MARVEL ANNOUNCE BEN AFFLECK TO RETURN AS DAREDEVIL

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck is to return to the role as Daredevil, Marvel announced today.

The Town and Argo star Ben Affleck is to return to superhero movies. No, not as Batman you fricking idiots. As Daredevil, Marvel’s blind superhero he already played in the 2003 movie. That performance saw him nominated for an oscar and received nothing but praise all around the world. And then he went to DC and fricked it all up with his fricking Batman that everyone saw and hated. Personally, I liked his Batman performance. The films were tripe in a toilet bowl but that wasn’t his fault.

Now Netflix have canceled their Daredevil, Marvel wasted no time in phoning up the Studio Exec and spilling the juicy deets. Here’s a transcript of our conversation:

Phone call between Studio Exec and Marvel, December 1st, 2018.

Marvel: Hey, Exec.

Studio Exec: Who is this?

M: This is Marvel.

SE: Oh, hi Marvel, how you doing?

M: So we got Affleck.

SE: No way. Wait, what for?

M: He’s coming back as Daredevil.

SE: How’s that work? Isn’t he too old?

M: No way he’s perfect. He’s got that sadness going for him now. And everyone is ready to see something a bit more mature and deep. We’re going to Logan the motherfucka! It’s gonna be dignified and tragic. A subtle exploration of the human spirit overcoming adversity. I said, Ben, it’ll be your most autobiographical film to date.

SE: That’s fricking harsh. 

M: He loves it. You know Ben. Plus we’ll get Jen to come back as Electra and Matt Damon as Foggy.

SE: Sounds like you got a plan.

M: Yeah. Okay but keep it close to your chest huh, SE! We want this to be filmed like totally in secret and then we’ll boom drop it during the superbowl. Netflix those motherfuckas at their own game. BOOM! Again.

Old Daredevil will be released during the Superbowl, 2019.

JENNIFER GARNER WINS CUSTODY OF MATT DAMON

HOLLYWOOD – Jennifer Garner will receive custody of Matt Damon following her divorce with Ben Affleck.

An official statement released by the couple’s lawyers confirmed that Jennifer Garner would be receiving full custody of Matt Damon. Affleck and Garner adopted Matt Damon following their marriage ten years ago and have been looking after him ever since. Affleck explained the relationship in an interview with Chapeau:

Matt is bright eyed and bushy tailed and when we first got to Hollywood he was jumping at everything. He needed to be grounded and so when me and Jen got hitched, we just kind of took him in for his own protection. He was running with Danny Ocean’s crowd and it was only a matter of time before he got into trouble. Uncle Soderbergh comes around every two weeks or so and takes him on camping trips.

A source close to Jennifer Garner said that the couple were obviously devastated by the official end of Bennifer, but that it has been on the cards for some time.

The thing might have ended a lot sooner but they wanted to stay together for the kids. And Matt Damon. Ideally Jennifer would like to make sure that Ben stays a part of Matt’s life, but we’ll just have to see how it all plays out.

Matt Damon is 44 years old.

CHRISTIAN BALE IS DAREDEVIL

 HOLLYWOOD – News just in that Christian Bale, who turned down an opportunity to reappear in the role of Batman, has opted to take on another superhero role instead: Daredevil.

Continue reading “CHRISTIAN BALE IS DAREDEVIL”

DALLAS BUYERS CLUB: REVIEW

DALLAS BUYERS CLUB: REVIEW- This is Philadelphia Texas style. With the McCon-formation continuing (I now actually expect Matthew McConaughey to be good!) and here following the Christian Bale plan diet, McConaughey plays Ron Woodroof, a rodeo loving, hard drinking, hard working guy with an eye for the ladies, who finds out he’s HIV positive.

This is the Eighties and he’s given thirty days to live and not much hope beyond experimental drugs being pushed through the system by unscrupulous drug companies and a desperate medical community. Fortunately, he seeks out a struck off doctor (played by a brilliant Griffin Dunne) in Mexico, who with a regimen of vitamins and proteins manages to prolong Ron’s chances. Ron decides to start smuggling the drugs into the US and helping fellow sufferers, pocketing a healthy profit along the way. 

Ron is a fantastic character. A homophobic tough guy, spit in your eye type who nevertheless has a code. His thinness gives him that carved out of wood feel. The fragility rendered by the disease is offset by the lean mean intensity of his will to survive. His transformation via his friendship with transvestite Rayon (Jared Leto) is credible and moving, even though at times the film draws its lines of bad versus good with too heavy a pencil. Jennifer Garner is also given the somewhat thankless task of playing the witness who fills up at the apposite moment.   

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