5 ACTORS WHO MISSED OUT ON THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME

HOLLYWOOD – It’s hard enough to be an actor. Imagine how much harder it is knowing you were THIS CLOSE to that iconic role!

The following actors may have a career now … but they’d be icons had they not been runners-up on some amazing roles.

 


Nedry, JURASSIC PARK. 

Winner: Wayne Knight.    |   Loser: Andy Dick. 

That’s right. Hollywood’s hot mess, Andy Dick, was almost computer nerd Dennis Nedry in Jurassic Park. Andy was the front runner, until he started licking Laura Dern, and sitting inappropriately on prop dinosaur tongues during a call-back.


Jason Bourne, THE BOURNE IDENTITY. 

Winner: Matt Damon.    |   Loser: Gary Busey. 

A fresh-faced (?) Gary Busey was slated to appear in the Bourne franchise. The original script wanted a world-weary, older Bourne looking back on his life, and trying to piece together the conspiracy that made him a killer. Unfortunately, Busey was, at the same time, trying to piece together his own conspiracy and schedules conflicted.


Bruce Wayne, BATMAN. 

Winner: Michael Keaton.    |   Loser: Johnny Depp. 

Tim Burton’s history with Johnny Depp almost had another credit, when Depp was slated to appear as Bruce Wayne. And, that was ultimately the problem. The role required Depp to play both Bruce Wayne AND Batman. Depp was so unnerved at the sight of the Batman suit, he’d retreat to corners of the soundstage to “fear pee”, as one PA put it. So, the roll was recast.


Lara Croft, LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER. 

Winner: Angelina Jolie.    |   Loser: Jennifer Aniston. 

Brad Pitt wasn’t the only reason these two actresses don’t get along. Aniston was scheduled to appear as the voluptuous video game star, but at the last moment, Jolie had placed a blood curse on the beleaguered actress, who’s breasts deflated, as a result. The part was taken back from Aniston in favour of Jolie.


Gollum, THE LORD OF THE RINGS. 

Winner: Andy Serkis.    |   Loser: Clint Howard. 

Serkis made history for playing the part of a digitally-created character, but the original plan was to have an actor without visual effects. Clint Howard had a number of outstanding chemistry tests, and won the role. But, the look of him against the backdrop of New Zealand was so unsettling, Peter Jackson decided to go “less realistic” and made the character computer-generated.

For more FACTS click here. 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT BRANGELINA

HOLLYWOOD – Following the news of the break up of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt, we ask what do we really know about Brangelina?

The Studio Exec has delved into the laundry basket of public opinion once more, to uncover the true FACTS about Angelina Jolie Pitt and Brad Pitt. AKA Brangelina.

1 Brangelina are actually two people: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt. Not one person.

2 The name is the conflation of their two first names: Brad and Angelina. By taking the first two/three letters of Brad and morphing them with all or all but one of the letters of Angelina, you get Brangelina though it is still a matter of much debate who the ‘a’ belongs to.

3 They originally got together while filming Mr and Mrs Smith. A film about a couple who unbeknownst to each other are actually assassins who rekindle their marriage by trying to kill each other. I’m not saying anything but the answer might be right in front of your faces.

4 Brangelina does not include George Clooney, although George Clooney does make up one third of Geoddatt, the triumvirate of George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon. This trio have not captured the imaginations to the same extent.

5 Jennifer Aniston is a woman who is getting on with her life and has been doing so quite happily for years, but is undoubtedly delighted to be a meme once more.

For more FACTs CLICK HERE.

GARY MARSHALL PREPS TAX DAY

HOLLYWOOD – Following the success of Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day, Gary Marshall begins filming on his most ambitious project yet Tax Day.

Gary Marshall has become synonimous with the kind of feel good movie featuring a large starry ensemble based on a national day of celebration. New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day and more recently Mother’s Day have all been universally praised for their depth, their good humor and the way it keeps Julia Robert’s kitchen well stocked in the high quality breakfast cereal to which she has grown accustomed. Now he’s back with Tax Day and Marshall turned up to the Studio Exec bungalow this morning armed with the biggest cake you’ve ever seen. (And we know you’ve spent your lives looking at really big cakes):

I’m always looking for a challenge. People sometimes accuse me quite unfairly of being a commercial director who is looking for just big commercial films to plop in a bunch of soon to be B-listers, but that isn’t fair or true. I’m always looking for social realism.I feel very much like Ken Loach or the Dardennes brothers. So for this film I’m going to show what it’s like on April the 18th. The day a group of disparate characters have to submit their tax forms. Is love Tax deductible?

