MIKE COLTER TO PLAY NIC CAGE

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel have just announced that Mike Colter is to play Nic Cage in their upcoming Netflix series Nic Cage: Actor for Hire.

We auditioned some great actors but as soon as Mike walked in the room, we knew we had our Nic Cage,“ said Marvel President Kevin Feige.

The show is based around the last decade in Nic Cage’s career, a period in which he inexplicably turns up in every piece of crap dredged from the Hollywood studio sewers.

“It’s a remarkable story,” said Feige:

Here’s an actor, an Oscar-winner, no less, who got into a little trouble with the IRS and decided to accept any role that came his way. I mean we’re talking the kind of scripts that Bruce Willis passes on and these days if you give Bruce a million dollars and a trailer with a working toilet he’d sign up for a musical version of Schindler’s List.

Asked why he never considered Nic Cage to play himself in the new show, Feige squirmed:

Well, we seriously considered Nic but it never worked out. He wanted a lot of money up front and twenty silk capes that had to be handmade by some Chinese hermit who lives up a pillar in the middle of Gobi desert. I mean sure, if it was Daniel Day-Lewis we’d have given the Chinaman fifty thousand dollars and all the KFC buckets he could eat but we wasn’t going to put ourselves out for Nic Cage. The guy advertises for work on f*cking Craigslist for Christ sake.

Nic Cage: Actor for Hire is due for release in 2016