralph makes costs a Chinese child three fingers which the fashion maverick cuts off with a knife to add a frisson of tragedy to each creation.
  • Hey, Jessica Chastain, where are you going with that shovel? She’s going to the 1930s graveyard to dig up a starlet and steal her gown. It’s cheap, ecologically responsible and – except for the whiff of decay – elegant. Bravo!
  • Halle Berry pays tribute to supermarkets everywhere with her beautiful Bar Code dress by Sad Boy, with minglings of stick of rock. Sexy in aisle 12! Ha ha! Pfffffff.
  • Anne Hathaway caused delight and consternation in equal measure when her nipples blinded spectators and her elfin features made Wayne LaPierre of the NRA seriously question his sexuality: ‘I don’t which way to turn’ he whimpered. 
  • Jennifer Lawrence went radical wearing a dress designed by a heterosexual. However she was also victim of a fashion disaster when – on going up to accept her award for something – the dress completely failed to fall off. She managed to cover her blushes by falling over. 
Xavier Poulis walks away
And in conclusion, what do these fashions mean for women shopping in the real world?  Nothing! You are all ugly slaps in the eye, Hobbits all, compared to these goddesses. Hide yourselves! Pffffffff. 

MASSIVE OSCARS UPSET

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight the Academy for Motion Sickness and Something Something caused massive controversy and consternation in the Hollywood world by not doing anything in the least bit surprising.

The brilliant TV movie Argo won best picture; Daniel Day-Lewis won for best ACTOR; Amour won for best no honestly film is an art form and not just a commercial venture; Christoph Waltz for not being a Nazi and instead being a white Martin Luther King and Jennifer Lawrence won because last time she won something her dress fell off.

Life of Pi won for best visual effects, which was especially nice since the people who were responsible for those effects have all since been fired: ‘We couldn’t have done this without the people now outside protesting’. Adele won for Best Song; Anne Hathaway for discouraging girls to go on crash diets; Ang Lee for best director (which he is, but not for this film); Tarantino for best screenplay, which really should have been best two thirds of a screenplay. How we wish wish there was a category for best script editor. Searching for Sugarman, deservedly won Best Documentary although like many, maybe I’m not qualified to judge as it was the only one I’d seen in the category.

In the end one of the triumphs of the night was Seth MacFarlane who proved an astute choice and injected some much needed edge into the proceedings. Sorry we doubted you Seth. Still, Pope Benedict XVI has some really blue material I’ve heard.

To read all of our Oscars coverage CLICK HERE.

THE SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK: REVIEW

THE SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK: REVIEW – Face from the A Team is more like Mad Murdoch when his wife leaves him and after a brief stint in One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest goes not so Strictly Ballroom with Katniss Everdeen.

Everyone’s crazy in this well made and well played melodrama. David O. Russell hot off The Fighter continues a winning streak with a kind of slice of life ensemble and keeps his kookie pretty much in the jar. The beats are sometimes predictable, but the screenplay is witty and smart and the acting is generally excellent, including – sit down before you read this – Chris Tucker and – stay sat down – Robert de Niro. Sometimes in a film there comes a moment when a director wins your trust by doing something unusual or avoiding a cliché. In this case there’s a moment when after a bust up in a diner, Bradley Cooper runs after Jennifer Lawrence only to be stopped by the waitress brandishing the check. It is a telling detail that makes the world that the bizarre characters live in solid and believable and grounds some of the more fantastical elements.

THE CLOONEY BIN


Dear George

I think my husband is having an affair. He’s getting very close to a woman he is currently working with and coming home late acting shifty. What should I do?

Jennifer A

Dear Jennifer 

Sorry It’s taken seven years to reply to this letter it had fallen down the back of the sideboard. It’s a moot point now but what I would have said is have an affair with me to make him jealous. We can still have one if you like I’m free this Tuesday afternoon between 2.30pm and 3.15pm. Fax me.




Dear George

I recently made a faux par at the Golden Globes by making a joke about Meryl Streep. Now everybody thinks I’m an idiot and I’m afraid it will effect my career. What should I do?
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Jennifer L                                     
Dear Jennifer

Wow two Jennifer’s in one day. Reminds me of that yachting holiday off the coast of Sicily in 2002. Anyway Jennifer L I wouldn’t worry. Meryl has a eccentric sense of humour and any rom-com lover worth their tissues knew you were simply quoting from The First Wives Club. You’re young, attractive and bound for glory. Though if you do end up in a situation were your career is flagging we could always have an affair.



Dear George

I’m a married man but recently I’ve been getting very close to a woman I’ve been working with. My wife keeps asking me why I’m acting shifty and I don’t have the heart to tell her. What should I do?

Brad P



Dear Brad 

Again I have to apologise for not replying to this sooner but it wound up in the same place as Jennifer A’s cry for help. I hope things worked out and you didn’t do anything rash like make Oceans 12. I had a friend in a similar situation and the way he got through it was to drink a bottle of Wild Turkey and go bear hunting. He was eaten by a bear but at least his relationship problems were solved. Perhaps being devoured by a grizzly isn’t for you so if you’re still feeling low. Jump in your car, race on over to my place and let’s me and you have a good old fashioned affair.