Who is starring in it?

Ever since I floated the project my phone hasn’t stopped ringing. Jackie Chan, Wesley Snipe, Julia Roberts, Cortney Cox, Jennifer Aniston and Gabriel Byrne all want to be involved. It’s going to be a feel good movie about filling in tax forms.

Filming is due to begin on location in Panama this week.

Tax Day will be released in 2017.

POPE FRANCIS CONDEMNS HORRIBLE BOSSES 2

VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis, the Bishop of Rome, today launched a stunning attack on the comedy sequel Horrible Bosses 2.

The pontiff used his weekly sermon delivered to pilgrims congregated in Saint Peter’s Square in Rome to launch a scathing attack on what he called ‘an utterly unnecessary sequel to an appallingly inept comedy, the very existence of which calls into question the existence of a benevolent creator’:

Hollywood can be a force for good in the world. I for one am stoked to see Interstellar, but why are they making Horrible Bosses 2? How does Jason Sudeikis get work any more? Who is this Sean Anders asshole? He made what? Meet the Millers? That was a terrible film. And now they’re talking about a Paul Bart: Mall Cop 2. I mean, if this comes to pass, I for one will question my faith in the existence of a good God.

Pope Francis’ comments comes following a slew of uninspiring comedy sequels such as Dumb and Dumber To, which the Patriarch of the Greek Orthodox Church Bartholomew the First called ‘truly disappointing, a real let down’. However, Rabbi David Lau seemed more forgiving, saying that he ‘would watch anything with Jennifer Aniston in it. She is a very funny comedienne.’

Arch-atheist and evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins welcomed the Holy Father’s comments:

I think this pope is moving the Catholic church forward to a place of dialogue and common ground. Scientists working at CERN have been bombarding all three Hangover films with neutrons and they just don’t get any funnier. In fact the first one, which we had originally thought was quite amusing, just gets progressively worse even though that seems to suggest some theoretically impossible time travel.

Horrible Bosses 2 will be released no matter what we do or say.

ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT TO MARRY AGAIN NEXT SATURDAY

HOLLYWOOD – Following the huge success of their recent marriage, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have decided to get married next Saturday.

‘Think of it as the sequel,’ said an obviously delighted if slightly dazed Pitt.

Thing is everyone enjoyed it so much I thought why not give it another whirl. Angie was game so we phoned some friends and we’re gonna get to it. Might get married every week if’n the notion takes us. We can marry in different countries and observe different religious rights and what not. Setting up franchises, if you get my meaning.

A beaming Jolie told us that though it was Brad’s idea, she was 100% behind it:

I do love my honey, oh yes I do. And if you think about it, it solves a lot of practical problems like all of our friends who were disappointed not to be best men or maids of honor, well we can rectify that. And I’m gonna make sure that Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow get invitations to all my weddings. That’s right girls, every one.

Full coverage of the weddings will be available EXCLUSIVELY at the Studio Exec.

 

STAR WARS 7 WILL FEATURE ORIGINAL FRIENDS CAST

LONDON – The first photograph of the new Star Wars: Episode 7 cast had several surprises in store, but perhaps no surprise greater than the inclusion of the entire cast from Friends: Matt LeBlanc, Jennifer Aniston, Matthew Perry, Courtney Cox, David Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow.

The cast alongside writer Lawrence Kasdan and director J.J. Abrams met for the first time in an IKEA warehouse outside London. Abrams said:

When I was growing up Star Wars was my inspiration, my pole star if you like. But in the 90s when I came of age so to speak, then it was Friends and the doings at the Central Perk that really informed me culturally. So we got talking with Kathleen [Kennedy] and I said why don’t we combine the two? Star Wars – the original films not the prequels – always had that vibe anyway. That ‘I’ll be there for you’ feeling if you like.

The photograph features from J.J. Abrams and working clockwise: Matthew Perry, Courtney Cox, Jennifer Aniston, Peter Mayhew, Matt LeBlanc, Lisa Kudrow, Ben Kingsley, Max Von Sydow, Anthony Daniels, Mark Hamill, Gollum, Llewyn Davis, John Boyega, David Schwimmer and Lawrence Kasdan. R2-D2 can also be seen in a restraining box.

