CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WON’T DIRECT JENGA

HOLLYWOOD – The next film by Christopher Nolan will not be Jenga, despite an announcement earlier this week.

It looks like Jenga won’t be the next film Christopher Nolan directs. ‘It’s very sad,’ says brother and screenwriter Jonathan. ‘Everything seemed to be in place. I was working on the script, the money looked good. Our sisters were going to do the soundtrack and Liam Neeson was on speed dial. But then we were adjusting one little piece – I think it was hiring the gaffer – and the whole thing came crashing down around our ears and onto the kitchen floor.’

It had seemed like the perfect fit for Nolan, whose interest in puzzles and mazes is now legendary.

‘It’s multi-layered with lots of different levels; like some kind of vertical jigsaw,’ Nolan stated when news of the project first broke.

A close source to the director said that he was in his room ‘weeping bitterly’ and refusing to come out.

Hasbro, who own the rights to the game, have hurriedly suggested any number of other possibilities but rival company Mattel is also offering Ker-Plunk! as a possible alternative. But Nolan is keeping quiet about what his next project might be. 

Buckaroo is in theaters.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN EXPLAINS THE ENDING OF INCEPTION

LONDON – Memento and Interstellar director Christopher Nolan, speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, just gave the definitive explanation fo the infamous ending of Inception.

Christopher Nolan has for years been a director who has fascinated audiences with his elaborate and layered puzzle boxes of film, but in an EXCLUSIVE interview he sat down with the Studio Exec and spoke about the ambiguous ending of Inception.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s character Cobb has managed successfully to plant the inception into the dream of his target and his team awake from their slumbers and pass unmolested through US customs. Here, it seems that his murder charges have been dropped, or erased, because Cobb is met by his father-in-law. Now here the first warning bells should sound that this isn’t exactly reality we’re dealing with. The last time we saw his father-in-law was in Paris and there’s no reason he should be at the airport. Plus another clue is that he is played by Michael Caine an actor who first came to fame in a film called Zulu. Although he made a name for himself with Zulu, the star of that film was actually Stanley Baker. A baker is someone who produces bread, pastries, cakes and pies. The most proverbially American food you can have is American Pie. American Pie was a comedy directed by the Weitz brothers but also a song by Don McLean released as a record in 1971. Fourteen years to the day, Dead or Alive released another ‘record’ (which is also another way of saying memory in Italian) which was called You Spin Me Round (Like a Record). When Cobb arrives at his home and meets his children who are the same age as they have always been, he places his totem on the table to check whether he is dreaming or not and he ‘spins’ it right round, ‘like a record’. Recall that the exit strategy for each dream was a music cue played by a record. This was considered a ‘Cure’ for the dream state. The Cure also released records throughout the eighties and nineties and none more interesting than the album The Top. And what does Leonardo DiCaprio have but a spinning ‘Top’. In the eponymous song from the 1984 album, Robert Smith who will be played by Sean Penn in This Must Be the Place, sings:

Every day I lie here,
And know that it’s true
All I really want is you
Please come back
Please come back
Like all the other ones do

So what we learn from this is that it is obvious that Cobb might be dreaming, but then again maybe he isn’t.

Christopher Nolan’s new film Jenga will be released in 2017.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN ANNOUNCES NEW PROJECT: JENGA

LONDON – Christopher Nolan has chosen his follow up to the Dark Knight Rises: Jenga: the Motion Picture.

Nolan announced his decision in a written statement on beautiful velvety paper (lightly lemon scented) which read:

Ciao world!

I have decided after much consideration to follow up my wonderful Interstellar with a film which will be even more epic and even more personal. It is to be entitled Jenga and before you ask, oh, just like the wooden block puzzle game!? I shall say, exactly like that. In fact, it is identical to it. The film will be scripted by my brother Jonathan and scored by my sisters, Denise, Linda, Coleen and Bernadette with help of Hans Zimmer’s booming trombones.

The story is simplicity itself. A series of interlocking wooden realities are poised to achieve great altitude but the oblong necessities of life pattern require the extraction of rectangular solidity with a fluid and speedy motion, obtaining to the balance of the whole and allowing the sum of the parts to remain the same even as each of those parts in terms of truth value shifts defiantly along a vertical to  table axis. It is a story about balance, architecture, restraint and Michael Caine crying.

I have assembled the most wooden cast I could find, including Jude Law, Ryan Reynolds and Chris Pine, though the latter is purely for punning purposes. Orlando Bloom is also in talks with us.

I know that some will be disappointed by my decision, having kindly compared me to Stanley Kubrick and perhaps expecting me to take on a subject that is deeper, but I should remind such folk that I am a massive genius with a popular touch; a marvelous director, who can take the juvenile stupidity of Batman and create the high art of a Wagnerian opera cycle. I am committed to rendering the popular ephemera of life magical by cinematic art.

Plus Hasbro are going to pay sickeningly large amounts of money.

Signed

Christopher Nolan

Jenga: The Movie is due for release in 2016.