For more Star Wars 7 News Click Here.

JENNIFER ANISTON KNOWLEDGE AT AN ALL TIME LOW

NEW YORK – The annual Jennifer Aniston survey conducted by the National Board of Education has revealed a shocking drop in knowledge about the actress who once was as famous as cappuccino.

24% of respondents were unable to identify her from a photograph and an astounding 17% didn’t even recognize her name.

More alarming news came with the more detailed questions. Although 83% agreed with the statement: ‘she was famous for dating someone’, 63% could not identify her former boyfriend and 31% misidentified him as Colin Farrell.

Morock Bringley – of the National Institute of Aniston Studies – said that ‘the results were upsetting but not surprising given the state of Aniston education.’

The problem is it differs wildly from state to state, with some states holding mandatory Aniston testing already in the third grade and others not having any formal Aniston course on the syllabus. Jesus Christ, some kids don’t even know what Friends was! 

Proposals to counteract the drop in Aniston knowledge include the state-wide banning of Horrible Bosses, a more intensive programme of Friends re-runs and a basic course of Aniston studies to be obligatory in all high schools. Some critics however have countered that this is a natural result of the passage of time and we should all just ‘let it go’.

Feel free to comment below and contribute to the raging Aniston debate.

THE CLOONEY BIN


Dear George

I think my husband is having an affair. He’s getting very close to a woman he is currently working with and coming home late acting shifty. What should I do?

Jennifer A

Dear Jennifer 

Sorry It’s taken seven years to reply to this letter it had fallen down the back of the sideboard. It’s a moot point now but what I would have said is have an affair with me to make him jealous. We can still have one if you like I’m free this Tuesday afternoon between 2.30pm and 3.15pm. Fax me.




Dear George

I recently made a faux par at the Golden Globes by making a joke about Meryl Streep. Now everybody thinks I’m an idiot and I’m afraid it will effect my career. What should I do?
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Jennifer L                                     
Dear Jennifer

Wow two Jennifer’s in one day. Reminds me of that yachting holiday off the coast of Sicily in 2002. Anyway Jennifer L I wouldn’t worry. Meryl has a eccentric sense of humour and any rom-com lover worth their tissues knew you were simply quoting from The First Wives Club. You’re young, attractive and bound for glory. Though if you do end up in a situation were your career is flagging we could always have an affair.



Dear George

I’m a married man but recently I’ve been getting very close to a woman I’ve been working with. My wife keeps asking me why I’m acting shifty and I don’t have the heart to tell her. What should I do?

Brad P



Dear Brad 

Again I have to apologise for not replying to this sooner but it wound up in the same place as Jennifer A’s cry for help. I hope things worked out and you didn’t do anything rash like make Oceans 12. I had a friend in a similar situation and the way he got through it was to drink a bottle of Wild Turkey and go bear hunting. He was eaten by a bear but at least his relationship problems were solved. Perhaps being devoured by a grizzly isn’t for you so if you’re still feeling low. Jump in your car, race on over to my place and let’s me and you have a good old fashioned affair.



FRIENDS MOVIE TO BEGIN FILMING THIS MONTH

NEW YORK – The long awaited motion picture of the popular nineties sit-com Friends looks like it is going to finally become a reality.

Tentatively titled Friends: Why Not? – the film will see the reuniting of Chandler, Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, Monica and David Schwimmer in their New York apartments and their beloved Central Perk coffee shop. David Simon of The Wire was brought in to do rewrites of the script.

‘It’s going to be a lot darker,’ he said. ‘The characters are all failures as they pass through middle age. And that’s funny because the actors’ own lives mirror that.’

What changes did you make?

I don’t think I wanted to make any because it has such a winning formula and who’s gonna mess with that, right? But the original cast have changed and so we have to write material which deals with the look of wretched disappointment etched into their faces. So do we have drug addiction? Yes, we do. 

Anal sex?

A bit.

The news comes as a relief to Matthew Perry who only last week was officially announced as being ‘no longer famous’ (for that story CLICK HERE). But other cast members have also expressed relief at being given another chance to be noticed as something other than a bit role in a gross out comedy. Jennifer Aniston said, ‘We’re all really excited about this opportunity. It’s going to be like old times. Next thing I’ll be going out with Brad Pitt again.’ She burst out laughing, which slowly became sobbing.

Friends: Why Not? will be released in 2016.